BPDFamily.com

When Not To Start a Relationship

By Dr. Margaret Paul

 

Have you recently lost or ended a relationship or are you recently divorced? Are you thinking about dating again?

Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time to start a new relationship?

Here are some questions to ponder:

1. Are you fully over your last relationship, or do you still have hope of reconciliation?

If you still fantasize about getting back with your partner, then you are not truly available for another relationship. Is there really a possibility of reconciliation, or are you making up the possibility? If there really is a possibility, then it is certainly not time to date. If the relationship is really over, then you need to fully accept this before moving on to another relationship. As long as you are in denial about the relationship being over, you are not fully available for another relationship.

2. If your partner has died, do you feel ready for a new relationship?

If you had a loving relationship with your deceased partner, then any time you feel ready is fine. You already know how to have a good relationship, so there is a good chance of having another good relationship when you feel ready for it.

3. Have you fully explored your part of why your relationship ended?

When a relationship goes on the rocks, it is because each partner is contributing to the problems. It is always fairly easy to see what the other person did that caused problems, but much harder to see what you did.

It may be necessary for you to have therapeutic help in understanding your end of the relationship issues. I have been working with individuals and couples for 40 years and I have seen that people tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships over and over unless they do some healing work. Even if, at the beginning, a new relationship looks different from your other relationships, there is a good possibility that it will end up the same.

Most relationships create a system with one person being a caretaker and the other being a taker. These roles can switch in different relationships and around different issues. Unless you heal your tendencies to be a caretaker or a taker, you will continue to create relationship systems that don't work.

Underneath all relationship dysfunction are control issues. Whether you control with anger, righteousness, blame, judgment, compliance, resistance, or withdrawal of love, until you heal the fear underlying all controlling behavior, you will continue to create relationship problems.

This does not mean that these issues need to be healed before starting a new relationship, but it does mean is that you need to be in the process of healing to have a chance at a good relationship.

4. Do you feel available for a new relationship?

Most people have two bottom-line fears when it comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the other or the fear of losing yourself. These are deep fears that start in childhood and may continue throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully emotionally available in a relationship.

These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection.

Again, these fears do not need to be healed before starting a relationship, but unless you are in the process of healing them and continue to do healing work within a relationship, there is a good chance that you will recreate another unsuccessful relationship.

A relationship is a wonderful arena for healing and growth when both people are devoted to learning to be a strong loving adult. If you are on a devoted healing and learning path, make sure that your new partner is too!


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Ok, so for many of us this has been a very difficult process and we've sat back hurt and alone and watched as our BPDSO has quickly moved on to the next conquest.  But, now for those of us who are out and healing, how do we know we are really ready to start over?  Have we done enough self work to make us ready for another chance?  Are we still carrying too much baggage?

Are we truly ready... .can we give this new relationship what it deserves to work?

Thanks for posting this.  I think/hope that participation in this bpdfamily.com site will have profound influence on my future relationship.

  For instance, some of the "red flags" that may be different for each one of us.  I've had a crush from a far on someone for several months now.  This past week, I saw him challenged by someone younger, more vulnerable and saw him react inappropriately(publicly) and with anger.  Under the context of the conflict, I have no doubt that he apologized to her soon after the incident. 

Still, I know that my boundaries are still muddy and I could easily slip into the whole "walking on eggshells", anticipate conflict so as to morph into someone who tries to avert it... .not at all healthy for developing intimate relationships.

On the other hand, it's hard to work on relationships when you don't have one  ::).  Hmmmm, more points to ponder.

Great article.

So much baggage gets carried from relationship to relationship.

I'm a firm believer that you can't have new beginnings

until you are done with your endings.

And "done" doesn't just mean not having feelings for

a person anymore.

It means "done" with the dysfunctional dynamics that made the

relationship fail in the first place.

when the other one is still chasin you around... .lol

We see so many stories of jumping from their BP to someone else problematic.

So, looking for some tips, I came across this in an article in Psychology Today... .it related to Life after divorce, but, it al holds true even if you weren't married... .



Fortunately, it is possible to avoid these and other pitfalls when seeking out a new partner. If you're ready to get back in the saddle again, here are five key tips to help you on your way.

Develop A (New) Support Group

It's natural to turn to old friends for support. They know and care about you, and they typically have your best interests in mind. But more often it's new friends who will better help you adjust to your new life. That's because friends shared with your ex often unwittingly take sides, and either alliance can prove a hindrance when introducing someone new into your life. Old friends may lack the proper interest or compassion, and they may even be jealous of your newfound freedom.

