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Stop Walking on Eggshells Author: Paul T. Mason MS, Randi Kreger Publisher: New Harbinger Publications (2nd Ed. 2010) Paperback: 240 pages ISBN-10: 1572246901 ISBN-13: 978-1572246904 (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/mod-review.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/locate.png) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords=1572246901&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/support.png) (https://goo.gl/SRq6J1)

Book Description
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how the disorder affects their loved ones and recognize what they can do to get off the emotional roller coasters and take care of themselves.

About the Author
Paul T. Mason is a program manager of Child/Adolescent Services and a psychotherapist with Psychiatric Services for St. Luke's Hospital in Racine, Wisconsin. His research on borderline personality disorder (BPD) has appeared in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, and he teaches seminars for mental health professional on the effects of BPD on partners and family members.

Randi Kreger is a professional writer. Frustrated with lack of information about BPD and families, she initiated an Internet discussions a group and a site on the web for people who care about someone with borderline personality disorder.

Authors Comments

I thought I would let u know how this book came into being.

I am a non myself. A therapist in 1995 or so that someone in my life had BPD. I couldn't find any info, so I decided to write the book. Part of it was that I could interview the best people out there!

It took a YEAR to find a publisher. No one believed people needed this. At one point, Paul and I considered self-publishing--but suddenly we got three offers. For me personally, it has been a blessing and a curse. It was--and is still--hard to listen to story after story of other non-BPs. The worst is seeing what is happening to the children. It has made me relive my own experiences over and over.  It also meant working in my house, alone, for three years. The lack of social interaction is very hard for me. For about a year there, I was sorry I ever started this.

The blessing part is that it has given me such great skills, not only dealing with BPs but in all my personal relationships. Now that I am 10 years older, the blessing is that there was a purpose in my own BP experience, not to mention my own life. Without it, I would feel pretty empty. I think the highlight of the experience was when I spoke with a non with three children in a nasty divorce. To get custody of the kids, he had to assume all the considerable dept they had. So he asked me for advice and I told him to GET HIS KIDS and then I started to cry. He called me later and told me he took the kids. And at one point I realized that this not only made those children's lives not a hell--but it will trickle down to THEIR children.

I don't think I will ever get my head around 'Stop Walking on Eggshells" selling about 300,000 copies and the Workbook about 35K or so. The average number of books sold for my publisher is about three thousand.I was giving a seminar for nons once and I looked out at everyone and suddenly I realized how powerful this disorder really is.

Randi

This booked may have saved my life.

It certainly saved my sanity.

And it made me face unpleasant facts about the effects my BPGF would have on my daughter, and made me do something about it, pronto.

B2

I found the workbook for "stop walking on eggshells" to be very helpful, with many insightful ideas and ways to see the FOG you are in, being in a relationship with a BPD person.

I also have read "Where to draw the line. How to set healthy boundaries every day" by Anne Katherine, M.A. which I found great to help me see how I was weak at setting personal boundaries.

Also, "The emotionally abusive relationship" by Beverly Engel, to see how to define emotional abuse, and to also see how I got sucked into being the nice person, to my own detriment.

This book helped me so much, I used to beat myself up because my 27 yr. old BPD daughter always blames me for everything, I never realized that she was manipulating me. It's all starting to make since for me after reading this book. I would highly recommend reading it, It will help you realize that it's not you with the defect.

Book was a great comfort.

However, I wished it had went into more detail about LEAVING someone with BPD.

I had no idea how hard it would be until I found this site.

It was the first thing I read after finding The Nook.

Like so many here - it so reflected what I was experiencing, but not only that, it gave me more of an awareness of what BPD was and also insight into how I needed to deal with it.

It was hard to read in a way, as it was the beginning of the end. It made me realise I needed to walk away. But in that respect it saved me a whole lot more suffering and grief.

RTT

The stuff about how to leave a BP is in the booklet Love and Loathing. You can't fit everything into SWOE, and to have a lot of info about that would have made a lot of people unhappy.

 i have been out... .but my ex threw it in the... .trash... .

i just bought another copy to re read... .now that im in re-engagement central

i wanted to be sure... .

i think a book from randi on after your out , or on the way out ould be good... .

tony

That is in Love and Loathing too. If you're serious about divorce, there is Splitting, the Splitting CD, and they custody CD called you're my world. It is EXTREMELY important to prepare if that's what you want to do--ESPECIALLY if you have kids.

not married randi and no kids,... .a blessing.but the book , definatley helped me understand... .things, and how her mind works... .

just dont know how it works five months out... .?

tony

I am unfamiliar with "Love and Loathing".

What is it and where can I get a copy please?

b2

Hello,

I was recommended that our daughter with BPD boyfriend would read the book... .walking on eggshells... .

Does anyone know if this is translated into Dutch, or where I can find out?

Thanks

I found this information at www-page-not-found-net:

To check translation status, email customerservice@newharbringer.com.


Hope that helps.

KSM

Thanks,

I have found it.

All I can tell you is it hasn't been translated into French. My guess would be that it hasn't been translated into any foreign languages, but I could be wrong. How's your daughter's English? Maybe she would have no problem reading it in English. 'Kill two birds with one stone' kind of thing... .

This is my understanding of the translation status on this book.  The e-mail address provided by Ks Step Mom will get you the latest information.

Hope this helps.

Skip


Stop Walking on Eggshells, Taiwanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Chinese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Dutch

Stop Walking on Eggshells, German

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Japanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Korean

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Croatian

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Swedish

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, Dutch

Wow! I'm impressed! I had no idea it had been translated into so many languages. Why it hasn't been translated into French still baffles me.

Randi, you get the publisher, and I'll do the translation for you!  :) (I mean it!)

I don't know if I can give this book an objective review, so here's a subjective one.  This book was my first baby steps out of the fog... .out of Oz.  I was working late, my BP-then-wife had really been on a tear, things were at a low.  I was browsing the net and came across a comment on a divorce site that used the acronym "BPD."  I had no idea what that meant, so I went on a Google-binge and came across Stop Walking on Eggshells... .I picked it up that night on the way home.

