BPDFamily.com

hi ,all this is my first post in this forum ,while i am writing this i am literally shivering my life is complete messed up ,my mother which i think has symtoms of bpd ,has completely destroyed my life

i am 30 years old male ,unemployed with zero self esteem ,although i am a engineer by degree but i am literally no energy left ,recently read about this book called stop walking on shells , it was like it was my lifestory ,
i am trying very hard but i am not able to concentrate ,please help me what do i do ???????

please help me

30 is still very young- you have your whole life ahead of you. It's good that you have your degree. At the moment, emotionally, you are going through a difficult time. Yes, having a mother with BPD can take a toll on self esteem. There are some way to start your path to emotional recovery. Don't be hard on yourself- it can take some work- one step at a time.

We don't diagnose here but feeling like you do, it sounds like you might be depressed. Please seek out counseling in your area- some places have a sliding scale for fees. If you have no resources, or insurance- look for free or reduced fee clinics in your area- go for a visit with their providers- they may be able to refer you for counseling.

Employment doesn't have to be in your field. It's been shown that a low stress job can help with depression- even something like working in a grocery store, fast food, yardwork- can give you a routine, get you out of the house.

You may feel you have no energy but light exercise- taking a walk outside- can help you feel better.

Note that these suggestions are not about your mother but about you, and self care. This is key- taking care of you is #1. Even small steps help. You matter!!

Hi there,

If you are dealing with a loved one with BPD in your life, we know how desperate that can make you feel!  Would you say that her emotions are volatile, and that she lashes out at you?  I know how difficult that can be.  Sometimes it feels like you can't get away from it.  No matter what you do, you feel the brunt of their anger.

I agree with the previous poster.  Instead of hiding in your room, you might consider getting some fresh air and exercise.  Take a walk, in nature if you can, and get the benefit of a different perspective.  If your mind is racing, one thing you might try on your walk is to pick out something remarkable or unusual.  Focus only on noticing:  a hawk swooping, a gigantic mushroom, the sound of ice cracking, the squish of March mudness, fifty shades of gray.  Just noticing things and focusing the mind can help you settle down and re-center.  Find that one remarkable thing on your walk (or jog) that makes it special, and write it down in a notebook or on your phone.  (I used to record these special things in my "fun run" notebook, to motivate me to jog regularly.)

I also agree with the other poster that a job can help in many ways, and it wouldn't necessarily have to be in your field, but it might be beneficial to work in something tangential to engineering, as you have considerable skills.  Almost every industry needs engineers!  Merely having a routine and working alongside like-minded colleagues can boost your self-esteem, along with your wallet.  Ideally, you'd get out of the house five days per week.  And if you had a regular paycheck, presumably you could get your own place.  Wouldn't that be marvelous?

Maybe everything seems too overwhelming for you right now.  Sometimes what I do when I feel overwhelmed is write down just ONE thing that I could accomplish that day, and if I do it, it will be a wonderful day, no matter what else happens.  That one thing could be anything, as long as it makes your day wonderful.  Maybe it's finishing a book.  Writing a resume.  Applying for one job in your field.  Getting in a workout.  Grabbing coffee with a friend.  Getting a pesky task off your to-do list.  Reaching out to someone you admire to ask for professional advice.  What's the one thing that you could do today that could make your day wonderful?

thanks ,everyone for the post ,but how do i stop this overwhelming emotion ,my heart is racing and racing ,my mind is not calm ,whenever i go to outside i feel good ,but the moment i come to my house i feel like something is about to happen ,there is some crisis which is on the way ,i am constantly at this alert or hyperactive state ,whenenver i go outside and talk to my friends my mom say such a bad things to me ,that i feel like crying ,now i don't  even have any friends .
although i was one of the above average student in my class but seeing my friends progessing brings more shame in me ,my mom is always critising me ,how to manage that intense emotion
i thought that i had some kind of mental health problem ,i was outside my house for 1 week i felt like i was breathing ,i felt like light feather like i could fly ,you know but the moment i enter this home ,my heart is just pounding and pounding ,just looking for next crisis to happen ,
just 5 minutes before she said such a bad thing that i cried in front of her ,she even slap me ,punch me ,and when i push her she say that you are responsible for it ,
sometime ,the mark of her beating remains with me for many days ,
i feel guilty of asking out to help because i dont want to insult her in public ,but she is not stoping ,by heart is again pounding like crazy ,she is again making noise ,she is coming to see my lapto