"My divorce split our extended families and friends," says Yolanda of her and her ex-husband. "But my new friends had a fresh perspective that helped my self-esteem. Those who were single had confidence that was contagious; that really helped me when I started going out again as a single person. And sometimes they offered good advice."

Do use discretion when listening to others' words of wisdom, advises Broder. "Solutions that worked for a friend may be a disaster for you. If you don't want advice, be assertive and let people know that advice giving is off-limits unless it's requested."

For the most part, however, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery process. "Facing things alone can take a toll on you," says Broder. "Friends can help you see that dating doesn't have to be so serious."

Assess Your Self-Worth

People with low self-esteem tend to create relationships with others who evaluate them negatively, suggests one study on self-concept done by William B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of Texas psychology professor. If you're suffering from a negative self-image, it's vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept.

Begin by making a list of your positive qualities, then hang it in your home where you'll see it regularly, suggest Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M. Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you to work on clearing up any discrepancies between your self-image and the real you. Broder also recommends making a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you'd like to incorporate into your thinking system. Read aloud these new self-concepts often, regardless of how you're feeling, to help solidify them in your mind.

For Yolanda, a brief relationship five years after her divorce made her realize she had to adjust her mind-set. "I felt ashamed about all of the times I'd say yes when my answer was really no," she says now. "The consequences were painful, but I didn't believe I could completely change the pattern. Then I took the advice you hear about in 12-step programs and turned it over to God—my higher power. Moving forward and forgiving myself became easier."

People who feel victimized after a break-up may do well to develop a bold—or even defiant—attitude. Psychologists at the University of Washington and Canada's University of Waterloo recently found that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood. "When you feel defiant you become excited, confident and ready to take action," says Broder. "You take care of yourself, making it pretty clear that you are not going to be ruined by divorce. It's a very healthy thing to do."

Plan Activities

You won't find a new mate—or even a new friend—while sitting on the couch, your television on, curtains drawn. Consider your post-relationship time as an opportunity to do the things you couldn't do while you were with your ex. Create a list of 20 activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, then give the list a second look. "Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they cannot do if they're not in a relationship," says Broder. "Be active; don't feel like your whole life is on hold."

Today's singles are finding luck—and love—in nonconventional ways. After her 17-year relationship ended, Lili*, a 43-year-old writer, re-entered the dating arena by joining a telephone dating service. Instead of meeting men for dinner, she invited them for daytime walks in a well-populated park. "They weren't dates; they were interviews," says Lili, who admits that taking the first step was difficult. "If I liked them, we went for coffee." Laura*, a 49-year-old financial adviser, also missed companionship after her 24-year marriage dissolved. "I don't sit with problems for very long," she says. "I knew what I wanted and went after it." Laura joined an online dating service and eventually met her soon-to-be second husband.

Joseph Walther, Ph.D., an associate professor of communication, language and literature at Troy, New York's Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, found that people who use Internet dating services such as Match.com may achieve more beginning-stage emotional intimacy than they do in face-to-face situations. Single surfers don't have to worry about common first-impression concerns such as bad-hair days and wrinkled clothes, Walther points out. Plus, they don't see body-language cues such as shrugging and smirking that can create barriers in communication. Currently, cyber researchers believe that as much as 33 percent of friendships formed online eventually advance to face-to-face meetings.

Curb Unhealthy Cravings

When we are in emotional pain, our feelings often don't coincide with our intellect and instead manifest themselves as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually plague people who have zero tolerance for a single lifestyle and want to jump into a new relationship as soon as their break-up is final. Also susceptible are individuals with low self-evaluation who are convinced they can't make it alone. Fortunately, while such cravings may feel overwhelming and unavoidable, Broder asserts that they don't have to be.

Take Julie*, a 42-year-old college student in Southern California whose need for immediate passion led her to make decisions despite intuitively knowing they were unwise. "I kept going out with men who did not have the potential for a long-term relationship," she confesses. "One had problems with his ex-wife, another wouldn't marry outside of his religion. After getting hurt many times, I finally decided to be more careful when choosing men. I'm still prone to my old behavior, but I'm more apt to say no to men who are a poor match for me."

To short-circuit cravings, Broder suggests doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unwanted tendencies and ask that he or she invite you out when you fall into bad habits. And consider keeping a journal of the things that successfully distract you from your urges, such as renting a funny movie or going for a long walk, that you can turn to the next time cravings crop up.