The next couple of days, I read any time I had a spare moment... .at breaks/lunches at work... .any time.  I was stunned as it seemed as if the authors had been living in my home.  Up until that point, I had never heard anything about it and even the few times I told a person or two about part of the behaviors going on, they didn't seem to believe it.  My BP-wife was denying that the behaviors were taking place and I was second guessing myself.  But there was the book, it was physical proof that there was life outside my little planet. 

It was a long road for me... .not as long as some, but the longest, toughest road I've ever taken with many tears along the way.  Now I'm working on my own wonderful life and my children also have a positive example in their lives.   It started with this book.

a life changing book - many many thanks to the authors .

ive just passed it on to a young woman who so desperately need to read it - shes getting a lot from it too!

I have a general question for Randi or some of the senior board members that may know. The year 1995 was a period that I was devouring books by the week on bi-polar, co-dependency, children of alcoholics, narcissism people and such and believe I saw very few references to Borderline disorder. Going on 13 years later the term and awareness has enlarged in scope and in public awareness from what I have seen. In these 13 years I am wondering what your opinion is on how the awareness, education and sensitivity has changed to the general public and professional ranks about BPD.

Thank you,

LA

This will be much better answered by Randi... .

The BPD diagnostic criteria didn't appear until 1987 when they were published in the DSM-III (and again in 1994 in DSM-IV). This really kicked off the awareness.  Clinicians graduating prior to 1987 had little training on BPD.

The first "lay" book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" was published in 1989. 

If you look in the technical literature, a lot of studies were published in the 1990's.   TARA was founded in November of 1994 by Valerie Porr, MA.

":)on't walk on Eggshells" didn't come out until 1998.  This is also the time of the internet websites.

The Borderline Personality Disorder Research Foundation was founded in 1999.  BPDRF mobilized research centers in the US and Europe to investigate whether BPD was a recognizably distinct entity and, if so, what the defining characteristics of the disorder were.

NEA-BPD was founded in August 2001 by several family members, consumers, and one professional. The impetus stemmed from the "New Directions" meeting at Rockefeller University in July 2001 sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health and the Borderline Personality Disorder Research Foundation.

Hope that helps.

Skippy

Not sure I got too much out of this or  I've missed the point of it.

NPD/BPD pretty much seem the same to me.

Borderlines fear abandonment big time and avoiding it is their primary driver.

I do not believe that Narcissists are driven by the same fear.

From what I have read it is not uncommon for the two disorders to be comorbid and the combination of the two is powerfully destructive and apparently very hard if not impossible to treat successfully. NPD/BPDs are very hard to live with, trust me!

b2   

From what I have read NPD are driven by fear.

They just deal with it in a different manner.

They will reject before being rejected.  Coldly and cruely if they have to.  But is imperative to their survival that they be the ones to do it.

So when they feel they are getting too close to someone, and there is even the slightest chance that they may be vulnerable, they leave, and they leave fast.

They are terrified of being left, being hurt.  This fear is by far stronger than any love they feel for anyone.  The potential is enough to drive them away without so much as a backwards glance.  The feelings of others is just not a factor in their lives.  It's all about them, how much power over others they feel they have.  People are just pawns to them. And in their minds, people are interchangable and very disposable if they feel threatened or even bored with them.  They bore easily apparently.

They cover their fear with an air of superiority and competance, but inside they are a quivering mass of fear.

There are some sadistic NPD's who actually enjoy hurting others, they enjoy that kind of power, but I'll have to guess that they are fairly easy to spot.

I believe the APD's are the only ones whose actions are not based on fear.  They just feel nothing.

But I do agree with one thing, it really doesn't matter how much of either they have, if they have a mixture of both, I truly feel it is an impossible situation.

yes - the great NPD/BPD combination - unbelievably impossible .

Reading this book has helped me reduce the initial chaos within one year.

We are minimum contact and set boundaries.

Ubpx will forever be trying to create chaos for us, but we have resources now.

About 3 tears ago, a friend gave me a copy... .I started highlighting everything that pertained to my ex... .I stopped because I was highlighting almost the whole book... .One day my ex caught a glimps of it and asked to borrow it... .I said yes, but told her I had highlighted some of it and she had to promise not to get mad... .a week later, she threw it on my porch and I didn't hear from her for a few weeks... .Of course, I'm totally NC now! Thanks for a great book, it saved my sanity and my son too!

Hi there:What would the topics be, and would they be something you could also find in other books?

Randi,

I believe that a lot of subject matter could be covered that is specific and unique to exiting and healing from a relationship with somebody with a personality disorder.

Planning the departure appears to be hard for everybody here. Dealing with divorce and child custody issues especially if the BPD has primary custody how does the non deal with the safety and security of their children and how to measure it. I have not read William Eddy’s book on divorce but I do know that reading about recovery and grief of divorce written eight years ago gave little comfort or aid to what I went through. Many of us carry a lot of guilt after the break-up, we wonder if we did enough to help them, would of things worked out if we had stayed longer and many other things. Within ourselves many see red flags everywhere when trying to get back in circulation as a normal person. Why is it so hard for many of us to get out of the shell we receded into when we are away from the one who hurt us so much? Protection from re-engaging afterwards is important but many keep letting it continue for a long time. I believe many do not know how to meditate and concentrate about thinking about themselves and planning their future after the shock of their experience.

Just my opinion here but many issues of divorce, grieving and getting over a past relationship with somebody with BPD present many special circumstances that are not covered in the general books available covering those issues.

