BPDFamily.com

First let me say that i’ve done my research on BPD and know pretty much everything about it. My main problem is how to get away from my mother. She recently got diagnosed with it after being misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’m living with both of my parents since i’m not over 20 yet and can’t afford a place to get away. All of my life living with them was pure torture, it’s bad enough that my mother has bpd but my father definitely has NPD and IED.
My childhood is a blur, all i can remember were some of their fights but i can’t remember exactly when did all of those things happen. To tell you honestly i don’t know what parent troubles me more, I definitely have some kind of trauma. I’m not sure if I can dump here but I’ll just say that my father burned our second floor (he was drunk). Later on he did quit drinking but he still has trouble with controlling his anger.
Let’s just say that I’m terrified of both of them. I’m constantly walking on egg shells. I’m currently writing here because im also scared of after effects that they left me with. I completely lost sense of self, i don’t know if I actually like psychology and want to study it because im interested in it or I like psychology because I was forced to understand them. I know why they became the way they did and I just can’t blame them but it’s still hard to go through all of this. One day it’s peaceful and my mother loves me but the next day she tells me that she doesn’t want to be a mother anymore, after that she comes crying to me saying that she didnt mean it. It’s exhausting. I’m always in complete confusion.
Since I can’t go into details here, all I can say is that it’s almost impossible to escape from them, what’s worse I think I might’ve gotten used to this, I’ve become completely dependent on them, since they won’t let me work at all, and my father is going to be paying for my college. I just cant find a way how to stop all of this before they actually do drive me crazy. A few years ago I’ve already tried to kill my self because of constant stress that I endured.
So please if you have any idea how I can deal with this I would really appreciate it. Just keep in mind that I am living with them, it wouldn’t be possible to move out anytime soon, and that I’m depending on them for finances.
I apologize if this was long, it’s just that it’s tuff for other people to understand the situation so I barely told  anyone about my situation. And I also apologize if my English is bad.

Wow.. That's a lot for anyone to live in..  ~Prayers your way.

Just some practical thoughts that may give you happy goals to focus on rt now.

College: Stay focused on your educational goals. They are a path out and forward.

Financial Aid for School:
Look at the FASFA website for need-based GRANTS (free money) for your undergraduate degree!
--Take advantage of this resource NOW as it is not available for graduate school later.

If you are being listed as a dependent on your parents' taxes, this application would be calculated off of their incomes (and yours, if you are working).  If you are not working, your application will just be based on parental income.

If your parents are not making a lot, you may be eligible for significant grant funding for both tuition and (I think) housing costs during your undergraduate degree.  -My daughter came through a UC-system university with zero educational debt for her B.A. degree!  -And what the FAFSA didn't cover for her, the university system did, much to our surprise (FAFSA communicates with the Financial Aid Office at your university -but check on this yourself as well).

You can apply for the FAFSA as a dependent of your parents (meaning they have been/are continuing to count you as a dependent on their taxes)  -or via declaring yourself to be financially independent.  This second route takes some (could be a year or longer -?) to establish I believe.     -And it would mean your parents lose you as a tax deduction (may be one reason they do not want you to have a job?) 

You need to talk with a FAFSA person to confirm current info but when my kiddos were in college and receiving this (and other) educational grants, based on my income as their parent, I did NOT lose them as deductions on my taxes.  --Let you parents know this!

The FASFA app is NOT difficult to complete.  It will require information from your parent's taxes so you guys will need to work on it together.   -If they are unwilling (can't imagine your father would not be interested in saving thousands of dollars), you should talk with FAFSA about your options.

How soon can you start college?  What other steps do you need to complete to get there?  Even if you are not planning to attend a local junior college, you could meet with one of their academic counselors and have them walk you through the steps needed to apply and work on financial aid options NOW, ahead of time. 

Are there prep-classes you need to take now before being accepted into a four-year program (at a school that is going to require you live on campus, getting you out of your parents' chaotic household)?  Go over all of this with the academic counselor.
 
Focus on building your future life NOW.

You deserve this.

And when you get to college, they have free psychological counseling you can take advantage of in the interest of your own healing.  ~Use it!   <3

P.S.:  Your English is perfect.  :~)

Hi AntelaB111

I know you say you wont be able to move out anytime soon but how about looking at the possibly of moving out to live with a close relative such as an aunt, sister, grandparent etc. Do you think that would that be something your parents may be more receptive to letting you do?

btw I agree with Joyful Noise.....Your English is perfect!