BPDFamily.com

Community Built Knowledge Base => Library: BPDFamily research surveys => Topic started by: Skip on September 22, 2009, 08:19:31 AM



Title: SURVEY | Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Skip on September 22, 2009, 08:19:31 AM
Please Post and Vote
Contact with the exBPD in our life is often an emotional struggle. I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:
How long ago was the last contact?
What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?
What did I think the contact was all about?
How did I handle it?
If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?




See list of all romantic relationship surveys
(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/more-info.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301355)


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Tippy on September 22, 2009, 08:47:14 AM
Last contact was a few hours ago.

He left a message to help him look for his dog who he says has been stolen (he knows how much I adored his great dane).

This purpose is validation, every 3 months he becomes dysfunctional paralleling the time he pulls away from his live-in girlfriend.

I have learnt to realise that its about him not me.  It has taken the year we have been apart to deal with it.  It sometimes makes me very sad and upset, sometimes I laugh my sox off... .a prior contact included his dead mother talking to him to tell him not to give up and we will marry one day!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: waylander on September 22, 2009, 08:58:53 AM
1st of june , walking between offices, there she was, a got a big helloo, i simply nodded my head , and kept moving forward, my other reaction to this is, why after 3 years does she want to talk to me now , we have walked past each other several times in the last 3 years  and sometimes she has avoided eye contact , then wham she wants to talk, i sent her emails when she tossed me aside they were all ignored , but then she had someone then even though he was long distance, then i hear she met someone else , get's engaged then calls it off, this i heard last xmas,i hear  nothing til this chance meeting in june , when she wants contact  . all about her when she wants to talk , not when i needed to talk ,just keep walking i hope i do this everytime


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Dani0613 on September 22, 2009, 08:59:19 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

July 19th.

What was the contact

She called to tell me that she and her current gf had broken up. She apologized for everything she put me threw and said she needed to figure some things out.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I 'thought' she was having second thoughts and had realized some things about our relationship, for the better.

How did I handle it?

Foolishly. I started crying, she started crying. I was supportive of her break up and told her that she was wrong for going after unhealthy people to be with!

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

HELL YES. Why? Because I know better now. I know the truth to things that happened prior to this that I had no knowledge of originally. She doesnt deserve to stand in the same room as me, let alone have me answer her calls.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: sandyb on September 22, 2009, 10:29:35 AM
The last direct contact was August 2008.

Email, apologising for not contacting me sooner (3 months out) and to hope that I had met someone less cold hearted and crabby to have fun with. And hopefully end the "episode" as she termed it on a good note.

The email came just at the time I was starting to trawl through the drama, my t suggested that it wasn't really about me, and in fact it contained little regarding me or our relationship. My t felt that it was an attempt to justify her behaviour by adopting the coldhearted and crabby stance, seeking me to validate this or deny her opinion of herself. I really don't know.


I handled it rather less well than I would have liked, deliberated for a week whether to respond or not, my t I think was correct to say perhaps no response was required. I think for the best part of that 3 month silence I had craved the opportunity to have dialogue that I could understand and reconcile the unpleasant rift that had developed, I think I believed she would now at last be approachable and open with me about our split. In the end I responded, knowing full well I was damned either way but perhaps she had softened her stance a little. I had so many questions, confusion and emotion but I maintained that I respected her decision to end our relationship although I had no real undestanding of why, I asked her if she would be willing to talk and reconcile, to I suppose to validate me also. No response ever came.

As for handling it differently if a replay was offered? Toughie, at the time I simply didn't have the awareness and knowledge about the reality of the issues at hand. Hindsight allows me to believe that I would have had the clarity and confidence to express how unacceptable and indefensible I had found her conduct toward me and that the choice to treat me with appropriate respect, honesty and integrity was available to her. And I suppose that is why it's been such a difficult process in healing and recovery. I feel that adding to her already low opinion of herself would hardly make me happier. That was really how I got crushed in the first place, too mindful of her feelings and dismissive of my own, poor boundaries.

