BPDFamily.com

Hi forum,

I'm days out from ending my relationship with my ex.  Everyone has warned me that she will try to get me back.  I'm not really texting her at the moment and have emailed once.  Now she's calling and leaving messages.  Just this morning, she left a message that had the tone of something important but left no details.  Just "please call when you can."

I feel like she's just trying to get me to talk to her.  Whenever I see a text from her my heart starts racing.  But I need to remind myself that I don't need to talk to her right now.  It's my choice.

How long will this last?  I feel like she'll never really want to let go.

I'm realizing that when my exBF uBPD talks to me he can manipulate me. So he asks to call. I stopped responding at all, and he stopped.

when youre trying to commit to a break up, you need walls as high as you need to achieve it.

if that includes some contact (which is often necessary) then you want to control the nature of it; keep it limited. avoid relationship talk, or talk about "us". avoid mixed messages or sending her hope.

there are often a lot of logistics to take care of. this is usually a main reason for continued contact after a breakup.

our exes, like us, often struggle with post break up boundaries, so logistical stuff can be a challenge if say, it prompts our exes to cling or try to win us back. the person on the receiving end of the breakup often will. that can be challenging, and if youre committed to the breakup, youll not only need to navigate it if it happens, but you may need to protect yourself from it if weakens your resolve.


its a valid choice to hit pause, get some distance, and talk at a later point, if need be.

this is a good piece about how (and what extent) to navigate post breakup contact, with the goal of detaching: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

edited to add: approaches to detachment may vary by circumstance. this is a good way to clarify your goals: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0

Thanks all.

At this point I feel that any attempt by her to contact me is an attempt to get me back in her life.  Open that door a crack so she can plead her case again that she'll change and do whatever it takes.  The problem is that I've seen this movie before and it doesn't end well.

I am not going to avoid talking to her completely.  We had two dogs together.  I took one with me.  I'd still like to see the other sometimes.  She told me recently that her dog has been having some blood in her stool and she's worried it may be cancer.  I'm tempted to not believe her but if it's true I'm worried.

My tactic at the moment is to not talk about anything relationship related.  She might opine about how she misses me or things we would do together.  I don't respond.  I'm also trying to put my phone down and not read/respond to things immediately.

I need to show her that this is the way it is.  She's shown how she'll treat me over the past 4 years and it's not OK.  I can't go back to that.

This is one of the most challenging aspects, as my ex just reached out to me tonight, but using different tactics to get me to engage... and the tactics also set him up to be angry if I do not respond, so he can feel justified in whatever he feels or does next...


I am not going to play the game... and it will escalate.


Just be aware that the more you don't plan her game, she may get creative... and potentially after that doesn't work... evil.

Thanks Health Teacher,

Seems like I need to expect the unexpected, sort of.  Our couples therapist noted that she adores me, and still does.  Most of the communication I've gotten from her justifies that statement.  She said that she'd start over with me in a heartbeat without all the toxic intervention from my friends.  What does that mean?

This is the challenge right now.  I have to be strong.