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:hi:  I found this forum and have already read some useful things, but I need advice on how not to go back to my ex-boyfriend.
   
I started this relationship a year ago. At first, everything was wonderful, and I thought I had finally found the person with whom I would have a stable relationship (my first and only relationship until then lasted 2 years, with a partner who cheated on me and physically abused me). He is 7 years older than me, runs a business, is very attractive, and seemed to have his life together. When we met, he was married and had a child, but he told me he had been separated for a while and was about to divorce because his wife was "crazy," toxic, abusive, cheated on him, etc. We got closer because he seemed sincere in his intentions towards me. A week after we started dating, he told me his wife had given birth to a baby girl, which I didn't know when we met. I still stayed with him because he said leaving was the best decision for his children. I saw signs from the start: he was always drunk, almost every night, drinking until morning, had financial problems, but kept saying he would overcome them, that he missed his children, and that he had money issues. So I stayed, wanting to support him, and believed he would become the man he always claimed to have been before all the problems began. He bombarded me with love in a very intense way; I had never met someone like him before (at the time, I didn't know about "love bombing" and what would follow).

After 5 months of dating, he insisted we move in together because it was very hard for him to live alone. So we did, we rented an apartment together, and that's when the nightmare began. In December, I had to stay at the office for a few days because I had some projects with tight deadlines (he knew since we met that sometimes I would need to spend a few days working 2-3 hours extra each day to complete all the projects), even though I kept messaging him about how much longer I would be and answered his calls. I work in an office with two colleagues, one married, and the other married to our boss. During this period, one night, we started drinking in the evening, and he began accusing me of cheating on him. We argued, and at some point, I went to bed, and he stayed up drinking alone. It was the only time he got so drunk, he came into the bedroom and said he wanted to kill me, hit me very hard on the head, and I hit the bed frame, breaking both my phone and his, so I couldn't call anyone, he left drunk in the car and, when he returned, didn't stop. For hours, he tried to suffocate me (I'm 1.5 m tall, he's 1.85 m). In the morning, I left the apartment while he was still passed out and went to the emergency room for a head scan; my face was covered in bruises that I hid really well with makeup so nobody from the hospital would notice... He left town that day because he was afraid I would report him. I didn't, instead I accepted his apologies and explanations that he had never done anything like that before and that it was my fault for his reaction. That morning he was supposed to go and sign the divorce papers, so I thought maybe that affected him and that's why he acted that way, being drunk, comparing me to his ex-wife who cheated on him, even though he had also cheated on her for 2 years before we met. However, I didn't ask him more about this, because I saw him as extraordinary.

Since then, he continued to accuse me of infidelity, even though I was always home after work, and he was the one who, for almost 2 months, completely ignored me, leaving in the morning, not answering messages or calls all day, and returning home after midnight. I endured for 2 months, tried to talk to him, but he would get very angry, saying I didn't understand someone as busy as him. One morning, I packed my bags and went back to my parents; he didn't even get out of bed while I was carrying my things to the car, crying. After a few days of not speaking, he came to my window at night, drunk and crying, and I missed many days of work to be with him the next day, only for him to ignore me again. We reconciled, and I returned to the apartment. After a week, it started again; for an entire week, he was gone from dawn until 2-3 in the morning. Then, I broke down, started crying when he returned at 3 am, after promising he wouldn't do it again. He felt very attacked and said he should have stayed with his ex-wife, that she was a real woman and not crazy like me (they were together for 10 years, and it's a small town and some people that knew me told me he’s def. NOT FOR ME,  he did the same thing with her, was always drunk, and didn't come home at night, always fighting). So, I went back to my parents again and didn't contact him, I blocked him everywhere. After about 2 weeks, he came to my work and waited by my car. He started crying, saying I was the love of his life, an angel meant to save him, that now he knows I didn't cheat on him and that he loves me and wants to make the relationship work because we have something special. During this time, I didn't move back in because he told me it was better if we lived separately, and he also told me he reconsidered reconciling with his wife while we were apart and that he was wearing his wedding ring again. That crushed me again, but we continued to see each other without telling people we were back together. A few months passed, and he told me I should move back in, but this time I didn't.

The last month was very good, he called me all the time, we met after work every day, spent weekends together, but I think he did all this because I helped him with his thesis and cosigned for a loan he desperately needed...

