BPDFamily.com

I have been scapegoated by my large disordered family since birth. My narcissistic sister with diagnosable NPD no longer spends much time in the town I spend my summer vacation in. It used to be when I came to town that I was victimized by many flying monkeys who looked down upon me and told me how they supported my sister when they had had zero contact with me since my last visit, knew nothing about my side of the story. Now that my sister is barely around and I am the main family contact, all of sudden I am starting to be well liked by a lot of  people who previously were my sister's flying monkeys and overall I am getting treated much better. I have been building better relationships with many people while mostly not bothering with people who are as narcissistic as my sister. I am also well aware that certain family members will always choose to support the toxic family dynamics because to face the truth would mean taking a hard look at how they have supported the toxic scapegoat/golden child dynamics for several generations. I have also made it clear to several people how badly I have been treated by my sister and people are starting to believe me. In the past, I never badmouthed my sister, yet I have found it necessary to briefly let certain key people know why I am permanently no contact with her. People are getting to know me and I am not the person my sister has portrayed in smearing me to anyone who will listen. What are your thoughts and stories?

Interesting topic.  A few months ago I had a conversation with my kid where she lashed out at me over something her BPD mom said. It was completely out of context, untrue, and at first really made me mad since it was driving a wedge between me and my kid.  Her words were, "I've made up my mind and there's nothing you can say that would make me believe differently."

Within seconds though, I realized that the only way that I could defend myself would be to tell the truth...which would make my ex wife look really, really bad.  And I chose not to do that because there's simply no point, it would only continue to create drama and that wasn't my life anymore.  So I simply replied, "What you said is not accurate and someday you'll learn that on your own."

Well, a few days ago the topic came up again.  But this time, my kid asked for my side of the story for why I did what I did.  So I told her...only a little at first, but then enough to have a conversation over it.  My kid was calm and accepting, and it felt great to finally move past that.  She had to get to the right conclusion on her own though.

From the Bible, there's a passage that says the truth will always come to light.  I interpret that to mean we don't have to fight flying monkeys or even give into all that drama, we can just go about our day and eventually our actions will speak much louder than words.

I have found myself in similar situations where only one of us could be speaking the truth. If BPD mother says something untrue about me, to defend myself would then put the person in the position of deciding which one of us was correct. If BPD mother has already influenced their perspective of me- for me to correct the situation also plays into that perspective- I'm seen as badmouthing my mother. This isn't seen as acceptable. Someone who speaks negatively about their mother is perceived as being disrespectful.

My mother told her extended family untrue things about me. I felt that If I tried to defend myself - they would be in a position to choose who to believe- and they already believed her. So I stopped making contact. I didn't go NC because I would run into them at times. I just stayed cordial and distant.

It was after they experienced my mother's behavior that they contacted me and also told me they knew what was true. I think they had to see it for themselves though.

My BPD mother met a new nurse the other day and I heard she said some untrue things about me. I realized a part of her motive is to discredit me. This way if I were to say anything about her, the person wouldn't believe me. This way, she controls the narrative and what the nurse hears. It's also Karpman triangle dynamics- enlisting the nurse to "her side" as rescuer and she appears to not be responsible for her behavior or choices.

I think my father was probably in a similar dilemma as Pook- because at a certain age, it became obvious that something was going on with BPD mother and I did ask him. He stood by her- but this also created a strange "emperor has no clothes" situation with people in the family pretending that whatever I asked about didn't happen or somehow was "normal". Confirmation of my perspective happened later- when BPD mother engaged in drama with her caregivers.

On one hand, it did feel validating to hear it and feel supported- and yet, some sadness at the confusion and misunderstandings, and strained family relationships that could have been avoided if this could have been discussed openly.