LA

Just wondering if any parts of the workbook you enjoy.I  have just hit a real good part about taking a mental or physical vacation from our Bp... .Just reading this part calms me down... In my own situation I deal with more than one person with BPD so I need all the help i Can get.When we take vacations away whether permanant or if it is a family member it may not be permanant.On the most part most of us have been brainwashed in staying away fro other people which was my case... for me personally it feels so good to be around people who who dont blame and criticize me for EVERYTHING.If one takes one of these vacations ypu wil see that in 2-3 days ... that is all it takes and we see just how abnormal our lives have become and how it feels to have fun again.A wonderful line from the Workbook is this one... .REMEMBER>>IT IS HEALTHY FOR 2 ADULTS TO BE ABLE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITHOUT EACH OTHERS PRESENCE.Ok... share with me your fav part or a section that is hitting home.

It's too bad that we cant give them a Foroum like bpdfamily.com

The book helped to save my life with the same dBPD twice (yeah, I went back for Round 2).

Randi, you gotta write one now that rewrites the rules of BPD Recovery so that they "can easily fix themselves" and quit destroying others' lives. I mean, heck, you made a very simple outline for us... .C'mon, you got it in ya dontcha? 

thanks for your dedication

bumpy

I'm just amazed that it hasn't been translated into French   yet!

Now that we have a borderline President, maybe French people will start giving this disorder some serious thought!  :)

Anyway, Randi, if you want a French translator, you've got one right here!  :) :) :)

I heard about the two books with STop walking on egg shells, one being the basic and the other being a workbook... which one should i pick up first?

ben22

I woud read SWOE first and then apply what you have read to understanding the workbook.

As you read issues use this board to vent, ask questions or seak clarity about how it relates to you.

The book is full of new language and it is pretty self explanatory and easy to read, but having this resouce to assist you will be golden.

Good luck and good reading and keep us posted.

Peace4us

I read this book today, after seeing it recommended so many times on this site.

I thought it was well-written, with a lot of good information.  My copy came from the library, and I'll probably buy my own to have it as a reference.  However, I really would have liked more information and anecdotes from parents of BPD children.  This book seems more focused on married and/or partner relationships, so quite a bit of the book didn't pertain to my situation.

Is there an electronic version of the book? I mean, I can't buy the physical book because I have nowhere to put it (I live and work with my uBPDw). I could read it slowly in my computer whenever I had some scarce alone times in our work. but anyway I would really like to read it... .

Yes, we will be offering an e-version around the first of next year.

I have a booklet called Hope For Parents on my website. You'll see it listed on the left. There is also a great book by Blaise Aguirre about BPD in adolescents.

Someone JUST contacted my publisher about that, and that person has contacts. So New Harbinger is looking more into that. Since I speak French I've been bugging them about it for years. Why it's in Croatian and not French I don't know... .

Thanks. I did some seminars in Japan and they started a support group on the net. There are actually loads of books for people with BPD--my favorite it is The B... .P... .D... .Survival Guide.

Anything new about the French translation of your book, Randi?

I read the book and found it interesting but I don't agree with the title. At the end of the day this is more about learning how to walk on eggshells than really stopping.

The statement from Marie (non-BP) at the end of the book sums it up for me:


The information given and the techniques explained in the book do not change any of this. They just are tools to help you do all that better.

I ordered this book online last week and received it early this week.  I have to admit that I really only skimmed through it before giving it to my boyfriend, who is going through a contentious divorce from his uBP STBX.  However, what I read was incredibly good.

The best part of the book I found was the chapter in which the author basically "translated" the borderline's thought process for those of us who think and behave rationally.  The projection was something I really didn't understand until reading this book.  I'm not used to arguing with someone who goes off-topic, and that seems to be what pwBP are all about.  Even when my boyfriend and I have the occasional disagreement, his reactions to me show a lot of the kind of argument he has been spending decades having, and I understand better how I have to "retrain" him for our conversations:  I am not going to consider him evil because we disagree on one thing; if I say I spend "a lot" of time thinking about something unhappy, it means about ten minutes a day several times a week until I push past it, not ten hours of every day.  My efforts to communicate my feelings with him are to be honest with him about how I feel and what I am doing about it - NOT to saddle him with the blame for it.  So although I don't (yet) have any direct contact with the pwBP, it still helps me to understand the dynamics that affect my boyfriend by the ways he has dealt with her and walked on eggshells over the years.

I think that he will get far more out of it than I will, but I will definitely go back to the pieces about setting boundaries on contact and shutting the doors she opens to arguments that are bigger than the current issue (e.g., bedtime for the kids versus being a lying, cheating hit_) when she and I have more direct contact as his and my relationship becomes more serious.  In the meantime, it has answered my "why does she ... .?" questions better than anything else has to date, and since that's the way my mind works, it was what I needed to read besides the basic generalized facts of what pwBP do.

Interstingly - in his last session with his own therapist, he raised the concept that she may have BPD, and the therapist recommended he read THIS book.  I had already given it to him by that point.   :)

I have read this book and have gone back to it many times.  Highly recommend it.  It helped me to really understand BPD and

also to never lose hope.  Look after yourself. Johanj xx

This book sounds like it could really help in my situation. I live in Australia and would like to know how I can get the book  as I need to read this one. It may even help my BPD Daughter's siblings and her children understand and cope  more positively. After all knowledge really is power.     

I'm only on chapter 4 of this book and it's been so helpful! My BPDh was so difficult to live with before, but this book has already helped me to see what I was doing wrong! The simple language makes it so easy to read!

Excellent book, I downloaded this book to my phone Kindle and couldn't put it down... .had to sit by the charger while reading most of it LOL because I was so engrossed.  This was the first book I actually didn't jump ahead in reading... .I followed the authors instructions not to and they were right, it was necessary and worth it.

It was recommended by my sister who suffers with Schizo-affective disorder and has known for many years that our mother is an undiagnosed BPD, through her own travels in therapy.  She just waited for one of us to be ready and asking "what is mom's problem?"   We all knew there was something, but when it's your normal it takes a long time to realize that it's more than just typical conflict.  

