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My uNPD father has always done this and I wanted to see if anybody else out there has similar experiences. Gives you space to vent, people, if you need!

Am late 30s and since my early 20s anything my father bought me (okay, the fact that he bought me anything was actually pretty rare and usually meant he wanted a favour, but let's skip that bit for the moment)... .

Anyway, since my mid-20s, *every* gift he's given me has been weird or broken or inappropriate in some way.

Examples:

* an old, old laptop computer, which still had all his files on it, including his business files about clients, personal diary/journal etc(ick! stumbled across it as it wasn't labelled 'journal/diary' and boy was I out of there fast; and gave computer back to him saying I would wait until he'd had time to remove his files as felt uncomfortable having access to what should be secure information; his idea was that he would use what was now 'my' computer as a backup for his business stuff, which of course would mean he could dip into my files while using 'my' computer! No way!)

* when I was early 30s, a really thick, junky glass cat that was on a plastic base; you were supposed to turn on the switch and it flashed from purple to green to whatever. A 12yr old female friend of mine thought it was great but that was the point - it was a gift for a kid.

* Christmas 2009: an outfit for a 7yr old child, bought on an o/s trip. Okay - is that for the child I'm supposed to have, the child he thinks I am or what? I don't really want to know, actually!

There are many more, so many that a guy I grew up with phones me to find out what 'dad crap' I've been given this time!

So far the 'best ever' award goes to the 'Japanese doll' - you know, those dolls in kimonos, usually orange with black trim, that stand on pedestals under glass cases. All the fashion in the 60s, 70s. The one father-dear-father bought me was a) dusty and mouldy (from a 2nd hand shop) and b) the case was broken but I was expected to repair it and treasure it.

This because for a short time when I was 11-13, I'd learnt Japanese (for about 3months) and read books about Japanese culture.

The 'best ever' gift was 2yrs ago, when I was 36. Unfortunately (oh, so sad) it broke - might have had something to do with the fact that I bashed it against a door frame until the head came off. 

Come on, share, people - I can't be the only one on the boards who has this kind of thing happen?

My mother's family liked to 'regift'.

I read Judith Lucy's memoir and gurgled when she recounted the same thing happening in her family.

My sister used to be really good at giving gifts until she met NPD husband and I think the drugs started to really fry her brain.

On the regifting subject, at one point she offered me up this ugly scratchy silk and lace underwear from BIL's last trip to The Orient.

He must have been smacked out of his brain in some opium den or other because he bought her this set that was too small to fit onto me (Asian bones + glandular fever = size 6 at the time, much stronger size 8 now)... .anyway, My Evil one has inherited the giant genes and is 6 feet tall and could squeeze into a size 12.  BIL was always on at her about her weight - I have no idea why because she's gorgeous and we're all three naturally inclined to be slim.

So she passed it onto me and I passed it onto lifeline.

She went through a phase of trying to buy clothes for me but she must have been really stoned when she was shopping because they'd all be the wrong size.  Nice things.  Or else they'd be frilly, and I'm not frilly.  (I spike, I do not frill... .)

in the end I told her I appreciated the effort but perhaps vouchers might be a better idea as I have such an awkward time getting things to fit me.

It worked for a while.

God it would be nice if you could put something in their drinking water to medicate them.  Evilsis was good company, once upon a time.

Oh well.

Welll, not from the parents - does the probably waif u BPD sister count?

She has given me stuffed teddy bears for Christimas for a number of years.  As an adult.  I never said I liked, wanted them, needed them... .

She did give me a really pretty quilt - that I have stored away for the day that I'm not so confused about our relationship. 

We're LC and right now, no contact because of her choice.  She hasn't called me for anything yet.  I invited her by snail mail to a REALLY important thing for me for church, and she didn't answer, call, e-mail. I think she talked to my u BPD mother - who can't remember things alll the time 'cause of memory issues.

I will have to say, my u BPD mother would spend lots and lots of time looking for the right card - her cards to me were spot on - maybe there is a part of her that understands what mothers and daughters can be to each other ... .I saved the cards.  The waif sends me sentimental cards - that I wish she really could mean... .  You've got to walk the walk, though.

Thanks for asking!

js

Oh yes the joys of the duh gifts!

I am a casual, jeans and sweater, socks and clogs kinda person but for years the mother each year would give me a frilly blouse or too tight sweater, a skirt and jacket or blazer. Sometimes a dress but always a pair of heels, ya know the 3" ankle buster kind. Oh, and the size was always too big because as a 5' petite size 6 she saw me, 5'8, as a giant. As I frequently still hear "I'm going to make a lady out of you". Then there was the "what would you like" question. OK I'd really like a jig saw, what I got -diamond earrings. She has always been just as tone deaf with the grandkids. It's so much easier now that she can't get to the stores she sends me so we all get something we can use/want.

The uBPDsis is just weird when it comes to presents, well, yeah, with other things too. We have given up trying to understand the thought behind the gifts although when asked there is a convoluted story behind the choice and you can always tell who is in the dog house and who is on the pedestal.

One Word describes Ubpm Mother's gifts... .BATHROBES. Not only does she repeatedly give them, she also asks for you to give them to her... .and my all time favorite was when she found out that I had not been recently using a 10 year old bathrobe she had given me and wanted it back so she could wear it.

This past Christmas I told her she did not need to get us anything... .most of our extended family was not exchanging gifts this year due to  folks with iffy employment and retirement incomes.   I asked my UBPD to just donate a "little" money for a project my DD19 was fundraising for in lue of anything else. Sure enough a box of expensive bathrobes shows up just before Christmas. I returned them to the company since we did not need them and even if she was going to be majorily pissed, which she was, I felt better knowing that the money was back in her account and not being wasted.

I get the gifts mother would like.  The gaudy shiny clothes with rhinestones and beads,    !

I'm a t'shirt and jeans person.  She loves to "dress" me up !

What is a ongoing joke - is what mother gives my dd every year, make-up.  Not decent good for your skin stuff. 

Imagine the 5yr. old kits from the dollar store. The lipstick - bright red- I could touch up the paint on my truck with. The blue and purple eyeshadow that is so dusty, if you open the cover, make sure your not breathing.    And lets not forget the perfume ! I feel almost embarrassed to donate them to charity.           My dd has gotten lucky sometimes, by returning them to the store. Most of the time it's bought at local big box stores, but we have found yard sale and sal. army stickers on some.

Oh, by the way, my dd does not even wear make-up !  :)

I busted out laughing as soon as I saw the title of this thread.  :) SO TRUE, the weird gifts they give. And then sit back like, don't you love it?

My mom is pretty good at the stuff she gives me... .most of the time. It is more my husband and kids that she buys REALLY off the wall stuff for. The worst thing she bought me was a house warming gift when we moved here, that she just kept building up... .how I would absolutely love it, it was so expensive, blah blah blah... .so I finally open it and can hardly contain my shock. It was the most butt - ugly- plant? made out of different kinds of stone with wire for stems. I am laughing as I'm writing this. It was NOT EVEN close to my style. I kept it in the linen closet for years and only brought it out when she came over, and then finally one day a couple years ago I threw it out. 

For my daughters it has been the WEIRDEST, ugliest clothes from garage sales. Things with sequins on them. Our daughters do not do sequins.   

Yes, they are so good at the weird gifts! This is a great thread!

Denise

Aaaahhhh.

Thought it couldn't be just me. It's all the PDs in my family, not just my uNPD father as mentioned in original post. Just didn't want to overload everyone with the weirdness!

Keep it coming - this is good for a laugh and heaven knows we could all do with one from time to time! Most of the time!

Included in the 2009 Christmas 'gift' from uNPD father was a box of chocolates of the kind we used to give to his aunt (I don't eat chocolate it gives me migraines; why would he remember that - I only lived with him for 35yrs!) Nothing was wrapped, it had been stuffed in a postbox and packed round with newspaper. His card was full of how he'd just moved and couldn't find the keys to his filing cabinet. No Christmas greeting, nothing. The writing on the box wasn't his, so I'm under the strong impression I was 'staffed out' to one of his weird flunkies (whole nuther thread - who has PDs who employ weird ones to make themselves feel sane?) My guess is flunky was told 'see that pile over there, go through and pick what you think my daughter might like and shove it in a box' Probably didn't bother to tell flunky my age, hence outfit for 7yr old!

Doesn't sting me anymore, just wish he **wouldn't send anything**! Hurts my darling mum, though, as she keeps wishing someone in the family would have some idea of who I am - other than her, that is.

uNPD/BPD bro is pretty much the same - gives me the music he thinks I *ought* to listen to (i.e. what he and his wife like), or 'trinkets' (I hate dust collectors, even pretty ones, cos I have to dust them) or one time, socks. (At that time I didn't wear socks with my shoes, was still working and wore stockings). I now get staffed out to his wife who knows me even less well and is a very girly girl and I'm definitely not.

BPDsis doesn't usually give presents - can't afford them - but if she does they're either spot on or really weird/eccentric.

Eldest sis (a non) gives generic or gift vouchers. I've learnt to cope with gift vouchers but hate them because in my family that's usually a 'couldn't be bothered thinking about it so threw money at it' kind of approach. Make it quick and simple, no thought.

Other thing my PDs try to do is get me a children's book I haven't read/reviewed (it's what I do) - now why would you do that? This is my job (okay, voluntary, but reviews are published and I get sent proofs from publishers etc). So how likely is it that they are going to find a book that I haven't already read/reviewed/heard of? It's become a competition, really. Instead of recognising the area of expertise (I'm not supposed to have expertise; I have a neurological illness they don't believe in, have been unable to work for years, so am a 'failure' in their eyes) they try and tell me how to do it.

Mum takes great delight whenever uNPD/BPD bro passes on a message of 'oh, a good book that TN should read is... .' of saying, 'oh, yes, she read me her review of that a few weeks ago. It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?' 

I've come to the conclusion that gifts for PDs are basically another way of invalidating.

And yes, they expect you to react with 'oh, how wonderful, just what I always wanted, a mouldy, plastic, broken Japanese doll from a second-hand-shop, gee thanks, dad' kind of untrammelled joy.

uNPD father used to do the same to mum. (Unless I organised the gift, which I did for years for mum's sake until I worked out it wasn't helping her realise the reality of the situation). Mum likes dramatic, chunky jewellery - she's tall and slim. Things that are a bit different. So ***if*** father-dear-father bought her jewellery (blue moon occasion) it would be small, neat, appropriate for a short petite person with very conservative tastes - like his mother.

Flowers were the same. He always gave mum the flowers his mother like - red or pink carnations. Mum hates carnations. And has told him so for years. But his mother like them, soo... .

Okay, keep sharing, people - this is going to be fun.

I await the day when my 16 yro niece turns up at these boards and tells of how, aged 7, her mother The Queen went out and bought the kid g-strings because she was complaining about how uncomfortable her sports underwear was.  (maybe NPDad had given her a matching set of Asian Whorehouse knickers like they dumped on me)  :)

Sis had a good long btch to me about her daughter's ingratitude and how she'd insisted that she'd get used to it and would find them much more comfortable.

