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Hi, everyone,
In our previous vacations, I planned everything and then during the trip BPW would complain, so it's usually very depressing and stressful. Now I have some vacation days from work I need to use, I'm just wondering how I should use it?  Just wondering what you all have tried to have a vacation without influenced by the BP?

Hello and *welcome*

So sorry you've had stressful vacation experiences. Even for "generally normal" couples, sometimes the change in routine can be difficult. I'd guess that a pwBPD has fewer skills and inner resources to cope with unexpected changes, even positive ones like going on a trip.

When you raise these questions:


I'm curious about what your goals are?

If you're committed to staying in a relationship with a pwBPD, then BPD will likely always influence your life to some extent.

I picture it more as being outside in a rainy climate. The issue isn't whether the rain clouds will come -- they will -- it's more about what you choose to do when it happens.

You can be outside without an umbrella, and be wondering why you get wet so frequently, and be upset at getting stormed on, and resent that your plans to have a nice dry day are ruined. That's kind of the worst of all possibilities.

You could also bring an umbrella and raincoat, use them when the weather looks bad, wait out the rainstorm, and keep going when it's dry again. It's accepting that you're choosing to stay in a stormy environment, and using the best resources you have to manage.

...

Going back to the vacation question, it may be more helpful to approach it less from a mindset of "how can I organize everything perfectly so she won't have a blowup" and more from "no matter what I do, she may have significant challenges, so what do I want to do?"

Expecting her to have challenges may help you have more compassion when they happen (even during something nice like a vacation) so that instead of you growing resentful or upset when she breaks down, you can decide something like "yes, I kind of knew this would happen, so we can each take a little break from each other on this trip and come back together in a few hours".

Overall, I'd spend less time trying to make it a perfect trigger-free trip (obviously don't purposefully make it something you know is difficult for her!), and more time prepping yourself to respond effectively when (not if) she has a challenging time.

You can also check in with your own values and preferences, and with your wife -- maybe you want to go on vacation by yourself, and she would prefer to stay home and do a spa day? Not everyone likes going on trips.

Anyway, lots of options, most of them based less on "do exactly this" and more on "work on your own mindset".

Any of that sounding helpful?

very helpful, kells76!