BPDFamily.com

My stepdaughter suffers from BPD. Going through some of these posts helps me to feel a little less alone, seeing that others have dealt or are dealing with suicide attempts, a roulette wheel of emotions; each story here is unique and sadly very similar. We care, we love, and most of the time, we don't know what to do. 

In my own story, my stepdaughter had just turned 20 two days ago. On her birthday, she self-harmed and expressed suicidal thoughts and thoughts of harming others.

My marriage is somewhat new, having known my wife for six years and being married for three. In that time, my step-daughter's symptoms have either revealed themselves or occurred layer by layer.  First, she expressed gender dysmorphia, then anorexia, then attempting to live on campus and engaging in risky behaviors. During each step, we've gotten her the next help we could think of.

My challenge is balancing care for her, maintaining my marriage, my relationship with my biological children, and self-preservation.

Sometimes, I feel like running, sometimes fighting. Sometimes, I feel all will fall into place, and other times, I feel hopeless—like there is no end to this.

My goal is to connect with others facing this difficulty and, at the very least, feel not as alone and isolated.

Hi Step Dad,

Greetings from a stepmom in a similar situation.  I too dated my future spouse for years before marriage.  In fact, we delayed marriage until all his children graduated from high school, to minimize possible disruption to their lives.  Little did I know, my life was to be terribly disrupted by BPD.

My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD in her early 20s, and I feel she suffers from the "petulant" subtype.  She, perhaps unsurprisingly, thought that everyone else was responsible for all her bad choices, not her.  She perpetually painted herself as a victim of abuse.  At first I thought she was telling the truth--that she was abused/bullied/assaulted/raped while away at college--driving her to attempt suicide.  But then she told stories of abuse in other areas of life--insinuating that her dad molested her, that she was assaulted by siblings, etc.--stories which were patently false.  Maybe there was an element of truth to the story (an argument, for example), but she twisted and manipulated facts to paint herself as a victim, while at the same time omitting her role in the situation, and spewing hatred in the process.  Over time she learned to keep facts hazy, to make her stories sound more plausible, and to keep us guessing.  Eventually, I stopped believing the facts of her stories.  Instead, I listened for her feelings, and took it as a sign that she was dysregulated.  Invariably, something else was going on in her life that she was disappointed by, or trying to avoid.  For example, a story of abuse by co-workers really meant that she quit her job on day two, and she was hiding that fact from us for months, just pretending to be employed.  Ditto pretending to go to school.

Perhaps what most bothers me about BPD is the victim attitude.  I'm a doer, and so is my husband, so maybe that's why that attitude seems insidious.  Anyway, a victim believes herself helpless, and not responsible for herself and what happens to her, and therefore incapable of carving out a life for herself.  Perhaps this is why she can be so resistant to treatment, and why treatment can be ineffective at first.  She's convinced everyone else needs to change, not her.  There's another side to BPD that also bothers me--the pervasive negativity.  My stepdaughter saw black in everything.  She was so negative, she wouldn't look forward; she was stuck in a miserable rut, re-hashing the purported "abuses" of childhood.

The stepchild dynamic had some pros and cons.  Since I wasn't her mom and didn't raise her, I didn't feel as much guilt for her situation, as typically plagues parents on these boards.  Maybe I'm more "analytical" because of that, and I perhaps see more easily through all the lies and manipulation.  Additionally, there's probably less "baggage" between me and my stepdaughter, and I've been able to step in and provide needed guidance at times, even though there have been very few opportunities to do that.  Since there's less "baggage," I'm not typically the object of her hate and venom.  But that's probably where the "pros" end.  A huge problem, in my opinion, was the fact that my stepdaughter had two households to escape to--her mom's place and ours.  That "enabled" a lot of issue avoidance, perhaps extending the time that my stepdaughter went without treatment.  And, perversely, whenever she didn't get what she wanted in our household, she'd "punish" us by running to her mom's place, and cut her dad off.  Secretly, though, I was happy to see her go most of the time, because living with her was not fun at all.  But it wasn't fun to see my husband so distraught, either.

My stepdaughter's suicide attempts and general dysfunction obviously took a toll on my husband.  My relationship with him was very strained, basically from the moment we wed.  He was under so much stress, emotionally and financially, and he basically took it out on me.  Financially it was very painful, because treatments for my stepdaughter are very expensive, and nothing seemed to work at first.  Additionally, there were tens of thousands of dollars of lost tuition and broken leases.  My husband would have a short fuse and be exceedingly demanding with me.  It got to the point that if I BREATHED too loudly, he would snap at me.  If I answered a phone call, he was mad because I wasn't serving him or his daughter.  I literally wasn't allowed to see friends, or even talk to family.  I certainly wasn't allowed to talk about my job (even to say I had a trip or meeting coming up), lest that "stress him out" further.  If I had work travel or an evening event I had to attend, he'd explode.  We skipped three major vacations so that we could remain home to "babysit" my stepdaughter, because he felt he couldn't leave her.  He was truly traumatized by what was happening to his daughter.  I figured, he couldn't control his daughter, so what he tried to do was control me.  It was not fun at all.  He wouldn't consider counselling, and knowing his personality, I don't think counseling would work, anyway.  So I took it.  Maybe I'm strong, or maybe I'm stupid, I don't know.

The worse things got, the more I focused on three elements of self-care:  eating right, exercising and getting some sleep.  When I was young, my principal exercise was jogging.  As I got older, that morphed into hiking and walking.  "Eating right" meant making the vast majority of meals at home out of fresh, minimally processed foods.  And sleeping was probably hardest, but by my thinking, if I eat right and exercise, sleep will come eventually.  I don't freak out too much if I have insomnia.  That's just a sign to me that I need to exercise more, so I prioritize that.  So I guess what I'm saying is that walking saved me.  And my husband didn't put up too much of a fuss if I exercised first thing in the morning.

The upshot is that my stepdaughter is in a much better place right now.  She had to hit bottom--a fourth serious suicide attempt, and losing all her friends--before deciding to take therapy seriously.  If you want, you can check out some of my posts to get more details on the recovery process.  I think BPD can be treatable and manageable, as long as the patient wants to start to feel better.  But therapy doesn't work if she doesn't work at it, because therapy IS work.

My advice to you would be to watch out for excessive enablement.  There's a fine line between support and enablement, and I think many parents on these boards struggle with that.  Perhaps the worst period for me was when my stepdaughter was NEETT for extended periods (Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy).  Being NEETT doesn't work, because it means avoiding life.  If you do nothing, you literally feel like nothing.  I hope that in your household, being NEETT isn't permitted.  It was permitted in my household, for far too long in my opinion.

Anyway, you're not alone.  I think there is hope.  Maybe you are the beacon of light in all this.  You can model healthy living, and hope, and resilience.  And be sure to live your life, so that it's not all about BPD.

You have to come to the right place. By prioritizing self care you will be able to be  your best self and most helpful to family members, though it is not your job to take care of the emotions of others. Healthy people know what they feel and how to manage their emotions. When you have a close family members who is disordered, letting them take care of their emotions while not taking on their emotions for them, can be the most important boundary to have. I have many disordered family members, some with BPD.