BPDFamily.com

Fears lead us to do many things we normally wouldnt do. A fear of rejuection keeps us from chasing the things we want. Fear of not being loved enables us to take abuse from a partner because we sometimes think we wont find anyone else. Fear of intimacy keeps us at arms length from someone who could be what we want, but doesnt have the chance.

This topic and this thread is about you. List your fears, and what you see in yourself that it keeps you from doing. No fear is too small, and no action is insignificant. 

Who is first?

I'm afraid that this is really my fault and the new woman in his life is now getting what I wanted so much, a loving, supportive relationship. He tells friends and family how wonderful his new personal life is and that he is happier than he has been in years. The anxiety, self doubt and outright fear are omni-present.

I would have to say, if I am to be completely honest with myself, that my greatest fear is of failure and rejection.  I also know that I have self-esteem issues that cause a lot of self-doubt and anxiety.  Add to the mix the fact that I am shy, highly sensitive and an introvert.  I probably miss a lot of opportunities because I am not confident enough to put myself out there or assert myself.  And if I do work up the courage to take a risk but it ends in failure, I tend to withdraw even further.

Related to that would be the fear of not being accepted for who I am.  My shyness, sensitivity and introversion were criticized by my parents when I was growing up.  They wanted their daughter to be more outgoing, to have a thicker skin, to be more of a "people person".  Most days I am perfectly fine with who I am, but I can't quite dismiss that underlying fear.

I have made a lot of progress on my fears-- of failure, rejection, loveability..In most of my life I am doing well and really proud of myself. 

But I am still very very afraid of my ex. And this fear allows him to take far too much of my life. I am afraid of the way he manipulates our preteen son and that he is stealing him away from me (We are currently startign mediation on this very issue). I am afraid of how he rollercoasters our older children. I am afraid of his harrassing emails, and his veiled threats and his smirky face when I have to see him. 

I HAD been doing well with boundaries but he has been slowly chipping away at S13 and a recent crisis with D18 has destroyed all my boundaries, my self-confidence and faith. 

I hate this level of fear. I am so glad to have conquered it in so many other places in my life-- but this one is soo hard.   I have reason to be afraid-- he clearly wants to destroy my happiness and he is putting a lot tofime and energy into doing just that. But my level of fear is self-defeating, and actually gets him what he wants.  I know it. And I am working on it. 

Crystal

Well,

I would have to say I have a fear of abandonment, and of course the fear of rejection.  Also I fear that I will end up like my BPDm.  I fear that if I have children (debatable right now) that I will pass on the BPD to my children, and I fear that if I have kids it may "trigger" any BPD traits I have.

I am trying to move beyond it but sometimes it's easier said than done.

My biggest is fear that I'm not enough

I can't/don't love enough (kids, SO, family, friends)

I don't do enough

I'm not good enough

not pretty enough, skinny enough, happy enough, care enough, positive enough, smart enough, give enough, on and on and on . . .

I always feel I could do more, be more, have more, if only I would try harder. . .

I'm my worst critic. But I set the bar so high that I will never measure up so at times I give up trying. I don't fear failure because I live with it everyday and have come to accept it as part of my life. I can fail, I'm good at it   What would I do if I were "successful" in my eyes or someone elses? Now that is a scary thought to me because to be put up on that pedestal means that someone else can come and knock me off. What would I do if I were set above the rest for everyone else to see?

I know one wise thing- To live in fear means to live in half life

I have fear.   

I FEAR the death of my dearest persons.   

Hey, is it a fear of silly rejection?  I do not think so.

The rest fears i can over come.

So?

I fear never being the same after the BPD relationship. I'm afraid that all the horrible things she said about me were true; that her craziness was my fault; that I'll never find love again; and that my whole life will be f***** because of what happened between us. I'm also afraid that the person she's with now is getting what I wasn't "good enough" to get.

All this being said, I'm able to have my "inner executive adult" tell me none of this is rational.

As someone on bpdfamily.com said to me once, "feelings are not facts."

Dave

I'm afraid of being inadequate...less than what people want me to be. I'm a pleaser, always wanting everyone to like me.  I build no walls, I build bridges to let you in... whether you are worthy or not.  I will fill your cup until it runneth over with just a hope that maybe just maybe you will reciprocate. Then when you do not, my heart aches a little bit more that I may not be the valuable one.

I'm trying to determine my own self worth using a mirror rather than a window where I can barely see my own reflection...and seeing mostly a reflection in other's. I'm an alright girl, I just need to learn to be myself and let others make their own assesment based on just being me, not trying to be who you want me to be.