Pure no win.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: bkay on September 22, 2009, 10:52:26 AM
It wasn't recent (6 mos. ago), but it is something I still think about daily... .

He contacted my friend-seemed to be having a real epiphany- and professed this undying love for me and wants to see me, and hopes I feel the same.  It seemed very real.  This was 3 months after our "split"...

I handled it by booking him a ticket to come to my city (we were LD at the time, with plans of him moving to my city).  He said he was short on money, and had no access to a computer as he was in the mts.  He missed the plane from being hungover, rages the entire day on text,  tells me F you and never contact him again.  It was awful what he was saying, and I did not engage.  I only send one text back that day "that ticket was not refundable nor changeable."  He said "sorry, I was partying like a rockstar last night and missed my plane."  I wanted to vomit.  

The next day he says "guess you don't care about me" and a few days later says "are we done forever?"

And something about if I really loved him, or just did because he was good looking.  He had a bit of NPD in him.

I have been NC ever since.  Both sides.

If I had to do it over would I?  YES.  If I knew then what I know now about personality disorders, I would not have engaged him.  They were extreme words, but felt awful each time.  

The do over is I would have let me "be" and gone on with my life, and let him go on with his- a long long time ago.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: gary1958 on September 22, 2009, 11:12:49 AM
Received a blank email last Friday from her. No subject line, no body copy... .just a blank email with her law firms footer and her signature... .WTH... .Prior to that, lots of hangups... .Prior to this was an email ACCIDENTALLY sent to me last christmas with a follow up oops sorry wrong email address... .LOL

Incidentally... .Im 2 1/2 years out of the emotional rollercoaster ride!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: newlife3 on September 22, 2009, 11:36:27 AM
The contact was thru email re: divorce matters, ie: property settlement issues.

I was not contacted by ex-hubbie to recycle. His pattern is he does not "recycle"... .Once he's done out of sight, out of mind.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: elphaba on September 22, 2009, 12:45:57 PM
How long ago was the last contact?  About 2 1/2 months ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  Text message and email, saying he wanted to get D14 something for her b-day.

What did I think the contact was all about?  Validation/control... .his need to contact a child that has shown no interest in staying in touch with him, but, somehow he still tries... .it was an attempt to make himself seem like "a good guy"

How did I handle it? no response whatsoever

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? Nope, I continue to refuse to respond in any way, planning on things staying that way.

Early on after our split I really let these kinds of things bother me, get me all tweaked out... .now, eh... .it really has no impact on my life, just an irritation in text/email/phone like spam or a telemarketer.  When we let it really affect us, we are still giving them power in our lives... .I've done too much of that with him, I took my power back permenantly.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: canadaguy98 on September 22, 2009, 01:45:37 PM


How long ago was the last contact?  5 days ago

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

her flipping out because i knew the telephone of her affair partner telling me to mind my own business

What did I think the contact was all about?

Her trying to keep me from calling him

How did I handle it?

Called him anyway, tried to 3-way her in on the call

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


I may not have actually made the call to the affair partner, we were broken up anyway in a way I perhaps should have just let a sleeping dog lie.  However I was compelled to find out something, anything that was true at that point so i'm not sure if I would have been able to do anything different.  Having her that angry I'm sure gave me a whole lot more anxiety though both the next day and when I got back from being out of town on Monday... .I realliy had no idea what i'd be walking into


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: mindatrisk on September 22, 2009, 01:48:30 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

2 weeks ago yesterday.

What was the contact(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She rang - and I answered - and asked me if I had hacked into her Facebook account, since I had done previously attempting to find cause for getting rid of her, which I did, of course.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Well, I only connected this afterwards, but she rang on the day I ended a 23 day fast.  She knew the date I was ending because our previous contact had included me telling her that I didn't want any contact with her until I had started and completed my fast because I wanted the time to heal.  So I figure that she rang to see how I would respond - if I had picked up the phone and been, like 'HEY, Babes, soo good to hear from you!' then I reckon she'd have responded positively, but because I answered in shock and a little fear about talking to her and with no enthusiasm whatsoever I think she picked up on this and responded accordingly.  When I answered that I hadn't been in her Facebook (which I hadn't) and had had nothing to do with her for a few weeks she said 'good' and then said goodbye, and that was it, the last time she contacted me.

