BPDFamily.com

This poll is for any bpdfamily.com member who has become active - posting at least 10 times - and is willing to tell us what influenced your decision to become involved here.

The purpose is to understand what helps new members decide to become more involved, so we can improve the site and help more new members be comfortable here.  So our community will grow and thrive!

Thank you for your responses.

Since you ask for "other" to be posted below... .

For me part of it was reading before I joined and seeing how members interacted with each other.  There seemed to be a sense of camaraderie and community that I desperately needed and wanted to be part of.  Seeing members referring to previous situations, or joking with each other, it was apparent that many posters had emotional investments in others on the site.

Now, I stay involved because I have an emotional investment in many members and in this site as a whole.  It took a little time for me to find my footing, due to my own insecurities, but now I find myself being drawn here not just to share my own stuff but because I want to know who's joined and welcome them, and want to check in on my cyber-friends.

At first, I was looking for help or resources, but it is a difficult disorder to treat, so those were few and far between. But I kept coming back because of the support and understanding here. On other sites I regularly post on (they have nothing to do with bp or mental illness), people would say things about my situation with my d like "that kind of behavior would never be tolerated in my home" or "you need to be more strict with rules" or "a good spanking would straighten her out." All this did was make me feel worse about myself and our situation.

Once she was admitted to residential treatment, I felt as though other posters saw me as giving up, abandoning her or running away from her because I didn't want to deal with a situation that was my responsibility. One poster as much as told me to go elsewhere.

Here at least what I am going through is understood and I am not judged.

When I first found this place, back in 2007, it was by accident.  Trying to figure out my mother's behavior and truly, I felt all alone.  Being here has made me feel so much better and to know that I wasn't the only one out there with a mother like mine was such a relief.  As I read and asked questions and told my life story, I learned that her behavior wasn't my fault.  bpdfamily.com is amazing.

Having finally finding a cause to what I am feeling, and then finding out I'm not alone. This site provides Hope for a better day ahead.

THANKS TO ALL!

i actually spent months a BPD recovery... oopss... .

and they were great people ... .they bashed my ex all over the place... .then one day one of the mods... there redirected me... becuase they were getting too attached to me... .and were fighting...

i swear this is true... .

i showed up here after my exs t told me to run... .and i couldnt do that... .so i read eggshells... .became a poster... .

and the realization... .i wasnt alone... .and i found people i could talk to... .cause her family wanted no part of her, my family wanted no part of her... , freinds, they all ran... .

it was just me and my friends here... .

who got me to understand her... .

and mostly maybe got to understand me... .

tony

I came here because I needed validation that was I was thinking and feeling was happening to others as well. The problem was no one else could udnerstand and I go the typical you've got to move on and stop thinking about it answers. Those are great thoughts when you're completely healthy and your partner is healthy and it didn't work it out. However when it doesn't make sense and you gove from best friends and soulmates to nothing in the blink of and eye. I needed to have a more profound understanding.

I come back to offer my insight to others who may be still enmeshed or in terrrible pain. This is the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with and I still am crushed by it on a daily basis.

The other reason is that real sick validtion where someone who dates my ex after me comes here and rehashes their story and it makes it an ironclad lock that I was correct in my theory.

Like many people, I embarked on an internet mission to find out just what the hell was going on. I knew it was something. My wifes family members have a genetic history of "weird" behaviour. She also suffered terrible abuse in childhood.

This forum has literally saved me from becoming a zombie. A man who walks around and functions but has no sense of self. That is where I was headed.

I am not much of a computer guy. I've never before now communicated to others in this arena.

I can't even compare this to anything else. All I know is that I don't feel the need to. The people that I am meeting here don't have a face, or a real name but I feel a connection nonetheless. They are my BPD family and I love them

Amen to that! Every time I say prayers, I say a prayer for my bpdfamily.com family. 

When I first came here I was just amazed to find this whole world out there dealing with something that I could not really comprehend and close friends could not fathom either. Sometimes I take myself back to a time before the relationship started and think: if I had never witnessed this, would I either be interested or understand? I am sure the answer is no or not much. So the beauty of this is the sharing, the understanding, the support and knowing you are not alone.