For me, it took my kids becoming adults for me to realize that normal mothers aren't so emotionally needy and critical.  Normal mothers aren't looking at their kids as their emotional caretakers.  Normal mothers WANT and are not threatened by their children gaining adult independence.  Normal adults aren't walking on eggshells.    

The first few pages were my 'light bulb' moment.  I am now on the road to finding out how to make and maintain boundaries with mom, hopefully we can maintain a relationship without as much conflict.  

Thank you for this book.  It has opened a new world to me.

Wow - Have you seen the 22 out of 207 some reviews on Amazon only giving this book 1 and 2 star ratings?  

That would be a TERRIBLE score as an eBay seller 22 negatives out of 207 ... .

Am I the only one?

I'm not going to stop reading, because it's incredibly helpful.

But at the same time, reading about how to improve communication, be aware of triggers, etc., triggers thoughts of "why do I want to have my life revolve around trying to manage someone's mental illness?  I've done that for 30 years and it's left me emotionally devastated.  Why would I look for techniques to do it more effectively?"

So what do these thoughts reveal about me?

1.  I'm assuming that the book is being written for people in chosen relationships rather than unchosen.

2.  It's my codependence that has led me to build my life around trying to manage her mental illness.

3.  I still need to really learn that you don't manage a person or the person's illness--you manage yourself and your reactions and responses.

4.  I'm emotionally devastated.  I might not have the resources right now to not take things personally--separate the illness from the person.

5.  The techniques to manage my reactions and responses are not unique to dealing with pwBPD.  They are useful in healthy relationships as well.

6.  Part of why I'm here is my own unhealthy patterns and traits--codependence, insecurity, poor self-respect, poor conflict management skills.  Failure to address those things will lead me to repeat the choices that brought me here.

I'm reading in small chunks to manage my level of pissed-off-edness.

My therapist gave me the book at our first session. I read the whole book the first day, and for me, it was a real eye opener. Not because I finally realized how to cope with my uBPDw, but rather, that I finally realized that things would never be acceptable to me, and for the first time in my married life, I had real clarity, I knew at that moment that I needed to save myself, and move on with my life.

I think that if you have a parent or child with BPD, it makes sense to learn to cope with them because it's hard to shut them out. When it comes to a SO, you have the choice to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not apposed to hard work, but I've always believed that hard work should have some reward, but there is no reward for coping with a SO with BPD. All you do is give up more and more of yourself, to ultimately find out that they don't even appreciate any of the hard work and sacrifice, and no matter how much you do, it's never enough.

Don't get mad at the book, understand that it is an operation manual that will help you troubleshoot a piece of equipment that is defective and will never be repaired.

FUBAR:... Since the author Randi Krieger comes on here regularly... I am hoping she responds to you... I also wanted to add I have read the book around 20 times... In my own personal life I have dealt with both chosen and unchosen BPD relationships... I understand where you are coming from... we as a "non" make so much effort and money to heal oursleves while many times the disordered one walks around like everything is fine and makes no effort to get better... JC is right it is about saving ourselves... NOT THEM... I am hoping the book starts to grow on you... Randi did such a good job... I get something new out of it every time I read it

I'm obviously getting something out of it too, I think, based on what I realized I was revealing about myself in my anger.

And the anger isn't deterring me, but is waking me up as I understand what I'm dealing with in terms of my spouse.

I think maybe I'm getting the information too late.  Had my counselors steered me in this direction before I reached my point of emotional numbness, where anger and hurt and resentment are all I feel with her, it might have been a different story.

But I'm not willing to write it off yet.

My heart was full of love and longing for her for so long.  Something changed that.  And a part of me believes that something could change it back.  But I'm not willing to be open to that change until I believe it can happen without destroying me.

I read the SWOE AFTER I broke up with my uBPDxbf.  At first it made me wonder if I had done things differently if we could have made the relationship work.  It's been 3 1/2 months NC and I've read everything about BPD I could get my hands on and have been reading & posting on these Boards. I truly believe if I knew everything I know now and did things differently according to the books, my chances of saving our relationship was about zero.  Either I still wouldn't have acted 'good enough' in his eyes or if I could hold true to boundaries he would have raged and that would be the end anyway.  I think it would have only dragged it out longer and probably would have done even more damage to my self-esteem.

The 'benefit' of this relationship was opening my eyes to what issues I need to work on to improve myself... .and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I didn't discover the book until about 6 mos. before the split.

Had I read it years ago, I think X would still have been a manipulative, crazy-making, control-freak towards me.  I don't think it would have changed the "fight" in him -- he fed off the sense of competition.  It was nearly impossible to set boundaries with him.

But my responses might have been a lot different.  Maybe to the extent that I would have left a whole lot sooner, rather than crusading to get him help, amid his continual protests.  If I were healthy enough back then to take in the content, maybe I would have been able to sidestep the tug that baited me into the crazy debates, over and over.  He kept on complaiining that work with a new marriage counselor would be the same as the one before.  Well sure it would be -- he was getting better and better at the game.

I was really ticked off when I first joined up here because I was accused of pointing the finger.  But in order for me to take a look at my own responses, I needed to tell the story, to know that someone believed me.

I read the book and felt it was overall a very good book with lots of helpful suggestions. Although, I did begin reading this book during a very crucial point in my relationship. I was finally learning after 13 years of marriage about my co-dependent ways and how I spent all my time trying to keep him calm and not holding him responsible for his poor behaviors. I was finally learning hoiw to take care of him less and me more. I felt the book was teaching me the opposite... . how I should respond so he remains calm. To me that meant trying to control his behavior... .once again! This is exactly what got me in this situation to begin with. I was very good at this and was trying to learn the opposite. I got tired of worrying about saying the right thing so pwBPD would not get angry.  

For me ... .I needed to put down the book untill I was in a better state of mind. Like I said... .I felt the book made a lot of good points but I do feel that it depends on the reader and if they are able to receive the authors message in a healthy way.  :)

Summer  

The book helped me out a ton. The relationship wasn't nearly as "crazy" and chaotic after I started using tools like validation... .