My divorce dangled all my fears in front of me and so I had little to no choice but to just conquer them. 

I feared living alone, got over it.

I feared not being able to financially make it, I am doing okay.

I feared raising a child by myself, so far so good.

So in essence I faced down many of my fears and they are no longer issues.

Except for one---I fear and therefore cannot bare the idea of getting cheated on again.  God that did a number on me.  And I know that I hold back just a bit, that self preservation mode, so that I will never be emotionally and physically vulnerable like that again.  I don't have a self esteem issue or even a question of my worth issue, I just keep about 15% of me solely to myself.  Damned if another man is going to knock the wind out of me like that again.  So yeah, a fear.  Funny thing is, it happened, I survived it...what is the fear about then?  Most fears are because of the unknown.  I know, I know, I know.  Still trying to figure it out.  Any man want about 85% of me?  LOL!

I am afraid of following my affection, trusting, and being wrong again.  It's getting better, but the fear of the big GOTCHA is very real.  I'm afraid of being fooled and ending up in a newspaper article as another person who crossed paths with a violent partner - and didn't make it to the other side.  I'm afraid that this new, strong me will once again be horribly ashamed to admit to friends and family that she is now afraid of someone she once trusted with her heart, mind and body.  I'm afraid of those friends who helped me through DV once before thinking that I am some idiot who can't get it right and avoid bad men.  I'm afraid I'm the kind of person people like to hit, that there's something in me that provokes it.

That fear makes me hold myself back some, just like OFO.  Is it too much holding back, or is it appropriate and healthy, compared to my other instantaneous romances?  I don't know. 

I think I am really most afraid of ignoring/"overcoming" my fears, and getting the big GOTCHA 

I fear abandonment...like at any moment my husband will find someone better than me. I've been married for 26 years and I'm still so sure he'll find someone "prettier, thinner and younger" just like my mom always told me any man married to me would.  This is something I'm working on ALL THE TIME and so far, therapy is helping. 

Trust...it's hard for me to trust anyone.  The only people in my life I trust are my children.  I'm afraid everyone else will turn on me at some point.  I know I sound paranoid but being raised by a uBPD mom, she would turn on me in a split second.  So I hold back and keep people at arms length.  I'm working on this too, but this is a hard one for me. 

xoxox

Michelle

I now fear getting vulnerable.

I now fear intimacy.

I now fear rejection in an intimate way to the point of expecting it.

I now have fear of placing my trust in, and giving my whole heart to another ever again. (I know, that's a big one..."ever again."  It's getting better though.)

I now have fear of not being enough.

I currently have fear of seeing my ex-wife on the street in this town.

I currently have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I use the words, "now"  and "currently" for two reasons.  The first reason is because I'm at least aware at an intellectual level that it's only "for now," because I just came out of the marriage.  It's temporary but they are there at an emotional level.  The second reason is that these fears are new to me at this level of awareness and as a result of this specific (BPD) relationship dynamic.  I've never experienced anything like this before.

As a premise, I don't believe in fear.  As a reality, I have them.  Again as a reality...they kinda piss me off.  I'm not sure getting pissed-off at them is constructive but it might be.  I don't know yet.

Thank you for starting this thread.

Peace, UFH

P.S.

I meant as a premise in my life, not as a premise for a topic...lol

Wow!  My fear...that biggy that stays in my breathing space...is of not knowing who I am AND remembering who I was before stbxdBPDh.  It's worse than amnesia, I would think, because at least those who have amnesia don't remember who they were, and I do each and every minute of the day.  It's the haunt of all haunts...weird amnesia, I'll call it. 

I was so splendidly swept away by husband that I actually said these words, "I'm stepping out on faith with him.  And, whatever comes, I can handle."  Well, the house fell on me.  I had no idea what those words would later come to mean.  He was the perfect package for me...in every aspect.  I had a child.  I would have never made the decision to change our lives had I one hint of what I bought into.  This is guilt...second in line to weird amnesia. 

Had great life...Scout leader...university director...traveller...adventurer...TO NOW...hermit living 30 miles from the nearest place to buy Italian Roast.  Holy crap, Batman. 

And, yet, I rejoice over the opportunity to make it right...starting today.   *welcome*

This is really good folks. Recognizing our fears is the first step to working with them head on. I thank everyone so far for participating in this. Now, with that being said, take the next step, and actually think about your fears, and tell us what they cause you to do in your life. Understanding that behaviors are driven by fears is a key. In order to understand why we do some of the things we do, we must focus on why we do them.

