BPDFamily.com

I don't really know if my wife has BPD or not. A lot of things match up but I still have the uncertainty. Why is it important? I think it is always easier to deal with something if you know what it is. I do know her child was diagnosed with it and have seen how that situation developed 1st hand. Nevertheless, children and adults, males and females, different personalities will always come into play and manifest differently I think.

It's much more difficult to leave someone who is a caring nurturing homemaker, that I

see about half of the time. Then, if there is even a small amount of frustration or anything that does not meet with her approval a completely different character comes out. The verbal abuse is so vindictive and is said with such absolute conviction (name calling rages triggered by seemingly minor events) that it is extremely hard to withstand without being affected, even if you don't show it. Then, just as day follows night a wonderful dinner will be prepared and she will act as if nothing at all happened.

What is so baffling, at least with the female I am close to, is that these 180 degree changes can take place within a few minutes, like a lightning bolt, then revert back to seeming normalcy just a quick with no apparent understanding of what abusive verbal damage has been done. Sustaining a decision to stay or leave is difficult under these circumstances. If it were all, or even mostly one way or the other the choice would be much easier.

Has anyone else seen this volatile instantaneous personality change from their BPD female? There seems to be a very low tolerance for any frustration, a major contol issue, and anyone who does not abide by "the rules" is the lowest possible scum on earth. That would be me a good deal of the time.

Thanks so much.

I think once they spew the rages all over you, THEY feel better. And they have no clue how YOU feel after being spewed upon. Like "what is wrong with you"? Because you are reeling from the abuse. They are ready to move on (until the next rage).

Read more on this site, the white papers and articles, and I think you will understand!

Yeah, that sounds like what most of us have had to deal with regardless of the exact diagnosis.  I'm sure you'll find some help here.

lurchlookalike You're in the right place.

Thanks so much for your responses.

This is a very chronic conditioning existing for years. Splitting into all good or all bad is also quite noticeable, more or less extremes in perception of situations and people with not much (if any) middle ground. Abandonment, yes at 1st but now it's almost as if she taunts me to divorce her. Also, many many unreasonable fears so that appears to be almost the opposite of risk taking (at least physical risk taking). I take on many more physical risks but am reluctant to take on emotional or psychological risks. That's probably a significant fault for me, and likely one reason why I'm still married.

Thanks again for your kind responses.

lurchlookalike: 

I wonder if you have read the DSM-IV criteria that clinicians use to diagnose BPD--I suggest that you do read them for information--however, I say this with a caveat.  While it is good to have information about this disorder when you are researching as to what may be wrong, please understand that it is not good to actually diagnose.

My recommendation is for you to read the stories/experiences of people on several boards here... .it will give you valuable insights and information.  We are here to support you.  I think that the first step towards any solution is acknowledgment of a problem and you have taken this first step.  Please continue to post and please feel free to tell us more.

Best Regards:

AMG:  Using 'Reverse Psychology" is a well established behavioral modification technique.  It is not a sick game.  It is actually very frequently practised both by parents (yes, it works--everytime I tell my daughter she can have as much candy as she wants but is not allowed to complain about toothache due to her cavities, somehow her response is --No Mom, I don't want to have any candy, give me an apple instead... .) and by clinicians. 

Let us not forget that BPD's are adults who are emotionally children--using this technique is definitely NOT wrong from a moral perspective.

Understand that behavior modification is not unethical or immoral when your aim is to help someone.  This is not manipulation because your objective is to give BPD's coping skills... .you are preventing them from making self-destructive decisions, whether those decisions are small or large... .

Pall, thanks for that insight. I guess I felt like i'd be manipulating her if I did that. If I ever talk to her again I'll try it. :) Thanks.

Yeah. That sounds pretty familiar.

I would never know when the rage was going to come or when the yelling would start. And yes. The worst part was that it would happen and then the next hour or the next day, it was like nothing happened. She would be chirppy and cheery and wonder why I was acting so weird. She used to say that my behavior was just so odd. She thought I had bipolar disorder (I don't). I think what she was witnessing was the fall out from the verbal and emotional abuse. Yeah. I bummed me out. Super bad. So I would be depressed because of what happened. She would look at me with such concern, like there was something horribly wrong with me when in reality, I think my reaction to the situation was probably a lot more normal (short of just walking out the door and never coming back... . which would have been even more healthy). She could just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. She even told me as such. That was her coping mechanism. It wasn't to talk about it and try to resolve it. Talking about it never worked. Ever. She would always say: 'Can we just start over and press the reset button?'. And then boom. It was done. Like it never happened. Very unsettling to say the least.

johnnyorganic

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm

It's very interesting to me that as much as there is almost eerie similarity of my own story to so many others, yours in most ways does NOT remind me of my exBPDgf...

I can't easily remember any rages or uncontrolled outbursts... in fact the exact opposite... WHen mine gets angry, she gets quiet and as I get madder, she gets colder... ice cold... and almost never out of control... She is more like some ice cold assassin, delivering blows that are perfectly executed to hit me where it hurts and yet with no emotion and few would even know anything happened when she would do it and I would always be the 'crazy' one...

I would almost welcome rage and verbal abuse that anyone else could see as it would be that much easier to walk away.

(i think! but doubt it!)