How did I handle it?

I'm not sure why I answered, although there was no intention at the time for long term NC, and I suppose I answered out of concern and maybe some curiousity.  I wasn't mean to her, I was just shocked she had rang and a little scared of having contact with her, I had also not eaten for 23 days and was feeling a little fragile, I guess.  Since then I haven't heard from her nor have I contacted her, in fact, I have allowed myself to feel and express (when talking to friends etc.) some of the hurt, anger and hatred I feel towards her at times, not because this is a path I want to continue down, but just to allow myself to be human and acknowledge what I feel without shrouding it in spiritual ideas that weren't doing a great job at times of resolving my feelings.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Not really, I behaved completely naturally, in fact probably more naturally and genuine with her than I have for a longtime, simply because I was caught offguard.  I wasn't deliberately cold or mean, I just answered her question honestly and went.  I'm not sure what else I could have done differently that would have been more appropriate.  Great questions, thanks for the opportunity to share this.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Desert on September 22, 2009, 04:19:45 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Mid March of this year was the last time I heard from her, although I've since engaged in a handful (3 or 4) of indirect contacts with her sister and stepmother to inquire about her health as her pregnancy has progressed.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

It was a series of texts spaced mostly every other day.  The intensity of my stress and feelings of FOG increased with each subsequent message.

What did I think the contact was all about?

The first one seemed to be a simple effort to establish contact "Hi, I miss you and your string cheese l ol".  This was the first I'd heard from her after going NC about a month prior.  I ignored it and didn't think too much about it.  A week later I got "Miss you and want to see you".

Getting a second text so quickly got my attention.  I was temporarily stunned and felt the effects for the rest of the day and into the next.

Two days later "I miss you SO MUCH!  I want to come visit you"

Now THIS one pretty much paralyzed me for about twenty minutes, as I thought about how much I wanted to see her.  I suspect that it was a good thing that I was not home at the time.

I shall explain.  The ex lived in state "A", where I used to live.  I had moved to state "B" but at the moment of that text I was physically present in state "C" staying with my brother so I could visit my mother's grave.  I knew there was no way my brother would allow her into his home so even if I had been stupid enough to want to accede to her request, I couldn't have.

But I was affected deeply and was depressed for a couple of days.

Finally, two days after the previous text, "Miss you more than you know!  Please call me!  I'm having a boy."



The last one actually brought me to tears.  I SO wanted to call her!  It was a good thing I was driving on the interstate at the time, because I might very well have called her if I'd been idle.  I remember thinking seriously about calling her... .

How did I handle it?

In any event, I did not respond to any of these.

Looking back, I know that ignoring them was the right thing for me to do.  Even though the last one broke my heart, it was a "do or die" moment.  She had pulled out the BIG GUNS.

Some of you might recall that the baby's father abdicated his responsibility to my ex.  I remember when an older woman told her, "Tell him when you're getting your first sonogram.  He'll come, and once he sees it, he'll 'man up' "

I don't know what happened with that, but I KNOW she was using the same tactic on me.

And it came very close to working.

I'm sure that being pregnant took a major toll on my ex's income.  She had unwisely taken out a lease on a large, luxurious home that carried a $3,000 monthly rent.  Somewhere along the way she was evicted for non payment of rent.

I believe that her intention may have been to reestablish the relationship because (1) she was no doubt having trouble coping with her situation - being pregnant, alone, and having a reduced income to boot (and possibly without a place to live), and (2) as she'd so often told me, she always "felt so safe" with me.  

