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We are separated and he is convinced I am narcissistic, abusive and toxic. We communicate a little about the kids but contact is limited.

Here are things I wish I could say to him, that he would hear and understand. I would guess we all have our own lists. I am hoping I can get some of this off my chest hear because I can't say it to him right now.

- I want to trust you, but I can't, because of your past behavior (recent and long term).
- In order to trust you again, I would need to see that you can acknowledge what has been done and the impact. I also need a plan in case you get into a state again where it's hard to perceive and control your actions and understand their impact. When you are in that place, you don't trust me. It doesn't leave me much choice.
- I don't think you are bad or evil or have negative intent. But you have still done a lot of damage.
- I want you to be happy.
- I need to look out for the safety of myself and the kids. Not just physical safety. Emotional safety, too.
- I believe we both tried.
- I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I am not trying to hurt you on purpose. I am not sure what else I can do.
- I want the kids to keep as much relationship as they can with you, safely. That includes making sure they get health care and mental health care and social experiences and to try new things (some things that make you uncomfortable and you tend to avoid or oppose).
- I tried to figure out how to help, but I could never figure it out.

I think that list echoes with all of us, especially the first two points since that's where all the chaos comes from- how do you trust someone who can't accept some of the fault/blame for what happened?  They see a completely different narrative because their decisions were emotional-based due to their own insecurities.

There are some things there that you can and should say though- I want you to be happy, I'm sorry you're hurting, I want you to be in the kids lives.  Could you make those statements without adding a "but" at the end though? 

Adding blame and placing responsibility on him to change is the whole crux here...he can't because he doesn't know how...or he doesn't want it bad enough yet.  That's for him to figure out in his own time though, that's the point of the separation in the first place.  It's encouraging to say, "I want you to be an active parent."  It's discouraging to say, "I want you to be an active parent, but you have to do x, y, and z to prove it to me."

Again, he can't prove anything because he's clearly not there yet.  But you can still say, "I'd love for you to be more involved with the kids when you're ready" as an encouragement for him to get to where he needs to be.  Make sense?

Thanks so much for your reflections.  That's a helpful frame. I guess the challenge is, I've had to set boundaries because of his inability to acknowledge what's going on. I had him removed from the house to initiate the separation. I hoped he would take better care of his mental health / substance use and he has somewhat but he still can't acknowledge what happened, hasn't done a program, and doesn't seem to have any additional supports in place if things get bad again. He continues to blame me. He's not making good financial decisions and is hoping for my continued financial support to make up the difference.

Because I am stuck putting the boundaries up, because he can't, it leaves me with a lot of "buts."

But you're right that I can wish for his health and happiness without buts.

The issue with all these things you listed above is:

Expressing those thoughts will give him a tiny ray of hope that you can still put up with the relationship. The kind of hope that’s needed for you and the children is to be able to coparent in peace most of the time. A fair playing ground where there is mutual respect and the kids needs are being met.

Unfortunately the pwbpd considers only their own needs and the breakdown of the relationship often feels like you abandoned a helpless child.

Thanks Tangled. We’ll put.

I don’t think I’ll get to say these things to him for these reasons. But it helps to get them out.

As you said so much of what we experience is one sided, it’s nice to even be able to articulate how I feel even if it can’t be received safely.

And yes you nailed it, it feels like abandoning a helpless child.