BPDFamily.com

Hi I’m new here and so glad I found your site, I feel so alone as no one I know has a situation like this. I have been married for 27 years and have a son with my husband. We have been through a lot. He knows he has severe PTSD but doesn’t know it think he has BPD. My therapist has diagnosed him and I read walking on egg shells and felt like it was my life in a book. He has gotten a lot of help over the years but has refused going to DBT, which I think would really help. I have been having problems with my job and would really like to quit, I complain all the time about it, I am trying to figure out how not to complain so much, it’s like I’m on a roll and can’t stop. I realize he has listened to it for a long time but we are not in. Position for me to quit, he has been out of work for a year due to having surgery on both shoulders. Yesterday he yelled at me to quit, he knows that’s not possible. I tried to come talk to him and apologize for complaining all the time but he was ignoring me and didn’t want to listen. I feel all on my own. But there are things he can do that would help me get a lower paying job. He could look for a part time job that he can do, he had first surgery in November 2023 and second March 2024. And he could sell his $850/mo truck for something less. I was frustrated and said this to him. And then said something really stupid I said why don’t you do something like sell your truck or get a part time job or would you rather I just off myself because that is where I am at. (Don’t say I would do it just that I wanted hint to see I’m at a breaking point) should never have said that. He came in to the house and started raging, we were up at our cabin and he grabbed our bag and said we were leaving, then he was leaving me by myself with out a vehicle. I tried to calm him, he ripped the door off the hinge, tore the screen apart when the door got stuck and he couldn’t get in the house. He said he was going to punch me in the face if I didn’t let him leave. He then came back but still raging and said I punched him in the chest,that did not happen. He was going to show me the mark and then couldn’t find one. He said so many horrible things, that he hates me and wants a divorce. These were things he has said many times before. I have decided to stay in our marriage a long time ago and deal with this behavior. But I want to be able to voice how I am feeling and that I need support or if I have any disappointment with him in our relationship and this is what happens when I do that. I keep most things to myself about how I feel, I have learned to do that. I know my complaining about my job was a lot and I admit that. But come on, I can’t complain or say any disappointment? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Would DBT help me?? I am willing to do anything

Hi Rainbow13, just checking in on how things are going for you. It's good to hear you're in therapy -- that kind of support is critical for a BPD relationship to have a chance.

I may have missed it elsewhere; how old is your son? And does he live at home?


As you're already well aware, BPD relationships don't really function like "generally normal" (it's a broad range) relationships. Typical relationship advice is to "talk it out", "explain how you feel", "reach compromise after an argument", "forgive and let go of the past", etc.

A pwBPD may be impaired relationally and emotionally in ways where long relationship talks, explanations, sharing disappointments, etc, instead of leading to resolution, closure, and healing, instead are like throwing gas on a fire -- unintuitively, those approaches make things worse.

While there are many relationship tools and skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0) when a partner has BPD, there are a few very structured approaches for communicating something that you think your partner may not like to hear, but you feel you must share.

The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566) can help when you want to make a request in a way that has the best chance of getting across to your parnter.

The S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth) communication pattern (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695) can help when there's an unpleasant truth that you must communicate, and you are willing to let go of clinging to a particular outcome.

It's important to remember that neither of those tools are for controlling a partner's response.  

They are tools that give us a better -- but not guaranteed -- chance of being heard, but we must first release our grip on needing our partner to respond a certain way. After all, that's controlling.

If we can let go of "having to have" a certain outcome, and can instead choose to prioritize making our statement no matter what, then that could be thought of as success: "even if he doesn't like what I have to say, I'm still choosing to communicate and be open, and I'm doing it in the least hurtful, most effective way I can right now. I will be OK -- I am an OK person -- no matter how he responds."


DBT can help anyone! Any person, regardless of whether or not BPD is involved, can benefit from DBT, as it is a skills and behavior based approach to better coping with and management of difficult feelings. Even I don't cope with difficult feelings well, so I could certainly benefit.

An additional plus for you engaging with DBT is that it can help you understand your H's experience more, too, and give you unique tools and skills to communicate more effectively with him.

I wonder if you could run that idea by your current therapist?