I recognize that there is supposed to be a lack of object constancy with them, and that would be inconsistent with this possibility, but I'll state it nevertheless.   I am virtually certain that I was the most accepting and supportive figure she'd ever had in her life and it would seem natural that she might be drawn back to what, for her, might have been the greatest sense of security she'd ever felt.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Neal on September 22, 2009, 04:49:58 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

It was one year ago.

What was the contact?

It was an email requesting something related to the children that she was capable of obtaining on her own. She asked the same thing the year before.

What did I think the contact was all about?

It contained statements that appeared to be aimed at invoking feelings of obligation and guilt. She doesn't seem to want the item requested. It seems more like she wants to perpetuate her 'victim' role.

How did I handle it?

I did not respond.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would have put it out of my mind more and not focused so much on it. I allowed myself to ruminate ('What if?' 'Maybe I'm a horrible person.' to the point that I felt guilty, obligated, sad, and very tense/anxious.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Matt on September 22, 2009, 07:11:37 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Today.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

(D12 becomes D13 today.)  ":)o you want me to bring over a cake and have a dinner for D tonight?"

Me:  "Uh, I can't do that but I can make her favorite stuff and bring it over there."

What did I think the contact was all about?

Pretending we are OK and all healthy and there are no problems.

How did I handle it?

OK.  By doing it this way I'm playing along with the pretending so that validates her, which is not ideal.  But it will be good for my daughter, and I won't have my ex in my house, so there is no risk of a blow-up.  (If she acts out I'll just leave.)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I should have proposed to have separate dinners before she suggested this.  I was caught unprepared with no plan.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: oneheadlight on September 23, 2009, 05:19:07 AM
Last contact was a week ago. My exBPDgf and her new victim  parked in her car in front of my window at my work, sat there a few minutes then she gets out of the passenger side and does a quick spin, gets back in and they leave. I have no idea what this was about, perhaps harassment or was going for a face to face confrontation and lost the nerve. I just sat there calmly at my desk, framed the car in the video camera on my desk and hit zoom for a better close up. Perhaps she saw the camera and changed her game plan accordingly. I really don't think i could have done more or better, just document all occurrences. A week prior she changed her Email address and sent two messages. I have blocked the new E-address.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Race121 on September 23, 2009, 06:25:03 AM
How long ago?

Middle of August, almost exactly a month ago and a month after she walked. I had not attempted any contact whatsoever once the doorknob hit her where The Good Lord split her.

What was the contact?

Indirect voicemail @ 0330. Sounded like her phone may have been in her purse. It was garbled but she was

clearly having a grand old time with the fire water and hanging out with some guy. Twelve hours later, same thing. Lo and behold this happened, coincidentally (heh, heh), on the day we had planned to celebrate her B-Day.

What did I think it was about?

Not sure on that. Anger, hurtful, make me jealous, validate her? If anything she validated me with that little stunt. The night I let her walk I do believe she was bluffing to some extent. She asked me to take some clothes to her truck and bring up her backback. Almost like she was escalating her little show of packing/tantrum when I hadn't responded up to that point. I held my hand out in a "give me the keys" gesture. The look on her face and her fumbling for her keys told me she wasn't quite expecting that reaction. Rather than leave she went to bed while I cheated on her with the Boston Red Sox boxscore. It was almost like she was giving me more time, after her display, to stop her. Whether I could have talked her out of it she only knows. I was seriously considering letting that ship sail over the previous week, wasn't engaging the BS, so maybe she knew.

How handled?

Sent her a nice, heartfelt B-Day/goodbye e-mail the next day which was her actual B-Day. I made no mention of the v-mails from the day before and wished her well. She replied with an angry, hurtful e-mail that included some validation seeking comments. She also managed to gaslight the events from the day she left. I didn't bother to dignify that noise with any kind of response. Since then, I have gotten a couple of bursts of unavailable phone calls. Two weeks ago I got a hang-up from a cell# I didn't recognize that also had called (unanswered) 3 days after she left. Also got a spam like txt from a dating site two weeks ago. First txt I've ever gotten like that in the 5 years I've had that phone. Coincidence?

