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I could get a call at anytime from my son (36) after weeks of silence and he will ask ‘how are you mum?’ I can try to avoid triggering him and say ‘Fine thanks’ or say the truth, knowing full well it will lead to dysregulation. So instead I'm frozen into silence. I pride myself in being a communicator and yet I feel totally deskilled in how to talk to my son. It sounds like he’s interested to know how I am but he never truly is and it’s soon about him and there is no room for my opinion, feelings, response or any kind. Sometimes I can just listen and at the end of the call, he’ll just say ‘thank you for listening, bye’. Other times, like in recent weeks, I can’t stay silent when he’s made some catastrophic decision and I’m just watching a car crash in slow motion. I’m trying to train myself to not get involved as he’s clearly shown he doesn’t want my help. I still don’t know how to answer the phone if he calls.

Hi yougenie
Thanks for posting. Your post contains so many things that express the challenge of how we can relate to an adult child with BPD such as:
The way they move past something and expect you to have moved on too
It always comes back to their own needs
The way they can become totally focused on an idea – that is clearly catastrophic – yet trying to help them see the obvious consequences just ends in a blow up

It’s such a dilemma. It feels so wrong to just say ‘Fine’ when you want to have a real communication about how you feel. Yet you know that a truthful response will quickly move towards intense emotions. It feels like we are cornered.

You mention that DS has ‘clearly shown he doesn’t want my help’. Yet he does seem to appreciate that you are his ‘sounding board’ – even when you are not responding. Talking it out must clarify things for him in some way.

I have just come in from a challenging day with DD. She had an appointment and is always anxious when these things happen – and of course the anxiety triggered lots of blame coming at me – for many hours. At one point I thought we would not make it to the appointment.
Over the years I have learnt to stay calm and mostly silent. DD can’t cope with any suggestions/responses because she is not really in a rational place. I reframe my role as a sort of ‘therapist’ who just listens, makes an occasional comment but is just ‘there’ for DD to work through her emotional rollercoaster. This is what works for me. She got through the appointment and this was a great achievement for her.
I think saying ‘fine’ is good when you are at the point where you can reframe the relationship to accept the reality of the relationship with a BPD adult child ie that we are relating to a person with a complex mental health issue and ‘thanks for listening’ is indeed an enormous complement.