BPDFamily.com

Hi,

We've had a settled period lately but we both know triggers have been avoided rather than faced and overcome.

The result feels like treading water. I don't want to leave but don't want to keep living this way.

I'd like to start some counselling. I'm open to couples counselling but i've had a straight no from my wife when i've asked if she would start that with me. I'm guessing this is to do with deep down knowing it is more than the blame that is being projected.

We tried counselling once before and dysregulation forced the counsellor to end the session early. I know my wife needs to do some work as well but i don't think that is going to happen unless i was to in fact leave which i just do not want nor have the capacity to do. I'm exhausted at the thought of doing the old 'I'M DONE!' storming out, only to feel sympathy and hope that things will be different. I'd rather use my energy to try and make changes whilst still married and living together.

Just wondering if anyone in the UK has any suggestions of where to look to for support? Relate organisation is the first that comes to mind but open to other suggestions that I could be missing.

Many thanks
H

Hi Harrisps;

While the USA organization  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) (https://www.nami.org/), which offers free support groups, only operates in the USA, it does have a FAQ section on "I don’t live in the U.S. Is there a NAMI program in my country?" (https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/102-i-don-t-live-in-the-u-s-is-there-a-nami-program-in-my-country#:~:text=NAMI's%20operations%20are%20restricted%20solely%20to%20the%20United%20States.). The page has over a dozen links to alternative resources, and the majority of those seem to apply to the UK. Take a look and see what might be a good fit.


Even "generally normal" couples can have difficulties with couples counseling. My H and I (neither of us have a PD) were in marriage counseling for ~10 years, but when I started to have a more difficult time personally, it became too much -- I'd feel so much shame before each session, like I wasn't trying hard enough, that each session was starting to end early with me in tears. It wasn't productive. We pivoted to H sticking with our MC for individual sessions and me sticking with my individual counselor. We have been able to improve our relationship without both of us in MC at the same time.

It's good that you're focusing here:


Whether your W chooses to get help is not under your control (though in a certain sense, we can make things worse by insisting, pressuring, and cajoling, trying to convince others to get treatment -- it can increase resistance). Letting go of your W's choices and focusing on what you can control (your own engagement with improving your own mental health) will be much more productive.

What would you say is the #1 thing in your own life that you'd like to improve?

Does your wife have a BPD diagnosis?

I have used Relate in the UK and, while it was briefly helpful, I do not believe that the counsellors there are trained in the complexities of a relationship with someone with BPD.

'Walking on Eggshells' suggests asking the following questions of any possible therapist or counsellor:

1. Do you treat people with BPD? If so, how many have you treated?

2. How do you define BPD?

3. What is your treatment plan for borderline clients?

4. Do you believe that people with BPD can get better? Have you personally treated BP's who have improved?

5. How much do you know about the stresses of living with someone with the disorder?

The answers to these questions would be illuminating, even if you end up going to sessions without your wife.

My personal experience has been that undergoing DBT Family Therapy on my own has been immensely helpful in improving my relationship with my BPD husband, even without any changes on his part.