Do over?

No. My e-mail to her was my closure. When the airplane of love goes down there's one parachute. I took the chute while she was busy sabotaging the plane.

Race


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: texas.moxie on September 23, 2009, 12:47:34 PM
How long ago was the last contact? One month ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  He sent an email about some reservations we had made for an event in November, wanted to know about cancelling.  I responded via email and he called.  Wanted to talk about the house and getting "his" equity out.  Threatened a $50K lawsuit before hanging up

What did I think the contact was all about?  I'm really not sure!  One-third getting revenge and threatening; one-third trying to get me to take the bait and reengage; one-third dillusional that he has any equity in my house

How did I handle it? I was very calm and refused to internalize his abusive language

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  I would not have answered his call.  Anything on email can be saved as evidence, which is why he called I'm sure.  Or maybe I would have answered and starting screaming at HIM for a change. 

THe only way to win is not to play the game.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: jalk on September 24, 2009, 02:23:36 PM
Last contact:  1 month ago

What did she say: Text "How are you doing"?

What do I think its about?: Her feeling alone and lonely (Smokey was out of town)

How did I respond: I didn't

What would I do different?: nothing


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: numbr3 on September 24, 2009, 05:28:12 PM
How long ago?  1 1/2 months ago

What was the contact?  He called me.

What do I think it was about? Anger. Another lame attempt to cover his lies with more lies.  When I didn't believe him then he went into a rage about how sick I am, that I am a psychopath, a pathalogical liar, promiscuous, dangerous and on and on (an hour and a half)  Threatened me with a libel and slander suit, restraining order, I had better keep my mouth shut, he could lose his job because of me... .wanted to get together with another couple so I could apologize in front of them.

How did I handle it?  Badly!  Because I listened to it for an hour and a half.  I ended up drinking 3 beers while he was spouting this crap (unhealthy).  After I got off the phone I called a friend sobbing because he instills such doubt in myself that I am a horrible person.  In the morning I called the phone company and put a block on his number. 

What would I do different?  Hang up on him or not answer in the first place.  It shouldn't be an issue anymore.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: G.J. on September 24, 2009, 06:51:56 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

3 months ago

What was the contact?

He made up another fake profile on Facebook and tried to get me to add him as a friend so he could spy on me.  This is after I denied and blocked the first fake profile he made a month prior.  (Yes, I'm 100% sure it's him.)

What did I think the contact was all about?

General stalking.  He added several of his other ex-girlfriends after I blocked him.  Primarily, I think it's to find out if I (we) can be used as a Backup Girl in the event his current girlfriend dumps him.  I've since found out that he spied me through a mutual friend after our 1st break-up, and that's how he knew I would be vulnerable convincing me to give him a 2nd chance.

How did I handle it?

I denied the friend request and blocked the profile.  I then emailed one of the other ex-girlfriends that he had added to the original fake profile and let her know.  I also changed my phone number - he had been texting me too.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yeah, I'd get the cajones to email the rest of the girls as well.  Why?  Because I'm sick of watching this guy get away with all of this.  It's just wrong.  But I've been NC for 7 months now, and don't want to pop up on my ex's radar screen.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: trax on November 08, 2009, 10:16:52 AM
I said contact - trying to keep me engaged, though I really think it was trying to HURT me.

How long ago was the last contact?  This week

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  Third party contact.

What did I think the contact was all about?  I filed for divorce when I found out he was trying to hook up with his best friends wife/my friend.  The message he sent along was that he had moved, and the address was this person's. 

Additional information on the situation: I found out yesterday that Husband still lives there too.  Wife works days, husband works nights, Xh does not work at all.  I should mention that Husband AND Wife have diagnosed PD's!  Volatile situation there.