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thanks ,everyone for the post ,but how do i stop this overwhelming emotion ,my heart is racing and racing ,my mind is not calm ,whenever i go to outside i feel good ,but the moment i come to my house i feel like something is about to happen ,there is some crisis which is on the way ,i am constantly at this alert or hyperactive state ,whenenver i go outside and talk to my friends my mom say such a bad things to me ,that i feel like crying ,now i don't  even have any friends .
although i was one of the above average student in my class but seeing my friends progessing brings more shame in me ,my mom is always critising me ,how to manage that intense emotion
i thought that i had some kind of mental health problem ,i was outside my house for 1 week i felt like i was breathing ,i felt like light feather like i could fly ,you know but the moment i enter this home ,my heart is just pounding and pounding ,just looking for next crisis to happen ,
just 5 minutes before she said such a bad thing that i cried in front of her ,she even slap me ,punch me ,and when i push her she say that you are responsible for it ,
sometime ,the mark of her beating remains with me for many days ,
i feel guilty of asking out to help because i dont want to insult her in public ,but she is not stoping ,by heart is again pounding like crazy ,she is again making noise ,she is coming to see my lapto

I think you know the solution- it's hard to relax when you are in this situation. What you are experiencing is your body's fight or flight reaction. You have seen the difference when you are away for a while.

This is not your fault- I understand being in fear of my mother and the feeling of being "on aleart" around her. I see you also feel an obligation to her. It's ironic - my mother isn't capable of taking care of herself, but she is very critical of others.

There are problems with boundaries here. At age 30- she should not be looking at your laptop. This is the kind of supervision a parent might have for a child- but not an adult. She has no right to your personal information.

She is being emotionally and verbally abusive. If she's beating you, this is physical abuse. IMHO- you need to get away from her. I understand not wanting to embarrass her but this is not a situation to tolerate. Keeping my BPD mother's issues as a secret happened in my family too but it's not OK to allow anyone to be abusive to you.

It's difficult as there are more DV shelters for women than for men. Somehow, you need to take one step- one step at a time- to get yourself to a situation where you are emotionally safe. There must be a DV hotline you can call for local resources.

I understand that leaving may be too big a step to contemplate. Another reason for taking a walk is to get out- even for a little while- to allow your system to calm down for a bit.

A job- that gets you out of the house- any job- and around other people. Also- telling your mother that you need to be at work is a boundary. And- you don't have to come home right away.

My father chose to stay with my mother- even though she was controlling with him. I don't think this is the best situation for you- you are not your mother's spouse (she may be treating you like one)- the best thing for you is to become an independent adult- even if it's one step at a time. But here are ways my father got some time to himself- he took walks, he liked coffee shops, he ran errands for her- to get some time in the car.

Where is your father? Do you have relatives- siblings, grandparents? I know you don't want to be dependent on another family member but you might be able to trade helping for being able to stay temporarily- maybe an elderly relative ( a sane one) needs assistance to stay in their home- you could help with upkeep and doing household tasks for them. A sibling might need someone to watch their kids after school. With your degree background you could help with homework.

One idea is to tutor. There are kids in high school and college who need help with higher math and physics and not lot of people have that skill. There are even online options to tutor but better to be out of the house if possible to do this- like at a library or coffee shop. This could bring in some of your own cash to control.

I know it's hard to even think- which is why taking walks can help. You can then hear your own thoughts.

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thank you so much for the response ,i am literally crying while seeing the response
it is like now there is someone whom i can talk and have the point of view without the judgement ,,
but here i feel so much guilt inside of mine ,she has no one except me ,all she has is me but i feel like in front of her i am being stuck in 9 year old ,although i am 30 year old
what do i do now ,where do i go ????
i have no one except her ??

