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My adult child has emotional dysregulation, depression and ADHD.  I have gone through therapy with them, family connections 12 week groups several times and am now seeing my own therapist.  My AC ( adult child) has also been on therapy for many years.  We are currently not speaking with each other, but I am supporting them.  I pay over $2,000 a month fir their rent, give then food money, have taken $10,000 of their credit card debt to pay and have given them my own credit card to use.  They belittle me, rage at me, tell me I'm a bad excuse for a family, heartless, wish me dead and ask me for more money in the same breathe.  I'm trying to break away from this never ending cycle of giving them money and watching them go out drinking, to shows, ubering everywhere and having their meals delivered through door dash.  I cut off the credit card and told them I will only pay their rent for 2 more months and then they will have to pay half themselves.  More raging until both my husband and myself had to block them on the phone.  Today they sent an e-mail I need money and called me heartless, that o only care about money and I'm a poor excuse for a family.  I tried to do an exercise and meditation on Emotional Mind/Logical Mind/Wise Mind, pray on it, let it go and wait for an answer and here I am.  My wise mind says don't give them any money, my logical mind says are you an idiot don't give them any money and my emotional mind says give them money.  Emotional is coming from the fear of the rage.  I think I just need some support to make the wise decision.  My therapist is trying to help me put up boundaries and stick to them, so I know what I need to do I just need someone to tell me it will be OK and I will get through thus if I say No.  Thank you for lustening.

Hi Jennifer63
Can I ask what source of income your child has?

I am very sympathetic to your situation - and your resolve to reframe the financial support you can/are prepared to give. It is hard to see a bpd child just ubering everywhere credit cards etc and going through money then demanding more - exploding when you one says 'No' etc.

In my case my dd 'buys' friendship. When she has her own money, others want her around, and she feels good paying for this and that etc - then it runs out of course and I get the text messages and raging.

I have tightened things up step by step. I found this better than too much at once because it is easier for both dd and I.

My first step was to not pay out her credit cards. I realised after a while that because they were paid out, she looked okay to be able to get another one ie she had good credit because I was paying! So that stopped.

I have never given dd a credit card. The next step was saying I can give her $xxxx per fortnight. this worked well but she sipped back. The latest thing for me is I can't give her money. This has had some success.

From what you say you have been giving out huge amounts of money and I'm not sure what income your child has. If i could pay dd's rent I probably would, but I have tried that and it didn't work out (lots of others taking advantage etc) so dd lives with me. Sometimes I feel that I would pay anything just to have my home to myself!

There are so many factors involved. You clearly have come to a point where you can't do this any more and have stated what you are prepared to give. Keep using 'I' statements - I can afford $xxx but no more - etc because a boundary is something that you need to hold to respect yourself and your own life.

Hi Ladies,

Sancho, your advice about cutting out the credit cards and tightening the purse strings gradually sounds wise and effective.

I can identify with the money issue, but for me it's slightly different, because it's my husband supporting his daughter (my stepdaughter).  Since she has a "real" mom, and I got married when my stepdaughter about to enter college (and technically an adult), I feel like I'm not directly financially responsible for my stepdaughter, who is now in her mid-20s.  But my husband was paying for everything for her, while she was NEET (not in education, employment or training).  And by everything, I mean financing an extravagant lifestyle that Jennifer describes:  a nice apartment near the city center (but she wasn't working), Uber Eats, airfare for spring breaks (even though she wasn't in school), entertainment, new clothes every time I saw her, marijuana, manicures, pet care, etc.  He paid her rent because when she lived with us, it was a total nightmare.  At one point, I said to my husband, you're working well after your retirement age, when you don't want to, so that your daughter gets her own place and she's on permanent vacation?  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she's disabled . . . at least I don't see her that way.  Well I guess he felt OK supporting her for the time being, out of guilt and fear.  But when he decided to retire, then his income dried up, and he didn't want to draw on Social Security early.  So necessity meant he had to cut back.  The first thing that happened is that WE cut the cable, all but stopped going to restaurants, etc., and he started feeling the deprivation of a restricted budget.  So he started weaning her off support.  He still pays her rent, therapies, health insurance (no longer subsidized by his employer), car insurance and tuition, and he often gives her extra money.  But she had to find a cheaper apartment with roommates, and start to work part-time.  However, she's still Ubereating and flying.  My husband says that next year, she's on her own, but I won't believe it until I see it.

