BPDFamily.com

I don't want to abuse the comments board by oversharing. But I am curious about alcoholism and am also curious about whether or not anyone has experience with Alanon.

My first wife was an alcoholic and a BPD. She never got treatment for either. My current wife is sober after having been an alcoholic. Lately she has been saying that I make her so upset that she wants to drink.

I guess I wonder about chicken and egg. With my first wife, I felt that she drank to medicate the BPD.

The therapist I see from time to time is expensive and although I always get clarity when I see her, I do not think that it would be prudent to pay $800 a month for therapy right now (see earlier post).

She suggested Alanon. I see how that might be valuable, but I also wonder how much it would align with my situation.

Then there's the fact that I am inclined to sneak to Alanon because I do not want to add that to the list of items that trigger my wife.

Deep breath.

I've been checking out a local CODA group that I'm thinking of trying. Like you, I don't want to give my BPD husband ammunition, but at the same time I hate feeling that I'm being secretive about something that is important to me.

I'm thinking of telling my husband that it's a 'group therapy' session recommended by my own therapist. I did ask my therapist what he thought, and he said that it couldn't do any harm so I should give it a go if I wanted to. Not exactly a ringing endorsement (or a 'recommendation') but I don't feel too bad about hiding behind my therapist in this instance.

Working out how much to share with our BPD partners is a real tightrope act. And when we are 'found out' it's very hard not to tip over into self-blame and guilt. I think the trick is to weigh up each decision carefully before acting, and be clear in our minds exactly why we are keeping something a secret. We need to be able to get a place where we can say, "I get why this hurts you and I'm really sorry for that. I had my own reasons for keeping it secret, which I can explain sometime, if you want. I love you and I never want to hurt you. Sometimes I have to make hard decisions and this was one of those."

Thanks. I’m trying to find ways to take care of myself. It has become draining and work to spend any amount of time with my wife. Aside from my own emotional well-being, I have to continue to perform professionally to keep the household afloat.

I practice CBT, which has really helped. But I am worried about the effects of isolating and taking this all on my own. The two people I am closest to are my daughters, and this is not something that I can really discuss with them. So a group makes sense. Just finding this board has been tremendous help.

At this moment, I feel as if I need to set up a double life just to take care of myself. Ironically, that replicates my wife’s greatest fear. But how can I stay if I do not take care of myself. I just rented a storage locker so that I have a safe space for possessions that she might destroy or throw away.

I have not told her that I am seeing a therapist. I feel that I might tell her about Alan in. She goes to aa meetings. And it’s almost as if blaming it on alcoholism is an easier conversation, albeit a cop out.

I feel that so much of my life now has become evasion and deception to protect both of us. I can’t tell her how she makes me feel. I can’t tell her the details of my finances. I can’t tell her about her own condition.

I’ll check out alanon and coda.