BPDFamily.com

Hello! I am new to this kind of thing. But I need the support because I want to try to have a fulfilling relationship with my husband and find some hope. My husband struggles with anxiety, depression, low self worth, and dysregulation. He is seeing a trauma therapist for CPTSD from childhood. But after reading 2 books and watching multiple podcasts on BPD, I am convinced this is what he has. I don't know how this all works....
Stephanie

Hello  :hi: and welcome to the group! You found a good place to get support for when you suspect a loved one, partner, or family member may have BPD. A lot of the approaches for having a more effective relationship can seen counterintuitive, so this is a great place to practice and improve with others in the same boat.

What's weirdly nice about most of the tools and skills is that even if your husband doesn't have BPD, they won't make things worse. Improving our empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0), emotional validation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0), and personal boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0), for example, can improve any relationship we're in, even if the person doesn't have BPD. So, it's finally a win-win situation for you  |iiii

How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have any kids together?

And what would you say is the top challenge in your relationship right now?

Fill us in whenever works for you;

kells76

Aww thanks for the reply and warm welcome.  :hug:  I just so need to be with others who get it!! I've looked at lots of the information on this site and it looks very helpful and makes a lot of sense. I'm so needing some skills. We've been in couples therapy and bc I didn't discover it was BPD until recently,  typical therapy strategies don't really work.
We've been married 1 1/2 years. This is second marriage for both. He's originally from Canada. He moved here after a time of dating long distance, and then we got married. He has 2 grown children in Canada. I have 3 grown children out of the house.
My biggest struggle is the dysregulation and the hurtful (untrue) things he says to me that are out of nowhere...or at the smallest of things. The not being in reality! Then he goes into withdrawal which is also hurtful. Then when he's better, trying to attempt to talk about what happened never goes well bc he blames me for the smallest thing I did and won't look at his destructive over reaction. It's so hard for me to live in this roller coaster. I know not to take things personal and I know the truth about myself. Fortunately, I have a strong sense of self and good self esteem, but it's still hurtful when your husband talks like that to you.  But after watching the video on validation, I can see how I've made it worse...which is hard for me to even say because I'm a very kind, gentle, and sensitive person and  if I was talking to a normal person, it would never escalate. sigh... so hard.....  :(

Thanks again so much!! :)

Good to hear that the info is helping. So much is counter-intuitive, like you mentioned: you try to be a gentle and caring person, so how is it all going so wrong?


What's a typical example of how a dysregulation goes?  Is it in person, over text, via phone, email? Is there sort of a "standard list" of grievances (often, a partner with BPD may latch on to a few themes, like "you're a cheater", or "you never support me", etc), or can the content vary? How long does it usually last, and how long do you participate for?

These are not easy relationships by any means. People choose to stay for lots of reasons, and we respect that. Moving past "white-knuckle" staying, and making the relationship as livable for yourself as possible -- in whatever ways are 100% under your control -- can be the next step.

Working through different responses to his dysregulation roller coaster might be part of that next step, hopefully.