One of my fears was a fear of rejection. When I was younger, I tended to wait for a woman to chase me, and tried to make her into what I wanted, rather than knowing firsthand what I wanted, and going out in search of that. Wise man once say: Man who wants roast duck will spend too long on top of mountain, with mouth open to sky, waiting for roast duck to fall in. In other words, If you want something, go get it. I tried to just let it drop in my proverbial mouth, and each time something did, it wasnt a roast duck. My actions kept me from having what I wanted, and my actions were driven by a silly fear. I was my own worst enemy.

My fear causes me to push and pull - not unlike a BP  .  It causes me to be winsome and sweet, because I feel that way, but then it causes me to be suspicious and hyper-alert, because experience has taught me that when the guard comes down and you allow yourself to be sweet, spontaneous Mousse, someone will knock you into what they consider to be "your place".  So it gets in the way of experiencing people (men) as people (men), and it causes lots of emotional turbulence.

What can I do about that?  Other than slow down, focus on other things in my life, and not worry so much about intimate relationships.   Focusing on my independence, my vision of a life for myself anf my son, and being okay with the possibility of sleeping alone for the rest of my life.   I'm working on that, and it seems to be going well.  I feel more peaceful, and quieter inside these days. My eating habits have improved mostly  on their own as a result of this peace, I guess.  And it's easier to live and let live.

But that peace comes and goes.  The "turbulent" periods just seem to be a lot shorter - like it's resolved within a day or less, and it's back to navigating my course with confidence.

I have been isolating somewhat but I've also been coming out of that slowly by making friends and meeting musicians.

I also need to find a better employer and I've been coasting along with my current one, a part of that isolation and resistance to change given how things have been over the past year or so.  Now that things are settling down...and I need to make a better income...lol, I'm starting to put out resumes and I'm even getting help from a friend who really wants to see me out of my current job...about as much as I do.

I was taking routes around town in order to avoid the chance of running into my ex.  Obviously...or at least I hope it is, I have no interest in deliberatly putting myself anywhere near where she lives, etc and she lives (to the best of my knowledge) in a part of town far enough away from me.  It was the whole, "chance meeting" thing, for a while but I don't go out of my way anymore.  If I do see her however I have no issue with doing an about face.  I still feel anger toward her at times but it's getting better as the days go by and that the anger is mine to own...and release.

I get "flirted with" at times and my fear of rejection and trust issues are present enough to mention.  I don't give a "flrt" a second thought at this time.  It's not like I have no interest, I just don't have any right now.  I also feel that I haven't grown out of all of this far enough to be able to trust my instincts and it's not so much that I'd jump for any opportunity to connect with someone.  Quite the opposite actually.  I feel that I don't trust my instincts in the way that would tell me, "she is a good person" if I did meet someone I liked.  Here's where some of the vulnerability stuff comes in, I guess.  My fear of vulnerability at this time seems to be the anti-motivator while at the same time being truly open and vulnerable with someone I can trust is something that is very important to me.

I will be thinking about this some more and thank you again for this thread.

Peace, UFH

I fear rejection. Not meeting the expectations of friends. That I will be to depressing/strange for them or that they will get needy and wanting to have more contact than I have room for.

- Therefore I have many friends I see now and then, but no one regularly. I miss having a circle of friends or a best friend.

Thanks for the topic, I have been thinking about this for several days.  I made a lengthy reply, while at work, and it did not post.  I am reminded about how very grateful I am to have had many of my fears relieved.  This is as much about the fears that are gone as much as the ones that remain.

1. I am no longer afraid to leave my home in fear that I will run into him or memories of him.

2. I was afraid that I could not pay my bills on one income.  I found that I am in such a better postion now that I have control over where the money is going.  My uNPDxh had at least 3 credit cards that I did not even know about yet was responsible for half of his debt.

3. I was afraid that my kids would suffer from living in a 2 parent home. They have flourished and I am able to keep most of our traditions/rituals from before.

4.  I still worry that uNPDxh could take my kids away from me, emotionally.  He demands loyalty and I am certain that he blames his poor relationship with D18 on me.  Also, I know that S20 is subjected to a barrage of complaints against me.  I avoid making contact with the kids when they are with their dad.

5.  I am afraid, when I am feeling particularly low, that I really am/was as bad as he says I was.  My own family was subtly turned against me.  Every relationship that I had 5 years ago has been altered in some way.

7.  I too, could not bear the thought of risk of betrayal/cheating.  I worry that I attract men who would harm me.  It's funny that that was one of the things I loved about my husband...that I felt so secure and valued.  When I found out he lied, I found out that he lied about most everything.

8.  I am defintely afraid to become involved with new friends.  I wonder what they want.  I worry that I could not maintain enough committment for even casual friendship (though this is slowly changing).  I do miss my old circle of friends.