The beauty of staying and engaging in this forum is that it takes you on a journey with others in the same boat. Looking back: in the early days it was a quest to understand my uBPDxGF, the way the relationship had developed, the predictability of the unpredictable behavior, the consistency of the chaos and crisis, the realization that no matter what I did it would never be enough. But as time progressed and I disengaged then it has been more of a quest to understand me. To focus on my needs and what I learned from the experience and where it can take me next. It doesn't replace what I do with my T but it augments it perfectly as a sounding board with a wonderful community.

I come back to share how I have benefitted with those who arrive here forlorn and seeking answers - and also to learn more. I plan to stay for a long time. It has been the biggest turning point in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Pugwash.

I found this place when I was looking for answers to my bf's anger problems. I found SWOE and knew that I needed more support and answers. I found all of that here, as well as some ideas and help in making myself stronger.

There were times when I didn't post, cause things were going good, but then all h@ll would break loose and I'd find myself right back here.

I realized then that I was still being reactive.

I was always one step behind him and he was still calling the shots while I asked "how high should I jump this time?"

Once that light bulb moment came, I realized I needed to be more proactive. I needed to have a plan and some ideas before sh$t hit the fan. I have learned so much about BPD, which influences my way of interacting with him now, but most important, I learned about how I could make changes  in myself to make things better... .

I came originally to the old Nook website, I think around 2003, because a psychiatrist had recommended I read "I hate you, don't leave me". In searching for the book, I also found "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so I ordered both.

I read both books (and so did BPDw) and in SWOE I saw reference to the old Nook.

I came and realized other people were experiencing almost the same behavior from BPD disordered spouses as I was. Ultimately, this site has helped me work through many situations I felt were impossible to deal with. I have found friends here, that I truly enjoy interacting with.

Cheers,

On_Parole

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most relevant reason:

I got quick responses to my posts. 8   

I got helpful ideas. 5

I got moral support. 1

I found good resources on the site, like articles and links. 8   

I felt good helping others.  10

I learned from reading other members' stories.  10

I felt less alone facing my problems. 7

Other (please tell us below.)

Validation.

Those of us having had disordered parental figures rarely have siblings from whom we can obtain support. The impact of BPD within families is the main reason behind this, too. BPD behaviors often cause children within the family to be pitted against one another - shattering the prospect of ever having a meaningful personal relationship in the future. So, many of us are left without an external source of support from people who understand our unique challenges. This site is the only place I've found where there are people who understand our situations because they've endured similar situations within their own families.  

My hubby took an od and i was desperate for some understanding, and maybe to relieve a bit of the guilt i was feeling. Having people who understood the fustration and anger i was feeling made me in turn feel less alone. Having worked in a mental health setting and facing the prospect of fighting on hubbys behalf to get the right treatment, I wanted to help others affected by BPD and those suffering with it to be treated fairer by the "system"which often lets down individuals and familys suffering mental health issues.  xoxo

Question: When you first joined here, what influenced you to become active here - posting and reading?

You may only select up to 8 options. 

  I felt good helping others.

  I felt less alone facing my problems. 

I picked only the two above. But actually I should only have picked the bottom one. I rushed in too fast. The fact is I joined to be less alone in working on my "stuff" (hoping the responses were suitable).  Then , because I did this I started replying to other members as it seems only right to give as well as take, like paying my dues & a felt need to care for those I am mixing with, in return. So I did not, despite what I said in the poll, join to answer people. I don't get a kick out of that. My first goal is for me & I don't feel bad about that. I've done my journeying to believe that is quite ok.

I find it very hard to be so alone in dealing with my issues. Even just talking to a wall can help  lol. But how great if I get a reply that gives me input that helps me be a bit less stuck or more healed!

It helps if the reply is worded in a pleasant & respectful manner as I have been traumatised by the opposite & the opposite can still cause me trouble. Conversely, it hinders me if a response on my topic (=my search for progress) is not for me - I'd really prefer not to get that sort of post as it gives me more stuff to work on & I am overburdened with that. If a reply is really pleasant, wow, that makes me get little joy bursts  |iiii.

