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Everynight, 3 AM, 4 AM... .the nightmare.

Last night, someone captured us (me, her, and the boys) and killed them in front of me... .made me watch... .fast forward... .the police are screeming at me that I did it... .

I can't grieve... .just when I think the real horror is unspeakable... .some new horror comes in.

I been to a therapist.  I have a sleeping pill/tranq.  They say I am OK, just grieving a huge loss.

I get out, I read, I have diversions, I run my legs off, I'm busy at work.

I've lost a love... .and I know that is a powerful thing... .but this reaction is soo painful.  I've never experienced anything like it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?  Is there a way to cope or am I just doomed to suffer until it stops.

  Skip; try and keep your chin up. It's only natural that you should feel the way that you do. When an intense relationship comes to an end, you mourn the loss of the person you loved, in the same way that you would a bereavement... only this is worse... .the person you cared for is still walking around.  But look at it this way. Do you think she's still having sleepless nights over you? Do you think that her world has completely caved in? Do you think that she is being eaten away at the core? Be honest with yourself... .it's probably unlikely. You are going through a normal range of human emotions; it is understandable that you feel that way. Back in April something the same happened to me. I started to grieve the loss of someone with whom I had an intense relationship. I couldn't understand why it all went wrong in the end; it haunted me, made me feel constantly down and preoccupied me in an unhealthy way. Some nights I couldn't sleep well. I started to see this person again after that... but this time I built up a sort of defense inside of me to protect myself from the further hurt, which I expected to come. (and inevitably... it did). I did this so that it wouldn't hurt again. However, that was a contradiction; how can you conduct a relationship with someone when you're half expecting it to end anytime. You can't. You have to realise that the problem won't go away... .you won't change that person... but when the relationship is over... and your grieving is over... you will be free... .unlike the person you are grieving; they will always live in turmoil, they will always be looking for something they can't find, they will always have problems... .because they are the problem. They carry it around inside of them and it radiates outwards and it affects those  who they claim to love in adverse ways. The point is you have to learn from your mistakes... .and move on. If you go back or allow her back... it can only prolong what you are experiencing now... because you can be sure your pain won't end. Build up a wall as solid and as high as the re-engagement dam inside your heart against this person; it took me six months to start to feel normal again... but eventually you'll find that you will. You have to protect yourself first and foremost. You can conduct a deep and meaningful relationship again... with ease; she probably can't if she's a BP. But that's her misfortune... not yours. Your grieving will probably last a long time in your case unless you make positive attempts not to dwell on it... .go out, mix and be sociable. One day soon you'll meet someone else; the nightmares ill end and you'll have restful nights with someone you can genuinely feel at peace with.

Hey Skip,

The nightmares do go away.?  And in the process of going away they become less nightmare more random bad dream.?  Mine occur (when I remember them) maybe once a month now and I'm almost nine months out.?  

Think of what you're going through as something you needed to learn. Just think... .you will never be in a relationship with someone with BP again.?  What a gift to yourself.?  How horrible would it be, instead of these nightmares, to keep putting your awake self back into a relationship with a person with BPD?  I'd rather have the nightmares which WILL go away, than the living nightmare, hell-on-earth of being in a long-term relationship with a BP... .wouldn't you?

As I type this at 10:30 a.m., I am lying in bed after ten hours of sleep delighting in the fact that my X, smelling like the bottom of an astray and sleeping off a hangover, is NOT lying next to me ready to rage as soon as she wakes up.?  Instead, I went to bed early, had good sleep and shortly I'm going out for a run and then brunch.?  All on my schedule.?  Start looking at the little things and appreciating them.?  Everytime you start feeling down picture your X in the situation and think about what would be going on if she was there.?  I can guarantee you'll feel better about your situation in the present.?  When you start really appreciating your life, life gives you a little kick in the ass further along the path of living well.?  I think most of us who have successfully gone NC and are a little further along the road out of Oz can and will tell you the same thing.

Saratoga

I just had a dream last night that Cathy was in.

It really wasn't a nightmare but she was just there in the background most of the time.

It was like a Tomb Raider dream for me where I was navigating all these obstacles (sp) mainly on wild rivers. then sometimes she was just a passenger in the car with me.

Not an upsetting dream but never the less she was in it.

The BP's in out life are a part of our life history now and I believe are bound to pop up in dreams from time to time just as anything else will depending on what we are going through at the time and if the mind feels this or that object fits the best for whatever purpose it has for the dream.