9.  I am much less afraid of fear.  I no longer panic when I feel sad/mad/bad.  I now realize that the feelings will pass because finally, I've had enough experience to know that they do.  I try not to "feed" my fears or make them feel too comfortable.

10.  I am no longer afraid of long stretches of time alone.  I keep my weekends pretty full.  I started knitting.  I get involved planning various projects like cohosting D18's graduation party with my sister and her D18.

11.  And finally, a new fear that has evolved.  I see NPD/BPD people everywhere.  I find that I had been naturally attracted to them because they seem challenging/interesting/eccentric.  Now I find my self painfully, yet rewardingly, extracting myself from other toxic relationships.

I fear that I'm not going to go back to the same person I was before my ex.  I fear that all of the "you're the love of my life's" weren't true.  I fear that if I ever hear that again from someone else, I will never believe them.  I fear that something is wrong with me because I actually started to doubt reality.  I fear that I've lost those dreams of true love that I've had my whole life.  I fear that I'm codependent and won't get better (but I'm working on it!). 

I feel that the craziness was my fault.  But I know it wasn't.  It is just taking time to connect all of the dots between my head and heart. 

I fear being rejected, my partner fancyng someone else, wanting someone else.  I fear making a wrong decision and most of all not knowing myself enough to know what's right and wrong for me. 

I fear myself.  I'm afraid my  my-issuesare so caught up with my 'gut' feelings, if I knew what they were, that i will make wrong decisions about the people in my life.

I fear losing people I love. I fear making mistakes, people not liking me. I fear not ever being able to be truly happy, at peace with myself.  I fear feeling like this of the rest of my life.

I fear not having children, I'm frightened of my own head and the place I take myself.

Fear that no-one else will accept me for who I am (not even I've figured that out yet)...

Fear that I will never live up to my own expectations...

Fear of being at fault...

Fear of not being liked...

Fear that I will never discover my own peace or who I 'really' am behind the conditioning, protection strategies and barriers I erect, even to myself...

Like bkay, fear that I won't be able to rediscover the person I was before the FOG...

My fear is that in my new healthy relationship, I am going to freak out all the time because of all the damage my exBPD boyfriend left behind.

I fear that I will never again feel what I felt for my ex.

I fear that I've become, or am becoming, a cynic who no longer believes in 'the fairytale' love affair.

I fear that I will always allow my past with my ex to hurt me and will never forget how she enabled me to feel. (both good and bad)

I fear that the love (I thought) we shared wasn't real.

I fear being alone for the rest of my life.

I fear that I will question another's feelings for me going forward.

I want so much to forget I ever fell in love with her..and forget that I miss her, all the time...

Dani0613, I feel all of those things too! I could not quite express it the way you did... I think a part of me is still a bit shut down.  I am with someone new now, and I fear everything you put on your list.

Good luck.

:)

I touched on this a little in my first post.  My fears keep me from putting myself out there, from taking risks, from expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions and from asserting myself.  They cause me to second guess myself, to have a lot of self-doubt, and they make me my own worst critic.  They cause me to worry that people who know/meet me won't accept me for who I am, and so I hold myself back.

BINGO!  This is me, word for word. 

I fear...

the truth and so I avoid it... there are things that I can't or don't want to admit or talk about

I fear myself, my resolve and not being able to trust that I will do what is best for me

I fear staying and leaving for the wrong reasons and I am not sure which I am supposed to do

I fear hurting my family and my husband by avoiding important things and just staying in the same rut

I fear not ever having children

I fear not being honest with myself and others

I fear that I won't take care of myslef the way I am supposed to becasue I don't know what that means except that I know I am not doing it.

I fear that I will always be struggling with myself

I fear that I can't even be 100%  honest on this site or with ANYONE.


I keep to myself and avoid friends and family and pretend everything is ok.

Now that my H is treating me better, now I have to face what is going on with me and what always has been there that I have been avoiding my whole life.

I am almost crying thinking about how much I put my mom through and am still because of my selfishness and I don't really know why.

I am starting T on wednesday - this time I won't hold back. I will do the work and really get it all out.

I fear that I'm not and can never be good enough.

Extend that thinking and I will always be alone. I will always be rejected. I will always fail.

As a friend (rejected) , as an employee (out of work) and as a spouse (left). 

I've allowed that fear to dictate my actions and control me. Working hard on changing that.

I don't consider myself religious, but I've experienced things that make me wonder sometimes. Seems like there's something out there that gives you just enough when you really needs it and keeps throwing it back in your face when you really need to learn a lesson. Facing fear is mine.