Currently I am wondering... .Various reasons. My one post in which I shared some bad stuff recently really bottomed up for me https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=130758.0. Felt I got responses at the end that were so unembedded that I couldn't figure them out, & I got the big silent treatment BPDs are so good at & which as repeatedly caused me pain in the past - so I was triggered. Just at the moment I am still not able to really move on after that. Am over just sucking it up. Which is one reson I'm putting it out here. I'm just kinda thinking it over... .

For me being able to finally get some answers through the required reading. I did not know what I was dealing with. I just knew that my wife had left me for no legitimate reasons. It was an emense reliefe to finally get some answers. I like how easy it is to access information on the site.

I am still new to this community, but I feel for everyone on here.  I don't know what to say, but want to support those whose stories touch me.  Everyone seems so supportive of each other and I am thankful.  I hope to offer sound advice at some point as well.

Cag

I could not have said it better  than the the_411 did but  im really going through a rough time i have never felt so alone in my life and i dont think coming here is healthyright now for me be back on the flip side to help others. God bless you all

I joined because I want more information on this terrible thing that is taking over the life of my loved one, and I just want information and to help others-offer support and understanding as we both struggle.  Like someone else said-I just don't know what I am potentially dealing with and want as many facts as I can get so I can maybe see what needs to be done from an unemotional distance.  I want to be healthy and to be on my own -making my own decisions based on what I know about myself before I can handle someone else's problems.

I kept coming back for all sorts of reasons.  The site has a great deal of good material that I hadn't heard of before.  It was really helpful to have such a comprehensive reading list.  I also found that reading so many situations that were so similar to mine was somehow validating.  No judgement from other members and helpful ideas/advice were greatly appreciated especially in the beginning.  I also kept coming back and posting to sort of "pay it forward" and found that the more I posted, the more I learned.

The number one reason I kept coming back though has to be that here I found there was hope.  Not only was I not alone in this struggle, but there were some folks who were getting better and whose loved ones were getting better too!

They say it takes a  village to raise a child.  Well, this site is like a special village dedicated to living with the unique challenges of a person with BPD and supporting thier loved ones.

  I only wish I could have found it sooner.

pennifree

Initially it was desperation. I wanted to be able to explain why my dBPD acted as she did because i have a huge need to justify her. I spose i felt guilty to some degree and ftf relieved that to an extent with all the affirmations from others living in the same situation.Then i got addicted and couldnt get enough of the amazing resourses that are available here. I copy and paste onto notebook so i can print them to read over when i need to. I get encouraged when someone posts a desperate plea for help and then we can follow on as they succeed through their trial with all the family here giving them words of wisdom and even sharing their own experiences. Its like we are all behind them saying, "you can do it". It makes all the difference!

LIFE SAVING :)  neverenz

For me, the biggest thing was the sense of understanding that I recieved.  When I talk with my friends, family, and even my therapist, I just kept getting, "you can't live like this, just leave, you can't let him treat you like this anymore," which only made me feel hopeless and misunderstood.  No one was taking into consideration the reasons part of me wanted to stay and try, but I eventually gave up hope and thought my only option for happiness was to leave.  After coming here, just the few days I have been active, I can already feel the tight knit support of this community which gives me tremendous amount of strength.  I can talk about all of the things I hate about being married to a BPD, but then all the reasons I love my BPDh and there is someone (most people here) that know exactly where I'm at.  Thank you for giving me hope.

I have so much gratitude for this community!

I came here while reading the book Walking on Egg Shells and hoping to see more information and to confirm in my mind that my H does have/doesn't have BPD/NPD. I have spent much of my time reading links and learning more about everything it could be.  It is so there, but sometimes I still wonder if it maybe has been me and my own problems.  Same old story with me. I know I need to be here but I'm not quite sure on what level yet. I also suffer from social anxiety and find it really hard to even post without thinking people are judging me.  Sorry. J

 for me... well it was years since i really got involved with the BPD site i didn't think i needed it, but then decided i should check it out again years later my husband is undiagnoised BPD, i also thought maybe i could help others with my experience.  when i came on here his rages were four months apart to the day, now due to this site helpful tools i just forgot about other things like my husband being BPD  now his rages are like  far and few inbetween like months years apart , so actually by comming on here to remember my husband has bPD and checking  the site alot .    :) :) it reminds me and helps me cope. :) :)

