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I think I must have missed a few things. I received a text message with a link to a video. I thanked him and told him that I would look when I got home. but I was very curious to see what he sent me. A few hours have passed and now I'm going to look at the famous link and my first reaction was shock, it was about a person who spoke in a very, very vulgar way. I then sent him a message telling him that I didn't appreciate this kind of humor at all. To summarize his response was sorry that he liked this type of childish humor + an emoticon. I probably should have left it there but there you go, but I told him that he had tried to destabilize me with humor but that it was him who did it (in reference to the emoticon he put it to the message) and I made a few more humorous remarks. he still replied to me by telling me that I had done a good analysis and he flattering me + positive emoticons at the end of the message. I sent it back by also valuing it+positive emoticon. and since then I have written to him because no news, he has seen me since this weekend... nothing, no response.... I imagine that the positive message he sent me was recycled or that he pretended that he was not touched by a message. My goal was not to make him feel bad but rather to joke together...
I'm disappointed in myself, is there a way to make up for it? it's really difficult to communicate with him I find I just want there to be a good mood...
I have a hard time balancing a little enthusiasm with being a little distant so as not to scare him! thank you

Hello Flower1;


That's a hard place to be in. Do you find yourself going back to a certain moment, wishing you had done something differently?

Learning to live with the uncomfortable feeling of regret is not easy -- but so necessary.

What is your self-talk like when you feel that disappointment? What do you say to yourself?



Do you find yourself tipping more into the "too much enthusiasm" side, or the "too much distance" side?

thank you very much for your response kells :)

""What is your self-talk like when you feel that disappointment? What do you say to yourself?""

I could have done better, can this still be made up for?


Quote from: Flower1 on July 02, 2024, 02:41:55 PM
it's really difficult to communicate with him I find I just want there to be a good mood...
I have a hard time balancing a little enthusiasm with being a little distant so as not to scare him! thank you

Do you find yourself tipping more into the "too much enthusiasm" side, or the "too much distance" side?
actually, I am rather welcoming but if he is "contemptuous" I tend to distance myself" !

It's really curious, one day, he seeks my company, seems to check if he has an impact on me, tells me that he misses me and the next day, he is distant, has other occupations... and if I pushes him to do what he has to do, he will assume that I am angry...

This bothers me a little, because I don't understand how to communicate with him afterwards. On his initiative the other day, he wrote to me, but I was not able to answer him immediately. However, a few min later, I responded to him in a cheerful and positive manner. After several hours I only got a read confirmation and since then silence. I haven't reactivated this... I have to admit that I don't understand how to communicate because it seems to be only one way, where he expresses himself when he wants and I have to "reassure" him, but I, should I wait? I have to admit that this gave me some questions. Should I write to him that this is all you wrote? A  validation of the reading?? But then he probably would have told me are you angry? or talk about other things just to check in to see if he's okay?

thank you

Do you ever have moments where you can have some grace for yourself? That self-talk might sound more like: "I'm doing the best I can", or "I will try my best, and after that, it isn't up to me", or "No matter what happens, I know I said/did that with love"...?

For me, there are certain areas in my life -- usually areas of non-relational skills or abilities I developed as an adult -- where my self-talk is much more neutral/supportive versus judgmental. If I feel stressed out while commuting, grocery shopping, or at work, my self-talk is usually more like "I'll do the best I can", "I'm doing great under the circumstances", "I'll try my best and then whatever happens is OK".

However, my self-talk when it comes to relational issues (relational wiring can happen during childhood and in our FOO's [families of origin]) tends to be much darker and more negative.

I'd be curious if there are areas in your life where you are less judgmental about yourself? Or, you might have a different experience of self-talk/inner narrative.

...


It makes sense to take a break from receiving contempt from a partner -- that's a wise move to protect you from that attitude and to protect the relationship from that negativity.


Can you tell me more about that? What do you push him to do, that it seems like he has to do?


What if you also expressed yourself when you wanted to, and you did not have to reassure him? What if you felt OK with however things might go after you did that?