And yes, I'm aware I said always and never in the same paragraph.  my-issues

Fear ah yes something I can certinaly relate to love this thread thanks for the person who started it! :) Well lets see where do we start lol. Fear that I will again fail my very complcated test and be defeted once again by my learning disabilty (which I am growing out slowly lol) and have a hard time building the confidance I need to have in the work world. Fear of faiular in general and definally rejection had a lot of it in life. MOST of all fear of dieing alone. 22 never had a boyfriend last single one out of my friends and afried it will never happen to me. But most of all fear the reason I am not in a relanationship is cause of my momster. She didn't excatly build up my confidance when I was younger espically the weekend shopping trips where we would go in a dressing room together and she would complain about my body and tell me I needed to lose weight constaly. She still does it to this day last Monday "Your a beautiful girl and got everything going for you but all you need to do is lose a little weight then you would have the whole package." I was thinking when she said this to me Umm I should already have the whole package my weight shoun't be a huge deal. When I get married I am gonna have babies and get fat again anyways so why should I waste my time making myself into this plastic barbie to get a guy then just ruin it all? Said ok momster thanks for the advice. Even if I did lose weight I am still going to be the short 5'2 1/2 curvery girl. I am never gonna be a tall model. And it doesn't happen over night. Seems momster doesn't believe this. Whatever. Cause of her contsant nagging at me I hate my body. Am working on it now I have a little seperation from her but still hard espically on vists. Thoes are my fears! ha ha any advice comments go ahead! :) 

Oh ya a few I missed lol another huge fear is becoming like my momster yikes! My brother has even said "You sound like mom." AHHH! lol. And believeing the things she says about me is true. Or the things I have heard her say about me.

Hang in there Teri...just go slow and allow yourself to feel.  I need to practice what I preach when the time comes, but I have to remind myself that we can't punish another for what the previous person did to us. That's unfair to us and them.. 

Good Luck to you too!

Most of the time our fears are about something that hasn't happened yet, or a reaction to past experience in some way.  Very few of them have anything to do with "right now."  I think if most of us sit back, in this moment and recall even just yesterday we'll see not only the same fears but also that few...if any, have actually manifest themselves as we imagine them, if at all.

So what do we do when a fear proves it self to be a reality?

One of the fears that seem common is that we experience some kind of rejection toward or from our former partner and bring it in to our present day world.

It's kind of funny as I have observed myself over the years in my denial of how I actually felt about, and perceived my former.  My denial was so strong that every time she would prove my "fear" to be correct, my "Ah-Ha!" moment would be anti climactic in the least, and no where near liberating rather, even more confusing.

"I caught you being as I feared!"

That's the funny part for me as I then have to ask myself exactly what I was expecting.  Did I expect her to prove me wrong?  I went to her for more lies for 7 years so that she could prove me wrong but as lies go, the cold comfort was short lived as it would give way to the reality of her actions.

Take this to a spiritual perspective in how ever one may view God.

It's like praying for what we don't want.

So, what do we do when our "fear" was founded?  Is it only then when we are forced to live in the reality of a situation that we are forced to overcome our fear...we actually will, or will be build new fears around the reality and continue the cycle of living in them?

I can't tell you how many times I said, "Ah-Ha! she actually was a con artist. liar, thief, sidewinder, etc" like I was surprised or something (there's a gift of self realization in that) and now to recall all of the people I have known in my lifetime, taking stock of exactly how many of those kind of people I have loved and my answer is...

Only one.

So maybe it can be about...let the "patterns" belong to those who painfully choose to live in them, recognize our own patterns based on fears as "false evidence" as well as fears based on past hurts, as well as fears based on being all-too-well acquainted with reality, and reshape our own reality...based on reality, on right now, and on the fact that we were right about them...so okay...now what about me?

I can't make right what never was right and I can't make what WAS right anymore right...by fearing it so it has to be about making me right inside (not righteous)...making up with myself for the hurt I caused myself in fear and denial and judging from everyone here...hey...we made it!  It didn't destroy us...they didn't destroy us and we haven't destroyed ourselves cuz at least...we're here typing away...at best...we're taking one day at a time and living in each moment and being mindful that everything really is...okay.

I'm betting dollars to doughnuts (flattened or otherwise) that in each and every one of us here, when we are in our freedom, there is a smile within each of us that seriously lights up some ones day.

Here's to those moments and the reality of them and making them the norm rather than that other thing...what was that called again?  Never mind...it's not important.

Peace, UFH

Up from Here,  THANK YOU!