Prepare for Pitfalls

Certain times of the year—holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, for instance—are harder to navigate than others because they are loaded with expectations and memories. After a separation or divorce, social configurations change, making feelings of loss and loneliness more intense. Perfectionists tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to Broder. High expectations lead them to dwell on favorite memories of their past and compare them with current situations.

Garrett*, an optometrist in his mid-40s, remembers that his first Christmas alone was a tough one. "Weeks prior to the holidays were extremely difficult because the traditions were highly disrupted," he says. "Not being in my own home and not having a closeness with someone was difficult, and I felt very much afraid of not finding someone again."

To cope, Garrett stuck close to his family. "You stitch together the connections that you have," he says. "It was piecemeal and patchwork, but it was critical for me. I also looked for other ways to divert my attention. I organized a staff party, participated in a musical and cooked at other people's homes."

Garrett got it right, according to Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an associate nursing professor at Florida State University and an expert on stress, grief and trauma. Karioth points again to planning as the key to reducing stress and meeting new people. Don't be afraid to ask for help organizing new activities, and break tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed. Broder also suggests avoiding holiday comparisons and focusing instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones. "You'll get through, and then you won't fear it anymore," says Broder. "It may not be the best of your life, but it may not be the horror you thought it would be."

Ultimately, the best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. For some, getting into the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential. For others, simply trying something new or even uncomfortable works. You know yourself best, so trust your inner wisdom. If you are ready to find new love, take heart: More than 40 percent of weddings in America are remarriages. But don't feel obligated to rush into another marriage, either—the U.S. Census Bureau reports that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Now that you're single it's perfectly acceptable to remain so if that's what you prefer. As Broder says, "What you do with your life now is up to you."


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We all know that our past relationships are much more complicated to emerge from than normal, but, what do you guys think?

10 simple tips... .

1. Are you absolutely, positively, 100% over the last person you dated, your ex? If not or if there is even a question you may not be absolutely ready to date. Of course, you could give it a try, but don’t be surprised if failure is the result.

2. Is dating the right thing for you to do at this point in your life? We all know that you are pushed to do this by one person or another (parents, friends, etc.) or society in general, but is it what YOU want?

3. The point you are at in your life, is it conducive to you having a good relationship or treating someone the right way? Being ready to date is about being ready for the right person at the right time and you will not find them if you are not in the right mood to treat them right.

4. If you have the slightest idea that you are emotionally unbalanced at this time, be it for unrelated reasons or not, then you should think hard about this decision. Dating can be fun, but it can also scar others if you don’t have the right intention. Being ready to date is as much about them as it is about you.

5. Are you absolutely at a point in your life where you can be honest and completely truthful with the person that you are considering a relationship with? Being ready to date is being ready to possibly enter a relationship and that brings along with it some baggage. You better be ready to tell the truth if you are “ready to date”.

6. If you are among the throngs of people in America (and across the world) that are incapable of dealing with rejection then you are NOT ready to date. It is nothing against you and doesn’t make you a loser, but like it or not, you will be rejected by somebody, be ready.

7. What is your perspective in relation to dating in general? Are you ready to date to have someone to get physical affection from or are you ready to date to have a confidant? Make sure you are honest with yourself and others about your intentions.

8. Do everyone a favor and don’t date until you are absolutely sure that you can be serious with somebody. People go overboard with emotion and violence on a regular basis because of dishonest and foolhardy people messing with others emotions.

9. Don’t simply make sure that you are being honest with the other person you think you are ready to date, be honest with yourself. Are you dating to get affection or dating for something real? If you don’t know what you want then how will you know when you’ve found it?

10. One steadfast and easy way to end a relationship in a hurry and ensure that you are not ready to date is to date with no confidence. Don’t be confident to the point of arrogance, but understand that if you are constantly worrying if your look or personality is good enough…it won’t be. Nobody wants to be with a pathetic drag, don’t be that person, if you are that person then you are NOT ready to date!

i LOVE the 10 simple tips. everyone should read and implement them. there is nothing worse than dating someone who is not ready to date. it causes so much confusion, frustration, irritation, and hurt feelings.

i think a good indicator of knowing if you're over your ex or if the person you're dating is over their ex is how much time is spent talking about them. i don't know about you, but there are so many other fascinating topics of conversation to cover and i'd rather explore those, as well as create new memories.