I come here less and less all the time, but still need it so much, when I have weak feelings, like the past week or so, I have been no contact for almost 18 months, and haven't seen her, in 2 years, in fact just recently I looked her up on facebook, something I never did, as I am not on facebook myself mainly because of her, and when I look at her beautiful face, as her pure beauty was the first thing that grabed me the instant she said hi to me, in the middle of a casino in Las Vegas, I no the torment behind those eyes, and I never new mental illness could exsist this way, so this site truly has saved my life, and I send the link to friends all the time, only after they ask me, or mention something to the effect, this person is crazy  Thanks   bpdfamily bpdfamily.com!

I answered with four items... .moral support, helpful answers, not feeling alone in this and learning from other's stories. 

The site is extremely helpful and the member's here offer, IMO, great advice and support - something I am finding very helpful as I continue along dealing with BPD MIL!

I was sinking under the weight of all the questions that i needed answering. I found a lot of those answers here!

Eternally grateful, for the sites existence and the support of the bpdfamily.com Family!

Cheers  Hi!

Ditto to Hello Kitty - couldn't say it better or more concisely.

The first words out of my mouth when I found this site was "OMG I'M NOT CRAZY AND IT AIN'T ME!"    |iiii  

Saved my sanity MANY TIMES!  :)

Initially I thought I could learn more about BPD and help my ex, but through reading articles, asking questions, reading stories and being open minded I learned I was highly ignorant about BPD and highly misguided. Through the people and resources on this site I quickly built awareness and have reached a stage where I'm already moving on with my life. I honestly think, had I not found this place, this process could have easily taken months AT LEAST and would have had a lot of setbacks. I feel that I've learned as much as I care to learn now, but questions and feelings and doubts still pop up, and this is the best place I know to turn to. I also feel this place has helped me grow as a person, spiritually, morally and psychologically. I don't see how I can but if at all possible I'd like to help others here as well.

I came into a new relationship that included my BPDSD who was then 13.

I saw behavior that was inexplicable and bizarre. This quickly turned into worse and worse behaviors until I was mystified.

I found bpdfamily.com after she was given the dx, and posting and having members here say,

"Yeah, my kid does that too... ."

helped me feel better, not so confused.

That and her moving out... .

Thursday

It was great to find a place I could be open and honest about what was happening in my life with my DD25 and her recent dx of BPD (she was 23 at the time). And the replies were given in an open and honest way that was so validating of my feelings  |iiii - little judgement or criticism and lots of hugs  .

The resources hepled me so much to understand the dynamics of my family and led, over a period of months, to changes in myself that led to healthier relationships in every area of my life - not just with my DD. The whole FOG part was news to me, and was a first step in a good direction.

The giving back part was also important for me to validate myself -that I was growing and making progress. That taking care of my own needs, getting myself more calm, was OK and I could learn to not feel so guilty about it. That my story was actually helpful to someone else vs. being a bummer that no one wanted to hear (my family and friends were burned out by my story).

Big thanks for bpdfamily.com being here.

qcr  

for me, like everyone else, this site was an absolute godsend.

i dont think its an accident that i found it, though i found it by accident. my ex was diagnosed bipolar. so throughout the relationship, i attributed any and every 'crazy' thing to bipolar. in a lot of ways, that kept me safe, from ever being confused, thinking it was me, having my self esteem battered, etc.

when the (seemingly) sudden breakup happened, and she jumped in a new relationship, i was beside myself, and a basket case. not even so much due to the breakup, or her new relationship, but utter confusion, surreality/unreality, the traumatic nature of it all, and that everything about this went against my nature or what i understood to be normal. in other words, i always knew my ex was crazy. but i'd apparently underestimated the extent of crazy.

when some particularly crazy behaviors started happening in the aftermath (stealing, invading my email) my mother and i were googling various things about bipolar. my mother happened to abbreviate "BPD" (bipolar disorder). i can't recall what led us to even read about it. maybe we landed on a site that said "BPD" and we assumed they were discussing bipolar. i had heard of borderline personality disorder, but knew nothing about it. for whatever reason, we gave it enough attention for our eyebrows to begin to raise. this sounded a LOT like my ex. now granted, at this point, i was only reading lists of symptoms, but she had all but one, that i knew of. no real history of suicidal behavior. but a few things i could maybe consider "self harm".

things were starting to make a little more sense. and then we wound up on this site. and that opened up my entire world. i think i read the resource articles, things like "could it be borderline personality disorder", "surviving a breakup with a pwBPD" and, in particular, the evolution stages of a borderline relationship.