Generally I have an answer for everything but with BPDsis, I'm just speechless at how much crap she would share with me with no comprehension that I would find it bizarre and off balance.

I tried to tell her that this sort of underwear is something that a woman might choose and just because we are comfortable in them doesn't mean others are... .I told her lots of my friends my age prefer cottontails or whatever and its one of those choices that her daughter can make when she's old enough to go out and shop for her own clothes.

Of course it didn't sink in.

Ye gods, G-strings for a ***child***?

And can  you imagine what the poor kid had to cop from her peers? Not to mention what any teacher who found out would have thought. (I used to teach - that's a sexual abuse warning loud and clear, seeing/hearing of a child wearing that kind of stuff.)

Yeesh. And I thought your lingerie 'regifting' was a doozy.

Poor kid.

Yes.  I was horrified and I rang the school.

I have no doubt that Evilsis was abused when she was in an orphanage aged 4.  I'm trained to see signs of sexual abuse and hadn't seen them in nephew or niece so just interpreted it as 'mother inappropriate and stoned'.

Their father doesn't like children and being a heroin addict I don't think he's likely to have much of a libido anyway, he just wants drugs and his ego fed.

I'm open to the possibility that I could be wrong and if my nephew and niece ever come to me and tell me that x, y or z happened, I will believe them.

Oooh!  Tenacity, that fake plant... .that's hilarious.

Last year DH dragged me off to a fundraiser ball for his work... .I was very uncomfortable in the pretty dress but once a year I think its fair to discard the boots, the jeans and the t-shirt   and  don the murderous heels and the frock to make him happy.

So I'm sitting there, thinking, as I do in a dress 'I am a freak, why did I come here?' when the MC drew our attention to the Lovely Plant Sculpture on all of our dining tables.  If you remember the set of Lost In Space it looked like one of those alien plants, crafted all out of metal and melted plastic.  Very ugly, very spectacular.  It was the first thing we'd bonded over when we all sat down 'My, that's ugly.'

So she announced that one lucky person at each table would win this Lovely Plant and we should all rush to check under our seats to see if we'd found the gold star.

DH got lucky and came up with the star.

His workmates, who I don't know all that well, looked at him in horror and said 'Oh no.  What are you going to do with it?  That's horrible.'

I shrugged my shoulders and said 'I dunno.  Christmas, mother-in-law... .problem solved.'

They all just cracked up.

I was amazed how many people took the ugly things home, though.

Another thing that started transpiring the past few years was Mom taking things I had just purchased and promising that either she or Step Dad would do something to improve it, and I would not see the item again for months if at all and the promised improvement never got done anyway.

I bought a lovely unframed water color  at an art show during a visit to my Aunts house in Sept, right away Mom takes it from me and says Step Dad will build me a wonderful frame for it. Okay... .finally got the picture back at Christmas with a cheap store bought frame.

At the same time I had been hunting for a cheap wrap for my daughter to use at the home coming dance, Mom and I stop by the fabric shop so I can get a yard of something that will match her dress but no one will mind if it gets lost or stolen. Right away Mom takes the fabric and says she will take it home and send it back to me hemmed. They ended going on a last minute trip somewhere and I never did get my fabric back, had to make a last minute run to a fabric store near my house and luckily found the same fabric.  

Another time she starts about how she is making me something very special for another Christmas, made a big fuss about for months even showing my daughter it in July. Finally I get the gift, the box feels empty. There is a note saying they ran out of time and could not get a frame for it. I open it up and find a croched doily the size of an envelope, my last is written in pink highlighter, this is her special gift she's been working on since July. My daughter says tha's  pretty much how it looked in July except for the pink highlighter part. My Aunt and Cousin are both excellent at needlework and quilting, I guess Mom is trying to emulate them.  

I'd say the theme of my mother's gifts was inappropriately sexy.

And let's not even get into what a totally un-gracious gift recipient she was.  Even when we were kids, if the gift wasn't perfect, she had no qualms about showing her displeasure.

Ewww- the whole displeasure with your gifts thing! Been there too. Very obvious when they don't like your gift. And you sit there thinking, you have got to be kidding! At least I put some thought into it and tried. AND IT'S NEW lol. She has even 'threatened' to give me my gifts back, because " what am I supposed to do with this?"  'This' being some delicious chocolates that I bought her because she was going through a very chocolate addicted phase... .how silly of me to think she might like them? 

This whole post is so funny to me. So typical of them. Remember the bedazzler? She would get my kids clothes that looked like someone was learning how to use one, when they made them. Hilariously "dazzled" outfits with GIGANTIC roses and crooked gaudy flowers. She bought my one daughter an outift that my daughter 'lovingly' referred to as her prison outfit... .you guessed it lots of horizontal stripes. And none of it was new---- nope--- garage sale stuff :) lol

Denise

Oh god, chocolates and the 'nothing is ever good enough'... .listen up, girls... .

I put together a bit of a care package for evilsis's 50th BD.  She went totally psycho, took off out of town where nobody could find her or knew where she was.  I was the only person with enough ESP to figure out where she'd gone and wish her a happy BD.  Was before I knew about the illness but understood CONSEQUEncES of displeasing madam HRH all too well.

So, she gushed over the things that I'd given her and told me that she loved them.  Within days of this I'd fallen foul of her and she'd gone No Speaks, despite me being the only family member to remember her BD... .bizarre - the rest are all forgiven... .anyway, she sent back the gifts in disgust, all except the bag of chocolate coated coffee beans (nobody does them like our local Greek deli)... .DH looked at the crestfallen look on my face as I rifled through the rejected gifts and said 'Its all here except the coffee beans,' and he said 'Maybe it'll come in the next mail and she's just waiting till she's had a bowel movement to send you the nugget.'

I love that man. :)

A plastic bird that chirped and sang "Groovin". Not only that, but you could never turn the darn thing off. A plastic garbage can and lid wrapped individually and last but not least a personally autographed glamor shot of herself.

She took the picture back because it wasn't displayed properly in a spot of distinction. I don't know, I thought the "john" was perfect! :)

Speaking for my husband.  His uBPD mother has given him some odd gifts in the past 3 years.  The two that seem to really stand out are a small bottle of Bath and Body Works body lotion, Candy Apple.  My husband at the time was 39, we both just shook our heads, why in the world would she give her adult son a bottle of body lotion?  This past birthday,(fall 2008) she gave him a framed picture of herself, this was after all of the more serious issues began in August.  She is on a fixed income and the picture was nice so in some ways we understand.  It was a church directory photo. We both agree it was her way of getting attention, "don't forget about me".  She even asked a few days later if we had put it up in the living room somewhere.  (?) We both agree is was nice but why again would you give your son a picture of yourself for his birthday, she even commented to him as he was opening it , that she hoped it wasn't too "corny". It is very odd with this disorder, She doesn't give him a gift card to a store, an article of clothing, a movie video, typical Guy gifts.  I think he could remind me of other odd gifts in the past but none come to mind other than the ones I mentioned.

Long overdue for a good gift thread, lol.

Twice, motherinlaw sent us their family photo for our Christmas gift.

The first one was taken at motherinlaws request for DH to fly to their state (wife's were not allowed in the 'family photo' so this afforded me an excuse to not attend the photo op, lol). Another SIL was very angered by this, but you can bet her H didnt' receive just a photo for his Christmas gift. Probably another home.

The second was taken when H flew there for another reason. While I was in the dark about personality disorders then, the message was not lost on me. THIS was the REAL family.

My SIL gave me a photo of her, her DH (my brother) and thier children at the Christmas family gift exchange one year. THAT got some looks from others!

The photo thing is interesting. Hadn't thought about this much as it's so 'normal' in my family!

Eldest sister (a non) was big about giving family photos when her kids were young - sort of a 'this is your grandchild' kind of thing. I think it was fairly normal from her - no hidden meanings.

But uBPD/whatever Knight Brother is very big on the photo thing - again, the grandchildren. Especially as he doesn't think that my mum is being a 'proper' grandmother as she still works full time and so isn't available for constant babysitting, doesn't visit every weekend etc. (That's a current social issue, too, don't you think? The idea that our parents should mind our children, despite having already 'done' their bit by raising us. Well, for those of us with PDs, they didn't really raise us but you know what I mean.)

Anyway, after birth of his first daughter, shortly after my darling mum left uNPD husband of 47yrs (Knight Bro threw complete hissy fit and treated mum very badly because she didnt' consult him about it - apparently thinks he could have stopped her; accused her of having 'killed' dad etc).

Anyway, after birth of first daughter, Christmas present was a photo of baby. The one he gave mum, darling child had her face all screwed up and looked like she'd just passed wind. Mum was very hurt. Knight Bro was 'all surprised' - though she would 'find it funny'. So mum politely asked for another photo with nicer expression that she could happily 'put on display for others to see how beautiful her new granddaughter was' (my suggested wording. Photo arrived by first mail, appropriate words having been said.

Sigh.

Anybody else get the 'controlling' gifts? The ones that are about interfering with something that is a hobby/interest of yours so that they invade that part of your life as well?

I like photography, have a great new digital SLR, gift from mum c18months ago. Bro only discovered that I had new camera just before Christmas 2008. Gift for Christmas? Gift voucher for the UV filter he thought I ought to have. Sounds nice, right? But thing is that I have a chronic neurological illness which means I have extreme light sensitivity, so can't go outside (unless cloudy or stormy) between 10am and 4-5pm. Has been the case for years, all the family and most of my friends know this. It's just part of my enforced lifestyle.

UV filter is only needed if you are taking photos in intense sunlight or high reflectivity (e.g. water at noon etc). So... .

You get the drift.

My family specialises in the subtle insult via gift, also the controlling present. (i.e. this is what you ought to want/be doing/etc).

Really puts you off birthdays, Christmas etc all the more, doesn't it? Not just the 'drama queen' issues that always arise, but the 'crappy gift' or 'manipulative gift' stuff that happens as well.

Friend had the reverse, though - had an ex who specialised in giving a gift that would press her pleasure buttons, giving something he knew she would really treasure. Not because he loved her, but because it enabled him to control how she reacted. Sort of 'even though you are really angry with me and are threatening to leave, I can still make you feel... .' Ick.

Haven't come across that one much. Anybody else?

I think the photo stories deserve their own thread.  Its too weird how we all have the same stories.

Um... .MIL doesn't acknowledge my birthday but every year she sends a birthday card to The Dog.

I pin them up on the toilet wall for the entertainment of our guests, and just in case I ever need concrete evidence that she's completely and utterly cracked.

*)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcX6rYNp1SI&feature=channel_page

This is what my parents gave me. They gave me other small gifts, too. None were as newsworthy, though. LOL They didn't show up on Christmas because of mother drama... .again!

A sewing machine for my 30-something-th birthday.

Okay this doesn't sound too bad, considering I sew. But get this. It was a heavily used "floor model" obviously bought at a steep reduction. It was packed in the box of a different sewing machine and came with the user's manual of yet another sewing machine.