2 minutes back she was consoling me that dont do something that makes me mad ,she was all loving and caring to me , i am literally shivering right now

again thank you for replying to me ,it is like there is tons of bricks out of my chest ,i feel so much light

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my grandparents live in another state ,apart from that she stops me from meeting any relative whether from my father side or even from her own sisters
my mother and i live together without any kind of contact from our relative whenever they come in our house she make so much of issue that i just want to hide and run away she says bad things to them ,that even they just dont come ,it was because of them and their love and affection i completed my engineering with good marks but she just made the house so much misearble that i left my job ,my friends ,everything to make her happy but she is not becoming happy .
i am exhausted to my soul i just cant take it anymore she  cant listen ,no matter how logical i am
i have done everything a son has to do ,from getting a good degree to never smoking or drinking ,i even take her to place ,make her food ,clean the house i do everything that i can do  but she is not changing
 

You can not make her change- nothing you do can make her change. I hope you can accept that. Your choosing to not pursue your own life will not make her happy- it will only keep you from doing what is best for you.

Your mother is also not thinking of your best interests. This isn't thinking like a parent. mother is expecting is beyond what is reasonable respect for a parent. Parents who love their kids want them to become independent adults with their own lives.

Maybe this story will help you to understand this idea.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0%3ball

Kmtp
Many members here understand exactly what you are describing.

At the moment you feel like you’re the only one in the world who cares about your mum and that she needs you or like she won’t survive without you.

I’ve been there and I too have sacrificed myself and made mistakes in my career to suit my mother’s needs. I too was proud that I never smoked or drank alcohol and was perfect to please my mum. I literally became her maid and it was still not enough.

It almost killed me and guess what , my mum with bpd did not care. She showed fake concern for my welfare infrequently.

I’ve gone no contact with my mother and it took many years to accomplish even though it didn’t have to be so.

Like others have mentioned here, the only person who can help you is you.

It’s a tough decision to make- you will feel like you were abandoning a child in a desert but remember that when you leave , your mum will find a replacement- someone else to meet her endless needs.

You mentioned aunts and other relatives, if I was in your situation I would seek help from relatives- they may know about your mum’s behaviour.

It’s great that you have a degree and that you have worked in the past, hope is not lost.

She has encouraged you to be unemployed so you can be available to her all the time.

Is there a reason you are not employed?

Gaining meaningful employment is one way to take back control of your life- you can be gone for hours and it will do a lot of good for your mental health to be away from her. Even an entry level job would give you financial independence from her if that’s an issue.
Any way to get away from her is to enrol in education or any other training- anything to get you out of home.

Hi there,

I can hear the nerves and uncertainty in your plaintive replies.  What you describe is a classic abusive relationship.  Here are some of the red flags:

-Using violence to punish you or prevent you from doing something
-Isolating you from family and friends
-Using harsh criticism; making you feel guilty for everything
-Surveilling you; watching your every move
-Monitoring your phone or laptop

This is not your fault, and it's not normal for a parent to treat their children the way your parent is treating you.  She's isolating you so you begin to feel you lose your identity, and you devote all your time and energy to serving her like a slave.

There's another person on this site, LyricalAristotle, who describes a very similar situation going on right now.  So you are not alone.  He describes feelings of fear and dread, just like you.  He is highly educated, just like you.  And yet he's stuck at home taking care of his mom, losing all his friends, and in danger of losing his job.  The more he tries to pull away, the more his mom acts out and tries to sabotage him; or she uses guilt and a lifetime of controlling tactics to appear needy and get what she wants.  She will stop at NOTHING until she gets what she wants.

We suggest taking a walk outside because it's something you can do RIGHT NOW.  As you've seen, maybe you get a few precious moments to re-center yourself and calm down.  Knowing that works for you (it certainly does for me), walking can become your best friend.

But you and I know you have to re-enter the home eventually, which makes you feel dread.  What would a good friend tell you if you told him that you dread going home?  That your home is supposed to be a sanctuary?  That your home isn't working for you?  That you should leave?  That you're a smart, educated man with most of his life ahead of him?  That he doesn't know what's holding you back?

