BPDFamily.com

Hello, this is my first post. I am just tired... been married for almost 20yrs and have always had struggles. Just recently stumbled upon BPD in my spouse. Randomly searching audio books to read, "Walking on egg shells" passed by. It resonated. Upon hearing the first chapter I had to stop and sob as the light went on. Immediately I sought professional counseling to help process. Currently I am still trying to figure this all out and educating myself as much as possible. Looking forward to learning what I can. I am just so tired...Thank you for your time.

You're not alone - I've been with my husband for 11 years in September (5 dating, 7 married) and just found out that his pattern of ups and downs is BPD. It's overwhelming to describe the waves of emotions I felt.
One part was definitely grief for what I thought our life together might be - the idea of a calm and sweet life, the way that he is when things are good. The way that my parents live.
One part was relief, that all these years of being told I was the "crazy" one, I was the problem... may not have been the most accurate picture. That I wasn't off-base for thinking that there was something cyclical to his recklessness, his speeding, his drinking. For worrying that the little hints of darkness went a whole lot deeper then I could see.
It's definitely exhausting. It's hard to not look back and feel... I don't know... lost? Confused? Like I'm looking at our life together through new eyes? But that also doesn't mean he has changed. He is still the same person I've always loved. He has the same complications, the same headaches and heartaches that I committed to navigating. I just know for certain now that the resolution is just as far-off as I suspected the first time I found him sobbing on the bathroom floor at 20.
I'm new here too... but knowing this group exists really helps. Welcome <3