Okay, all this would be entirely acceptable if:

a) I had needed a sewing machine and couldn't afford one of my own.

b) I lived in the same city instead of just visiting from clear across the country where I would now have to shlep my "new" sewing machine back home on a plane and over public transportation along with my other luggage.

c) it worked properly - it has a serious issue with the bobbin tension that causes huge tangly loops of thread to form on the back. just when you think it's working okay again, out of nowhere, there's the horrible wad of thread. (Wow there's a metaphor here somewhere)

d) she didn't try, painfully transparently, to trick me into thinking she had paid full price for it.  She feigned embarrassment at having left the price tag on the box (while pointing it at me instead of trying to quickly rip it off), but she had also neglected to take off the REAL price tag which was written in bright red and stuck on the machine itself.

Love the sewing machine present !  The dog b.day card is pretty twisted too ! 

I'd forgotten about this one:  I broke my foot a few years back. In a cast, non-weightbearing for 6 weeks. I was miserable !  About 3 weeks go by, no card,flowers-nothing.          She realizes that she needs me to color her hair. Calls me crying, her roots ( yah, 4 inches of dry grey, can't color hair) need re-touching. She has a holiday party at the local bar the next night.

She will come pick me up and drive me next door to her house.  Why, I ask, can't you bring the color products to me, I'll do it here. I'm on crutches, with heavy foot to knee cast. Yes, it's winter. Snow and ice.        Here I am, crying that I can't even vaccum my floor.    She says, I don't want anyone to show up at your home with me having hair down.   No offer to clean my place.    --oh, by the way- I have a get well gift over here for you. I don't want to carry it outside.  ----- Do I buy into everything... .you bet.  Hook, line and sinker !

She drives the 200 ft. to get me, I color (or attempt to -don't know why a wig wouldn't be better), as she gets ready to bring me home, I ask about the gift------- it is a candle tart warmer. The thing is all of 4 inches high, 3inches round.  the painting of the apples is off-center, the handle is crooked. One would think the included tart is apple, no- peach !  The smell I hate above all ! She knows this.  It is chipped and cracked on the side.  This "gift" surely is from the dollar store.  She hands it too me and says it is my get -well gift. And tells me she bought herself and sis one too.      I just shake my head.     

Do I still have this lovely piece, NOT !,  I wrapped it in newspaper and a cereal box when I threw it out. I was embarrased the trash guy would find it !  --Oh, the good ol'days ! lol

Mother is all about the big promise, the showboating, the I'm-such-a-wonderful-mother bragging points only to not follow through, show up with something completely different as a big F-U, or to balk and say she never promised such & such.

Many years ago she promised my nephew a new bike. It was winter and snowing so she had a few months until spring to follow through and get the new bike. Winter came and went and not only did she grab an old bike a neighbor had put out for free but she made my sister come and get nephew's new bike. Her response, he'll never know it's not brand new and why should I have to pay good money for a new bike? Money is not an issue for her.

She's gotten so lazy (waify?) over the past few years. My favorite was when she offered to bring dessert to a family gathering. She bragged and bragged for weeks about how she was going to make this fabulous homemade dessert that someone else in the family made a good 10 years ago. Mother has been raving about that dessert for those 10 years and has promised to make it numerous times and never followed through. This time would be no different, no one expected her to actually make something herself. She can barely boil water. So sure enough she shows up at the gathering with a store bought cheesecake. That's fine, there was no need to make something homemade but don't brag and then not follow through. There are some great cooks/bakers in my family and she likes to think she's in the same league. But the funny thing about the cheesecake is most people at the gathering were dairy intolerant and/or diabetic. Only one slice of the cake was eaten as only one person at the party could eat it. She knows everyone's diet restrictions. The reasoning behind this seems to be that she had set herself up for failure by bragging and then not following through so she decided to bring something hardly anyone could eat to punish US for her shortcomings.

I'm an adult but you'd never know it you saw the gifts she gives me. Things are most suited for a pre-teen or toddler. For example, items with Sesame Street characters on them. She'll say, I know how much you loved that show. YES, when I was 5! She also thinks I'm bigger than I am so I get clothes several sizes too big and in bright juvenile colors and patterns. Everything goes straight into the Goodwill bin.

There are so many incidents that fall into the 'I never promised that' category. They mostly followed this pattern: mother would promised to buy you XYZ if you did ABC. So my sister and I did the ABCs, such a getting all A's in school, cleaning the house, running errands for her, etc. The XYZs never came. Instead we got the 'you ungrateful child' rages that would go on for days and end with several weeks of the silent treatment.

my mother in law also gives her son crazy presents, my favorite was the gift certificate for a facial at a spa 30 miles away from us. If she had given any thought to who her son is this would make her laugh as hard as it made us laugh. He is not a facial kind of a guy, and we are not going to drive to some random suburb for this. They lives thousands of miles away so they have no connection or experience with this spa, and i'm sure had hundreds to choose from within our small city alone. Bizarre.

As for me, she chose great gifts for me until her son proposed to me, once we were engaged i started getting ecards, and nothing else. The only reason she gave us a gift for our wedding shower was because she was expecting a public gift opening, for those events she is always *extra* generous, god forbid someone else seem more generous than her.

Cards. Dogs. Oh do tell.

DeeEsse, if you are reading, and still own the machine, tighten the tension on the bobbin. The foot tension is too tight; they need balanced.

Cards/dogs. I think this qualifies as a gift.

DH was going to be away for weeks and early on Mother's Day would fall. Though we lived across the country, MIL/SIL knew I'd be home alone.

I was childless and SIL had her first baby ~ a toddler now. I got not one, two, but THREE mother's day cards from MIL/SIL, the third included a picture of the toddler. I was flabbergasted. Horrified actually. Told my psyche and we decided that warranted a call to them. I called SIL's home as MIL was always over there. I told her whether I was childless by choice or not, to not bother sending me any more Mother's Day cards. SIL responded, "Well you ARE the mother of a DOG aren't you"? Then I heard giggling. MIL was on the extension phone. I think this was one of the final acts that nailed their coffin as far as H was concerned.

MIL/FIL drove to our home across the country in a small car for their '2nd time this year intrusive visit'. MIL HAD to buy SIL a new vacuum. She paid the same for that vacuum as she could have bought in their hometown, then drove it sitting upright in the back seat of the car all the way home. One of her favorite past times was to show us how we got nothing.

Her last visit to our home was two days before H's B-day. Once in a blue moon she'd send him a card with a very small check in it which we eventually stopped cashing. Anyway, she arrived at night and one of her first worries was that she get the B-day card to SIL's H  mailed to the town she just flew in from. H 'had' to take her to the post office to mail it the following morning.

The following day, we got a letter in the mail from out of state SIL ORDERING us to take MIL to a certain amusement park. NOT.

Of course MIL didn't mention H's B-day, but she bought many gifts for SIL/BIL/granddaughter. The night before she left, she picked over them with great distress and finally gave H a tiny bell but she made him know it would cause a conflict with the others, LOL.

The only card I recall ever getting from MIL for my B-day was one of those gift cards one could buy at the gift wrap dept of a dept store ~ not mailable now because of post office regulations ~ thank God somebody was using their head.

Stephen King fathered these people.

My uBPD/NPD father would always buy me the gifts that he wanted for himself... . or were his interest...

One year, he gave me a knife that was in a lipstick holder and you turn it to make the lipstick come up and it is a knife blade... .  Then one year, he gave me a leather holder with a can of pepper type spray in it... . one year, he gave me a buck knife in a leather case... . on and on it was always weird... . 

My uBPD sis would ALWAYS, without fail, every christmas or my birthday buy me some kind of "sister" thing - it could be a plaque, a statue, it is funny - I have a whole box of this in the basement from over the years... . She woudll also get my mom real delicate things made of spun glass or ceramic stuff, which isnt' my mom at all... . 

Interesting... .

yes!  there is an article that is linked on occasion here about the Narcissistic Mother.  One of the descriptions is that she gives terrible gifts and yes my Mom has given me the weirdest gifts throughout the years.

As an adult(maybe my 20s?) she give me a Mickey Mouse clock, a precious moments rag doll.

Just last year, she gave my son(turning 8 yrs) a coke glass and other coke items from an Estate sale.

Your Dad's gifts are wacko.  Sure sign to me that he has NPD

Oh my gosh... .seriously!  At first I read this post... .and thought, NO- I really haven't had that kind of experience... .but the more I think about it... .I HAVE!

When I found out I was having my first little girl... .for my baby shower, my uBPD mother gave me all BOY STUFF!  As it being my first child... .I was kind of offended... .like "What the hell is this"  Not to mention it was all stuff from Garage Sales... .  I didn't think much of it then... .until gosh, right this moment... .

The last time I went up to go and visit over 2 years ago, she brought out all of these big kid clothes for my daughter(who was 1 at the time).  The clothes were for like an 8 or 9 year old kid.  So finally I asked her, why the heck did you get these?  I can't use these?  My daughter is ONE!  She preceded to tell me that they were on sale. And I asked, well didn't they have baby clothes on sale instead?  I was a single mom at the time... .and really honestly could have used some clothes for my 1 year old... .  so its not that I didn't want to accept her gift... .but I just figured if you really wanted to give me a gift... .why not give me something I could use now... .instead of in 6 years.   She then threw a tantrum, and yelled and screamed about how ungrateful I was, etc etc... .

How crazy... .I never put two and two together... .until now. 

Great post.  Really got me thinking.

A giant, black spiderweb crocheted shawl (I was 38), It was probably the ugliest thing I had ever seen. Triple marked down, pricetag still attached. With the $4 I got back, I bought a shower curtain.

Very large jackets 4 sizes too big for me--my birthday was after my brothers', maybe these were their rejects and my uBPDm was too lazy to return them.

My brothers often got extravagant gifts (once a whole bedroom set, season basketball tickets) on my birthdays, "so they don't feel left out".

I have in the past given my mother artwork (if it were not for me, there would be nothing on the walls of her house) and jewelry (a pearl necklace and tanzenite earrings) as presents for her. My brothers have shown no initiative whatsoever. After several (I finally figured out-deliberately calculated) presents horriblus that she has given me, I will never again put a whole lot of money or any effort into presents for her. Last Xmas I gave the household a box of pears, which is what they got last year-which is as much as they will ever get.

nc and staying that way.

Mother's gifts have the flavor of her trying to remind me of the "good" times we used to have--either that, or trying to keep me a little kid.

The worst was a decorative pillow (I hate the things) which said something to the effect, "I'm your mother and you'll never get rid of me."  I was horrified.  And this was before I knew she was BPD, though after I knew she was abusive.

In the same box was a child's notebook of writing prompts, illustrated and signed by the author.  I'm a writer.  A real one.  Mother just got it because I'm a writer and the guy was there to sign it.  But--a kid's book?

She sews.  I got pajama pants made out of Popeye flannel fabric because I loved Popeye when I was little.  Never worn them; couldn't even bring myself to try them on even though she kept asking.

I got a quilt (after she made nearly everyone else one) that at least is in bright colors I like.  But, now it's tainted because she made it, and my friend called it the "crazy mother quilt."  So, yeah.  I don't know what to do with that.