Two weeks ago, we returned from the seaside, everything was great, I was the love of his life, and he wanted to spend his life with me. Then it started again: he broke up with me, accused me of cheating because I went to visit my mom one day after work, even though he knew and I sent him pictures to prove it. That "triggered" him again, I don't know exactly. Since then, and it’s already been 2 weeks, he keeps accusing me of cheating, called me very ugly names, said I was a whore, crazy, that everything is my fault, that he’s in this state because of me, that our whole relationship was a lie, and that he will forget about the biggest mistake of his life, me. Since then, he drove drunk very fast on my street one night, called me drunk at 5-6 in the morning, initially saying he missed me, then insulting me because he still hasn't stopped drinking from night until morning when he's already unconscious of what he's doing and saying. Anyway, I blocked him everywhere again, but I need help not to go back to him when he comes again. I need to stop this cycle and can't talk to my parents, they don't even know 1% of what happened, just that we didn't get along.

I feel guilty too, sometimes I yelled back after trying very hard to listen to everything, but there were many more moments when he accused me of infidelity. I never understood why. I'm not active on social media, I don't go out, I'm always home after work, I always gave him my phone when he asked because I never had anything to hide, he was the only one I wanted from the start. Even after everything that happened, I always hoped he would stop, always hoping he would see the reality, where I was always there for him, financially, emotionally, in any way I could. There’s nobody I want more than him, but this time, I don’t want to go back again, only for this to start again in 1, 2 months, after I barely recover each time and have to put my parents also to suffering from seeing me so destroyed.

Oh my goodness... he tried to kill you. Literally. I can't even... He tried to kill you.  I don't know the intimate details of the situation, but you are not safe. You could be one rage blackout away from another attempt, even if he hasn't been physically violent since... he's shown you what he is capable of. All the other toxic stuff that you have experienced is likely clouding your judgment.

I know how it feels... not your situation specifically... but the two sides of our minds that seem to be in opposition: the logical one... you know, the one you would use if you were giving advice to a friend in your situation... and the one run by emotion that is more primal... which is reflecting psychological needs... that is not logical... and is also "plastic" and has been remolded with a hole he created that only he can fill... well... not only him... YOU can fill it with time and space. It's just going to hurt for a while... but nothing as painful as continuing to go through this and potentially lose your life. This emotional side of your mind will engage in self-deception the same way an addict negotiates their next fix... even after they have hit rock bottom more than once and seen the various ways it has deteriorated who they are and the relationships they are able to have with others...

I have only been out of my BPD relationship for about a month now. It was a "situationship" for about 2 months before that. Going no contact 4 weeks ago was the best decision I ever made. Blocking him was an even better choice.... because even though I was NC, he still contacted me (and my friends... and is still contacting my friends... now I fear he will stalk me since he is moving to my town). Since blocking him, I have actually achieved a higher level of peace... and it's only been 4 days.

Don't get me wrong... blocking him was REALLY HARD TO DO. You may see from some of my other posts that I knew I had to... but lacked the strength... until he messed with my friends/family... then mama bear came out and the gloves came off.

You can still love this man... but you need to let go of the fantasy. It is a fantasy. Journal... write down everything vile that has happened... when you feel like reaching out, read it. Do not journal about missing him or pining over him unless it's here, in this space, where people who understand can help you lick your wounds and help encourage you to follow your internal compass... that led you here.

Also, the more we say things to ourselves and out loud such as "I love him," "I miss him," or any of those things that are... well... true... we are actually strengthening the connections in the brain that are holding us hostage. It's like that part of your brain has Stockholm syndrome... and it's siding with the captor. You can love him... but the self-talk about missing him or loving him will actually psychologically make your pain taper-off slower. You don't have to paint him black, but be real when you feel a "weak moment." Go back to your notes/journal entries of pain. Ask yourself what you would tell a friend if this was their reality... If they were in love with a man who tried to kill them and committed to suffocating them for hours. I don't know how long rage blackouts last... but the fact that he was doing this for such a prolonged amount of time is extremely troubling. My father has antisocial personality disorder and he tried to strangle my mother... it was seconds and he stopped. I couldn't imagine that... but I also can't imagine that a psychological "break" where a person puts their hands on you in rage lasts HOURS... and blamed you... you attempted to murder yourself? Interesting...

You are not safe.

Agreed, you are not safe. You can reach out to an abuse hotline or survivors group for help with a safety plan. 

You can also call/visit the police and file a police report to document what has been happening. Writing down what's been happening can help if you need legal protections at some point.

