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My dad and I have always had a pretty good relationship, while I've always struggled with my mother. However, I've been dating this girl for two years, proposed and now we are engaged. The issue is, early in the relationship I vented to my parents about how she was treating me. I had done some really bad things in the very beginning of the relationship that we had worked through, and we had been committed to trying to work things out. However, she then started taking a medication which changed her behavior, making her pick fights every single day. I told my parents about this, also telling them about my behavior in the beginning. After constant fights with her, she dumped me. We got back together several days later and I talked with my parents about it. My parents blew up at me for getting back together with her and banned her from the house. I fought against that but I made the mistake of telling my partner about that. This was really the start of the parent issues.

I have no money. My dad has a family business that I genuinely enjoy working at, and I told my partner I was going to move to take a job that opened up there. She is constantly urging me and fighting me about taking the job. I keep explaining that the reason I am taking the job is that I know it will jumpstart my career AND I have five bucks to my name currently so I can't afford food or rent. She says she will take care of me, but I don't feel comfortable with that and something feels wrong in my gut. She says that my parents are narcissists.

The issue I have is that she has BPD. She literally will never consider that her feelings (while valid) aren't always going to be reliable, and that her feelings about my parents don't trump the actual need to make a living. We've been fighting about this for weeks, often staying up until 3 am just trying to resolve this but it isn't working. She refuses to see anything but "narcissistic parents" and "bad family dynamics." How can I show her that this is literally just employment? How can I stop the near constant fights and drama? I'm getting so burnt out. Every time we discuss anything related to the issue she gets sarcastic and passive aggressive, and it's really frustrating.

Hello TiredPsychology and a warm *welcome*

Join the club with others who are navigating the complexities of BPD relationships. It's interesting that usually the impact of BPD is felt far beyond just the core relationship. It can impact not only romantic partners, but also parents, siblings, children, friends, and extended family. You're in good company with members here who are coping with similar situations.

The first thing that strikes me about your post is that I'd like to learn more about the level of closeness you have with your parents. Each family is different -- there is a wide range of family norms, cultural norms, and social norms for closeness/sharing. To you, does the level of sharing you have with your parents feel pretty normal, too much, not enough... other...?

I'm also curious about this:


What the medication is for, if you don't mind my asking? BPD plus other health (physical or mental) issues can be a big challenge.


Does she have a diagnosis? If so, does she accept it? Is she doing any treatment/therapy?

If no diagnosis, did she say something like "wow, I wonder if I have BPD", or did you put some pieces together, or?


This sounds like part of the core of the issue.

If BPD is in fact involved, it's important to remember that it's a serious and impairing mental illness. We wouldn't try to have 3am arguments with the man on the streetcorner who is arguing with the sky... but because BPD sufferers can sometimes present as "normal" and "in touch with reality", we get sucked into trying to reason with them, argue them into our position, "get them to see reality", etc.

When BPD is in play, "generally normal" approaches to conflict will likely not be effective and can often be deeply hurtful and counterproductive. For your relationship to have a chance, learning new (and often unintuitive) tools and skills will be critical. Before things can get better, we have to clean up our side of the street and stop making things worse.

A great place to start is our overview of The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0). Take a look when you have a minute -- anything there resonate with you?

Looking forward to learning more about your story;

kells76

Hi! The medication was for a cosmetic issue, not for mental health. She has a formal diagnosis and it's just exhausting.

More about my family dynamics. I have a close knit family. It's pretty usual for people to come to other members of the family for guidance or advice. We tend to talk with each other regularly. Not just with parents, but grandparents and cousins. Everyone is really close since we were all raised in the same environment and grew up together. My cousins are my best friends. After I had multiple bad relationships, I reached out to them and asked them about their opinions on my partner due to them being right in the past.