She got me a box of jellybeans (I don't care for jellybeans) because it reminded her of a store we used to visit and get jellybeans.

She gave me a box of green Peeps, because I like green and because she used to buy us Peeps.  Sortly after that, she raged at me in a parking lot, and now every time I see Peeps I feel ill.

At the same unhappy occasion, she gave ma a photo album of the firt pics I ever took, just to say, "see, we had some good times too!"   

Popeye pants. It can't get better than that. You win, lol.

This theme about underaged gifts is interesting. My mother used to buy me cruel 'gifts' or something juvenile. I've shared some of them before, like the frayed cloth remnant the size of a man's hanky. A chatty cathy doll when I was twelve but ignoring my wanting dolls when I was much younger. I do not remember any 'girly' gifts when I was young. I do remember a humpty dumpty toy that would play music and humpty would fall and break when the tune ended. Something for a 2 yr old she got for me when I was probably 5.

This is probably also a reflection of her own identity confusion ~ that she could not understand age appropriate things.

She bought me what I SWEAR was a maternity jumper for my high school graduation 'dress'. I still suspect rather than outright hostility, it was subconscious because she associated graduation with pregnancy. (my father overrode her and bought me an appropriate dress) Still have it because it was so well chosen.

Woops, forgot.

I wanted a barbie doll ferociously when I was 7 or 8. That was the mistake, letting her know I wanted one. None came.

But when I was twelve, I got Midge; evilsis (5 then) got the barbie doll and chatty cathy too.

I think all this gift 'crap' is probably at the root of my H and I never making gift issues with each other. Mostly, if we want something we just buy it.

I'm so glad I started this thread and that it's not just my imagination that the inappropriate gifts are a power/control thing. I had read it on a website but just wanted to check with others for confirmation.

And I think you're right, methinkso, the crappy gifts from parents, especially, are probably why most of us are either very particular with the gifts we give others (I usually go to a great deal of effort to get something that really matches the person's personality/lifestyle/hobbies etc but really don't like receiving gifts myself).

It's very much about the BPD/NPD not knowing (or caring?) who we really are as people, isn't it. It's about us being who they want us to be, not who we actually are.

More 'crappy dad gifts' from my list (this thread is reminding me!):

* he loves a big agricultural show we have in my city (not USA) every year at Easter and always buys some kind of 'crap'. Thankfully I should be out of it now I'm no contact and no longer living with him, but one year it was a $4 at most 'donkey' in lime green and neon yellow with a red mohawk. One of those small stuffed toys in the kind of glisteny fur fabric that tears as soon as you look at it. He said he 'saw it and thought of me'. (I was mid 30s at the time). In my head I was going: 'okay, **what** were you thinking of me?' I kept it out of sight after the first 6wks and then gave it to my cat as a toy as soon as mum and I left. Cat loved it and chewed it to pieces.

* cheap 'hand-painted' wooden eggs - because as a child (10) I'd blown eggs and dyed real eggs for family for Easter. (And trust me - mine looked **much** nicer!) But they had to be put on display for all to see.

* second-hand, battered children's books from the 1950s and 60s - because I review children's literature. (They had been passed on to charity shops because they were old, falling apart, and very unremarkable stories!)

* to my mother: he invariably gave her Victoriana books - you know, pictures of girls in lacy dresses, cutesy cupid children, sentimental Victorian era poetry etc. And completely NOT my mother's thing. (She teaches science.) Also tarty underwear that she could never wear for medical reasons, apart from it being completely not her thing. Best ever for her was the Christmas after she'd left. She was trying to 'do the right thing' for sake of family peace and we went to exchange gifts. He was careful to show her all the 'lovely' things my en-siblings had given him. (Sweet food for a diabetic, etc). Then presented her with a cross on a chain - pale pink crappy diamante things set in junk silver: the kind of thing that here you buy at a chemist that sells 'gifts'. Worst of all was what he said: 'I've noticed you haven't worn any of the jewellery I gave you for some time. I hope you will wear this in memory of me.'    The only jewellery he'd ever given her, other than wedding bands, was something he'd got as a 'compensation' pay off from a pyramid selling company that he was part of that failed. She never wore it because it was crappy and not her style. And when he gave her that he pretended he'd bought it specially, spent lots of money etc. (I told her the truth afterwards because couldn't bear to see her feeling guilted into wearing it).

Oh, boy, they're soo good at being self-absorbed, aren't they?

Yes Thursday, it is about them.

I think you stumbled onto something. While H and I seldom gift each other with presents, we (lol, I) use to give it my all trying to please others in their gifts. Still love to but have many fewer occasions to try.

So I've transferred some of those wants into my home. I was thinking the other day of wrapping guest soaps in white tissue paper and stacking a few before tying them off with a pastel ribbon. Wonderful for 'homey' feel.

And I thank you for the thread. I think it helps processing ~ even through our gift history we can analyze and process.

methinkso:

Amazing, isn't it - it comes out in the 'littlest' things. I've got other issues to do with responses to my cooking - perhaps I should start a thread about that, too!  :)

But I've found this therapeutic - and validating.

I'm not actually an ungrateful person. And I'm right - my father wouldn't know me from a bar of soap if he met me in a bathroom. (Even a nice tissue wrapped one!)

A suggestion re gift-giving: have you read 'Stargirl' by Jerry Spinelli? (Children's book - teen fiction). Has some really wonderful concepts about how to direct our gift giving towards strangers.

The book sounds interesting ~ will probably check it out. I could use some ideas and was thinking earlier about finding something to 'gift' for mother's day since we now have no mother and this could be a good experience vs a tense one. Like dropping of cookies at the front desk of a nursing home.

Its not so much what my BPD partner gives me its what his mum gives us.

He has been advised by a T to have LC with her due to his reactions to her unreliablity and string pulling. I.m not sure what thats really all about but the thing I noticed is that she keeps bying things for his house ( we both live here). Its a small house and they paid 3/4 of it to help him into the property.

She went shopping for the house without him. Took his Dad back to look at it and they decided this was the one.  Then they informed him that if he wanted the help to buy it he would need to agree to this one its the what is best for him. (I had 18 years of real estate experience and I knew they were going to pay too much)

Ever since we moved in, they have tried to dictate the style of garden ( he rebelled and now its a lovely tropical with pond and spa).

Getting back to the present thing though - she buys things for the house from overseas, wall hangings, decorations, rugs statues and sandles for me. Always too big. So I cant wear them. She bought sarongs last time but told him they were for the walls. ? Everything is good quality I feel bad for not being gratefull but her stuff is everywhere and seeing this is a small house there is no room to show my things or, for he and I to shop for "our" things. We have a style that is her style and its like she has our home as her project.

I dont know how to tell him to ask her to bring him home Balanese Jock & socks lol... or ... Italian shirts or something more personal for him and if she cant be bothered getting my shoe size then give the money to charity because thats where the sandles will go in the end. Or to my daughters because their feet are the right size.

And whats with the Sarongs being just for the walls?

His mess up with presents is the Valentine's Day flowers "he thought he would get" but didnt.

Why tell me anyway. "Its the thought that counts"... .What thought I said... .the one that thought you would? Or the one that thought you wouldnt?... .Here is the blast though... .I told him a year ago that my ex had done  that very thing.  He called my ex a cruel b... .d.

This topic has opened a floodgate of memories of other outrageous gifts. 

You want inappropriate? A pair of earrings supposedly made by some freaky boyfriend of hers that looked like little knives. They'd be great if you were a rocker or a leather queen, but my style is very simple, elegant basics--think shopping the clearance rack at Eileen Fisher, e.g. with some Gap thrown in--in sort of soft, warm colors.

You want crappy? One year for Christmas when I was about 12, my mom got nostalgic for the big family gatherings we used to have--before she scared all the relatives away--with dozens of presents spread out all over under the tree. So she wrapped up everything she could think of that we sort of needed, toothpaste, toothbrushes, bandaids, deodorant, and threw in a little candy and gum, and that was Christmas.

We 3 kids probably had about 20 gifts each, and not one, not a single one, was a real gift. I remember having this horribly nauseous feeling while we were opening them. I would have given anything for just a little present that was actually something she thought I might like. A pack of stationery, a record, something.

You want controlling? You want cruel? Another Christmas I got a bike. The cruelty of this still juices me up pretty good. It was a beautiful, red 3-speed bike. Minutes after receiving it, I was informed that she and my grandmother had changed their minds and they were going to let my sister have it instead.

I sat there flabbergasted, furious and hurt, terrified to speak for fear I would betray my anger and then god knows what would happen. So I meekly said, "Ok" and just looked down, defeated, truly dying inside... .until... .

Oh happy day! Joy! Joy to the World! The bells rang and the chimes chimed. I had passed the test!  ? Had I said NO, says they, they would simply have said OK and given me my red bike, but since I was such a great kid, overflowing with selfless generosity, I was to be rewarded with a 10-speed bike! A cousin of ours was giving it away and I was going to be the new proud owner. Yippee!

Well after a few days of floating around on cloud nine, we went to go get the bike. It was a very dull and extremely rusty, heavy, straight-handlebarred piece of junk. Two crushing blows in one week. And every time I saw my sister riding that shiny red bike you can just imagine how I felt. No wonder I'd forgotten about this one.

This one wasn't too long ago, but I haven't really let myself feel it yet:

When my second baby was born, my uNPD dad drove 8 hours (to come see me? no, to come on a sales call in my city! I just happened to be there with his second grandchild.) to my hospital room, then spent half an hour with me and the baby. 

What did he bring?  "You'll love this, TTGB, I spent an hour picking it out." 

It was a Hannah Montana keyboard.  For DD#1! Who's 4 years old, and has a piano of her own, thank you. He spent a ton of time showing me exactly how it worked, and "what good tone it had" and all the different features.

I'm pretty sure I dissasociated, because all I could think about was who I could give the dadgum thing away too.

He did actually *hold* the baby. He did actually *talk* to me---about how wonderful he was in his field, in his music, how he was voting for Obama now and everyone should, how he hated John McCain for not picking Kay Baily Hutchinson as a running mate... .I wanted to scream "You have a NEW GRANDCHILD here! Can you not think of ANYTHING but YOURSELF?" 

Just to top it all off---he didn't go visit DD#1 !  He went straight back to his own state after leaving the hospital! He's seen her twice before this, and said he wouldn't feel comfortable "interrupting her."  So he wanted ME to give her this stupid little keyboard, and tell her it was from HIM, but he's worried that she won't KNOW him.

I gave it away to my DD's best friend. She loves it. DD never even saw it.

But at Christmas time, what does uNPD dad say?  "Boy, didn't DD#1 love that keyboard I got her?"   

DeeEsse,

Don't go anywhere. Hang onto your seat.

When I was ten, I got my first bike for Christmas. I always remembered (but couldn't put it into context), why mother later told me "it's from your father" and I always remembered how her voice dripped with disdain when she spoke those words.

You expressed the exhuberation so well. I was all over that town on that bike. (stirred mother's fears of desertion?) Outside of school and sleep my LIFE was that bike.

