BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Lost at where to even begin to start the story, suffice it to say, it is a sickly mirror image of many stories I have read about BPD and Non's in relationships. *cringe*

My H and I have been married 5 years, together for 8 and I separated from him for 2.5 years as I could no longer take the abuse. At that time, I was convinced the abuse stemmed from the alcohol abuse and heaven's knows what... .but I was wrong.

Made the mistake/ joyful reunion 2.5 years later... .at which point it seemed that he actually 'got it'... .but such was not the case.

At present, I am the one in therapy... .and the therapist is quite clear:

1. Escape plan.

2. Short term escape plan

3. Long term escape plan.

... .and I am very sad.

My H outside of his paranoid denials and constant blame of ME as the cause of his horrific behavior... .is rather an amazing man. However... .I am beginning to wonder if I am being completely hoodwinked by my own desire to deny the obvious?

I went to therapy at the behest of my H, only to find out that he is most probably BPD and absolutely everything I have read to date... .confirms it. Will my H go to therapy? No... .as it is clear that "I" am the problem.

I am certain that the only reason the "relationship/ marriage" is still in existence is the fact that his work takes him away from me for months at a time. If I had to LIVE with him on a constant basis... .I think I would lose it.

My H is violent, abusive and down right terrifying when he flies into a rage. Where the Rage comes from... .I haven't a clue. He then goes on to punish me with nasty accusations, verbal abuse... .and I really can't continue with it .

When he lashes out physically... .I am sorry to say... .I lash right back... .I have put up with too much of his nastiness and ugliness for far too long... .and I snap. Getting physical with me, unleashes something altogether rather unholy in me. It scares me whenI go in that rage of my own.

I no longer cry. I can't feel anymore. I rage back... .it releases a great deal of the frustration... .and solves NOTHING. It's nothing but a Horror without End... .the horror I wanted ENDED when I left several years before and then stayed away.

In that time... .he 'says' he went to counseling for his abuse of me... .but I no longer am so certain, as he had lied about that sort of thing in the past as well. I think he may have gone... .but for how long is an unknown.

Right now... .I am LOST. I had no idea that he could be BPD and had not researched anything about it. Rather I was looking at the Abuser cases... .and they are not different in their effect... .but different in the fundamental etiology... .which is worse?

Feeling rather hopeless... .as my H lacks the insight to consider that he is responsible for his actions and choices at all times... .no matter what... .ALL is always someone else's fault... .when it is physically and logically impossible.

I was a "victim" only once... .after that... .it's a mental maze of chaos and emotions... .Why stay with someone who treats you like that? because they/ he is not always hateful and foul... .but when they are... it erases all the desire to want to try and make anything work. It becomes too painful and draining.

My H is very high functioning, and an alcoholic in denial.

He is also a Rage Machine without warning.

He can also be the most thoughtful, considerate, hard working man I have ever known.

How to walk the fine line? and keep my own sanity?

Natasha Tomicic

References: 1 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84593.0), 2 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=88532.0), 3 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218704.0), 4 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225681.0), 5 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341260.0)

Hello Natasha

What a difficult situation this must be for you!  I am sorry to hear about your husband's rages and behavior towards you.  He is obviously very ill but it is not a safe environment for you to be in.

Do you have children?  What are your wishes for the future, do you want to stay with him?  

We have a lot of information here for you.  Have a look at our articles, workshops and relationship boards, L2 to L4.  The support you will receive here will help you immensely and I hope you stay around!

Best wishes

Patty

 *hi*

 *hi*

I just really wanted to say hello first  :)

Aside from your length of marriage and separation, you are describing my husband completely. 

I am very new to this as well.  I also have begun therapy, in the beginning I thought I was the "problem" as well.  I just wanted to let you know that I have really found this site helpful to say the least, and I have found there are many others who go through this just as we are.  There are many wonderful helpful people here.  I have not posted much as I read a lot.  Your story just sounded all too familiar.

Anyway, I hope you find all of this site as helpful as I have found!

Hi Natasha and  *hi*


I'm glad you are in therapy.  That is one step in taking care of yourself.  There are many other steps but the first order of business is to secure your own safety (emotional and physical).


Something that you will learn as you improve your understanding of this disorder is that in order for your BPD H to appear as "an amazing man," he needs to persist with his "paranoid denials and constant blame of [YOU] as the cause of his horrific behavior."  For people with BPD, they PROJECT their issues onto those who love them;  your husband is mentally ill, and his mental illness manifests as severe dissociative behaviors; that is he cannot accept any of his issues or problems, so he chooses to PROJECT them onto you.  This is why he believes YOU are the one who is mentally ill.  He cannot or will not accept that of himself.  Nor will he have have any reason to do so, so long as you are present to project all his issues onto.

You may have some desire to deny the obvious, that he is mentally ill and he is an abuser.  But it is not uncommon for those who are abused to fixate on the perspective of their abuser -- it is a defense mechanism; see Stockholm's syndrome.


Perhaps this is true on your end.  I don't doubt though that HE NEEDS this "relationship/marriage" much more than you do.  Yet over the course of this relationship, you have grown more dependent of your situation while he may very well be looking for your replacement.


Fear is often used by people with BPD as a means of control, control of their non.  Fear, and also Obligation and Guilt.  We call it F.O.G.  You cannot think clearly while you are still clouded by F.O.G.  Another priority for you is to recognize the F.O.G. and start coming out of it.


Something you might not have noticed.  He rewards you when you validate his delusions.  His delusion is that you are the one who is mentally ill, not he.  And so if he can push you in a way that causes you to exhibit the problems, he in fact is experiencing a pay-off.  For it may not be enough for him to simply believe you are mentally ill.  He needs to shape his reality to his delusions.  You might be frightened when you react in rage.  I think he is quite pleased when you do so.

