BPDFamily.com

Your kids grow up. They have to start taking responsibility for their own actions. They have to suffer the ups and downs of life. We have to detach with love. We have to love them from a distance sometimes. We have to look for the middle ground. We can be there but not too close. We can pray for them but we can't fix them. We can help them sometimes and not others. But how in the hell do we stop worrying? I know that it is partly about having faith in God. I learned a long time ago in Al-Anon that my son has a God watching over him. But I am always second guessing God, especially when my son is suffering. Is my worry codependent or is it normal? I really gets to me sometimes. Is anyone else out there a worry wart?

I think it is normal. Totally normal.

But I think we have to work at trying to change our mindset when it starts. I saw a sign one time that said, "Worry is a misuse of the imagination." That's really true if you think about it. Sure, as moms of BPDs (and especially as grandmothers of their kids) we have more cause for worry than some. I still think we can do a lot to keep the day to day stuff in check.

Fortunately for me I have a lot of first hand evidence that when I try to fix things or orchestrate an outcome, things run amuck or at the very least do not improve. When her situation was at it's absolute darkest, and I saw no way out, something happened to bring about a much greater outcome for my daughter than I could have conceived. It definitely took some time, but eventually her life took a major turn.

It is now much easier for me to trust that God has infinite wisdom and His plan is so much better than any that I could ever bring to fruition. (No matter how many sleepless nights I could spend unable to turn off my mind.)

Sure, I still have to fight the worry at times, and there is always concern. But I have so much more peace than I used to. I can quelch those thoughts pretty quickly. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to quit trying to take the problems back when I had given them to God. I was so guilty of doing that over and over again. Give them to Him, then trust Him to handle them.

Butterfly,

I think worry is codependent, and it's a problem I have been dealing with for years. It can eat away at your pleasure in life, and is part of your living for another person and not for yourself. If there was a simple answer I would follow it (and share it with you!), but it seems that seeking support, reading on the topic and staying in the present moment are helpful. Recently, I read a book called "Reframe Your Life" by Stephen Arterburn. It's a Christian book, but not overly filled with scripture. It's helpful for people who are dealing with emotional pain which they cannot seem to get past. After reading it, I did find that as I went about daily life, I seem to be more involved in what I am actually doing, rather than spending my time going through the motions while imagining what catastrophes could be happening in my bp daughter's life. Time seemed to slow down a little as I was experiencing each moment more and not living in my head. It hasn't cured the worry, but I think there is some hope, and am trying to go in that direction.

Joyful

GUILTY here! I worry and I always try to 'fix it'   Now is that really being codependent when it is about loving and wanting the best for your child especially when there is suffering around physical and emotional issues?  You name it and I have tried it and  researched it!  Everything seems a 'damn if you do and a damn if you don't' situation.  Seems like we are felt to be failures or wrong when there isn't resolution from physical and emotional trauma and pain.  I can not abandon my child when they are ill but I will always be open to anything new or accept I have gone at it the wrong way but I will never quit on my child, myself or my family.  Unfortunately, that still leaves me worrying.

Am also a worrier. I worry about my d all the time. I try not to worry so much but I can't help it. I worry about her mood, whether she will self harm again, her future, etc. I try to take one day at a time as I know it's no good for my own mental health. It's hard though not to worry.

I think it is natural to worry about our children, we love them and want good things for them.  How you deal with the worry, does it keep you from living your best life?  That is the problem, at times I have been stuck in worry and frustration and guilt, etc.  I now know that I can only control my own life and emotions, I still worry, but I try not to let it take control of me. 

Skills I use to stop the dialogue in my head that keeps me worrying:

Mindfulness, staying in the moment, not predicting the future based on one incident or even a cycle of dysfunction. 

Positive self talk, focusing on what I have the power to change, reminding myself that my daughter is intelligent, creative, resourceful, and resilient.

Stand on the promises of God that I claim as my own, asking God what He wants me to learn from this (not why it is happening), acknowledge that He is in control and is shaping and molding my child and myself through challenges while holding us in the palm of His hand.

Lather, rinse, repeat as often as necessary.

lbj

*hi*

Welcome Butterfly Girl,

Good to see you again.

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