Till one spring day. Glorious beautiful spring day I came home for lunch and parked the bike in front of the garage. I was on my way into the house and saw her pull into the drive and go right on throught the garage door smashing the bike to smithereens. I cried out of control. She berated me like the sadistic woman she was ~ guilted me.

See, she had 'fatal attraction' with Dad. I was, again, the 'other woman'. And her vile jealousies showed all the time then.

Your feelings resonate with me. I think it was the worst pain she ever inflicted on me when I was that age.

((hugs)).

Yes, Methinkso I'm realizing now it STILL hurts a heck of a lot. Yours maybe worse because she actually stole something from you. All I ever had was the possibility of a bike. I'm having flashbacks, now. My arms are prickly with rage and I want to go bawl my head off.

Also regarding the bobbin tension on the sewing machine, I've definitely adjusted it. It works for a while and then... blammo. The other possibility is that the foot tension is the source of the problem. I'm pretty sure I threaded the machine right, but of course I don't actually have the manual to confirm, do I? Grrr... .

Oh well, it's a crappy sewing machine anyway. I hardly ever use it, and in fact, I think that's part of the cruelty of the gift. It works well enough to make it hard to justify getting a new one, but just badly enough to drive me insane!

That's it. I've decided. I'm gong to donate it.

You'd probably feel empowered if you get rid of the machine. If you are doing light duty and not in need of a commercial machine they are extremely affordable unlike years ago. A 'avg' need machine is $100 now.

Oh my. You need some work about the residue of the bike. Just remember that 'they are only thoughts, they cannot hurt you' if you are having a lot of inner turmoil this late at night about the bike (and other memories).

x

I happened to read DebbieJoe - father's gifts to her!  Could I also have a third in the BPD land rush?  My father (issues tba but BPD is coming up on the right... .) asked me what I wanted.

I said guitar.  I got coins to start a coin collection and stamp collecting.  How does music translate to coin/stamp?  Yes, yes, I know, buy the guitar now... .but weird thing - I'm now doing tech stuff for a folk band that has, you guessed it... .guitars, singing and percussion (another thing I really wanted to do, but didn't tell anyone.)

:)

js

The above couple of posts got me thinking.

I must have, somehow, got over it all.

My mum would do the same stuff. She is deceased now has been for 16 years.

She passed away after having Motor Neuron Disease.

I was no contact (her choice) untill my brother told me she had the Disease (she wouldn't tell me)then I contacted her after my last baby was born. I was with her till the end 18 mths later.

Theres many stories about beaut gifts to my brother's and thier partners/wives and zip zero to myself or my kids.

The last I recall, (but not with anger or rage anymore, just sadness for her), - she painted two lovely landscapes for my brothers. One each. Beautifully framed. They were her going away gift to rememeber her by.

My painting was hurried and barely finished. Of three Mongolian children with a goat on a hill in the bleakest weather. The children were looking forlorn and exposed. The paintings couldnt have been so different in feeling. My Sister In Law and Step Dad told me that Mum had said "it was what she saw when she thought about me, I just didnt inspire her the way the boys did".

As soon as I was given that painting after she died, I burnt it. And my 16 year old daughter supported my emotions by burning all the beautifull jewlery and expensive clothing Mum gave her as gifts three months before. It was a ritual we just had to have and my Step Father was furious about it.

She would drive past my home to deliver gifts to my siblings families. At least once a month I'd see her drive past with not even a look sideways at our house.

One gift she did give my daughter was art supplies... Great gift but with a hitch - Jaz couldnt bring the gift home, it was only to use at grandma's and no drawings of God or angels allowed.

I actually giggle now. Its seems so halarious. I was torn and injured at the time and was so very angry whenever I was reminded of these things.

But today I read these stories that do bring back the memories and I find the humour. I hope you all do too one day.

Its all so absurd, this behavour. It just have to have a comic side to it. But its taken time for me.

Thanks for the posts.

Thanks CheBlossom: I'm at the humour stage, too - friends have helped turn it into a joke.

But it used to hurt hurt hurt like anything.

And those bike stories - that's just barbarian torture therapy. OUCH! Not to mention the painting - ceremonial burning sounds like it was a great idea to me. When mum  left dad we had a ceremonial clean out - chucked all the things she'd had to be seen to keep. Even some nice things, simply because he gave them to her. Worth it for not having the 'bump' on the sore place every time she looked at them.

I know my BPDsis' chn (who've left home) think she doesn't love them because she's hopeless about sending presents. Irony is that she buys them - but then doesn't post them. Sometimes it's because she can't afford it (so budget for mailing expenses when you buy the gift!) but mostly I think it's fear. I don't know. I just know that for years and years they've not been sent any acknowledgement of their birthdays. Not sure about Christmas. Have never been able to talk to her calmly about that one.

Mind you - if anybody else missed one of her chn's birthdays when they were at home... .That was an explosion and a half. (Sometimes it was just that we hadn't phoned when she thought we ought to have - because we'd planned to phone in the evening, for example).

I'm at the point where I wish my father *would* forget b/day or Christmas, better than having to find homes for the crappy gifts.

I've instituted the 'gift that gives' cards at Christmas and am hoping that by example might lead other family members into this as an option - after all, we're all adults, we can buy stuff for ourselves, two of my sibs are quite well off so giving them anything seems extraneous... .

And there are so many in the world who could do with a donation.

Regarding being over it. Most of them--and there are loads more I'm now realizing--I'm definitely over and some, like the sewing machine, truly are hilarious.

But the bike thing was just beyond weird. It was more like torture. And it sort of caught me off guard because I hadn't thought about it in so long.

Since my baby became a toddler, I've been getting deeper levels of "stuff". Sometimes things I thought I had gotten over come back because I see them from a different perspective. It's like--I knew this was bad, but the idea of doing something like that to my own child... .and waves of emotion come up.

I've actually gone back into therapy precisely because of this. Anyway, yes, it was just feelings and all is well.

For the most part, the gifts I've received as an adult never caused me that much pain, they were more like "HUH?"

The very saddest part of this whole thing, is that everyone on here is right... .its all about THEM!  Every single part of the gift, is all about them, and how they give it to you... .to control you.

In talking with my dad last night about this thread, and how interesting I thought it was, and how much insight it has brought, we started talking with my brother.  Whom I have had no contact with in over 5 years... .but he continues to ignore that their is a problem with my uBPD mother.  He has expressed concern to my dad a few times about the issues with my mother... .but in the end he decides to ignore it... .WHY?  I asked... .because they haven't caught on to the manipulation yet... .and they are being continually "bought" by my mother... .

Being on the outside, knowing the truth, it just disgusts me... .but we all have learned at our own time, and our own pace about the truth of what really goes on in these BPD relationships... .But with the denial, comes cash, and gifts and trips, and things... .why would he give that up?  I just hope and pray, he comes out of his deep denial... .and realizes the truth... .in order to help my uBPD mother get help.

I doubt it.  I will continue no contact with her, to help keep my sanity.

For some reason I go totally blank on gifts as a child. 

I do remember Dad 'stealing' presents before Xmas.  Mother's FOO learned never to post anything because he wouldn't pass it on.

I knew where uBPDad stored the Xmas presents so I'd 'check' the stash a few days before Xmas, while he was out.

One year I saw a bunch of presents addressed to me in the closet and on Xmas I never got them.

I did ask if there were any others and it prompted a huge rage.

I don't think he had any intention of ever giving me the presents from his family or friends (Its one of my memory blockages, the name on the tags - I still have a lot of gaps in my memory). 

It was just a set up.

My Queen Witch Sister steals presents from her children, too.

One year I was with Sister 2 (the alcoholic) and she showed me the lovely gifts she'd bought for the Witch's Prisoners.

A few weeks later I went to visit The Witch, it was a few days after Xmas and I asked the kids if they'd liked the presents from their aunt.

They looked confused and said 'What presents?'

I asked The Witch about it and she went into a rage and said that Sister 2 hadn't sent anything and Never Did... blah blah blah... .I was confused and said 'But she showed me, and she told me that she sent them.'

I reported this to sister 2 and she said 'but I sent them... .' and then added 'Perhaps they got lost and they'll turn up.'  they never did.

I did believe she sent them.

Anyway, a few years later I was the sister out of favor and I went ahead and posted xmas gifts to The Witch's Prisoners as usual.

one of her oldest friends was at that stage living a few doors from me and she told me off for neglecting to send the chlidrens' presents.

I started putting it together and showed her the dockets for the gifts - which I always kept, because the btch would always play some power game about needing to exchange them, so her flunky said 'Perhaps they got lost in the mail.'

The witch lives out bush so this is possible.

Her daughter had a BD soon after Xmas so this time I got canny and sent the gift by registered post so that only the recipient could sign for it.  The Witch ignored it for a month and then stormed in, made her child sign for it (I have a friend in the community so the story got back to me) and then opened it, installed a nasty note saying that any further presents would be sent to charity and never to contact them again, and re-addressed it and sent it back to me.  It cost her thirty bucks because she added the stash of presents that I'd sent for Xmas and which she'd told all her friends that never arrived.

The next time I spoke to her idiot friend I told her what sis had done and she wouldn't believe me because sis had said that I never sent the kids any presents and they'd asked the kids and the kids had agreed.

How vile is the present theft? 

I've actually just been cleaning out the cupboards and I found that box of gifts, four years later, and decided its time to let that one go.  I was keeping it as 'evidence' of her insanity to show the kids when they escape, but I don't think it will be necessary. 

Oh yeah... .sister 2 the alcoholic started giving me alcohol or such as gifts every Xmas.  I tried pointing out to here that I don't drink and DH rarely drinks, these days.

She didn't hear it because the next year she gave us a cocktail shaker.

Her youngest son picked up the habit and started giving alcohol as gifts, I think it was him picking up on her passive aggression.

I was never sure how to deal with it, so I would say 'Thanks for the thought.  We don't drink but a guest might enjoy it.'

And then we'd wind up throwing it out.

I just don't fathom the 'gifts as spite' motivation.

Its just foul.

Not from uBPDm, but got this from uBPDgrandma. A bar of soap and a wash cloth, telling me to clean my mother's house. I don't actually remember receiving it, but my step-mom remembers me telling her about it.

Lady J: who would *want* to remember that! Any idea how old you were at the time?

Ye gods and little fishes (sorry, family saying) - how delightfully 'thoughtful'! 

SaNPDiper: don't have direct evidence of the 'withholding of gifts' but very strong suspicions of it happening to BPDsis' children - not by her but by one of her ex's whom we thought was pretty weird in his own right. Only after she left, though. Some of the children went back to him a few years after she took them (he lived in outback Australia on large property with only homeschooling, not very well enforced, and they could run wild; BPDsis was pretty off centre at that time so suspect home wasn't too happy with her and we were too far away to be a reachable escape on a daily basis). We maintained contact but the kids didn't, really - and have no idea if they ever received our gifts.

An aquaintance of mind had what sounded like an uBPDexwife and when he first left her (chn were <12) he was allowed to visit until one of his stepkids (she'd been married to an alcoholic previously) accused acquaintance of hitting him, turned up in court with marked face etc. (Acquaintance knew he hadn't so who had?) Anyway, was down to limited contact after that and yes, all the gifts he sent were returned.

