BPDFamily.com

Free of the bpd relationship for ten years now, but the traumas and triggers still linger. I wish that I could just stop looking at everything sideways when triggered in similar situations to past traumas by my bpd ex.

Backstory.
22 years with a bpd spouse full of ghosting, charming, monkey branching and numerous affairs.

In a current relationship that is being sorely tested by my inability to heal from past traumas.

I can relate to how you're feeling, it does take a long time to return to any sort of normality after being with a BPD partner.  I always find it sad - and so unfair - that we continue to think about them for so long while they have the capability to almost instantly forget us and move on to the next 'ideal' person.

In my own case, it's been 36 years since my BPD stormed out in an unbelievable rage and I finally said 'Enough'. Yes, 36  years.. a lifetime ago really. Yet, whenever I'm out with friends and the chat turns to ex-g/f's, she's the one who always springs to mind, even though I've been with some wondeful partners since. Such is the impression BDP people make upon us.

It does indeed cloud your future thinking and makes you ultra-wary of ever letting anyone into your life again. I probably missed chances to be with decent people after the breakup because my 'red flag radar' was in full swing for quite a while. People can sense when you're holding back.

I wish you well in your current relationship, try not to let one bad experience spoil your life. Easy to say, I know, but very hard to do. I sometimes think that having been with a BDP partner for long enough can make us start to act like them, with insecurity and suspicion towards anything new.

There is a profound impact. I'm only three years out, with only one year of minimal contact, from a 25 year BPD relationship, so I'm still pretty deep in the muck. I guess I'm lucky though, because I only had to deal with my own ex entering an affair and ghosting and monkeybranching at the very end. My prior relationship (of 13 years) was with someone who was bipolar, with a lot of trauma in her background, and with some strong BPD-like traits (splitting, etc.). The damage to my psyche from that earlier relationship bled into the second relationship in multiple ways and made things even worse (i.e., on top of my partner's BPD).

Under The Bridge: "instantly forget us and move on to the next 'ideal' person."
In many cases, I think it's more complicated. Though that certainly is how it looks during the initial idealization phase with the new partner. I suspect that part of what happens is that the pwBPD dissociates from the feelings and memories of the relationship they just left. I was shocked at how utterly cold my BPD ex was when she monkeybranched and left me. But I spent some time reading posts by people with BPD on forums, and they often seem to think a lot about past loves and their own regrets. And that was true of my own ex - she ruminated a lot on this.

Peach99 - if you haven't seen a therapist, it might be worth finding a good therapist, to help you heal from this. Couples therapy is another option (e.g. with a therapist doing something with good evidence of high efficacy, like Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy), if your partner is open to that.