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My hwuBPD has been stone cold to me for about a month now. I tried to talk to him about it, and he was extremely over the top defensive before I even finished asking how he was. I saw a message on his phone today from a woman he works with. He’s mentioned her a few times over a number of months and I’d thought nothing of it. But the messages to her occurred during his cold spell with me (where I told him I’m feeling very lonely, and provided specific ways that he could help ease that, such as sending me a text once in a while to let me know he’s thinking of me). He initiated the messages with her, and they’re very thoughtful and “happy”. One of the messages he sent even said he missed hearing her laugh at work (she’s on leave). He does not like people, so seeing these messages was quite jarring and I immediately got a sinking feeling in my stomach. Something came over me to check his work laptop bag. And there was a Christmas card from her hidden between other papers. I remember seeing the card at Christmas when he brought a bunch of other cards and gifts home at the holidays; we went through them together. I remember after the holidays, throwing all of the cards into the trash/recycling. So he must’ve either went out and got the card, or held it back to hide away and carry around with him.

I Don’t think (….honestly I have no clue who he is or who I’m married to anymore) he’s having anything physical or even emotional (on her part) with her. But is it possible he’s living in a fantasy world or obsessing over her?

I know a few friendly, borderline flirty texts and a Christmas card Don’t sound like much. But for him, this is very telling and I feel in my gut something is “off.”

Hi Ariel78;

Yes, I know what you mean about something small or seemingly insignificant setting off your radar. It's a challenge finding balance between underselling it ("I'm just overreacting, it's not that big of a deal") and overselling it ("This is proof that he is up to something, I wouldn't be feeling this way if there wasn't something there") to ourselves.

One way we can find balance -- the third way, or middle way, that brings in both our logical mind and our emotional mind -- is through mindfulness and "wise mind" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0) to help us get to a grounded place where we can find effective, skills-based ways forward.

Maybe 3 months ago, I was in a similar situation: my H's kids' stepdad gave me an innocuous-seeming gift (stickers), yet I found myself mentally cranking on it for days. What did it mean? Contextually it was unusual and my radar was going off like crazy.

I had to work on it here on the boards and with my T. Where I landed in therapy was: it might mean something, and it also might not mean something. I could be confident knowing that if it was nothing, I would know, and could let it go. If it was something, then something else would happen that would indicate that to me. And, if it was something, then I could be confident that I would have the skills at that future moment to deal with whatever came my way.

It came back to me being a choicemaker. I didn't have to let things happen to me -- I had choices about how I would respond to that situation or to any possible future situations, and I could have confidence that even if things seemed unclear in the present, "future me", if presented with more clear evidence, was very capable of handling things.

(I'll comment that any sort of confronting/"calling out"/interaction with the kids' stepdad about his behavior would've been a dead end, so I chose to deal with things that were 100% under my control, without attempting to "get him to see", get him to admit anything, or hope he would do anything differently. That may be similar for you.)

...

Thinking about your situation, one framing is that "it's happening to you" (passive, not a choicemaker) and another framing is that you're being presented with some facts and you get to actively decide on what you want based on your values.

You're looking at the context and it seems telling. You're noticing how your body feels, and something feels "off". Where do you think you want to go from here?