At one point he waited outside a child's school to give them the gift - exwife pulled child from school, moved them to another school and told the court she thought he was trying to hurt the child. Said the same thing the first time he took her to court about returned gifts - explained she thought they were 'dangerous'. He couldn't afford the constant court hearings and so, unfortunately, gave up. So those kids (now mostly >18) think that their father couldn't be bothered staying in touch and so didn't love them.

Withholding gifts is a great way of convincing kids that relatives don't care - even if they do. So is diminishing the gifts that *are* given, verbally - the kids desperately want approval of their BPD parent so go along with the story, half the time. (Have heard some tales of that, too.)

Mind you, it's not only PDs that give dreadful gifts! My g'mother, who was a nice enough lady, just a bit controlling, always gave my Knight Bro a brown shirt for his birthday. Every year for at least 10yrs. Only problem was that Knight Bro hated brown, never wore it! (Nobody in the family did, nor did my grandparents, so it was all a bit mysterious!)

Thanks for all the sharing, people - it's certainly confirmed what I've been thinking over the years about those gifts.

It really is about control - of how we react, of who we are, of how we live our lives, our choices in all things including taste in music, clothing etc. And it's definitely a way to demonstrate our value (or lack) to them.

After the Mrs Crocker thing I'm going to start another thread on food so keep an eye out for it but keep posting here, too, if you have more to share! Or vent!

Am finding it obscurely comforting to find how common this is/has been for so many.

A side question to it (not worth another thread, I don't think - say if you do) is who has difficulty thinking what to give the BPD in their lives - if they're still in contact? Or just to people who have some BPD traits? (Or are enablers?)

Regarding gift giving in BPD land:  They (oow I almost said "we"  ?) give gift cards or checks.  It's sort of ridiculous, because the foo (the we almost showed up again- ick!) wind up with essentially the same amount of money/gift cards/checks that the foo gave. 

What's the reason for gift giving anyway?  Isn't it to show that WE (not ick, us) care for people?

js

For me gift-giving is not only about showing you care about someone but that you also know them as people - the gift should reflect your relationship with them, so to speak.

Most of my sibs know me not at all and so the gifts I get are about who they think I should be. My uNPD father wouldn't know me (the person inside) from a bar of soap if he met me in a bathroom, as I've said before, so his gifts are invariably about who he wants me to be in his world.

My darling non-mum knows me (the real me) very well and at one point when two of my clueless sibs asked me what I wanted (hate that question!) for my birthday and I refused to answer, she wrote them a two-page list to pick from! All the things she would like to give me if she could have afforded them all at once!

I must admit I'm not keen on gift vouchers for the reason you described, js, and also because, in my family, it's the 'then I don't have to think about it' solution. Especially as often the gift vouchers are from rewards points they have accumulated in particular stores.

I only give gift vouchers if someone has particularly requested it or I happen to know they are saving for some particular thing they really want from a particular store. I did get one recently for a nephew - he's at the difficult teenage age and I would happily have bought him a dvd but didn't know his taste or what was in his current collection, so included a note explaining that.

Again and again it's about the attitude behind the giving - the gift is valueless, emotionally/psychologicall, if the giver is picking the easiest solution for *them*.

I don't expect everyone to enjoy planning gifts the way I do but if they are only interested in throwing money or bad attitude at it, please don't give me anything as it's more than meaningless - it's hurtful!

Same can apply to flowers - a huge arrangement (expensive) from a professional florist can be meaningless if without a nice message or unless the flowers have some particular meaning for the receiver; but a bunch of haNPDicked from a friend's garden can touch the heart.

My uBPD MIL gave us some nice Wedding and shower gifts last Spring and Summer, most of the gifts were on our registry which is fine and we were happy to get them but on the same token I would have thought they she would have given us more "meaningful, thoughtful" gifts.  We got a set shts, a toaster oven, one bath towel and a digital photo frame.  Again we are grateful and now knowing her better the last year or so, I know she isn't the type to give the "thoughtful, meaningful" gifts.  My Mom does do that... the  kind that bring a few happy tears.  Anyway, we aren't grateful but for a wedding gift, I would think she would let others purchase those gifts.  The day after our wedding we had a gift opening, she was always wanting to have us open her gifts first, very obvious and we happened to received 2 of the digital frames and of course she was jealous and had that pouty face.  We returned one of them because we didn't need both and again she was pouty, I think we returned her's simply because she spent more and we were able to purchase another item that we could use.  UGH!  Lastly we were receiving wedding gifts in the mail weeks before the wedding and if a gift came from one of her relatives she insisted that we open it, we really wanted to wait until the gift opening day.  She wouldn't have known that we had goten the gift but it was sitting out with others on our living room floor and she snooped.  She would not quit pouty and bugging us about it... .it was so childlike!  Anyway... this is a great thread, it's amazing all of the similarities that people with BPD have.

Hey apples, just wanted to say that I have this feeling you feel some responsibility to "feel grateful" for something when your gut is telling you there's something wrong.

ThursdayNext hit the nail on the head

For me gift-giving is not only about showing you care about someone but that you also know them as people - the gift should reflect your relationship with them, so to speak.

This is especially true for parents on their child's wedding day, I should think. Okay maybe some people might be better than others at this, but still--a bath towel? Those gifts reek of "well I have to get them something. And I should spend x amount of dollars so that can't complain."

Know that it's entirely okay to be baffled and even insulted that your MIL wouldn't give her son and his new wife a more thoughtful gift. In fact, it's important to acknowledge that feeling--it's a good part of how you avoid getting sucked into the FOG.

My entire life I was so completely confused by the expression, "It's not the gift, but the thought that counts". My mother and grandmother used this expression all the time, even though the thoughts involved with their gift giving were either non-existent or insanely perverse.

Thanks, but if that's your thought, I'd rather have no gift at all.

You are completely correct!  I have a big smile on my face.  She probably thought, "I have $$ to spend, I'll get them 1 towel"... .I never thought of it that way.  I know she isn't at all touchy, feely and now I don't expect it.  All of this is so hard for me... .:-(  I grew up in a very loving, healthy family.  My family is so baffled, sad and angry with how she is treating me and my husband(her son).  I have shared many things with them so that they can try and understand and it 's a way for me to cope as well.  I can't keep it all bottled up.  And yet some days I know I dwell on it too much.  I try to go days without any researching and self educating, I have been giving it a rest :-) They tell to hang in there and try my hardest to not let it bother me.   Easier said than done! I don't want to sound ungrateful for her gifts but I fully admit that I thought it was odd... .

apples, this is a big one that I've had to get over - allowing myself to *not* feel grateful for crappy gifts. Even things that are okay but not situation-appropriate (like your wedding towels!) or person appropriate.

You don't have to feel grateful. Gratitude or thankfulness is something that should flow naturally, not be forced.

Made harder by the fact that most BPs (and NPs) *expect* gratitude for every little thing, action, whatever. Have burned in my brain memories of uNPD father, just like small child, expecting 'pat on the head' response for doing the smallest ordinary thing, like remembering a birthday or putting out the garbage bins. (Mum or I usually did that. uNPD father did ***nothing*** around the house except mow the lawn, amidst much whinging.)

Anyway, gratitude is not compulsory. Allow yourself to feel neutral or resentful. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, don't try to talk yourself out of them. We've all had our feelings controlled or dictated for so long - it's important that we allow ourselves to be ourselves now.

My usual response to the icky presents is a bread-and-butter 'thankyou for your gift' note.

It's much harder if the person is right there but you know what? Showing a *real* reaction not an artificially created one is part of making people - not just PDs live with the consequences of their actions. HEaven only knows we've had to live with the reality of their reactions to our gifts for years.

Let go of the 'need to please' with reaction. You are not being mean. You are being you. And that's a good thing!

Just chiming back in... .this "oh gosh I sure don't want to seem ungrateful/rude/superior/insulting/opinionated... ." or whatever. This way of being, combined with the sensitivity you've described in at least one other post, is precisely the type of personality that can be really torn to pieces by a BP, because we don't stick up for ourselves.

Now of course, I can imagine why one might want to at least feign some appreciation for the gifts--it's your mother in law, your wedding day, you haven't had that much experience with this sort of thing to imagine there might be some other way to react, etc.

So I'm not saying you "should" have or "shouldn't" have thought or felt or behaved differently in this situation. But at the very least, it is good and right and healthy to vent to people you can trust with NO APOLOGIES. Give yourself the right to your own feelings.

I guess I'm addressing the need to learn from this more than the need to have handled it differently. With BP's it's really important to start recognizing when your gut tells you something isn't right, and learn how to handle that assertively when necessary.

It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family, so you probably don't need to learn how to recognize your instincts, but if you've been taught to be polite and self effacing just as a matter of "good manners," you may feel inclined to ignore your feelings or suppress them in order to avoid reacting in a way that isn't--dare I say--"ladylike." 

The rules are different when you're dealing with people who don't PLAY by those rules. Think Dorothy in Oz; think Alice in Wonderland. It may not seem like a big deal now, but it adds up, and people with no boundaries will push and push and push at yours, taking every inch--or mile--they can get. It's really really important to learn to stand up and assert yourself.

Just realised rereading my post that it may have sounded like you should have dealt differently - I didn't mean that.

I meant pretty much what DeeEsse said (thanks DE!) just that you should recognise that you are **allowed** to feel your feelings! And you don't have to apologise for feeling them or feeling guilty about feeling them or whatever.

Sorry if it sounded anything other than that.  :)

Thursday Next - gosh, I don't remember how old I was, probably early to mid teens, though.

My uBPDmom always gave nice presents, except for clothing which would always be overly large and frumpy. But my dad and his mom are a different story. I suspect that my dad has narcissistic traits and that my grandmother had some sort of PD in the past, possibly borderline, although she's mellowed out a lot with age.

My dad used to give my mom cookbooks and trashy airport novels, probably because he didn't respect her intelligence. She would then get pissed about it for days on end. He gave me the opposite type of problematic gift - extremely dense books on arbitrary topics like painting, airplanes or genealogy, when I was 7 or 8 years old. I still wouldn't want to suffer my way through that stuff. This was stuff that he was interested in, but not me.

My grandmother is very religious. She's given me: A little sampler with "Jesus loves me" on it, biographies of people who lived in sin until they converted to her religion, and other such tripe like that. My dad has gotten some really inappropriate gifts - can't remember most of them, but I do remember that she once gave him a farmer's almanac. My dad is an attorney who lives in a medium-sized city. He apparently got very upset over this; my grandmother has always disapproved of his profession and thinks he should be a farmer or minister, and this type of present is her way of reminding him of what he COULD have been.

My aunt, whom I don't know too well, has her own problems from what I've heard and her kids are pretty messed up. She gave me a hymn book for my 18th birthday.

I think these people have trouble with gift-giving because they can't see others for who they really are. They're too busy projecting and transferring various things onto them.

Weird presents:  Once my mom gave my 14 yr old son a choice for his birthday.  Dancing lessons, or a donation to be made in his name to help preserve ocelots.

