BPDFamily.com

do you think people with bpd mean the cruel stuff they say? i was attracted to this forum after finding a post comparing bpd to demonic possession. although i am a catholic (baptized as a baby) as well as a horror film lover, i never believed in demonic possession. meeting a man with bpd has me guessing otherwise! not saying all people with bpd are possessed or evil, but if you do read about possession from either a religious perspective or even if you are some horror film buff, there can be similarities. 

in addition to a romantic partner, i also had an older female cousin who was untreated and seemed to have all the symptoms of bpd. in since she was one of only two female cousins i had and i had no sisters, i clinged to her and she was a very toxic person in my life. constantly engaging in splitting. now she was not as aggressive as my bf, but her actions and words were very hurtful.

IMO, from my experience, yes. They do mean the cruel things they say. Others may disagree, but in my experience, BPDs are, if nothing else, honest. They say what they are feeling in the moment, and what they feel is heightened.

During my horrible weekend a week back, my wife told me that she had wanted to beat me while I was sleeping. I appreciate that she found the restraint to not do that. But I totally do believe that she was telling me the truth, that she had been filled with the impulse to beat me.

She has told me that I am the love of her life, and she has told me that she and I will never have the kind of perfect love that she had with her late husband. I absolutely believe that she meant both of those statements at the moments when she was saying them.

Something I've gone around and around in my head trying to figure out.

Can she really believe that lie she is telling? Can she really mean what she is calling me?

I was called SO many things, and there was so much gaslighting that was just provably false.

I think they believe you DESERVE what you are being called, and therefore it doesn't matter if it's true or not?
Or perhaps the delusion is so strong that they BELIEVE the things they are saying?

My ex, who yelled at me frequently and called me a whole list of things- sh*tty businessman, fraud wellness professional, sh*tty driver/marketer/writer/cook/eater, I dress like a slob, my place is a pigsty, my friends are losers, my business is stupid, my gifts were sh*tty and stupid- among many other things, also called me...wait for it...."cruel and punishing". Because I was shocked and hurt  and didn't respond quickly to a text to 'talk' after she belittled me and yelled and pointed her finger in my face and mocked me until 3am.

I never called her a name, yelled at her, put her down, mocked her....nothing.

I think they get so dysregulated that they NEED to put you down and call you names. But can't acknowledge they did that, or apologize. Because that would then get them in touch with their shame and guilt, which is a no go zone. So it seems that they did believe that stuff, since they never acknowledge it.

It seems to be about offloading guilt and shame, projection.

Hello melroseesq88 and welcome to the group  :hi:

BPD relationships are among the most challenging. There can be a lot of confusion and hurt, especially before we really know what we're dealing with. It makes a lot of sense that you would consider extreme reasons for his behaviors, given how extreme the behaviors can be.

One line that comes to mind for me is from our "Who should post on this board?" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0) sticky:


Finding new, unintuitive tools and skills can make you so much more effective in a challenging relationship. I'd encourage you to read that "Who should post..." thread when you have a minute -- it's a great place to get oriented.

...

Tell me a little more about your goals. We're on the "Bettering a relationship" board, so it sounds like you are committed to staying together, despite your concerns -- did I get that right?

What are some of the behaviors/traits that you find most challenging? How have you coped so far?

The conflict that has brought my wife to a frenzy involves a coffee spot on the floor. She told me that I had spilled coffee on the floor when I was making ice coffee and told me that it has been eating away at her and she just needed to say something.

I told her that I would be careful with my coffee and also said that I did not think that the coffee mark on the floor (not a stain, BTW, just a spot to clean up) because I don't prepare my coffee next to the refrigerator.

That has become a huge thing about me denying that I spilled coffee and me explaining that I join her in the effort to keep coffee from spilling but that I cannot confess to something that I haven't done.

Only someone who knows BPDs would imagine just how big this has become. Like the crime of the century with aggressive interrogations. She must have compliance. I've responded calmly and rationally. Repeating that I will be careful with my coffee, yet refusing to say that I spilled coffee on the floor. I've even said that I could come to realize that there is something that I am doing that results in a coffee spill and that if I were to realize such a thing, I would readily admit it.

This has become an issue that shows her that I do not have her back.

Here's the thing that I have not pointed out to her. One of us does prepare coffee right next to the refrigerator where the drip was. And it is her.

Hoo boy. Meanwhile, I am trying to deal with actual issues in my life like strategizing around layoffs.

Like Mugsydrubin, I too believe that they really mean it in the moment. I guess the good news is, if you want to call it that, in another moment they won't even remember that they said it and have a completely different opinion.   Unfortunately, the ugliness and cruelty can return at any time. My wife has said the most cruel and hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me. I'm still too hurt and embarrassed to even share them here. I deal with it by reminding myself that it's her and not me, and that I cannot take it seriously because she is disordered. So, whether she means it or not, it doesn't matter, because it's not true. Even if when mean things she says are true or partially true sometimes, they're said discharge her own weaknesses by attacking my vulnerabilities. So, there's no point in allowing my self to take her seriously. Of course, this is not easy to do, but it does get better with practice.

As  to a possible demonic influence, I am not ruling that out as playing a part here. I acknowledge that sounds crazy to anyone without a religious belief, or to someone who has rejected the concept of God or the supernatural.  I also like to  think of myself as a logical person who looks first to evidence and science.  However, I was raised Catholic, still go to church, and would probably be considered something of a "cafeteria" practitioner. I can't help but feel something other-wordily is going on here with what I have observed. I want to make it clear that I don't not believe that anyone with a personality disorder is evil. What I wonder about is whether evil is malevolently acting upon their lives and  our lives.  The only counter to that of which I am aware is prayer.

My religious upbringing is a big, but not the only, reason why I have not yet divorced from a dysfunctional sexless marriage. I went confession a year ago and gave the priest the background info without raising my suspicions about demonic activity. (I thought even he would think it's too "out there".)   I confessed my "sins" about wanting other women and leaving my wife. He didn't give any penance. He just acted sympathetically and and told me to pray for patience and for her.  It actually helped me feel better.   

Being painted white is fleeting these days ,but when that day comes round every few months my wife is able to convince me that she has changed her mind about any recent criticisms and accusations. She’s doesn’t discuss such things, just treats me as though I’m a wonderful person. She just believes what she believes in that moment, depending how she’s feeling, but the bad feelings can last for months (particularly after birthing our babies).

Yes, at the moment they say it, they believe it.  "The truth of the truth" as my wife says.