BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have been reading posts for a while, this is my first one. I am in the processes of divorcing and it is long, drawn out and nasty. I can't see the end. I am going over and over my relationship and understanding that it was abusive, it is hard to hold on to this and I'm looking to understand if it is worth reframing everything or if I am better trying to just move on. It is hard to move one because I am still stuck in the midst of it and still being gaslit. I think I've been controlled but I don't have any conviction. How do I get to a point of understanding.

Hello and welcome.

It took me a really long time to get to where you are now:  Asking questions, exploring options, seeking conviction and certainty...

It took a while because, in retrospect, I was avoidant (which may partially account for why I ignored many, many red flags and tolerated escalating accusations and, truly, abuse), and I was also inflexible - my mind was made up that divorce = bad, and that I would honor my vows no matter what.  I didn't even consider divorce.

The thing that made a huge difference for me was wrapping my head around the idea of radical acceptance.  I initially thought this concept applied to how I felt about my partner.  The gold at the end of the rainbow was coming to understand that it truly applied to how I felt about myself.

In my case, the breakthrough led to feeling like divorce was a gift that I had not truly considered.  A fresh start.  A second chance at life. 

I share kids with my uBPDxw, and the conflict continues - but in most ways my life has improved dramatically as a result of divorce.  I've reconnected with friends (who have been exceedingly candid about how they felt about my ex...), reconnected with family, started a new job, and spent more time healing, learning, and growing in the past 3 years than in the prior two decades.  Even started dating a bit, which has been eye opening and often very enjoyable. 

It's still rough at times, but I'm glad I'm not where I was. 

I continue to receive messages from ex full of resentment - she's still stuck in the past.  We cannot really go no contact because we've got three kids that split time between our homes. This community was an incredible resource for me when I was going through the worst of it, and continues to be helpful as I attempt to practice the lessons to reduce drama and conflict and be the best parent I can be.

If you don't have kids, your divorce probably doesn't need to go on forever.  If custody isn't a factor, it's mostly a financial situation and you can decide whether it's worth continuing to litigate or not. My advice is:  Your atty is not a therapist, and litigation is not about who is right.  Unless custody is part of part of your situation, divorce is about the division of assets.

As for the rumination - this comes back to acceptance.  Acceptance of your stbx, acceptance of yourself, acceptance of divorce, and acceptance of what may be in your future.  As you explore these things, rumination tends to fade away.

Instead of making that dish that reminds of your stbx, try a new recipe.  Before you know it, you'll be enjoying a lot of things that you'll wish you had tried sooner.  And you might just let go of some other things along the way. 

Hope this is helpful in some way.

Thank you for the reply, that is helpful.

I'm so sorry. I'm in the process of divorce too and it's really emotional, time consuming and stressful. It feels like a marathon.  I have kids so I'm trying to figure out custody.

I wonder if there are ways you can protect yourself from the nastier communication.  I felt some relief having him out of the house even though other parts were really hard (logistics w/ childcare and getting supports in place for the kids, and grieving, and like you said replaying the relationship and being gaslit by him a lot).  Not having the emotional responses and gaslighting every day, and being able to make decisions I knew were healthy for the kids, was empowering and a relief.

This part really does suck and life after it's done wont be as stressful. There will still be grieving though.  For me it was really bad in the first 3 months, and then after that it would hit in waves. I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Like EyesUp said reach out to people who can support you. I have spent a lot of hours on the phone with a few people I trust who tolerate listening to me struggling with the same feelings and thoughts as I try to put the pieces together. Do things that feel good, maybe that you have foregone because you were dealing with this extremely difficult situation.  For divorce it helps me to have a list of my goals and non-negotiables so I know what I'm driving towards (but it's still hard that there's a lot beyond my control).