She gave my uncle a broom one Christmas, as a gag gift because he was, in her words, a neat freak.  However she neglected to back up the gag gift with a real one.  For the record, my uncle isn't a neat freak, my mom is a slob.

I was always being given books that she considered classic but which I had no interest in.  To be fair, some of them I did eventually read and enjoy.

Last time I was there for Christmas (three years ago now), she gave me a woman's scarf.

To be fair, sometimes she gave gifts which were very thoughtful - a handmade super-scarf, a nice quilt she made herself, things that fit my interests very well.

Lady Jane, still think that soap gift was revolting - the attitude that went with it is the worst.

theleveebreaks: your words about cookbooks and trashy novels reminded my so much of my uNPD father-dear-father. He, too, is an intellectual snob (of the 'my brain is so big that I shouldn't have to do mundane tasks like other mortals, everybody should look after me because of my super special brain' variety). He devalued the reading of all of us in the family - used to pick whatever we were reading (if it wasn't a classic or a currently recognised writer of 'good literature' with two fingers and say 'what *are* you reading' with this look on his face as if he'd just come across a very smelly dead body. Never gave my mother books - 'there's no point, she doesn't read' (gee, would that be because she's too busy running round doing all the things you think your brain is too big to do?) And if we gave him books for presents he was always supercilious about it. Highest praise I ever got (well, not praise - more of a grudging thankyou) was with regard to a book I'd bought for him. It had won a major Australian prize for literature. Father-dear-father said: 'You know, that was quite good!' with great surprise, not only at the skill of the writer but also that I'd managed to recognise a good writer without his expert assistance.   

Oh, and re the religious thing: now that my darling non-mum is no longer there to cover by choosing all the presents (actually, I usually did it) for grandchildren, father-dear-father has to do it himself. For Christmas 2008 he gave his 13yr old grandson a book on Catholic liturgy/beliefs and a rosary. My sister's husband is a very lapsed non-practising Catholic and the family does not attend church. Needless to say my nephew was... .somewhat confused and very unimpressed. Had to help eldest sister try and cover when darling nephew did the 'look what grandpa gave me' thing with an expression on his face as if he'd been given a dead snake. I did try and put a good spin on it but only because sis was determined to. Normally I'd just say, 'well, religion is important to grandpa'. Actually since my mum left, he's become even more fundamentalist (think he believes she'll go to hell for leaving him) tho he's not Catholic. Seems to think it's his job to give religious education to his lapsed and pagan grandchildren. For some reason they're not keen on the idea - wonder why?  :)

stellaris: ah, yes, the 'I'm only joking' insulting gift or phrase. They specialise in this, so often, don't they? Gift once from u?NPD bro (chosen by his controlling wife) - a pair of socks to go with shoes (at the time I didn't wear socks with shoes) and a cheap pad of writing paper from the newsagent. Because I like to write letters.   They're so often good at the 'it was only a joke, you're always so supersensitive' thing aren't they? And doesn't it make you feel sick to the stomach? As for the dancing lessons... .! Unless your son had shown any interest in dance, why would someone do that? And **ocelots**? Sounds like she wanted to make the donation so set it up so that she knew he'd choose the charity option. Pity he didn't want to learn tap or jazz or something funky - then she'd have had to pay up as she didn't specify what *kind* of dance!

I thought this thread had died - good to see it's still reaching people.

Ye gods, though - imagine how high the rubbish tip of 'crappy presents from PD rels/family/friends' must be!

This is a great thread - nice to have something to laugh about here!

My u BPD sister-in-law ranks right up there with some of the best.  In fact, I routinely take the gifts she gives us and try to sell them on Ebay!  Last year it was some kind of magnifier thing that you wear on your head and look ridiculous... .before that it was some kind of computer software that's supposed to increase your intelligence; one year she gave me a glass dish that I displayed in our bathroom with pretty soaps and decorative washcloth - she exploded when she saw it, threw a fit that her gift was in the BATHROOM of all places!  She also definitely shows favoritism with her gifts - anyone else experience that?  One of our daughters was her favorite for a number of years; she would send her money and give her large gift cards for Christmas - pretty much ignoring our other 3 kids.   

Thursdaynext - you are absolutely correct.  My son was about as dance-uninterested as it is possible for a twelve year old boy to be.  She's a big environmentalist (I wish she put half the effort into me that she put into her environmentl issues), and I am quite certain that she wanted to send the money to the ocelots, and that she wanted to brag about her grandson's environmental awareness and big-hearted giving.

To this day, when she gives a strange and innappropriate gift, we call it an ocelot.

picturelady - favouritism.  My BPD grandmother once gave my 7 yr old sister a skateboard.  She was really too young for one, while I, at ten, was living in a world where skateboards were cool.  It was an "extra" present, and by far the coolest one she'd ever gotten either of us.  I got nothing.  My sister wasn't really into it, but did use her ownership to exercise power in letting me borrow it or not (I can't blame her, both mom and grandma were playing "divide and rule".

I did have a lot of fun on her skateboard, but the favouritism hurt.  And I did eventually (like, a year later) get my own skateboard.

Chris

Wow, Chris, the favoritism you described sounds so familiar.  Every Christmas my MIL would make a big ordeal of having the kids open the presents one at a time.  (Of course it had to be very controlled.)  Our oldest daughter always received bigger and better gifts than the other kids... .our 2nd child was very close to her in age and of course felt the discrepancy.  Once all the presents were opened, MIL would disappear to her room to bring out something(s) "extra" - with great fanfare - for our oldest.  Our 2nd son would wait expectantly... .for nothing.  I know it hurt.  Thanks for your insights.

How about the time my BPD sister was picked up by the police, wandering the streets with a purse full of sleeping pills, and taken to the psychiatric facility, where the doctors asked if this was her first suicide attempt.  I truthfully said no, so they kept her for a week.  As they took her away she screamed  that I was a liar, there was no reason for her to be in there, throwing things at me, etc... .

I took her two very traumatized small children for the week.  They had not a stitch with them, I bought new clothes, shoes, socks, underwear, pajamas, toothbrushes... .I cuddled them and talked with them, took them to the park, read stories, played, got up when they were crying... .took the phone away when I heard the oldest say, "no Mom you don't really want to kill yourself... ."

After she was released from the hospital and the children went home, she appeared on my porch with a BASKET in which was a box of COOKIE MIX and a COOKIE CUTTER--and said with a cheerful smile, "This is for watching the boys for me while I was away!"

Ah, great - so you get to make the cookies and then give them to her, presumably? Oh, yeah. That's like the time father-dear-father (uNPD) gave me a recipe book for muffins - I didn't eat them but he did!

Haven't experienced the favouritism gift giving much although my uNPD Knight Bro (rescuer!) is showing definite signs of that. Small, limited gifts to those he's angry with or disapproves of in terms of they're not doing what he wants. More expensive gifts to those in favour.

I can laugh about it because I'm an adult but can only imagine how much it hurt for you as children - and when it was your mother or father, especially.

   to all - hope your heart-bruises are healing and you are enjoying giving well-chosen, appropriate gifts to all those you love!

You know, I just had a flash of insight.

When I was 7 and 8 (grade 2 and 3) I walked to school, and I was sometimes late.  Being late meant going to the principles office and was a very scary experience.

Anyway, for my eighth (I think) Christmas, I got a watch.  We were allowed to open one present each before my parents were up, and I levered my bleary self out of bed at 3 AM to go and open my present.  I was very, very dissappointed, having hoped for a cool toy of some kind.  My sister (4) got a tea set and I was jealous of this.  However my mom explained that the watch was to help me get to school on time, and that she had thought I was big enough to appreciate a watch.  She didn't minimize my dissappointment or anything.

Only this moment have I realized that... .

A)  It was >her< job to get me up, dressed and out the door to get to school on time, all the running and panic that I had over being late wasn't really my fault at age seven.

B)  By giving me the watch, she made this my responsibility!

C)  A watch?  For the primary present for an eight-year old?

Interestingly enough, both my sister and I were typically late for school when my father was driving us.  In Gr 7 I had a very abusive schoolteacher, and tried to refuse to get up (my father would dribble water on me, or occasionally just dump my mattress onto the floor).  We were often late - for Gr 8 I was late almost every day even, but that school didn't care or track it effectively)  Only in Gr 9, in a school that did track lateness and where I was responsible for getting myself there did I show up typically on time.  Of course, I went without breakfast most days because I cut it too finely, my father and sister were already gone, and my mother slept in till the afternoon.  I also often missed lunch.  However, that's a different issue.

Chris

Stellaris's experience with the watch gift brings another memory to me.

First, mother never wore a watch, never. Never in her life did she wear a watch even when she was employed.

I was gifted with a watch when I was about ten. It was too large for me. A couple years later Dad took out some links so it fit. But by then, I was arising before dawn to get myself ready for school, then getting 'the boys' up, (one older, one younger than I) then waking mother.

THESE are the kinds of messages, IMO, that we often grapple with here to define HOW we became parentified. (And guilted into FOG). 

Oh yes.  For a long time, Mom kept pushing me to collect something, thereby simplifying things, but the only thing I was interested in collecting was books.  Easy, right?  Nope.  At twelve I got Anna Karenina.  Another fun book was Pablo Neruda's complete collected works; the next year, I got a smaller collection of his love poems.  Now perhaps if I were an adult at the time, or spoke Spanish, these gifts might have made sense, but the same frigging book?  Then as an adult, what do I get?  "The Muppets take Manhatten".  The background to the Muppets things was particularly painful.  When I was in kindergarten, I liked Miss Piggy.  All the girls did.  Mom tells me to invite them to my party, which will be a Miss Piggy themed party, and I'm ecstatic.  They arrive, and instead of Miss Piggy, my mother's chosen to make the cake - and party - about Oscar the grouch.  You guessed it, the cake was him coming out of the garbage can.  Imagine the teasing I got from the other kids, and it's not shocking that I started avoiding the Muppets, which I did.  Even started having nightmares about the Kermit doll in my room and everything.  So getting the DVD in my 20s... .thanks Ma.  The worst though, were the dolls.

