BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

My wife and I have been together for eight years. We have a very loving, trusting, communicative, respectful, healthy marriage.  We talk. We work through our issues. We communicate our feelings.  We are very confident that her sister has BPD. There have been numerous explosive episodes from her in the past involving her parents, but this is the first that involved me.

My wife experienced a miscarriage a few months ago. It was quite traumatic for her and very difficult experience. We  are so lucky to now have a healthy baby on the way.  We shared the news with our family and any updates thereafter, Her sister consistently was using language saying “we’re having a baby!”  In this pregnancy, early on, she told my wife “you’re making my baby for me.”  My wife immediately corrected it and she didn’t respond.  She has continued to use “we’re having a baby” language.  It has been nauseating to me to hear that after everything, my wife has been through, And knowing her BPD history and lack of healthy Emotional response and boundaries.  I couldn’t take it so I spoke up. I thought for a while how to do it and I tried to make it a joke so one day I responded “we are? I’m confused!” She double down and said “WE are.”  Again, I tried to make light of the situation with a joke and said “oh well that’s not my understanding of anatomy and how things work.”  She apparently thought it was harsh and went to her parents complaining about it. When I learned this, I immediately apologized And stated I did not intend to hurt her feelings.  However, I stated I need to be clear About this boundary and your use of language, please do not use that.  This sent her off the deep end, and she has been gaslighting, using emotional manipulation, Abusive language, etc. She has now begun to attack my character and ability to support my wife during pregnancy. She is splitting. I know this.  Any other person in our life with healthy emotional regulation and boundaries - we would not have made such a big deal of the language.

I guess I’m writing this for my own emotional release because I am so angry.  But also — we don’t know where to go from here.  I do NOT want her in our child’s life if this is how she will behave. That is exactly what she is afraid of but she is creating that situation.  Class BPD.  I am feeling guilty the stress this brings to my wife during her pregnancy.  It is not right.  But I think this boundary was important.

I think the best bet is to stay quiet at least for a week.

Any suggestions or similar examples welcome.

First of all-  miscarriages are difficult and it is wonderful that you and your wife are expecting a baby!

PwBPD have difficulty with boundaries. Of course it's your wife's baby, not her sister's. Putting it in terms of "she's having a baby for me" is strange.

The only parallel I can think of in my situation is that I am my BPD mother's scapegoat child. After my father passed away, she at the time didn't have much to do with me, but somehow still assumed she would have a relationship with my children anyway. She would refer to them as "MY grandchildren" - emphasize the "MY".

They are adults now so they determine the extent of contact they want with her. When they were younger, I had boundaries- one was that they would not ever be alone with her. When they were older and got cell phones, I didn't give BPD mother their phone numbers but she managed to get them by calling other people she knew who had them. She seemed to get some satisfaction from calling them without me knowing but they would tell me when she did. Once they were older, rather than have boundaries for them, I helped them learn to have their own boundaries. They are polite to her but keep a distance.

You and your wife will need to sit down together and decide on boundaries with your SIL. Boundaries are for you, not something you impose on her or anyone else- she's the one with boundary issues. In a family, it may be impossible to have a no contact boundary, especially if family gets together in a group- it's hard to have no contact with one person. Your boundary may consist of keeping a time limit on visits, and also not having SIL be alone with the baby. If your wife's parents keep the baby and they won't adhere to this boundary- then they don't babysit- one of you would need to be there for visits.

Whatever the boundary is- as long as you and your wife can be on the same page with it and stick to it- that's what you do. Family might grumble but - this is your baby and you decide. Your first responsibility is to do what is in the best interest for his baby- not to placate family.