Does luck ever come into play?

I feel like the greatest genius in hindsight... ."Oh, it was never going to work with so-and-so because of such-and-such, blah, blah, blah."

But when under the bright lights of a date anything could happen.

What might sound like not being ready could just be nervousness. What could seem like aloofness is just distraction. A bad day at the office could seem like negativity. Maybe you're not on your game that date. It happens. If it "works out," then it's funny. If it doesn't, then it's "all of the good ones are taken."

It's how all the forces combine on a date that sometimes lets you know whether you are ready or not. If you get lucky and it works out, then you were ready. If it doesn't, then you could feel as though you weren't ready.

Something simple like having a weird laugh could be a dealbreaker or endearing. It could all just be the luck of the draw. Sometimes when we think we're not ready we actually are. There just might not be someone worth being ready for.

And, FWIW, I don't know of anyone at this board who didn't get unlucky in being with someone with a PD. Whether we consciously or subconsciously choose to have the unfortunate experience makes no difference. It's what the relationship turned into that counted. We took a chance. It didn't work out. We continue to take chances, but it will work out one day.

And when it does... .everything will make sense. We'll think we had to go through all of this in order to be with this special person. We had to be reborn in order to know the difference between a sane person and an insane one. And now that we've found a sane person to be compatible with, that has made all the difference.

--J

Call it luck, fate, karma, destiny... whatever... .but, what is meant to be will be... .

Knowing what we know now has prepared us for what is (hopefully) to come.

And FWIW I hope you are right Jeffree... .

ive rethought this... .

i think you reach a point were you stop doning all the things that hurt... yourself...

like looking for her car,,,,or playing that song... .

a couple of months ago ... .and this may sound stupid... .i deleted any possible phone numbers,, that could bring me back... even friends that were to close to the relationship... .

then i hit the i pod... .took out the songs... .you know the songs... .

any last thread i cut... .like it never happened... .yea in my mind it happened... .but there is no physcial evidence... .even sold the harley... that one reminded me of her.

i was the cleaner... .i wiped out any link ... except my mind ,,,

i even went on dates to the places... .and you know the places... .yes i used dates... .to sort of feel out the floor to see if it was solid enough to support me... .

some might have something too say about this... .but it worked for me...

so i sifted... .it is dating... .i wasnt looking for a realtionship... .i was looking for smiles fun conversation... .

i was so programned  ... .i had to reboot... .and i did... .

and yea before i walked in with whoever it was... .i took a deep breathe... .dove in... .

and as soon as the person kissed me... .or put thier arms around my waist...

or just looked at me and smiled... .i knew

and i did this for about 3 or 4 months... .had fun met some great women some i dated more than once or twice... .and i learned about them... .some had said some things t spark a BPD thought in my head ,,, and that was that... .

and than you meet a person... .that makes it all go away... .and ths sad part is... .she doesnt know how instrumental she was to raising me up from the ashes... .

she asks questions,,, i give vague answers... .its not something i want to dwell on... .niot something im proud of... .it was stupid for the most part... .but it was what it was ... .

it was just a bad 4 years of my life... .i remember it... .but the memories only serve to protect me... .so my heart doesnt do the thinking... .my brain does now... .

and it basically tells me common sense things... .

tony

the sooner you can move on... .the sooner you could be happy... .

just my morning thoughts... .

I'm still working on the getting his name off things... .finally went and officially changed back to my maiden name, which is huge since I haven't had that name for over 20 years... .what a relief, but, what a pain in the ass... .but, it is cleansing anyway to rid myself of anything that reminds me.  I'm good now, probably ready for someone new, but, not really that motivated to find them... .

Am I ready to meet someone? I believe so. I keep getting closer to meeting a "good" one. They are getting better, yet at the same time I am getting quicker at weeding out the bad ones.

I am not willing to waste my time on making something that isn't working work. I am not going to be in the bad stuff to avoid the good stuff. I am pretty clear on what I am looking for. I am not looking for another fixer-upper. I have a life I like. It's not for sale. But if someone would like to join me and vice versa that would be nice.

Whaddabout you, Tone. Ready?

Honestly I dont know that ANYONE can take away the pains of the past, and it's an unfair expectation to have... .you'll only be disapointed.  Only WE can heal our wounds... .and we must do that in order to be open to someone new.