"  " to say the least. this had everything entirely broken down. i instantly added up so much. i was amazed, and still am, that far beyond just a list of symptoms and some particular behaviors, there are thousands of people who had my relationship, and could tell me all about it.

i continued reading, as did my mom. my mom discovered the message board, and started reading. as she read, i only became more certain. i remember she saw a thread entitled something like "the way they move on so fast is soul shattering". that night or maybe the next, i typed up my story, and i wound up having to continue it in 3 replies  lol .

i was particularly amazed that everyone on this board seemed so... .insightful, compassionate, intelligent, and supportive. you dont get that out of a lot of internet forums.

i checked off every box, because they were all equal reasons for me. during all this, i practically had no one but my mother. i never left this site. i read every thread. replied to every thread. all day long, and all night long, and certainly well into the morning. started posting at least weekly, mostly on my status/progress. truthfully, this disorder sunk in for me very quickly. i didn't have a lot of questions left. thats partially because as soon as i learned about BPD, i realized i had likely been with 3 others before this one. i had done more than enough comparing all of my exes, and trying to add seemingly silly things and coincidences up. to learn about BPD was the biggest breath of fresh air i've ever had. no. they weren't coincidences. even down to the fact that my previous two exes got mysteriously sick right before turning overnight distant and breaking up with me. how could such a thing NOT be a coincidence? well, welcomed to the world of BPD, i was. anniversary breakups were explained. my ex jumping in a new relationship was explained. i knew she had a hard time with being alone. now i knew. she REALLY. COULD NOT. be alone. mysterious ailments, being traceable to waxing and waning of my attentions. yeah, i could count them. i knew i was in the right place.

yeah, it made me feel good to help others. but it also boosted my confidence and self esteem, and reminded me of who i am. im pretty good at this stuff. i've always had a natural feel for psychology. i've always been the one people came to. and i had a fair amount of experience with different kinds of BPD. i would have others tell me they printed out things i'd said. of course that made me feel good. i would be embarrassed now, reading my old posts, knowing how naive im certain i sounded in the beginning. im afraid i tended to believe there was more hope than there appears to be. but i came to learn from others. most here have such a high level of empathy. whenever i had a pity party, i did get quick, positive, encouraging, insightful, and helpful responses. i felt like strangers were genuinely concerned for me. i always got good feedback from my comments. it sounds silly, but in a lot of ways, even though its an internet forum, it gave me an idea of how my personality interacts with others, and reminded me that people generally tend to like me. in many ways, i also found, when i was writing to/comforting others, i was talking to myself. i'd find myself saying things that i didn't consciously realize i thought, or, levels of acceptance i hadn't realized i'd reached.

and of course, i learned things about myself that i never imagined. and that says a lot, because im an introvert... .and i've spent YEARS getting to better know myself. this whole thing shined a light on things my mind couldn't comprehend. i've learned that thoughts, all thoughts, actually COME from somewhere, and can be traced. and sometimes, they can even be disguised. i would follow every troubled thought like a string, and see where it was coming from. i've realized the mistakes i've made in relationships. i've unfortunately realized i've never had a normal relationship. though im fairly confident i know what normal is, and would do fine in one, now i have to wonder. i realized i was shrugging off, and somewhat intimidated by normal, happy, healthy girls. i've tried to recognize my attraction as crazy as a BAD feeling. it may not ever go away, and thats fine, but i'll be damned if i get myself into this again. and all of this terminology. i feel like im now equipped with things most aren't.

so again, this site, and all of its members are a genuine godsend. i dont know what would have happened to me had i not learned about this disorder, and found this board. im eternally thankful. and i like to think i wont ever completely leave. it breaks my heart that every day, there are hundreds, if not thousands of people that are victims of this disorder. i wish i could cure BPD, but i can't, so i choose to follow behind it, cleaning up after it.