BPDFamily.com

This comes up a lot on the forum. So thought it might be helpful to have a more positive thread of things that have worked. I've had success safeguarding finances, so I'll go first:

The same safeguarding rules that apply to people, apply to money. I.e. you need an "open, honest and transparent system." But someone looking to decive will find ways to avoid transparency, so:

1) Preventative measures are needed, i.e. before the wealth is created (or know about) otherwise selfish people will try and get control. The red flags are anyone trying to avoid being "open, honest and transparent" sometimes they're just trying to hide a mistakes ... but there's never a good reason for this.

2) Ensure no one person in the family gets total control of finances (if you can). E.g. set up Trusts, joint accounts - a finance professional can advise.

3) Keep evidence of the total amount in them (screen shot etc...) As the first thing a deceitful person will do is try and remove the transparency. E.g. Feels don't = truth. Bank statements do. If someone has a Personality Disorder they will take the “False News” approach and continue to bully, so have bullet proof evidence. They will also try and find unethical lawyers – e.g. my ex changed lawyers multiple times, but a good Judge will see through it, but they had to lose 3 court cases before giving up.

4) If someone lacks money awareness they can spend too much or too little. That happens if someone is unaware (e.g. Personality Disorders) or has traditionally gotten what they want by bullying. E.g. Trump was worth less than he inherited, bankrupted 7 business and still managed to convince people he’s good a business (plus his lawyer has now been found guiltily).

It's not fair, there's no doubt in my mind that my ex uNPD, had no intention of sharing anything with the kids (and also played obvious favourites) where as I suspect my uBPD mother, just uses it to try and get people to come over (to sign things). She offers money to the person that doesn't need it, and always refuses the one that does. I.e. Triangulation.

Hope that helps, but given my uNPD and uBPD never created any wealth and avoided working, my kids would have had the financial issues my family had growing up, and the same bad habits. But it did make me very ill. But we live in more enlightened times, so just take professional advice … btw my uNPD & uBPD most effective manipulation was to use old fashioned sexism. e.g. only a woman understands emotions and looks out for the children ... we now live in more enlightened times thankful.  :hug: 

PS - what things have worked for you ? E.g. sometimes it's worth walking away if you don't need the money, etc...

My ex got less than I offered before going to court , waisted all her cash on changing lawyers and then kicked the kids out of the family home at the first opportunity. So I felt I had no other option - but it did make me very ill. What's worked in your situation ?

I think this is most problematic in a marriage because of joint property and debt. If one spouse is a reckless spender, it affects the other.

When it's a parent - it becomes an issue when the child is a young adult. Pursuing higher education places the child in a sort of suspended dependency - while still being a young adult. This is the stage where the parent needs to gradually "let go" of control and allow the adult child to have more autonomy as they show more responsibility. The parent with BPD may affect the process of maturity for the child by being overly enabling, and controlling.

It can also become an issue if the elderly parent creates financial issues for themselves and isn't cooperative with a reliable adult child.

In my situation, I became financially independent as soon as possible as a young adult. I won't accept money from my BPD mother and she doesn't offer it to me.