Dating in this day in age is just weird... .it's such a different world out there, and I've sure learned alot about what I DON'T want in a relationship... .I'm certainly older, hopefully wiser and I'd like to think that I'm still a pretty darn good catch... .

We'll see... .

Elph, I just got this from a friend this a.m.:

BECAUSE by TD Jakes

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are,

Doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be stopped,

Doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life,

Doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,

Doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level,

Doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is,

Doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now,

Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining, keep running, Keep hoping, and keep praying,

Keep being exactly what you are already. COMPLETE!

Got it?

--J

I believe it is true that when we go back out into that world of dating again many of us fear that we will be rejected and we also fear surrendering ourselves to another person. What is interesting is that it will take interaction with other people to work through these fears and uncomfortable feelings. I used to hate that term baggage but I have come to appreciate its meaning and a true indicator of where somebody is in their ability to move on with their life.

I remember looking at dating web sites and seeing quite often women stating they wanted a man who has resolved their past relationships and is carrying no baggage. Shortly after this I was told by a nice lady she couldn’t see me anymore for I was still carrying too much baggage and talked about my ex-wife too much. I felt insulted but after reviewing the time with her I could see her point of view. I though gee, she was the one asking questions about my ex and our marriage but ya I was the one who kept talking about it and didn’t keep my answers short and show a willingness to change the subject.

Yes, the old relationship is done for and you will never get together again and you feel the need to move on. Not a easy task for some who have lived through a battle for survival for years. The past has to be put in it’s proper prospective and having a bleeding heart that says you’re a victim won’t be welcome anymore. Dwelling on hatred and crazy things they did to over and over is a no no. A lot of times you can not surrender your true self to somebody you meet and date for awhile for you may have trust issues, we tend to feel insecure about our own vulnerabilities and can’t let others know about them for we don’t want to be used against us again. This part of trusting them means we have to trust ourselves first and be stronger than we were before. This also means we must be able to trust them in what they tell us too. Can you accept constructive criticism? Part of this sequence might entail you accepting blame over the past and letting them know it and you have remorse for your action. You can state you can learn from your mistakes.

One of the biggest killers of new relationship has to be a negative attitude, who wants to be around a negative person. I know we can feel positive and want to present a positive attitude to others but there are certain small words that can be said the will present that negative side of your thoughts that are hard to forget. You have seen it in others so just think of what they might be thinking about you when you make those slips.

If you are looking for a nice and caring person then you have to present yourself to them in the same manner. Dating is like doing a job interview, your filtering out the bad ones and looking for the great candidate to fill the position you have open. What you have to realize you are being put through the same process and you don’t want to be filtered out because of your past, you want to be on a new clean slate today.

You must be able to let the sun shine in upon you and radiate it back for others to see what a great person you are and they want to be around you. If you can shine you won’t be rejected and if you can shine with them the surrender will be mutual.

Truth is Lapdr/all - We all have baggage, we have the baggage of how we were raised, what we were taught about the world, about a higher power, about relationships... .we have the baggage of past relationships, hurts, joys, and the lessons we learned the hard way... .we all have it, it becomes a matter of whether or not we allow that baggage to slow us down, taint our expectations of others or if we can carry that baggage in a way that allows us to let someone else in.

Anyone who claims that they themselves do not carry some of their lives baggage is a liar... .we all have memories, scars, reminders that we carry throughout our entire lives.

I love what you said here... .shine on... .


For those looking at moving on to new relationships... .but, really even more important for those living in a bad relationship, hiding their light, walking on eggshells - please remember this!

Bumping this and updating...

I think I am more ready now than I have been for someone new in my life... .I have my baggage to be sure, but, I am finding myself more drawn to actually looking for someone these days.  I am happy, fullfilled within myself, feeling more positive about my life and the future and possibly having someone to share that future with.

I don't NEED someone in my life and I think that is KEY... .NEED is not LOVE and LOVE is not NEED... .

Although, the prospects after 40 in my area seem somewhat limited, I get the feeling the Universe has someone/something in mind for me and I'm looking forward to finding out what/who!

i think what it all comes down to if you say

i am ready let me go find someone to be with... .its not gonna work .cause you are looking...

for a replacement maybe? ... ., some one to fill the vacant spot... .?

some one who maybeeeeeeeeeee  has the parts you ex didnt have. but someof the parts your ex did have...

which is like running thru the streets yelling who is available to love me...

i think when the time is right... it happens like ... .well it just happens...

and this person... .make the rear view miiror  just dissapear...