I remember a line in a movie many years ago about a little boy that had nightmares over the death of his mother... ."its so sad that he can't even have peace in his sleep"

I have really worked hard to recover (do the things you should do) and I understand all of the points about the futility of it all... .difficult as it is to truly comprehend... .I have persevered and I have learned... .thanks mostly to my friends here.

Maybe I just need to celebrate each horrible night by realizing that it is, inch by inch, the extreme hurt I have trying to escape my soul.

I don't  think I fully appreciated the depth to which I loved her.

Loved how she made you feel when she was feeding you Skip... .It is a wonderful illusion they create for us... .and for them... .

But when they let us go hungry... .oh how we pant for the nourishment to our egos... .we are nothing without these strokes of fantasy... .

And God how we celebrate the return to the feast no matter how short the servings... .it is enough... .the promise of more... .

And then it is gone again... .and the thirst begins... .and the hunger saturates... .and then the pain... .

And then the insane hope for it to begin again.

We loved only the briefest moments Skip... .so few they were,,but we gave them so much... .

Like the bullrider... .we prepare and prepare for such few moments of adrenaline filled languish... .then we are tossed the the earth to train and anticipate again. It is the ride we love... .not the bull.

Lenny

Dear, dear ((skip))--

I'm so sorry that this is so painful and that you are still experiencing such distress. ?

I generally had nightmares after a break-up, but they were a bit different: ? I was back with the person and he was smiling at me, and life was wonderful. ? When I woke and realized it was just a dream, it was painful, because I remembered exactly what it was like to have that person in my life.

By the time my exh finally moved out, however, I was so done with him that I slept like a baby. ? I was so glad to have him gone... .no more rages, no more drunken rantings, no more financial chaos. ? It was bliss.

But you are still feeling intense loss... .as long as you keep puttingone foot in front of the other, you will get through this. ? I do wonder, however, if there isn't something else at work when middle aged men break up with younger women. ? Are you also greiving the loss of some kind of virility or youth that the younger woman represents? ? I only say this because it seems that many older men, seemingly stable and solid, seem to have a much harder time with these break-ups than many younger people. ? Of course, this is a big generalization, but just something to think about.

About the greater pain representing greater love... .you said you didn't realize how much you loved her. ? I don't think this is necessarily true. ? The amount of grieving is not representative of how much we loved. ? Of course you miss the promise of who she was... .you are having a hard time getting through this. ? But that doesn't mean that you had great love for her. ? I grieved more over men that (in retrospect) didn't mean that much to me... .it was because I thought there was more there than there was. ? I was grieiving lost promise vs. reality. ?

I don't know Joanna... .she is 43 and I am 51 and I didn't feel like she was "younger"... .other women in my life have ranged from 4-12 years younger... .and I don't have trouble attracting active slightly younger women... .I have been spending my time recently with someone that is 39.

But I do feel MY AGE may affect the feeling of loss... .  and the fact that I grew to love her boys as my own... .but all this aside... .whatever it is, my subconsious mind is incredibly tortured... .  my natural instincts are in full gear here and not letting up.


Your insights are always helpful... .and I think you are both right.

Hi, Skip,

Haven't had dreams lately about my ex-gf but I wake up every morning and soon start thinking about mean things she said or did, and the anger starts.  I say a prayer, trying to remember that she has a sickness that caused her to act that way.  Getting better really takes a lot of time.  I'm still obsessing over her.  And Lenny's probbaly right.  Probably what I loved was a wonderful illusion... .the "nourishment," then the withholding and the pain... .then the "insane hope for it to begin again."

I've also been thinking about something that JoannaK has pointed out several times:  If we saw someone with one leg, we wouldn't ask, How come they're not walking right?  But when it comes to someone with a mental disorder, we ask, How come they're not relating right (appropriately)?  I mean, if I'm grieving the loss of a relationship with someone who is INCAPABLE of having an intimate relationship, then doesn't that mean that I am still not seeing this person as having a mental disorder?  It's like I just won't accept that this is not someone who could have treated me better, and who could have had a successful, healthy, long-term relationship with me. 

Don't know how much of that might be of help to you, Skip, but thanks for your posts and let's keep persevering because we will get better.

Mark

Thanks Mark... .

You know, I'm fighting very hard to get through this... .every thing I know how to do... .I've accepted the reality... .but something deep inside is just in pain... .

Thanks for your kind words.

7 months ago, I remember waking up every morning at 4am with an electric current of fear and panic running through my body for hours. A feeling of absolute horror was my first thought when I awoke.

I felt shocked and traumatised. This stage has passed. It gets easier and easier, slowly but surely. I still have issues to work on, and Im still healing. It is so painful, but it does heal.

Its right what others are saying, lots of pain does not mean that you loved them lots.