BPDFamily.com

Just curious - has anyone ever contacted their exwBPD after quite a long period of time?

In my own case it’s been 36 years since she had her worst and unbelievably vicious rage that finally made me decide to end things for good. Like most of us, I’d endured her behaviour for years and been totally supportive and loving even though in those pre-home internet times I had never heard of BPD. But this time was the final straw and I saw I’d be in this cycle forever unless I did something about it. Hard choice to make but it had to be done as the bad times were now outweighing any calm and good times we might have.

Fast forward 36 years.  I’ve had wonderful long-term partners and got on with life but never forgot my xwBPD and I’m sure many can relate to that. A while ago, while searching for some old friends online, I entered her name (yes, I can hear you all saying ‘You fool!) and was amazed to find that after all this time she was living just 2 miles from me. I had moved out from town into the country in 1993 and the address search said that she’d moved into the same area a couple of years earlier. Neither of us had any connection to this area yet here we both were. Spooky.

To cut a long story short.. and I’m sure you’ve guessed what’s coming next.. I wrote to her. A nice letter just asking how she was and hoping she was well.  Of course I shouldn’t have written, I know that, but she’s 68 now and I’m 67 so I thought why not?  A part of me will be hoping that she is now less BPD - which according to some reports can decrease with age and who knows what might happen then? Totally wishful thinking on my part and I’m not even expecting a reply from her as, in true BPD form, she will have projected her breaking up onto me and I will be the villain.  But you never know what will happen, do you?

I don’t think she will have changed much so I’m not holding my breath. I have some sort of fantasy where she realises what she lost and we reunite after all this time for the last part of our lives. 'Hope springs eternal' as the saying goes. I included my mobile number in the letter and mentioned that I often go into a pub which is local to both of us, so she has the chance to just walk in if she ever wants to. I’ll keep the site informed of developments!

Oh my friend…. my dear brave, brave friend…

Hope does indeed spring eternal.  This is one of those shoot first, ask questions later sort of things, I guess.  Maybe?

I’m 66, a woman.  And I’ve spent nearly 26 years in LT relationships (2) with disordered men - over 23 of them unknowingly.  But when your eyes are finally opened … hoooo boy!  Hard to close them to that pain. 

The final escape was Hard.  That was in early 2020 and he was just shy of 62.  His RAGE was full blown and frightening the night he left.  He didn’t know he was leaving for good.  I did and I had to wait for it because I was too afraid to break up with him.

In your case, I pray your ex has maybe gotten some help over the years?  If not, expect little to no change.  It will just feel worse because we’re a bit less resilient as we age… we long for peace, the feeling of love and music.  At lease I do. 

The world (and you) will still be at fault for anything and everything that spins wrong in her world.  If she comes to you, it will be because she likely expects you to GIVE and she will TAKE.  Same old same old. Only now “old” will be the operative word, unless she’s kept herself active and alive.

I really and truly wish you the very best.  I have recently found what I believe to be love with a person from my long ago past.  However he is NOT disordered.  G-D does have a sense of humor!  We all need that.

Please keep us posted if you’d like.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Love this!  Keeping it real…

It is indeed! - and thanks for the lovely reply. The way I see it is, at the age we are now, there's nothing to lose really. We've spent a lifetime apart so we're totally used to not seeing each other and anything good that might happen would only be a bonus.

I think I'd rather try for it rather than do nothing and look back when I'm even older and wonder 'what if I had contacted her?'.  I'm sure we all have our 'what might have been' thoughts, even after a long time has passed.

I have a great life now, with good friends of both sexes, many hobbies, active social life and am happy in myself so I can function just fine without her.

As I said, I had no idea of BPD then, I always assumed she just had a bad streak which eventually crossed the line of tolerance I had. Maybe she's had treatment and now understands the problems she had and it would be nice if we were able to talk about them. Am I looking for some sort of closure if nothing else? Possibly - though I know we never usually get any. It's all 'ifs and buts' as I know nothing of how she's been since I last saw her.

Hmm... I wonder if she's still the demon pool player she was back in the day? She'd regularly thrash everyone in the bar.. but if she lost then the BPD would kick in and she'd break up with me as her losing was naturally 'all my fault'.

Now that I understand BPD and what she was going through, I think I'd be able to handle it better and not let it affect me as much as it did when I was younger and had no idea why she acted the way she was. I get more mellow and laid back as I get older and let things wash over me rather than fret over them.