The upshot is that she's managed to hold a part-time job for six months, she's made a few work friends, and she can handle living with roommates again--previously, they would leave or evict her, when her BPD behaviors were out of control.  But I worry that she'll never be able to find a job that pays enough to support the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.  She has upper-upper-middle class spending habits on part-time, entry-level income potential.  And she's taking yet another summer off right now, keeping her schedule open for trips to the beach and such.  So I feel like she's headed for a great reckoning.  My biggest fear is that she sees how hard it actually is to earn money, and she crashes and burns, moving back in with us.  That would be Armageddon.  I also worry that she just won't be able to handle the rigors of a full-time job and a tight budget, which means home cooking, public transportation, little leisure time, having to say "no" to fun things, etc.--all those deprivations that I experienced growing up and still encounter today sometimes, but which are totally foreign to her.

I can't help but feel some resentment that my stepdaughter gets a big chunk of my household income while my husband and I sometimes feel the effects of a tight budget--the other night we decided not to get sushi because of the expense--when we have both worked our tails off to reach retirement, while my stepdaughter is spending with abandon, and she has no issue asking again and again for money!  She's a master at delaying and delaying "real" adulthood!  It's been eight years, and she's still trying to graduate.  She said she was taking a course this summer, and then I found out it was only three hours long, and it wasn't basketweaving, but it was pretty close.

But at the same time, I understand the dynamic.  Why wouldn't she ask for money?  My husband ALWAYS gives it to her.  He loves her.  He doesn't want her to go without.  Most of all, he doesn't want to see her enraged and potentially derailed from the real progress she has made.  So I stay out of it.  And she's learned:  Ask, and she shall receive.  Why change?  (I'll note that a difference is that my stepdaughter isn't currently verbally abusive to her father anymore, as her BPD behaviors have dwindled with treatment and medication.)

The person who has to change is my husband.  Right now he's OK with a tight budget.  He's mowing the lawn and helping me cook sometimes.  But this can't last forever.  He can't possibly finance his daughter's current lifestyle for the rest of her life.  He HAS to ensure she becomes independent and learns to care for herself.  He won't be around forever.  In fact, I tend to think it's a good thing he retired, which highlighted how the current situation isn't sustainable.  If he worked for a few more years, then maybe his stepdaughter would coast into her 30s thinking that she was entitled to be financed indefinitely.  But we all know that's not feasible.

I think the next step for us is to ensure she graduates next year.  It's true that my stepdaughter is making progress (albeit slowly) to get a degree, and so the financial support has a "temporary" feel.  Even so, I've been telling my husband, the only way to get the platinum health insurance his daughter desperately needs is through a full-time job.  So now he knows, she needs a full-time job when she graduates.  He has been messaging this to her in the last year or so.  I think my stepdaughter thought she could get by on gig work or "lazy girl" jobs like dog walking or being a social media influencer.  But you know what?  Those jobs don't have benefits.  Many young people don't realize that typical full-time job benefits amount to thousands of dollars, between subsidized health insurance, 401(k) matches and paid time off.  So I'm crossing my fingers that this messaging gets through, and that my stepdaughter graduates (finally) and starts a "real" job with benefits.  Then I imagine the financial support from her dad would decline, and we can re-connect our cable and enjoy sushi again.  My husband says "she'll be on her own," but I doubt she'll be able to get a job that pays enough to support herself entirely.  Even so, weaning her off would be an improvement.

That's a very longwinded way of saying that the person who has to change is you, so that you're in control of your budget again.  Your daughter has learned that, when she asks for money and throws a fit, she gets it.  Why on earth would she stop that?  Even if she feels a little guilty about it, the payoff is too high for her.  Now that her tactics aren't working like they once did, she's doubling down.  She's asking for more (and shouting louder), seeing if you give in.  Please don't, or you're going to fuel her even more, and you'll be in an arms race.  You are REWARDING her for treating you badly.  Your offer sounds very generous:  full rent for two more months, then half the rent.  She's an adult and responsible for herself now.  If half the rent isn't enough, then she needs to work overtime, cut back on restaurant food or find a cheaper place with roommates.  She won't problem-solve if you step in and over-function for her.  If you do give in, it becomes an arms race of escalating demands and emotional abuse.  If you want her nastiness to stop, you should stop rewarding it, right?  You are doing what's right for you and her.  If you step back and see the behavior for what it is, maybe you won't take her nasty words personally.  If you get your husband to support you as a united front, I bet that will make you feel better and stronger.  Maybe you can think of her abuse as an "adult tantrum."  What might work well for adult tantrums?  Adult time-outs.  Give her time and space to cool off.  I doubt she'll apologize, but maybe she'll come around and talk to you in a civil manner.  Then you reward her with attention--not money.  If she cuts you off completely, then that might not be the worst thing, as she learns to support herself.  If she does that, you have done an amazing job.