However, these same tools seemed to speed up the inevitable, which was her leaving me, because the weapons to control me and isolate me didn't work anymore. I am still very much under the impression that pwBPD are drama addicts. When you quit giving them drama (which is a lot of what SWOE teaches you to master) they go and find it elsewhere.

The months leading up to the breakup were by far the most calm months of our entire relationship. I actually felt like we were getting somewhere and then, wham, she found a new toy that she could have an "exciting" relationship with.

I am very thankful to Randi Kregor and SWOE, because it was a huge catalyst in taking my life back. Before reading that book, I was reading books like Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, that really didn't bring any sort of tools or healing to the table. SWOE really helped me get over my poor behaviors (made me realize that my enabling, defending, fighting back, etc behaviors were feeding the drama) and gave me an alternative way of handling her, especially during rage mode.

But at the same time, reading about how to improve communication, be aware of triggers, etc., triggers thoughts of "why do I want to have my life revolve around trying to manage someone's mental illness?  I've done that for 30 years and it's left me emotionally devastated.  Why would I look for techniques to do it more effectively?"Your feelings are understandable. You really don't have to if you don't want to. You have a choice between staying and leaving. However, you don't want to act impulsively, you want to know what you bring to the party, you still need to learn skills, and either choice is the beginning of a process, really, because once you find out about BPD and NPD there's a lot of learning to do.1.  I'm assuming that the book is being written for people in chosen relationships rather than unchosen.I tried to make it for both. 2.  It's my codependence that has led me to build my life around trying to manage her mental illness.3.  I still need to really learn that you don't manage a person or the person's illness--you manage yourself and your reactions and responses.4.  I'm emotionally devastated.  I might not have the resources right now to not take things personally--separate the illness from the person.5.  The techniques to manage my reactions and responses are not unique to dealing with pwBPD.  They are useful in healthy relationships as well.6.  Part of why I'm here is my own unhealthy patterns and traits--codependence, insecurity, poor self-respect, poor conflict management skills.  Failure to address those things will lead me to repeat the choices that brought me here.I'm reading in small chunks to manage my level of pissed-off-edness.[/quote]

I once read that anger is a sign that something needs to change.

Thanks Randi.  That first assumption was intended to acknowledge that my anger was based on a fallacy.  I know the book isn't targeted at  those in chosen relationships.  But that's the one I have, so that's what I was reading into it.

I was trying to say that my anger was telling me that about myself--not that i actually was making that assumption. 

If that makes sense.

I think #4, my own emotional state, is key to my anger.  I can't separate the act from the person right now.  And any hint that I should take any action whatsoever to ease tension and reduce conflict FEELS like an urging to walk on eggshells a little more when I really want to do stomp on the damn eggshells, crush them into powder, and then just scream in her face to go F*** herself when she does her thing.

I don't FEEL like being understanding . . .

I don't FEEL like making the best of a relationship that's left me feeling this way . . .

**panting slightly and looking for the rimal scream: emoticon**

I have seen my BPD partner and myself reflected so many times in SWOE.  It has been eye-opening and extremely validating.  I also expect to read it again when I'm in a different frame of mind.

But for right now, where I am, I feel like a part of me needs to stay angry and miserable just to keep my codependent self from slipping forever into a FOGgy hell.

I've read all the books I could get my hands on since my ex and I split.  First I looked into domestic violence, which led me to verbal and emotional abuse, which let me to read about anger and control, which let me to look into BPD.  So many indicators were verbatim to things I'd experienced here with him.  

I've read and read, agonizing thinking if I'd only done this or that, but it all just seems *exhausting* trying to accommodate a high maintenance, changeable, difficult, impulsive and explosive person.  Good heavens I want to be happy... .not involved in a daily emotional chess game where my natural and relatively normal responses have to be examined, controlled and contrived in order to keep peace and bring about a desired outcome.  

I need to be able to be *me*, to be able to be spontaneous, to be myself in a relationship that's emotionally safe for me with a person I can trust when I'm at my best and maybe not at my best.  I need to be able to be human, I need to have my feelings considered and cared for.  I need to not live a life worrying about how I may interact with someone I love just to keep peace.  

Eggshells, thin ice, a minefield... .it's all the same... .always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always being concerned about reading the mood, and how to respond.  Always one sided, always all about them.  

I've been doing that since I was a child.  Hypersensitive to the moods, needs and vacillations of others.  My father was an alcoholic, and when I was a little girl I'd dash to kiss him when he came home.  As I kissed him, I'd smell his breath... .and then I'd know if it would be a safe night or a bad night.  Sad reason for a 6 year old to kiss daddy.  Then of course, I wound up married to a violent alcoholic for 15 years.  And then years later along comes Mr. Jekyll/Hyde.  I swear they have a bloodhound's nose for me, or I for them.    I'm bone weary of walking on eggshells, living at the behest of someone else's mood.  Enough already.  It's time for someone who's good and kind, decent and honorable, someone who's not nuts. 

I'm sad that all the wonderful things that I believed were possible for me and my ex are now dust in the wind, but I don't miss the reality of what was.  Let someone else wear themselves out trying to accommodate one who cannot be accommodated.  

xoxox

I love the book. It opened my eyes to many of my past relationships and my role in them. Not just relating to people with BPD, but others too. The book helped me learn I can say no to intolerable behavior. I dont haveto scream yell and fight with anyone. I also dont haveto sit back and take that behavior from someone else. I am learning to be in control of myself and I love that. It feels very liberating to be able to be free and make healthy choices, not letting anyones problems and behavior manipulate me. Dont get me wrong its a process, it takes one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.this book was the catylist for my change for sure.

