BPDFamily.com

Expectations (Marriage) Can Lead to Disillusionment

Sheri Stritof, Robert Stritof

Are you disappointed because your marriage isn't what you expected it to be? Do you think other marriages don't experience boredom, loneliness, cheating, or lack of sex? Do you believe in a perfect marriage?

Do you think your spouse can make you happy? Are you thinking about leaving your marriage? Are you having thoughts of divorce?

Do you find yourself thinking "Is this all there is?" Is the sense of spontaneity and spark missing in your marriage?

Are you resentful towards your spouse? Do you feel like you are drowning?

Disillusionment in Marriage

This type of disillusionment in a marriage is normal. It is part of the cycle of romance.  The level of happiness doesn't change once you walk down the aisle. Problems won't magically disappear. Being able to make a decision to love and to move beyond the feelings of disappointment or resentment is a major key in having a long lasting marriage.

Paths to Disappointment and Unhappiness

False expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can make you happy, trying to read one another's mind, wanting to do everything together, losing your self, and wanting to have a perfect marriage are direct paths to disappointment and unhappiness.

Ways to Get Out of Disillusionment

    * Put yourself at the top of your to do list.

    * Make a decision to love.

    * Discuss one another's expectations about your marriage.

    * Ask for what you want.

    * Accept that your marriage isn't perfect.

    * Hug and kiss your spouse often.

    * Don't let anger take over.

    * Find out what's going on in your own life.

    * Don't be manipulative or allow yourself to be manipulated.

When is it Time to Leave?

What happens the above suggestions don't work? It may be time to leave your marriage when:

• There is physical or emotional abuse or serial adultery.



• There is sustained resentment, agony, pain or unhappiness and you have no more energy to fight for your relationship.



• You've mentioned your wants, which aren't unreasonable, and your spouse refuses to respond.



• You are more sad than happy in your marriage.

Wake Up Call

Continued disillusionment in your marriage could be a wake up call to you if you are taking your marriage for granted or if your marriage is in a rut.

Don't Forget the Positive

Marriage is usually joyous, fulfilling, and fun. Sometimes, in the midst of daily living, you may forget the positive aspect of being in a marriage relationship.


Sheri and Robert have been presenting workshops on marriage for more than 30 years. They have been quoted in the Chicago Sun Times and the Washington Post. They have also been interviewed by several radio stations including XM Radio and Dublin FM98. The Stritofs are the authors of an advice book, The Everything Great Marriage Book (http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Great-Marriage-Book-Relationship/dp/1580629628) (Adams Media).  The Stritofs both received post-graduate training in family ministry at Regis College in Denver.