BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I think confusion probably goes hand in hand with having a loved one with BPD.

I have really have been working on my side of the street. No JADING. Allowing his the space to have his feelings. Taking care of myself by not allowing his moods to derail my days.

The other night I asked him if he wanted to watch a show I DVR’d. It was in a topic of his interest that I thought looked cool and wanted to learn more. I asked twice knowing he was down. He said he’d be up in a bit. Ok, no problem. Even blew him a kiss! Anyhoo, he never came up to bed. Just sat alone drinking. (That behavior leaves me very sad) By the time he came up, I was asleep. I figured, if he wanted to hang out, he would. Don’t go down asking questions and possibly making it worse.

The next day he claimed there was distance. Huh??? Does the person with BPD need to get used to our changes in behavior? Does he feel anxious because I didn’t engage?? What a rollercoaster!!

Did he say more, or was it basically "There was distance last night"?

How did you respond?

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It is possible that new approaches from us can shake things up. Big reactions to new approaches are common and are sometimes termed extinction bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0). Even though he wasn't yelling, or fighting, or physical, or arguing, I wonder if any of that would apply?

Thank you Kells76 for your reply.

It was more of a generalized comment. I felt a little like we might be heading down the guilt trip path so I just didn’t get on with him. I just assured him that I want to be close with him. I’m also trying to honor the mood he was in. Not fix it, try to make it go away. Accept it.

Is there distance, sure! We had that whole incident at the hotel earlier this month. Which he has at times self victimized, I’m a bad person, I don’t know why you’re with me, etc. Again, this can at times feel manipulative to me. So I don’t pick it up.

I think having a neutral response is upsetting the Apple cart a bit. But it’s truly coming from detaching with love. Moods are contagious if one doesn’t make conscientious choices.

I feel though that an episode could be brewing. It’s getting to be time in the cycle I’ve noticed and he is under a lot of work stress.

So why do you feel an episode could be brewing? Perhaps explore that a bit more for us here if you feel comfortable doing so?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I think I feel an episode brewing based on historically how long they are apart. How much or little sleep he’s getting. How much exterior stressors are happening, most notable work stress.The personal insult jabs start, ie. If he’s feeling overwhelmed I’m told I don’t understand his pressures, he feels alone in them and either I’m cavalier or not intelligent enough to understand. Neither of which are accurate.