I was angry when I read the book too, among alot of other feelings. Angry that I had walked on eggshells for so many years . Angry at myself, angry at my BPDSO that I had just left. Angry that the dreams I had for a family with my exso would never be possible. Ive learned Anger is a great motivator for me. When Im angry I take that and use it as fuel to make positive change. Doesnt haveto be big changes, small ones count too. Doing things for myself, improving me, taking care of me.

We're taught from childhood to have respect and compassion for those affected by illness.  It would be inhumane to be angry at someone who is suffering.

But people in wheelchairs don't use their wheelchairs to attack others.  People with infectious diseases don't go out of their way to project or spread the toxins around.

And for those of who are taught to be peacekeepers, maybe we're BPD/NPD magnets because they hone in on our difficulties with setting and maintaining boundaries.

I think a lot of my anger was from the feeling of powerlessness against X's private world without ethics, against the illness that denies itself and is about "winning" at all costs.  Without having reason to research it, how do you learn of the DSM criteria?  Without being in the thick of it, how could anyone envision the crazy-making acting out?  (As evidenced by when we try to convince an outsider of how nuts it was.)  And how do you separate the person vs. the illness -- when they are backpedalling as hard as they can to disprove it? 

I had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit.

Great post, and great quote:  "I had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit."

"L had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit."

OMG You described exactly how I feel most of the time. I think that my dBPDh may also be NPD. But am awaiting a full diagnosis after testing. For me WOES really helped me with some tools I could not have managed much longer without. But I also get angry sometimes when thinking about accountability. It is wonderful to put a name on all of this and I finally feel validated and sane but at the same time its like giving someone a board game and saying no matter how well you play the game you can never hope to win. Would you still play the game? The funny thing is I was happier before diagnosis because now his attitude is "I have this disorder and along with it comes the fact that I will cheat, steal your dreams, be abusive, never show remorse and you just need to put up with this because after all I have a disorder." and I'm not sure how to manage this.

I fully relate fubar.

Things have got to get better for us all.

Hugs Butrfly

id say... you dont have to be... if youre not up to it... it is real draining... tiring... can take a lot out of you... boundaries are good that way... bc they only deal w/your behavior... its ok to have a boundary... to not deal w/someone elses emotions when what you need is space... it dont mean your W is gonna like it... .but its ok  

i do work to be validating w/R... but man... sometimes if i had a rough day... or tired... or w/e... i dont got the energy for it... or got a short fuse myself... i check out... do my own thing... or just tell him i cant deal... try again later... he dont really like that... but the other option is pretty much like you said... me getting pissed off and telling him to ___ off which also dont work so good for a relationship...

i have a lot better success... if i validate when i am feeling up to it... and actually do understand... get where hes coming from... or am ok to ask questions... than trying to force it if i aint feeling it... cause if i dont feel it... he knows anyway and gets pissed... lol ___... he might as well be pissed at me being off doing my own thing where im chilled out an not trying to please anybody but me for a minute

Accountability -- it's what I begged for, prayed for -- but he dug his heels in and knew he was winning, his word against mine.  All he had to do was keep a steely calm after the fact.

As for your SO's diagnosis, well not a surprise, sadly.  Different day, different rules.  Before it might have been, "no way do I have any disorder.  In fact you're the one with the disorder.  And I'm not cheating, stealing, being abusive -- why should I show remorse?  It's all in your head.  After all, you're the one with the disorder -- you're obsessing about me."

How to manage him -- well, the key would be that he has to manage himself.  And not use the disorder as a Get Out of Jail Free card.  What is anyone to do in the meantime?  With diagnosis and therapy, how do you know the difference between an honest attempt to change and what might just be more posturing -- especially since he himself might not know?   I mean, sure, time will tell, but I'm wondering what happens in the short term?  As one wise therapist told me, there is no silver bullet.

Sending a  xoxox

My T recommended the book after I'd been seeing him for almost a year, in which most sessions were taken up with my r/s with my uBPbf. The lightbulb went on as I read! Though there are lots of strategies in the book for staying, I realized that unless my bf was willing to admit that he has this disorder (along with BiP and PTSD, which he admits), it wasn't going to get any better for me. He absolutely refused to go to couples counseling. It was clear to me that he wouldn't make the investment in the relationship. He'd pay lip service to working on it, but there would still be the unexpected rages, the splitting, cutting me off from my family, etc. Of course, he blamed me for not sticking it out, not making the investment. I'd already invested my life savings, though, and will not now throw good money after bad.

Livia,

A... .fricking... .MEN |iiii

But for right now, where I am, I feel like a part of me needs to stay angry and miserable just to keep my codependent self from slipping forever into a FOGgy hell.What about using the anger, but droping the miserable?