I guess the caveat to all this is the notion of "over-functioning" for your daughter.  It sounds like you are "over-functioning" for her by buying her things that she should be buying for herself.  Now it may be that your daughter is truly disabled or too sick to earn money as she's getting treatment.  That's a judgment call you need to make.  Perhaps I'd re-define NEETT to be Not in Employment, Education, Training or Treatment.  It's not right for an adult to be NEETT.  But maybe to facilitate further Education, Training or Treatment you could help her out financially on a temporary basis, provided that she was actively getting Educating, Training or Treatment.  That would be a hand up, not a hand out.

@ CC43 thanks for sharing your story , I’m taking notes.

As a codependent parent these are easy traps to fall into.

I’m seeing my own tendencies to over parent and overprovide for my children will bear toxic fruits in the future. Although I’m learning to take pride in telling my children ‘I  don’t have money’.

Hi Jennifer63,
It sounds like your Wise Mind is leading you on the right path. You want to be supportive of your child, but not at the expense of your own well-being. Logical Mind would pull all help immediately, Emotion Mind gives in due to fear.  Your approach meets your needs while giving your child the chance to transition.

Your post also gave me much to consider in my current situation. And it helped me to clarify our path.

I believe our dd(29) feels better about herself when she’s able to make her own way financially. This has been very apparent in recent weeks. She was fired from her job almost 2 months ago and has no employment prospects on the horizon.  Not only was there guilt/shame/anger/despair/sadness from losing a job she loved—she has very little money saved to weather the situation and is incredibly frightened about the future. She has enough funds to make it through another week, tops.  Then I know the rage will come. I’ve been preparing myself, because I’m the target.  She will blame me for “giving” her BPD and say that we owe it to her to pay for everything since we “caused” her situation. And we, like you, must stand firm.

We currently pay about 75% of her rent (self-preservation on our part—it would be awful if she lived with us).  She pays all her bills, car insurance, food costs, gas, entertainment.  She does Door Dash for fun money. Even with her contribution, she would mention that she feels rotten that we help pay her rent. I think she hates herself because she can’t make ends meet in her chosen field.  She’s jealous of her brothers for having financial stability—but she can’t be angry with them, so she turns it on me: ‘you love them more’. ‘go spend time with your perfect sons.’ 

We’ve assured her that we’re happy to help and that we are willing to support her until she finishes her teaching degree. She was planning to return to school in the fall but this job loss has put that on hold. Her BPD traits get in the way of forward progress. And as soon as she feels the shame/guilt, the blame games begin. It’s always everyone else’s fault (usually just me).

So my H and I are talking at length about a plan.  We’ll wait until she asks for funds, let her know what we are willing to do, and (hopefully) together figure out a plan that includes her getting a job. I honestly believe that if she had a job that covered her expenses, she would feel so much better about herself and the world around her.

So thanks, Jennifer63, for getting to Wise Mind and helping me do the same.  It won’t be a smooth road and there will be a lot of anger and worry and fear to go around.

I hope that in doing what’s hard, we will be doing what’s best. Stay strong and believe in yourself.

There are so many parallels in these stories.

We pay the rent for our daughter with BPD. We're moving her into her own apartment because the situation always goes south when there are roommates, which is going to be almost double what we're currently paying. We do not want her living with us because she is too volatile/disruptive. She does get some government benefits with which we expect her to cover all other living expenses. It's a pauper's existence and there is usually 'month left at the end of the money' but even then we don't help her out. We expect her to figure it out and do better the next month. We have paid off her credit card debt before, but she just racks it up again, so we won't do that again.

We keep stressing that the rent situation is temporary and that we expect her to help cover parts, then all of her rent eventually. We also call it a rent subsidy, one that will only be provided if she stays off all substances (weed & alcohol are the ones she abuses). If she has money to buy substances, she has money to help cover her rent. While we are subsidizing her rent, she has to share her bank and credit card transactions. If she takes out cash, I want to see receipts proving she paid cash for something. We would pay directly for therapy if she went.

When she is clear-minded, she understands all of this and agrees. When she's angry we are the worst parents ever.