Psychologically, it's hard to do, but I found it helpful to step back and look at the rollercoaster.  The highs are good but the lows keep coming. The highs don't mean everything is okay. The problem is inside him, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. He can with an extraordinary amount of effort.

The books Splitting and Stop Walking on Eggshells / the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook have been very helpful to me in separating from my ex husband.

Hello, and thank you for your insights, HealthTeacher. I never took it THAT SERIOUSLY because, even though he wasn’t rational when he did it, to me, things like that didn’t feel real. We come from good education, I have a good job, and he has a fairly successful business. We have a decent lifestyle, so that’s probably why I never took it as seriously as I should have. I foolishly thought that things like that only happen to people from a less educated or financially stable background. Since then, I can say I’ve been left with a lingering fear. Every time he would get angry and left the apartment, only to come back late at night, really drunk again, I would myself in the bedroom, hoping that if he tries to break down the door, the neighbors would hear and call the police, although this was only a few times that happened. Other than that, I’ve never fully given in to the fear of him, because, in my mind, it still doesn’t feel like something that could truly happen to us.

I still think that him saying I was always cheating was a projection or something, because when I moved from there and we had no contact, I found so many long, black hairs in the apartment when I went back (I am blonde) and he always said he doesn’t know where they are from, that he was always alone and sad..that I am crazy etc.. but the hairs where everywhere.. living room, bedroom, bathroom.. I though maybe I was really crazy at that moment, he couldn’t do that to me… Then after not giving up, said some of his friends went to the apartment with their girlfriends that had black hair.. I still think that the cheating part comes because he did it, and was always afraid I did the same. Anyways, I moved on and stopped because I really wanted a future with him.
I’m sorry to hear what happened to you, and about him contacting your friends. I just hope your friends don’t give in to his manipulation. And messing with your family—it’s such a hard situation. I hope you find the strength it takes to deal with this. It can be so confusing sometimes. And yes, it lasted for hours, but probably if I hadn’t fought so hard for him to take his hands off my mouth and nose, a few seconds more could have been the end. He probably wouldn’t have even known what he was doing in the state he was in. Some things seem to never leave us, even though we try hard not to think about them.
I used to record how I felt every time this started again, and I think I’ll start that again. It was really a relief to do so because there are many things I’ve never discussed. I always knew I would fall back into this cycle and didn’t want to make him seem like a bad person because there is also so much kindness in him—just a lot to process.

Thank you again. It’s such a relief to share some of the past years without someone calling me stupid for not leaving when I was clearly suffering.

ParentingThruIt, thank you too for your answer. That happened in late December, and I even back then, I didn’t want to put him in a position where he might lose custody of his children or anything else that might affect his career.. Still, to me, that’s not the worst thing, because it was a once time thing, while the lies and blaming happened constantly.. Indeed, the highs never last, and then the bad times are worse than before, every time..
 
Appreciate your books suggestion, I’ve listened to some self-help book in the past months, even while still in the relationship, and read these titles being suggested here in other forums, I’ll definitely look for them!

I think as good, caring people, we imagine that if we can identify a reason for someone's abusive behavior then we can help stop it. But we can't. The fact that someone who uses abuse in a relationship isn't a monster does not mean we have to stay with them.

Good for you for sharing this all here LauraGlittering. It's a really big step, and took courage and strength to do.
You'll find people here that understand these situations and can be a listening ear.

I would suggest you call a domestic violence hot line. I have done so myself, and it was very nice. The people
on my call were thoughtful and kind. Just like people here. What you describe is classic domestic violence and abuse, and
very severe as well. All the mind games, the push pull, the cycling, the remorse, the drinking, the acting out violently again, the blaming.....

You are not the first person, by a long shot, to be in the position LauraGlittering. It's confusing, it's hurtful, we tend to take
the blame for our partners behavior...very often because they tell us it's our fault. We hope that if we try to be 'good' a little
more then our partner will see we are really lovable and don't mean to cause problems.

You are really in a dangerous position if you are with him, what with him SAYING he wanted to kill you, DOING something that you know might
have killed you, and he is still drinking heavily. He should be in jail for what he did, and would be if the police knew.

We get the heart connection to someone that treats us really poorly, almost all of us have been in the situation.

I can tell just from your couple posts that you are a caring person that cares about others feelings, you've shown that here already.
Time to take care of yourself.