I was having memory problems, and we moved a lot, and it was my responsibility to find my way home from school.  I was around 12 or 13 and had lived somewhere a few months when I got lost on the way home.  In retrospect I was probably triggered and dissociated, because it was hours later when my mother saw me standing in front of a furniture store and asked me what the heck I was doing there, and not having an answer or wanting to admit that I didn't know either, I panicked and pointed to a porcelain doll that was decorating a child's bedroom set.  "Isn't she beautiful?"  My mother dropped the subject, I hopped into the car, and that, I thought, was that.  I was actually grateful for the first few dolls, since even though they reminded me of that panicked, spacey feeling, I had indicated interest, and it's the thought, right?  Four years later there are dozens of them, perfectly posed on stands and benches, lady dolls, baby dolls, Alice from Wonderland from my pedophile father, ridiculous untouched dust-gathering symbols of lifeless, hollow fragility that I can't seem to admit I never wanted anyway.  My stepfather at the time was stealing money from my mother, and going through her mail.  As a favor one afternoon, I grabbed the mail and put it in her desk for her, only to be confronted by my raging and violent stepfather, who pinned me in my closet as I was changing into my chore clothes, before yanking my Sega right out of the wall and ruining both it and wall socket, giving me just enough time to pull my shorts on before he picked me up and threw me outside.  I was more scared than hurt, but I was bleeding where my hands and knees were scraped, and beyond indignant when the mother I'd been trying to protect blamed me for "provoking" him.  When I was allowed back in the house, I took every single one of those dolls and undressed and unbraided them, before slumping them over in their stands like possessed zombies, wild and disheveled and oddly satisfying.  The next day I went to school, hiding my scratched palms in long sleeves, only to come home and find every doll redressed and coifed, perfectly arranged and smoothed and braided, a feat even I could not have accomplished since who'd remember what went where?  It would have taken hours, there were that many.  I went straight into the bathroom and threw up.  That Christmas, for the first time, I unwrap another darn doll and don't bother hiding my disgust.  "I'm going to be eighteen next month; don't you think I'm a little old for this?"  She gave me the sneer-smile, before bantering, "Well you still play with them, don't you?"

The worst present I ever got though, wasn't from my mother; it was from my father.  He mailed me and my live-in boyfriend edible body paints for Valentine's Day.  I'm probably going to be in therapy for the rest of my life... .

Lava,

You were put through the ringer. Very sad stories.

I spoke here before of having wanted a barbie doll when I was 7. None came. But when I was twelve evilsis got a barbie doll (she was 5) and I got the midge doll.

Mother gave that midge doll back to me when I was in my 30's. The doll was naked and it had holes poked in it's 'nipples'. I am sure (in all practicality but no memory) I'd poked those holes. Seems to have come from a straight pin. And the doll was naked, and I did have some vague memory of making it so.

I have two analysis. One, I was angry and 'trashed' that f'n doll I didn't want under the circumstances, OR I'd done that because I'd been molested my an older male cousin and am old man pervert a block away from our home. He 'grabbed' by breasts when I was ten and didn't even have breasts yet. He aggressively tried to entice me into his home. Of course I told nobody of any of this. What the hell good would it have done then? Aroused mother into another blaming rage? Yep, most likely.

Oh yes!  I'm reading through all of your replies and having a good laugh.  My BPD mom has given us crazy gifts all throughout the years.  The last "gift" was an old, outdated box of "Tom Cruise" brand of sour gummie candy that had been manufactured in China.  duh?  She frequents an old department store that re-sells old crap and then gives it away.

She's also been famous for trying to give me her clothes that she orders online from hideous places.  She got obsessed with moleskin shirts last year and she'd repeat over and over "it's moleskin, it's moleskin"  weird. 

She has been hellbent on giving me ugly jewelry that she gets as free gifts from her online ordering.  Last one was a huge charm bracelet that would have fit a grizzly bear.  Funny stuff.  Wow, it's great to finally be able to reach out to others with such strange experiences as these. 

My dad married an uBPD waif/queen/witch about 7 years ago, we are pretty much no contact with them due to her antics.  The only gift we received from her was a potato peeler.  Boy oh boy, my enmeshed father went on about how wonderful she was to give us that.  Give me a freaking break. 

Never received anything else again. Grateful for that! lol

This is one of my favorite threads since I've been on this forum. It's weirdly comforting to hear all these wacked out gift stories and know I'm not the only one. Some of the gifts hurt so much. They seem to embody everything that's wrong with our relationship with the BP. It's fascinating, terribly sad, and yet hilarious all at the same time.

I remembered another one. For my high school graduation my mom gave me a beautiful pendant that belonged to her when she was young. It was a pearl and diamond pendant, a single pearl with a tiny diamond, set in platinum. Not too shabby at face value. She made a big to do about how it was given to her when she graduated from high school and now she was passing it on to me... .blah blah blah...

Only recently did it occur to me that she had simply dug it out of her dresser drawer and it handed it to me: it was a way to get out of having to give any thought to an actual gift that would have had real meaning to me.

I did wear it a few times and I still have it, but it means nothing to me. After getting out on my own and struggling for years with no money, no job, no job skills, no social skills, no family support no nothing... .I seriously considered hawking it a few times just to buy groceries.

You know, everything I've read since I started this thread confirms to me over and over and over again that so much it's about the **thinking** behind the gift - whether from a PD or not.

In most cases with our BPs what seems to hurt us is the **lack** of thinking behind the gift! Okay, sometimes someone gives you something crappy... .

An example: a cousin of mine had been in hospital for suicide ideation. I went and visited him, spent quite a lot of time talking to and listening to him when he came out of hospital, trying to understand his problem (other than depression - he has the medicos well confused, they're still not sure if it's pre-schizophrenia or social phobia or both or something else)... .

Anyway, my aunt strongly suggested he should get me something for my birthday by way of thankyou. He is a penny-pinching soul - but his gift was thoughtful, if cheap. He gave me a $2AU potted colour (pansy) and a small bar of chocolate (he didn't realise at that point that I didn't eat chocolate, just knew that he liked chocolate and it was comfort food!) and a really, really clever/funny card.

I was really touched because this was a time when he was hardly relating to people at all, could barely see outside his own black cloud. It probably cost a total of$5AU but the **thought** was wonderful.

I have been given expensive gifts that are very meaningful not because they're expensive but because of the fact that someone put a lot of thought into who I was and what interested me - and what I needed to follow that interest. I've been given expensive gifts that are meaningless or worse, hurtful, because they lack any thought at all, or the thought is controlling.

I also find that any gift that comes from someone with whom I'm in an uncomfortable relationship - e.g. my uNPD Knight Bro and his Princess/Stepford Wife - is just unbearable, even if it's something I otherwise might like.

Usually it isn't - usually it's a subtle form of control, or seems that way to me.

I'm horrified by some of the stories I've read here - the china doll story gave me chills. I'm afraid I've always disliked china dolls - the more human/real they look, the more I dislike them!

But the cold, calculating, deliberately manipulative and hurtful attitude behind it? That's the worst thing. That's the bit that scars. Not the gift, what it says about the relationship, about this person you are desperate to have a *good* relationship with, usually because they're a parent or significant person in your life... .

I'd be interested to know how partners of SOs would respond to this thread. I know I'm not allowed to post it in two places at once but it would be interesting to know if BPD/NPD SOs are as dreadful at gift giving and the other things we've been discussing as our parent monsters are/have been.

Wishing you all healing - and please keep sharing your stories. It seems to be touching many.

They say its the thought that matters, and I had a NPD bro that gave realy insulting presents. I later found out this is A typical for a covert Narcassist, but I think BPD also play games with gifts.

My NPD bought you things he knew you hated. But he would find a cheap second hand version leave the 5p sticker on it, and give it you. It was bizzar, until I read they do this to disrespect you, put you in your place.

So he got me a second hand bootleg tape of a band I hated one year, with the 5p price on. My Dad would buy the latest "whats on guide", so my NPD got him the same guide but 5 years older, with the second hand 10 pence sticker still on it, of course. It was like this with every present.
 
I’m dyslexic and one year all I got from the BPD mom was a dictionary. It was accompanied by “You’ll never get a job if you can’t spell.” repeated most days.  Not as subtle as my NPD, but did I mention he’s “covert”.  

Another year my BPD just got me a music stand. No instrument to go with it, just the stand.  And an explanation that it was a bargain at the charity shop.

So anyone else had odd funny gifts ?

My (uNPD/uBPD) mother has done that to me as well. Among the worst examples was a birthday gift of a box of 8 or 10 badly damaged and mostly unplayable vinyl records (she knew that I collected vinyl records). She had pulled the box from the rafters of her garage. It was full of dead and dried out insects and spiders and cobwebs.

It was particularly nasty because she knew that I had a phobia of insects and spiders - one that she created in me by using huge plastic insects and spiders to control and terrorize me as a very small child.

Meanwhile that same year she gave my sister (who has since been diagnosed with BPD) a brand new TV for her birthday.

EDIT: Oh, and one year toward the end (my mother and I have been NC for more than 5 years now) she gave me an alarm clock that wakes you up to a recorded message. It was her voice singing, "Good morning, good morning - time to get up, it's your mother!" which would actually have been kind of a cute gift but given the context of our relationship and lives, fills me with horror, dread and grief.

My F/L,  a known by family Narcissist, gave gifts at Christmas that he had received as freebies in the mail. Junkie cheap radios, pens & paper pads (usually with his name on them), One year he actually went all out and gave us calendars... .self printed... .with a picture of him kissing the Popes hand.

Happy Chappy, this tread it hilarious thanks for digging it up   

My SO's daughters unfortunately don't often receive anything from their mom these days.  She is unfortunately, the failed promise queen.

But the most awful gift actually given was a TV Guide with someone on the cover that my SO's older daughter liked.  That was her Hanukkah gift, that was it, nothing for the other 7 days of Hanukkah.  Least she could have done was get a TV Tray, or a TV Dinner to go with it (I miss the eye rolling emoji!).

It's funny and sad all rolled into one.  Thank goodness for the other "normal" family members that know how to celebrate with the girls.

Panda39

I really love this thread! I get strange gifts from both my father, who is narcissistic, and my mom, who is BPD. Lucky me! I'm a double winner!

My parents are divorced so they both do it in different ways. My dad likes to bring over things he wants to throw out, and I'm supposed to be super grateful. Gifts I've received include a random blade from a Cuisinart. One dish from a set that no longer exists. One old seriously fugly dish. A mug he claimed I loved as a child -- I've never seen it. And then he eats all my food.

My mom likes to send gifts to my child and to me when she wants attention. They aren't funny, they're just unnecessary. The point of them is to make me thank her for them and tell her how much I love her. She usually does this when I'm trying to set a boundary. Fun times!

Not presents so much but... .trying to get me to take other people's old stuff.

Like, over the summer, my grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away. She and my mom were not very close. But my mom did her very best to pawn off my grandma's rickety old furnishings and crap onto me.

One of the things she tried to get me to take was a TV stand. I don't need a TV stand. Another was this old dresser that came from some podunk thrift store and none of the drawers in it lined up right.

The last straw was a gun case for rifles. I don't have any rifles. She insisted I could put books in it.

I don't need or want it. When I tell her this, she gets all indignant and calls me ungrateful. *sigh*

    I know someone with a TV Guide that could use the TV Stand  :)

Panda39

I'm in my  thirties... Not so long ago my mother bought me a Kamasutra book with illustrations and stuff... so that I could know how the stuff is done. It felt soo weird. And hurtful in a way, because my romantic life was never successful, because of her humm... education. So, too weird to accept the 'gift' and then she said that she bought the book initially for herself anyways. I don't know, maybe it's just me being too sensitive about it, but it is what it is.

Hi FoxC


I personally don't think it's just you being too sensitive about it. I generally would find this a rather inappropriate gift to be getting from one's mother.

Has your mother given you things before that made you feel uncomfortable? Does she has a history of saying or doing things that you feel are inappropriate or make you feel awkward?

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