Wow!  You're welcome Teri and thank YOU!  :)

I also reflected on what I wrote this morning and I do hope that I didn't offend anyone or lend the impression that fears can be denied or minimized.

If my post had that effect on anyone, I apologize and it wasn't intended that way.  I too believe it's important to get those fears out...confess them instead of hiding them and to do so with the intent of examining them and examining ourselves.

I can fear all day with the best of 'em and Lord knows that I have some tough days.  That's why it's important to me to at least build on a solid foundation of understanding that right now, this moment in time, I am okay.

Some moments in my life have been preferable to others, that's for sure and I am so thankful that I'm here despite all those less-than-preferable moments and so thankful that they didn't all happen at once...lol.

I've realized that by re-attaching myself to the past it is just like living through all of those moments at once so I have to ask myself, "why on this beautiful earth would I want to do that when in reality...I'm really okay?"

So, yes and as PDQ started this thread so we can choose a path toward healing our fears (thank you again, Brother) I'll list mine (did it) too and look at them and choose this path...

Right now, I'm loved.

Right now, I'm sheltered.

Right now, I'm safe.

Right now, I have the freedom to feel exactly what I need to.  (Boy, that's a biggie)

Right now, I am fed.

Right now, there isn't a lie from yesterday that will become magically true...tomorrow.

Right now, my perceptions of what's around me are intact.

Right now, I'm as worthy as anyone is and aren't we all?

Right now, it's safe to list my fears and they won't get taken advantage of or used against me.

Right now, it's safe to let 'em go and nothing/no one will creep in when I'm not looking at them.  I hope it's the same for everyone here.  If not...I hope it gets there real soon.

Right now, I'm enough and you are way more that I thought I could ever be blessed with so...

Thank you...everyone...for you...right...blinkin'...now.

Peace, UFH

Are you my long lost twin?

I sympathize... I have alot of the same fears...

I also fear that i will screw up andy thing good that happens to me...I fear that i may fall into another toxic relationship...

most of all i fear becasue of my bad choices that it will have a long term affect on my kids. I believe i need to try to remain single until they are grown so that they have a more consistant life but i fear as it is with alot of single parents that as hard and stressfull as it is that i'll end up meeting someone who is nice and seems to care and fall for it and again be involved in a toxic relationship.

My fear, like so many others, is that my dBPD-xw was "right" about most of what she said about me, that she will be happy; that she did do the right thing leaving.

I fear her pulling up in her nice new sports car one day, looking at me and smiling saying "God I can't believe I actually stayed as long as I did.  I just wanted you to know my life is grand and I am glad you are and old memory.  I can't believe I married someone so pathetic"...

The "fear" of that happening has diminished over time though.  I am getting to the point where I really don't care how her life turns out. 

Peace

My biggest fear is that I'm unlovable and undeserving.

Hey, this really DID happen to me.  My uNPDxh traded in his family station wagon for a sports car with leather interior.  He started buying vintage clothing, all had to be dry cleaned.  He started wearing one of those hats that men wore in the 1950s.  He went on match.com long before our divorce was final and met another "love of his life". 

I realized that probably close to 20 years, he was just going along with things...he liked the appearance of being a happily married family man but like he said, "the kids are almost grown and on their own (then S17, D14), so what am I suppose to do with the rest of my life ?".

1) I'm scared of the same thing Ruby Slippers is scared of, especially the part about it being all my fault.

2) I'm feeling a little better today, and I'm scared that tomorrow I'll wake up depressed again.

3) I'm leaving my house soon to meet some girlfriends and I have to stop at the store first. The ex lives two blocks from me, and right now I'm scared to death of running into him, either alone or with a new girl, at the store or of him passing by me on the street. My heart will sink and it will set me back.

4) I'm scared he's going to leave me a voicemail or email saying "hello headspinning, I've gotten back together with _____ (ex girlfriend) and I just wanted to let you know first before you hear it elsewhere or see me around town with her. You see, she's agreed to have sex with me in my truck in the driveway. (ha, just had to add that last part in).

Oh geez...I am so sorry...The one thing that keeps me going however, is that even with an outward "new and improved" appearance, on the inside they are still a festering mess...

Peace

...yes..me too. *sigh*

Am afraid one day will finally berserk and win the battle or lose it all. Were it only my ass on the line, would not be a problem, am responsible for others...and that is a problem.

Reads so black and white, all or nothing...unfortunately, for the most part, such is the case.

The berserker in me,...is tired.

I'm afraid that every choice I have made in regards to my career and livelyhood have been based on survival instinct.  I find myself wondering what I would have become if someone had ever said to me, "You can do it!"