If your mom hits you, you need to dial 911, because that's abuse.  If she's cunning, she might try to say that YOU were the one who hit her first, so try to get documentation (video her, or maybe take pictures of bruises).  What you are doing now is rewarding her bad behavior with servitude.  She needs to learn that abuse gets her in trouble with the police.

I will reiterate that getting a job will give you more time away from the awful home environment, and you'll earn some money.  If you really feel you can't find a job (despite your talent in engineering), you could always consider military service.  How would that sound to you?  I bet there are amazing opportunities for someone with your skills.

I really like the idea of trying to move in with another relative on a temporary basis, if only to get a "vacation" from your homelife.  That's what vacation is--vacating your life, so that you get some rest and feel rejuvenated.  Only when you are in a good headspace can you have the bandwidth to plan next steps.  It wouldn't matter if you had to move to another state.  And I bet you could help them around the house or in other matters, so that you don't feel like too much of a burden.  Maybe you could house-sit for someone while they are away on vacation?  Do any of your relatives have pets?  Maybe you could offer to take care of the pets in their absence.  If you can't find a family member, then maybe you could find a friend with a spare room?

I know it might be hard to think straight when your mother is acting out, so I think you need to prioritize getting some space and a break from her.

And whatever your mom is saying that's mean, don't believe it.  She's just trying to manipulate you, and she'll say whatever is most hurtful to do that.  I bet she's testing out all the insults to see what hurts you most.  Don't believe a word of it.  Try to see it as the way she's controlling you  Once you see that, then maybe you can set a boundary:  you won't let her talk like that to you.  If she does, you leave the room.  And maybe you leave entirely.  I'm rooting for you!  You deserve better.  Tell yourself that:  you don't deserve abuse, nobody does.  You are talented, and you are smart.

My heart breaks hearing how your mother with BPD is affecting you. I grew up with a mother with BPD and for most of my life I was unable to disconnect from my mother's overwhelming emotions and had challenges in many areas of my life: including having a job. I was often told by people that they felt frustrated with how disconnected I was. When I went to therapy, I learned that I had major challenges with disassociation. Long term therapy for Complex CPTSD helped me to learn to face my feelings, be present in the moment, to have self compassion, to be able to have healthy relationships and most of all to differentiate: to become a separate person in my own right: to own my feelings and not take on the feelings of disordered people as if they were my own.

I’ve read this story in the link so many times and it’s always fresh in my awareness of the kind of weight involved when dealing with a parent or loved one with bpd..
It’s literally your life or theirs and usually they will be fine, as they are skilled in recruiting caretakers, so inevitably it’s just your life at stake not theirs

Thanks for the mention. I do not comment much as of yet because I am still navigating my own journey, but I think I can offer some advice for the stage in which you are. However, I am stronger than I was the first day I made a post on this site. You are coming out of the fog. It is important to recognize the feelings you have because your mind is letting you know that the situation you are living in right now is not right.

It’s going to be tough but you’ve made it through one of the hardest parts, which is acknowledging what you are dealing with and seeking the support of others that have struggled with the same problem. My biggest advice is to begin with small steps towards rebuilding your life and career.

I’m not an engineer, but I can tell you from experience, it is possible to salvage a career. Keep in mind that there may be situations where you couldn’t do your best because you can’t concentrate and employers will be angry, but just know it’s not your fault and that the end goal is independence. Take on load / junior positions if you can. Please do not take on advanced roles until you find the path towards your independence. It will take away from the mental energy you need to manage your mom and career successfully. It’s a delicate dance.

I am saving my career through “alternative plans”. Develop a Plan A and B. Then a Plan B to your Plan A, so on. It took some time, but I know you can do it. If you need career strategy help, PM me and I’ll advice you in more detail.

It’s going to be okay for you. You will be able to take care of yourself and regain a life. You may feel tired and unintelligent, but those are lies and exhaustion clouding your view. Please try some of the self centering techniques mentioned in this thread. They are actually super helpful.

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