The funny thing is I was happier before diagnosis because now his attitude is "I have this disorder and along with it comes the fact that I will cheat, steal your dreams, be abusive, never show remorse and you just need to put up with this because after all I have a disorder." and I'm not sure how to manage this.This is something I wrote for my group Welcome to Oz that relates. I am going to post it on my blog at Psychology Today.The other day, someone asked this question:On the one hand, we are all holding people with personality disorder responsible for their actions, which is what Welcome to Oz is mostly about. On the other hand, we concede that they have a disorder. So which one is it? Are they victims of a disorder, or should we hold them accountable for their hurtful behavior? Following is my answer to this post: I'm going to answer your post by asking you to imagine different scenarios:1. You are diagnosed with adult attention deficit disorder, like me.To manage my life, , I need to take responsibility to take my meds, to structure my office environment, and to get a coach or read books that give me strategies for managing my tendency to forget things, overfocus on something and lose track of time, and not do what I am supposed to do around the house.My hubby gets frustrated if I forget to close the garage door because I got distracted as soon as I entered the house. He expects me to write myself notes to take care of household things.If I don't do this, my books will not get written and my relationship with my husband will suffer--as will my finances. It's not my fault that I have ADD. But it is my responsibility to manage it. It affects others; I don't live in a vacuum. People in my life give me some slack because they know I struggle. But I am an adult and they expect me to realize they have needs, too.2. Imagine your borderline/narcissistic wife has heart disease and her doctor says she must exercise and eat right.But she doesn't. She eats fatty meat and no vegetables and takes the car to run an erran a block away. She may die early or be disabled. You argue with her to change and she says she is FINE, that the doctors are too dour, and everyone dies of something, anyway. Besides, since her family as a history of heart disease, there is nothing she can do to prevent a heart attack. You learn that fighting about her lifesatyle makes her go out and eat fried food and sit on the couch watching TV for hours. You can get mad and call her all kinds of names and make generalizations about how people with cardiac disorder don't take care of themselves. You might feel better for awhile, but your behavior is not productive or helpful, and you're making generalizations about people that aren't even true.So what do you do: continue fighting, or accept she is in charge of her own body and focus on your own health so you will always be there for your children? Do you do your best at work because you require the health insurance? If you take care of you and give her space, she may decide on her own to take responsibility for her health.3. Imagine your child marries someone who acts just like your BP/NP spouse. Do you want him to experience abusive behavior and think it's all his fault and have his self-esteem wrecked? Do you want to give up his dreams for his future as well as his emotional needs, put your grandchildren at risk for having a personality disorder, etc?The lesson here is that people are not responsible for what they HAVE, ADD or a PD. But they are responsible for their behavior as it affects others and, hopefully, as it affects themselves. You can have sympathy and learn how to communicate and set limits that improve the relationship. But you have needs, too, and you deserve to have them met. Or, you can choose a life of being at the other person's mercy. It's up to you.People have needs. Very basically, they need the basics for survival. As you go up the chain, they need to feel safe. They need to be loved and have friends and community. They need to feel loved and reach their full potential. You can defer these needs, delay them, or refuse to do what you need to do to get them met. But they won't go away. Think about your life: it is all you have and it will not last forever. Each person must answer these questions for him or herself.

THAT'S one to work on!

I'm going to consider changing the focus of my counseling to place my issues in the context of my relationship with BPDw.  I think that may help me shift from outrage at the endless cycle.

The book helped me to look for her triggers and not to take her emotional/drama bait.

Did it piss me off, some part yeah.  I felt her violations all over again.  It reminded me about past experience and how her parent screwed her up and her siblings happily passed her to me.

I finished this book last night. I was amazed by it, because now I have a deeper understanding about my husband's behavior, and mine.  I was looking for coping skills and got a lot more. I have to re-read the book later and give it to his mom.  When I read the stories in many ways it could be my story.

I feel as though the book gave me many things to think about and many ways I can cope with my husband's illness.

I have a great deal to think of and it has made me re-evaluated what I want.  This is a dance which you have to be at the top of your game, and the point is, do I want to be on, all the time.

I just don't know for now. For right now, I will take the lessons from the book and work on them.

This is an outstanding book for those non with a significant other with BPD.

I cannot recommend it more highly.

It describes patterns and behaviours in both my BPDw and roles and patterns I have learnt to addopt and since give up as we seperate.

Excellent tips on coping strategies for NonBPD.

My recommedations is a strong BUY  |iiii

Wonderful book. Once my therapist planted the seed that my mum is probably BPD I started reading a bunch of books I could get my hands on. One of the best was Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook. Only half way through the workbook as it takes time to do the exercises (and I have two small children), but the book was amazing. It was just like Randi was living at my house when I was growing up. It was very validating that it wasn't me and my being "too sensitive" or "very argumentative" and never ever pleasing her no matter what I did (or didn't do). Highly, highly recommend the book. |iiii

Hi all,

I've went on a trip into town, searching for the book 'Stop walking on eggshells', but it's nowhere to be found... .

Probably because it's english, and, well yeah, we speak dutch :)

But I'd love to read the book (rather in english than in dutch), does anyone of you know how I could get my hands on this book?

Thanks!

You can order it from Amazon. UK.  The shipping costs aren't too bad. I live in Holland and had it mailed to me from the UK.

Thanks for the reply!

I'm gonna try it on amazon.uk :)

My friend is in the process of leaving his uBPDw (possibly +NPD).  She has 3 children from her first marriage (12, 14 & 17).  They're all very bright, I'm told.  Also, their bio-father isn't involved too much, from what I understand.  (They were still married when my friend started seeing her.  Bio-f actually warned my friend that the woman had BPD.  The more I learn about this disorder, the more I think how decent that was of him.)

Would this book be suitable for the children, as a kind of 'goodbye gift'?  My friend told me last week that the eldest (s17), is ready to disappear.  Middle child (d14) is either already displaying BPD behaviors, or is a pawn in her mother's machinations (apparently to get out of paying tuition?)  He didn't mention the youngest, but I can't imagine she's faring much better than the other two.

I might be seeing him tomorrow, it'd be nice to be able to give him at least a list... .

My book arrived in the mail today. Only took three weeks! Now for some reading and some fix-a-uppering of me. Ok so that's not a real word. I don't care!   *)

which edition of stop walking on egg shells do you reccomend.  they got it on ebay for @12$. thanks

Since yesterday I'm the proud owner of 'Stop walking on eggshells'! It finally arrived in the mail.

So far: I love the book! :)

Update:

Please note that there is an unabridged version of this book in audiobook format from iTunes.

Does anyone know if the book and the workbook has been translated into French?  It seems like only "The essential Family Guide to BPD... ." has been translated into French.  I was hoping to find the other 2 for my mom (non-BPD) who only speak/read French.

I am hoping to buy Stop Walking on Eggshells to help w dil who is a classic histrionic.   She is called the Princess by her family (which is so close and huge and codependent and lets no one else in); she has always had her way or as her father says, "There will be hell to pay."

Her daughter, a preschooler, is already displaying her manipulative ways.  Our son tries hard to please her but as he says, it's never enough.

I know I can't change her; I just need to know how to cope when she throws fits and criticizes and constantly tells us all what to do (sometimes in a manipulative, conniving way, other times just tells us.)