How did I handle it?  Friend told me, I said "ok."  Then later I asked friend not to pass along any other messages from Xh.  (In my friend's defense, he did not know that xh had moved in with someone, it was just the address.  Of course, xh knew I would know exactly where/who that was.)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  No.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: jdragnfly on November 09, 2009, 11:17:01 AM
Out of sight/out of mind.  I think she maybe had a moment of guilt.  Anyway, I really don't expect her to initiate any contact.  Our therapist (we are now each seeing individually) brought up the possibility of her trying to reconnect and continue, and he seemed surprised when I told him that I really don't expect that from her.

How long ago was the latest contact?



About three weeks ago (She ended it abruptly a month before).

What was the contact?

She sent an email that she had gotten my kids birthday presents and wanted to leave them while we weren't home.  She said she would do this at the end of the week, but I ran out to get something that morning and by the time I came back (two hours later), the gifts were already on the back patio.  All of them had "From XXXX" and "I love you" written all over them.  She also wrote personal letters to both kids saying how much she loved being in their lives (two years- lived with us for the past year) and that she wouldn't be seeing them anymore.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Honestly, I just thought that she felt guilty about the situation and knew that their birthdays were coming up.  She did really love them, which is also very ironic, because the biggest source of conflict between us was due to her need to try to control my relationship with my kids.  She could not handle the fact that they were not hers and she had to share any time with them and their schedules (I have 50% custody)  At one point during one of her less-than-sane moments, she demanded that I "treat her as if she were their mother."  At this point, its too early to tell what the presents are all about... whether it means something or not.  She vacillates between very giving to totally selfish.

How did I handle it?

At first, I answered her email with a quick "thank you for thinking of them," and told her that my daughter (age 6) had been asking about her a lot and drawing pictures of her "family," always including her in them.  I said that I wasn't sure what was best as far as any contact (phone) with the kids and that I might ask our T.  

She responded saying that just because "we couldn't make things work" that didn't mean that she didn't still love us and think about us every day.  Well, because of how things went down, with her leaving out of the blue, this phrase really rubbed me the wrong way.  I responded with a lengthy explanation of why things didn't "work out" using her own words she had written about how she has repeatedly left relationships and pushed people away due to her "personality."  I felt the need to try to set the record straight.  Not that it would actually stick with her very long.  I told her also that I felt she should have no more contact with the kids, as it would be confusing for them.  

If I got a "go over" would I do it differently?  Why?



Hmmm... .I just reread my last reply to her.  I thought that it might make me feel guilty, like I wasn't taking the high road, which was my intent all along.  But, no.  I actually feel very satisfied with what I wrote.  It wasn't mean, just very direct and very true.  It describes the truth of our relationship and its end in a way that I know she knows to be true deep down.  So I broke NC for it... .but it was the last contact we've had, and it feels as much like a source of closure as I'm likely to find.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: outofzone on December 04, 2009, 02:05:04 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

3 months ago

What was the contact?

A message on FB saying "Happy birthday - I hope you had a good birthday this year"

What did I think the contact was all about?

That was the first time I hear from her in 4 month after we had a big confrontation and she asked for NC. I really don't know what to think of it. she had just got married and got pregnant a couple of month before that contact. So I thought she just wanted to say happy birthday!

How did I handle it?

I thought about not responding but I figured I shouldn't let her dictate changes to how I usually behave. So I sent a message back saying "Thank you, I had a blast. I hope you are well"

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



Yes I probably should've just ignored her. It was her birthday a month after that contact and I sent her an email saying "Happy birthday, I hope you have a great year ahead" and she didn't respond. I don't want anything from her and i believe she doesn't want anything from me either. I was just trying to be civil. I guess i forgot for a second who I am dealing with. She is crazy!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: kevmo1967 on December 04, 2009, 02:32:49 PM


How long ago was the last contact?

it was 2 days ago.

What was the contact?