I'm afraid that the way my UBPD mother (and family) sees me really is the way that I am - and that I have just convinced myself that that is not really me.

I'm afraid that my H (who is both hot with a great career) will find a cute student and run away with them.

I'm afraid that I don't know how to live my life without stress as it has always been there.

And to add: I'm afraid to have kids, I'm afraid of repeating what my UBPD mom repeated, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and be just like her.

My fears have led me to embrace a career that has left me unsatisfied and curious about what could have been.  But I am challenging that and have recently applied to go back to school.

As for the others - well, I talk openly to my H and my friends about my insecurities.  They know my fears and that helps me to feel better.  The only person that can love me more is me.


And as for kids, I don't know.  In the past, I actively embraced the attitude that I didn't want kids.  Ha!  But now I know that I want them - that I am simply too afraid because of my family to try.  I am working on it, maybe I will take the plunge next year.  Maybe I will never take the plunge.

And the stress?  I just try to get healthier, I am looking for that stress free life where-ever it is.  I will find it one day.

Fear of my partner losing his kids makes me not stand up to his BPDx.  Fear that he would leave me if he lost his kids, as he handles grief in a very solo way, makes me not always be the person I want to be if I did not fear this.  Fear of Being rejected if my partner's needs are not met makes me prioritize his needs over mine.  Fear of BPD's rages makes me not engage with my SKIDS like I would if she was not raging.  Fear of her rages makes me not interact with her in ways that I would feel would be more respectful to her mom-hood and would clarify the stepmom role. 

I fear being viewed as "another one of the crazy ones" with school officials and others, so I do not always speak my mind when BPD has lied about me. 

I fear letting my partner do this stuff himself, especially legal stuff, as I fear he will let BPD take over our lives to avoid conflict. 

I am afraid that my partner's passivity will result in physical danger to me and his children from his BPD x.

Fear is very powerful.  It makes me focus on lots of sad and hard things, when every moment contains potential for joy, also.  My close family friend, who played an uncle role in my growing up life said, "I would worry night and day if I thought it would do a bit of good." 

Some fear is like an alert to look out, and can bring a danger into more awareness.  Sometimes I wish my partner had more of this. 

Some fear, especially the worry and anxiety that my parnter's BPDx triggers in our lives seems counterproductive and results in conflict between my partner and I where no real conflict exists. 

Ouch.

Something I have been thinking about is what I have read and is a common fear of seeing ones ex, with the appearance of success.  I have identified with this as well so I had to ask myself the question from the better places inside of me, what can we lose by another person’s success and happiness?  Yes, they caused great hurt and harm and that in our pain we consider that there should be a system of checks and balances.

Why should the "criminal get away with the crime?"  Right?

I understand...truly I do.  One of the (but not the primary) breaking points for me was that after pilfering the household goods and admitting it was a wrong thing to do in an effort to reconcile, there was no real movement toward restoration of the material aspect...just allot of talk.

I expected as much and in fact, after I closed the deal and established NC, in one of her smears, she did recant her convictions about any wrong doing.

After I moved to my new apartment, replacing everything she took, I eventually invited her over for coffee and just to talk.  When she walked in, she was visibly upset that I was able to refurnish my surroundings with even better stuff that I had bought (the majority of) for us when we had lived together.  It eventually morphed into another emotional blackmailing effort on her part which I won't go into but given what I've shared so far I'm sure most can guess.

So...what?  Her opinion of me and the events between us that caused our hurt became her emotional justification that I should live somewhat "less" as some kind of punishment for the way she was feeling.  Was any of this rational?  Nope.  Did my furniture make her any more wrong or make me any more right?  Nope, again.

If I harbor the same enmity for her quest for happiness then I'm no different regardless of the reason and that is indeed a scary thought.  I want better for myself and in an ideal world (as long as I'm talking about checks and balances) I truly do want better for her as well especially better than getting tweaked over how I choose to furnish my surroundings or for me to get tweaked who her next partner is.  I'd like her to get well and be happy...in an ideal world.

It's really not another persons success that affects me...it's my own and as long as I'm in fear of her success I'm certainly not concentrating on my own...which I already have.  Is my job perfect?  Nope but I have one.  Do I always have enough money so that I don't have to worry about paying the rent and the bills?  No again but I always seem to manage.  Am I really alone?  No.  In addition to being okay in my own skin I have friends that are great, my faith, and was adopted my a stray cat last Oct so I have connections with other human beings and one furry thing that thinks she's a human.  I'm a success...I'm so very blessed.

I guess...if it happens...if they go to all that trouble by pulling up in a fancy car or flaunting their latest appearance (Things aren't always as they appear to be are they?) of a successful relationship in our face, or contact/network just to say/spread hurtful, gloating things...I think I'd rather smile and respond with...

