BPDFamily.com

Hi

My ex BF Has a long history of short but intense relationships.

I ve already read the article: 'how a borderline relationship evolves' and it gave me more insight in BDP s relationships.

But i was wondering if anyone knows more about the devaluation ‘stage’, when does it start, how do you recognize that, do they become suspicious to their loved one, do they become aggressive, do they need more attention from their friends then in the beginning stage of the relationship? Etc

What I noticed was, that, after 1- 2months, he (the BDP) suddenly needed more attention from others, friends, relatives and even new people (strangers), the attention from their loved one is not enough anymore at that stage.

Is devaluation a kind of, a dream that’s falling to pieces?

Is this correct?

Feel free to post your story and thoughts

Kind regards

Devaluation is when they suddenly behave as if they don't value you anymore.  They become inexplicably cool toward you for no discernible rhyme or reason.  And they seem to have no memory of how much they adored you yesterday.

They may be doing this as a reaction to feeling abandoned.  And they may feel abandoned at the *slightest* sign of rejection from someone.  It may be something as inconsequential as you showing up 10 minutes late for a date.  Or they might imagine you were paying attention to someone else in a sexual way, etc.  Many things can trigger their fear of abandonment.

They also typically devalue their partners at times when a relationship is becoming especially close or is about to move to a new level... .this also triggers their fear of abandonment.  Things have become too close, they become frightened, and they push the partner away.  Often, this response is an automatic reaction, more of a reflex, and not something to which they give much conscious thought.  And they truly can forget how much they cared about you yesterday... .they live very much in the moment... .and their mood of the moment is all encompassing, they can forget everything else.

Devaluation is usually a part of a cycle of Idealization and Devaluation.  They go back and forth between these two extremes of feeling for their partner.  This is the push/pull dynamic of BPD.  They devalue and push the partner away until there is too much distance... .at which point, they will begin again to idealize the partner and try to pull them back in. 

In my opinion, the devaluation starts when they realize that you can't keep all of their demons at bay after all.  When a person with BPD embarks on a new relationship, they count on that relationship to fill all of the emptiness, all of the misery that is inside of them.  When it doesn't work (as nobody can fill the internal emptiness of another person), the devaluation begins.  I'm not saying that this explains all of the devaluation for everybody with BPD, but I think it is a very strong element.

I suspect that is what drives it.

When a person affected with BPD falls in love, they see you very much the way the act, as a super wonderful human being.  You are their soulmate.  This relationship will fill their life and will finally make them feel loved and whole.

Depending how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is (that is how I was described) and how stressful their life is - probably determines how long it takes.

I think devaluation often takes place in waves - in the beginning they see you as wonderful 100% of the time, then 80%, then 60% - you get the idea.

We tend to feed these cycles.  When they first start to devalue us, we try harder... .and it works for a little while.

There is a very confusing period when your partner starts feeling their dreams slip away as you are reaching new levels in your love and attraction to them... .

Just some thoughts... .curious to see what others say.

Skippy

This is one of the truest statements about my relationship with my BPDso.The truth behind this lies in that BPD's (in my experience) do not push away those who are not close to them.  Why?  Well... duh, they aren't close and there is no need to push away.  Fear.  They don't fear abandonment from people that they truly don't care about.  If you weren't getting close, this wouldn't even be an issue.  Eventually, I learned to look at this as a good sign!

It's one of the few times you can say "He does it (whatever horrible thing the BPD has done) because he loves me." and potentially be right about it.  Within reason of course.  I'm not trying to be delusional, just trying to put a positive spin on it.

Incidentally, I when this happened to me, I was unaware of BPD itself but had an idea of why he was pushing away.  When I reacted with love to all his  horrid emotional/verbal attacks and all his attempts to distance me failed to make me bolt on him, he went REALLY haywire and became very confused.  No one ever did that before.  I went through a zillion defense mechanisms and moved several levels closer the whole time he was blasting me and I really had no idea what was going on.  He's in therapy now and things are going so much better :).  Good thing, but it was a total accident. 

Would it then be accurate to say that the more a person with BPD cares about/loves you, the harder the 'split', the further they will push you away?

'

i think that in a lot of ways, this is true for all of us, and certainly for someone with BPD traits.

an intimate relationship is a vulnerable one. when we are vulnerable, our fears (rejection, abandonment, engulfment) and sensitivities are heightened. more is at stake.

think about it. if i called you names, im just some stranger; it wouldnt feel good, but deep down, you dont care what i think. if a loved one calls you names, its personal.

i think generally speaking its the same for pwBPD, just more extreme.

Do we really believe this (the more they push us away the more they care about us) or are we just saying this to make ourselves feel better.

It makes me feel better but I don't know if i believe it

I miss her..

I am VERY familiar with the cycle of Idealization and Devaluation.

I am now getting it from my uBPDs30, but I used to get it from his father, my uBPDex.

My ex would go through the cycle within a single paragraph!

Interestingly enough, looking back at it I realize that it always started with idealization, then moved to devaluation.   It never went the other way... lol   

Before I knew about BPD and these terms, I used to say to myself "he puts me on a pedestal, keeps talking for a bit and then completely tears me back down and then down some more".

To me it was like the idealization was to make me want more idealization, to work for it and to want to be the best I could be for him so that I might keep getting more of these wonderful compliments.    When the devaluation started it was as if he was hoping for the opposite reaction, that I wouldn't want those things said and I would go back to wanting all of the positive comments and try harder to be the best pleasing wife possible.   

We did both come from backgrounds where the man was the "boss" and the wife was somewhat subservient.   Things went downhill when I became more recognized in our business, and started having my own friends my age (he was 23 years older than me).  He felt like he was losing control.

My ex would idealize me not only in private but also to our friends or business associates - later when he began the cycle of both idealization and devaluation it would also be both in private and in public circles.

Unfortunately for him it didn't work, but I have zero hard feelings towards him.  I feel sad for anyone struggling with BPD.   

I feel especially sad for my son who has had to endure the same cycles of idealization and devaluation from his father while suffering from various mental disorders himself.  How heartbreaking.

I also feel like the devaluation comes from desperation.  A desperate attempt to get back what they had.  I feel like it would be hard for anyone in a state of desperation to make good judgments.

When my son does it to me, I try not to let it bother me because I have empathy for where it comes from.

What is sad is that any logical conception of contemplating their future seems to be non priority to their emotional turmoil, perhaps their problem is too painful to mitigate, like committing to lesser of two evils decision. As a result they move from place to place and job to job or lover to lover. The only thing they can hope for is that they accept this reality willingly even if it has an unfulfilling or lonely end. This phenomenon is also applicable to non BPD people of our society as we see the largest group of single people in our history move into their senior years alone. This being the fashion, makes it easier for them to enjoy the ride since they are not alone, at least in the world of fashion or trends.

Is this a never ending cycle of idealization/devaluation.  Or once the devaluation starts there is no more idealization.  Basically I mean once they see you as "bad" do they ever see you as "good" again?