The reality, however, is that he cannot TRANSFER his mental illness to you.  In some sense this is what he is trying to accomplish.  But it doesn't work that way.  Instead, he will just wear you down until you are unable to function any further for his purposes, then he will replace you.  You must prevent him from doing so.  The only way for him to ever have any chance to get better is for him to face his own issues himself.  But his recovery is not even within your power to help him with, as you must help yourself.


You are feeling this way because you are emotionally overwhelmed.  You need to save yourself, the longer this situation persists, the longer it will take you to recover.


I don't think you have been walking that fine line.  And you are currently risking your sanity.  Please let us know how we can help you.  How do you think you can best be supported?

Best wishes, Schwing

Hi Natasha and Welcome to bpdfamily.com - First, let me offer you my sympathy and support - it sounds like you've had it really really hard - there are degrees of mental illness and its impact on relationships and yours does sound particularly tough.  Secondly, I think it's great that you lash right back and don't just take his abuse - but, as we all know, it can escalate and get very dangerous.  It is clear to me that you have to get out as quickly as possible.  Physical abuse cannot be tolerated or excused.  

There is so much to learn - the more you understand about BPD the more you will be able to depersonalize what's happened to you - at least to some extent.  Schwing has explained to you what they do is project - their behaviors and thoughts onto us - when mine used to do that to me, I would just stand there, mouth agape, that he somehow saw me doing what it was that he was doing.  It was shocking, in fact.

Your post was the inspiration for me to post here on the newbie Board Aussie John's Post - This I promise - look at it under  NEWBIES PLEASE READ.  It pretty much tell us in a nutshell the reality of our situation with an abusive person and how to take back control of our lives.  I found it immensely helpful and in fact, printed it and taped it next to my computer.  I read it often.

Stick around Natasha - the more you understand, the more you will come to understand that you are not the crazy one and that there is nothing you could have done to fix him or prevent his behavior.  They are too powerful.  All we can do is save ourselves.  Please feel free to post often - writing is very cathartic - and believe me, we never get bored reading them.  In fact, I never cease to be amazed by the commonality of experiences - and each time I read and write to others, it helps me as well.  You take care of yourself and make sure you are safe.  Carol

Hello Patty, nanabanana973, schwing and gertrude,

At a loss here... thoughts stumbling about in my head. Thank you for the welcome.

Patty: No kids. I would never bring children into an environment like this. That would be the worst irresponsibility I could ever do. They don't deserve that. My H already has 2 from his previous marriage. It's enough. Something he dearly wanted... .or seemed to... .but I put the Kibosh on that one after we reunited and less than two months later the same crap started up. Told him point blank WHY he could forget that thought... .he has never mentioned it since.

Do I want to stay with him? Yes... .if he can get a grip on reality. It's marginally better than in the past, not by much though. I can own my errors where I make them, but NONE of them have ever deserved the abuse he has dished out.

nanabanana973: Thank you for the welcome as well. Are you still with your husband?

Schwing: Cheers... .thanks for the analysis and brutal  eye opener.


SS... .I know the way it works... .and how to slip out of its grip. Once you SEE it and OWN it... .it's like whiplash out... .but need an escape plan first. 


*ouch*... .but I can see what you mean. Hurtful as that would be. He would stand to lose a great deal in that case. If he IS or should I have reason to strongly suspect infidelity,... .his world will crash on his head.

It is one thing to betray my physical safety... .in which I am very nasty and without limits driven to fight him back... .but it would be another to mess around on me. In that case... .he might not wake up. I've already gone over the\at line in my thoughts... .and sometimes in actions. The actions in Rage... .are not premeditated. They are reflexive. I know where they come from. Takes alot to get me there... .


I see what you are saying, all too clearly.  Valid point. I own that one. Obligation.

Fear: I fear for him... .as I won't stop. Told him very clearly... .I have to LEAVE him. I am capable of killing him. He pushes me past the point of no return. When he attacks me, all veils of civility and control are cut free... .I own that. I will not be disrespected by him in that manner.

Guilt: I feel no guilt over that^^^.


He is doing a fine job of it though... .


You're right... .and I don't know at this point.

My H insisted that I go to therapy as he had done so... .when we were apart... .but mysteriously his counselor is unavailable for me to confirm such... .?... .he travels all over the world. His work is such that we are often apart with brief weeks together.

In the past, his constant accusations of me cheating drove 99.99% of his rages... .somewhere along the line he let that go. It was beyond ridiculous how he tried to paint me as a ho. Needless to say. He now chooses other targets to hammer me with. However this last time he was here... .his drinking was quite the way to spend the evenings. As such a walking time bomb... .and needless to say. He went into one of his nasty childish vulgar rants. When I asked him if he thought that was normal behavior, He punched me. His reward was 11 stitches to the base of the skull... .I feel no guilt. I was worried that he may have been more seriously injured and went to the police and brought an ambulance. He kiced me out of the house... .I left. Then the calls started... .

Hello gertrude:


No... .I can't take the abuse. I don't and am not an abuser by nature. I am turing into one in self defense... .and I feel nothing. Terrible that it was necessary... but not guilty.

It's SICK!

So WHY do I stay?

He is the most supportive, hard working man I know. Always there for me. Always. Strange then that he would want to kill me,.,,I don't get it at all. He moved mountains and crossed the planet for me... .set his life up far away from all that he loves and knows for me. So why then destroy the reason? I never asked that he do so, nor demanded such. I am not selfish. Only that he be sure that this was what he really wanted. He assured me it was so. He has invested a great deal of his energy time and money in making this relationship 'work"... .but the problem is the way he THINKS and ACTS... .and others are aware and avoid him, he has no friends here. Only me.

Love is the razor's edge of insanity, I would like to keep both.