Her needs come before anyone else's... .

Most posts seem to apply to children or spouses; what about a family member by marriage that one has to deal with, without alienating... .does this book give concrete examples to help?

This is a classic and the first book I read on the subject. I think this is a great first book for people to read. It named and validated many things in my relationship with my uBPD

We are trying to figure out WHICH book to purchase and start with.  SWOE from the 1990's or the later one from 2008?  We purchased the workbook and intended to buy the original one but noticed from a post on the web that the original one is out of date and that the later one is recommended

Hi vickeythomas

I would probably suggest the most updated version, although I think the concepts are a bit outdated now.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells.80

They are more similar than they are different. The revised one has new info about treatment and that kind of thing. Most of what we did when we revised it is make it easier to read and absorb by formatting and call outs and lists.

Validates my breakup. Very well written and easy to read/understand.

This book found me.  I was avoiding going home one afternoon as I'd been walking on eggshells for weeks and had been feeling quite ill about my situation.  I stopped into a thrift store that I'd seen on several occasions and as I always do... .I looked at the book racks.  They had a special... .6 for $1.  I couldn't lose.  As I browsed the titles, this book screamed at me!  Yeah... .I'm kidding, but after picking it up, I had a difficult time concentrating enough to find 5 more books!  I went home and read... .and cried... .and read some more.  The information gave me the impetus to search further and I found this site.  I'm grateful... .without a doubt, I'd still be feeling empty and sick to my stomach had I not been gifted this book through some divine intervention.

I didn't give the book an excellent rating as I don't have anything to compare it to and don't have enough knowledge on the subject to determine if the advice is sound, but I really question some of the thinking.  Once I do a bit more exploring, reading and research... .I may change my mind.

Yes it has been. Contact thru new harbinger site.

I read this one recently.

Good:

  :) Explaning the crucial difference between high-functioning and low functioning. Many internet resources focus on low-functioning pwBPD and people that have really obvious traits.

Learning about high-functioning made me feel sane, and explained my secret little situation where no-one else sees this side of them seeing they function pretty well with people they aren't close to.

:) Caring and considerate way of describing pwBPD, covers needy types that are not really covered on the internet. The internet often focuses on people that have been jilted or painted black by some raging pwBPD. I admit this is what is happening with me. However, there are many people with BPD that are nice, caring, have empathy and their biggest traits are the loneliness, depression, and self-harm.

Those pwBPD don't need any extra stigma, and the loving way in which some things were explained was good.

:) Explaining the impact it can have on someone without BPD--this made me feel sane again. I felt all these symptoms, and was starting to think I was some kind of Waif myself. I have lost esteem, depression, lost energy, lost friends. Pretty lonely.

I felt like I am pathetic.

Hearing this is the usual case when someone is in this extreme relationship was comforting.

:) Led me to this website.

 Does really give enough solutions. I feel this website where you can ask specific questions is a better resource for solving problems.

The book is really a good starting ground and great way to get clarity.

Once again. I am looking for someone who speaks Polish to talk to my Mom abut the disorder. There has to be somebody out there... .  

Hello Ring of Fire,

It must be very frustrating to have to translate things or find translators.

I have google translate on my laptop.  Is this something that might help?

There is also one called translationbuddy that can be added to a toolbar.

Does your mom use the internet at all?

No,she is very old. Thank you for your suggestion but I would have to translate  the entire "Walking on Eggshells" book.

That stinks

Could you print off translated info from online and mail it to her/give it to her to read?

Go onto alegro polish ebay get it there menu sysyem same as ebay uk.Use kup teraz for buy now .

NPJ-That was an awesome idea and exactly what I was looking for! Thanks,you helped  a lot.

This is a little off.

https://youtu.be/85_eYftuv0k?t=1m59s

SoS

After listening to the speakers at the BPD talk that was held by the NEA, I am starting to feel that the ONLY people who could avoid getting hurt from the interactions with pwBPD are their therapists!

It seems that only the professionals who are in practice in the field of counseling/ psychiatry are equipped with the cognitive toolbox to suspend sentimental judgements, dodge their push/pull maneuvers , splitting and  emotional dis-regulation... .

For you guys who have viewed the relevant video links, what are your thoughts on the subject?   

my thoughts?  that even the therapists sometimes get hurt!  did you know that the protocol of DBT is that even the therapists themselves have a therapy meeting once a week to i guess decompress from all the BPD drama in the DBT setting?  so yeah, even the therapists need to be supported by other therapists b/c even they are susceptible to being hurt/manipulated by pwBPD.

gosh i even remember seeing someone post here saying they were a therapist and had been/were in a r/s with someone that ended up having BPD.  the therapist didn't even spot the BPD before it was too late!  and she was caught in the same painful web as the rest of us laypeople are. 

looks like no ones gettin' out unscathed.   :'(

It's a good post break-up book.

I loved SWOE back when I first read it. I feel like it resonates and validates my breakup a bit more.  

It also really described BPD symptoms and behaviors from a non-BPD point of view, as opposed to just giving you the 9 criteria and going from there.  The interactive nature of the workbook allowed me to conjure examples of specific behaviors my exBPD had that relate to the 9 criteria.

I would like to know whether there is any difference between the 1st edition (dark purple cover)

and the 2nd edition (light pink cover)  of Stop Walking on Eggshells?

I heard that it was not useful for a parent a BPD adolescent/child ?

Thank you very much

Deborah

I only gave a mark of fair as the book is more valid for people exciting a relationship. That said there is a lot you can learn from it about your exs behaviour and your role in it. I have shown this to my uBPD exw when discussing my exgf and she seemed to have a lightbulb moment when reading the dsm.

I have also leant it to my exmil and a friend who thinks her mum has BPD. They have all thought it interesting and useful.

Came across this the other day... it’s all her, eight hours worth of audio... .

https://m.you.tube.com/watch?v=5QY4JZJonCs