"Congratulations.  This too...shall pass,” and get on with my own success and happiness. 

Nothing is forever, especially not in Oz and if it all becomes about flaunting...it isn’t the real deal anyway.

Peace, UFH

What a coincidence...

lats ı have  night in my dream ı was in fear with my parents again..My mom has BPD undiognosed  but my t found out when talking to hear about and haşf an hour  and the things she does in life..He says BPD and I have PTSD father is affected too..

SOo in this dream ı was  just doing things that ı do in my daily  life..

I was soo scared they were in RAGE and AND SCREAMİNG BLAMİNG...that ı spend too much this is always the issue or ı eat too much and doo thşngs wrong according to them...((

I woke up in sweat and very disturbed..

yess my fear is always still ı did nt not get over ı guess is to be BLAMED nd PUNİSHED by THEMM..

Sİnce 2 weeks ı am away from them in our summer house..soo  may be things get piled up and show themselves a t a peaceful times..ı mean the negative feelings..


This is a great post  ..thank you just the right time right moment

life

"Maybe you have pantaphobia", Lucy said. ":)o you think you have pantaphobia?"

What's pantaphobia? asked Charlie Brown.

"It's the fear of everything"

"That's it!" Charlie replied...

lol

so much on here I can relate to.

I fear failure, a lot.

I fear I've lost myself in this exercise.

I fear I never had a whole sense of who I was before, which made me even more vulnerable to losing myself.

I fear letting people down.

I fear, so much, letting my kids down.

I fear that I'm doing this wrong. No one other than on a board like this or in a therapists office seems to understand.

I fear that I'm throwing my life away by staying.

I fear I would be throwing my kids lives away by leaving.

I fear I won't ever know what a real and healthy, loving relationship is.

I fear I'm damaged goods.

I fear being the disappointment she feels that I am.

I fear I haven't gotten stronger but weaker.

I fear I don't know as much as I think I do.

I fear it will get worse, not better.

I fear I'll get desperate at some point.

I fear I'll find her dead, one day, by her own hand.

I fear feeling guilty for the rest of my life.

I fear the judgement of others.

I fear my judgement of myself.

I fear I won't be able to hold all the strings together forever.

I fear her resentment.

I fear my family's disappointment.

I fear my own wants.

I fear that I'm selling out my life.

I fear that I'm selling her short.

I fear that no matter how much I practice and demonstrate, it will never be what I consider normal.

I fear a lot more, really. I think I was fearful before I met her, and this relationship has, over time, made me feel as though so many of my fears were in fact well founded, when really what you hope for is to have fewer and fewer over time.

HOH

That is me. I fear I don't know how to live my life without stress and drama. I fear I don't even know me well enough to know why.

I'm currently in a good relationship, but I seem to upset it periodically with some strange drama scene that could be avoided if I only said how I feel or what I'm thinking. I don't know why I don't communicate, instead of creating the drama to get what I want. I don't get that anyway because most "normal" people don't like the drama to begin with so it's not like it gets me my way.

I fear being screwed up the rest of my life.

I completely know how you feel!  My H is wonderful, supportive, but sometimes I just flip and don't know why.  We are trying to figure it out together, I always work hard to take responsibility when I am just creating unnecessary drama.  To be honest, over time it has gotten less and less.  I think I am learning to talk to him better.  For me, I have learned that people actually prefer the Brutal Honesty that rests inside my head.  A few years ago, I had a friend tell me that he found my constant filters exhausting - he would ask me, "What do you REALLY think right now?" and when I was truely honest, he would laugh and laugh.  He taught me it was okay to really talk about how I feel, that most people care and want to know.  That when people know the Real Me, they will still like me.

  But yeah, I struggle to find a normal balance.  I really don't think that I know what normal feels like, I wonder if I ever had it or if it had all been an illusion. 

What do I fear?

I fear that all the work I am doing to change towards those I love will not make enough of a difference for them to accept my love or even care..

The one thing that comes to mind is a fear of being too different to be truly close to someone.  I feel a little alien at times, and now I am realising that the one person who did seem to love and accept me was fecking BPD!  Arghhhhhh!  I wonder how I will meet another girl, someone I really like and will get along with, I suppose I almost feel at times that I blew my chance with her... y'know, I found someone who accepted me for who I am and it all crashed down around me.  But I know this is irrational, but I guess that is the core nature of fear.  All fear is irrational.  I guess I don't want to be lonely.

i am afraid that i will die with my BPD12 still hating me.

Ouch.   xoxox