BPDFamily.com

Update... I have been no contact for three weeks and he has really put me through the BPD roller-coaster... by reaching out to me, reaching out to my friends, having some of his friends reach out to me, having some of my friends reach out to me, using items of mine in his possession as leverage to try to control the situation or force me to engage...

He's told my best friend (who also lives in my basement apartment) that he's coming back to town. He's been reaching out to him to try to start a friendship with him... clearly a ploy to get in my orbit (and my house). He never cared about this friend of mine when he lived with me. My friend even went so far as to get VIP tickets to his favorite band... and my ex turned them down! He's a loner, and for the 8 months he stayed with me, he totally ignored my best friend's attempts to befriend him (as any best friend would when you have a partner). He was only kind to my best friend to please me... and now, he's reaching out to him to be buddies... my friend sees through it, but still entertains it... Luckily, he sends me screen shots of their text conversations.

He is absolutely 100% moving back to my area... even though he has a HOME HE OWNS 1 hour 45 minutes away. He has family 1 hour 30 minutes away... the job he chose to take here is a HUGE pay cut for him... he's not coming back for the money. The rent he will pay is MORE than his mortgage for the home he owns an hour and 45 minutes away.

He's not coming to the area to work. Coming here is a financial loss and bad decision overall. He is a chef, so he can literally work ANYWHERE and he can make more than $20/hour.

He's coming back to the area to be in my orbit. He told my friend, "It's for work." My friend said "Don't come back here for [my name], it won't be the same... she's on a journey. Your breakup was a catalyst for deep soul searching and she's growing out of some of her own patterns (the ones that I developed in the abusive relationship that kept me hooked), just be realistic."

He said to him that he's "coming to accept that it's over" and he's "coming to accept that we won't hang out" (him and I).

Why, then? My friend and I are pretty convinced that he is going to stalk me. He had the world at his fingertips with me... everything he ever wanted... and he's going to try like hell to get it back. That's the only reason he's coming back to a low-paying job, to pay rent that's more than his mortgage, in an area where he has no friends...

What kinds of things can I expect, aside form him coming to my house to demand anything he left behind and showing up to the places I like to go to (e.g., brewery trivia)?

I don't want to have to stop going to my favorite places... but I can/will. He's already patterned my behavior by living with me for 8 months. This is a SMALL TOWN.

His contract in New England ends September 15th, so I have a little time to get myself prepared... but also, I am terrified that he will get his hooks back into me. I am not mentally/emotionally ready to see him physically, hear his voice, or hear his sweet talking/future faking/love bombing... I am too fragile and it might still work. I would like to believe that in another month I will be stronger... but what if I am not?

It can be hard to predict exactly what a pwBPD will do. For example, a couple of months ago, I called CPS because of some things my H's kids told me about their mom's house. While I thought that their mom would respond by lashing out at H (she has sent many angry emails in the past), instead she raged at and blamed at my H's oldest (SD18). I didn't see that coming.

It can be more fruitful to focus on what we can do that's under our control, to protect ourselves.

In my case, I gave my supervisor, manager, and HR person at work a heads up -- basically, that there was an active CPS investigation, and while I couldn't predict anything, to be aware that the kids' mom and stepdad might try to contact my workplace by phone, email, or in person.

The kids' mom and stepdad tend more towards emotional manipulation than towards violence, so I was less worried about slashed tires/drivebys/threats and more about the impact on the kids' well-being.

...

Assuming he is moving to your area to stalk you, what can you do now,  that's under your control, to be proactive?

Local police, or county sheriffs, may have a non-emergency number or desk hours you can contact. You can describe your situation and your fears, and ask what they recommend in your case.

If you aren't comfortable talking to the police or sheriff, you can try a local, regional, or national DV hotline. They will likely have real-world suggestions for tangible steps you can take to protect yourself, no matter what happens.

If you work outside the home, it can bring peace of mind to talk with your coworkers/supervisors/team ahead of time. You don't have to go into a lot of detail -- just share that you may have some personal safety concerns next month from a former relationship, that hopefully it'll be nothing, but just in case, you want them to know. You can ask if there are adjustments or accommodations they could make to your schedule, tasks, location, etc, that could improve your safety while enabling you to continue performing your tasks.

Getting informed and educated about options can bring relief.

Anything sound do-able?

And can you remind me if you have blocked his phone number?

Thank you so much, Kells76.

I have blocked his number. I will certainly tell my colleagues/boss about what is presently happening. I told them when I had to remove him from my home while he was at work. My boss is kindof a papa bear about it and he gets all worked up when men mess with me... so luckily he is an advocate.

Yesterday in counseling my therapist was talking to me about zones of control... and he wants me to be prepared but not get anxiety over what I cannot control.

He is blocked. His family is blocked. He cannot even email me. He can still reach out to friends, but hopefully, they will not engage, or they will follow the boundary I have requested (do not talk about me whatsoever).

It is such a hard place to be in. I love him, and he loves me. The love is real... but so is his BPD... and this is new territory for both of us. He has never enmeshed with someone or had a "favorite person" that he's "split" with or had rage blackouts with... he's kept all previous love interests at arms-length (likely due to his reluctance to enmesh), so this is new to both of us and it's so hard to predict. He's already done several things he has never done before and couldn't imagine doing. He's put his hands on me, he's lost his effing mind at me, he's threatened me, he's threatened to use law enforcement to get his way, he's reached out to my friends to get to me indirectly... he gets moments of clarity and realizes what he's done and feels horrible and tells me he understands and has reflected and will leave me alone to heal because he can see what he's put me through... then he decides he is moving back and starts reaching out to anyone who can contact me, complete boundary busting.

It's hard to know what will happen, but I can promise, if he DOES come to town and doesn't have a therapeutic breakthrough between now and then that keeps him away... he WILL come to my home to demand my attention and whatever item or speck of dust he left behind in May (as an illigitmiate reason he's engaged in self-deception to accept). Even when he got all of his things in May, which I had to put outside while he was at work because he refuse to leave, he kept threatening to sue me or call the cops to force me to let him in the house to "comb through it." Because he knew that I put everything outside, but he wanted the last word and control. Didn't happen. I called his bluff. I said "please bring the police, I will feel safer. In fact, I will only let you come back onto the property if you are with a police officer so they can arrest you if you have another rage blackout." It is possible that this happens again.

He has also listed my house as his primary residence... which anyone can do to any residence...

I feel bad because I know he feels like he is drowning... and he lost the love of his life... and he is desperate to get that back and fix this... but he is only making it worse. I am also afraid that I am not strong enough to fight off his advances, so anything I can do to keep him out of my field of vision is best.

I will have to file the no-trespass order. I have no idea how I will serve it to him. I know where he is going to work and I can try to snail mail it there... but I hate involving work in any way... but I will not know where he lives.  I have cameras all around my house. I can prove if he's stopped by. If he doesn't honor that then I will have to call the police. I am not going out on the town without the buddy system.

It feels so wrong to have to do all of this just because a person really really really loves you and can't let you go... but at the same time... they are unpredictable and have rage... and they don't even know what they are capable of. This is the wild west.