She came over, unannounced. she said she wanted to talk to me about splitting some furniture up. She now has anew job in city an hours drive away ,and is looking to relocate.(she has Narcolepsy, so an hour is a long commute for her to handle)

What did i think the contact was all about?

I put the reason down in the poll as looking for validation, but she would see it as informational, only about picking up the furniture. i think she wanted me to acknowledge that she is doing OK now, getting a job and a place to stay. I am optimistic for her, but wary. She still needs to pass a credit check to get the apartment. This is unlikely, and if that falls through, she will probably be so depressed she will screw up the new job as well. new employers are not very forgiving on tardys and such in your first 90 days.

How did I handle it?

I was polite but kept my tone as optimistic for her, but totally disinterested . I also turned down an offer of sex. found out she is now sleeping with yet another guy, (even though she wanted to have sex with me when she first came in) this makes the 3rd guy since July, but she tells me ? she is not being promiscuous? I guess it doesn't count as being slutty if the men are not complete strangers but people you know? I tried to tell her she should probably try relating to new men in a non-sexual way for awhile... .She said she doesn't know how... .very sad :'( for her. meanwhile, she left, I'm still here, unfazed and not wanting to get back with her at all.


If i got a "do-over" would i handle it differently? Why?

I am happy with the way I handled it.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: lifeisgoodx10 on January 11, 2010, 09:01:43 AM
Excerpt
Contact with the pwBPD in or life is often a huge struggle.

I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

Yesterday and everyday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

text message (Good Morning I love you)  I have since blocked the number and gotten a new iPhone

What did I think the contact was all about?

Keeping me engaged (I went NC Last Monday)

How did I handle it?

ignored it and blocked number

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would not have given in last september



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: GodofNietzsche on January 11, 2010, 09:07:38 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

This past Friday and Saturday

What was the contact?

Text and the a phone call.

What did I think the contact was all about?

She wants to be friends.  She probably is going through a hard time and remembers all the times I was there for her (probably during one of the toughest periods of her life, at the end of which she threw me away like a piece of garbage).

How did I handle it?

Didn't answer.  Erased the text and the call log.

No.  Even though for the longest time I've waited for her to contact me to tell her off, and I knew it wasn't best for me, and I also just don't have it in me to be mean to her.  She's too pitiful.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Satori1964 on January 11, 2010, 09:58:15 AM
How long ago was the last contact?  

12/17/2009.  She took me out for my 'birthday dinner'.  She had told me several months before hand that she wanted to take me out for my birthday.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Dinner, where she essentially dished out her perverse sense of justice.  Here are the gory details.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=109242.msg1071832#msg1071832


What did I think the contact was all about?

I think, better said, feel that it was her way of telling me that she is angry, frustrated and hurt that I have not been there when expected me to be there for her and that it was her way of punishing me for making her feel that way.  Mind you, last July she told me that she wanted to be "just friends".  She had planned this 'birthday dinner' all along and can not help but think that she felt that justice was done, that as per her words "... .you had to hear this... ."  


How did I handle it?

Oddly enough, I said very little that evening.  As much as it hurt, I took her emotional blows.  I kept thinking don't lower yourself to her level and that she is really sick.  Her rage that night confirmed what I suspected all along that she has extremely deep seeded emotional problems and that she very likely has BPD.  At then end I quietly turned around and walked out of her life.  There was no good-bye, see you later or anything else.  Nothing.  It was a bitter sweet ending to an emotional quagmire.  


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

As strange as it may sound I would not change anything.  She finally confirmed to me what I had suspected all along.  It was the moment of clarity that I finally needed.  It was my final breaking point and that is all good.  I went NC and will never look back.  I am so happy it is finally over.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: vanilla_essence on January 11, 2010, 10:29:41 AM
How long ago was the last contact?  

It was today by email. We split over 3 weeks ago. It's been a mixed contact both good and bad. I always try and be nice but somehow like it did in the r/ship it seems to turn sour.

This is how it started (this is her first email):

"I hope one day we can wrap this up and say goodbye decently. I hope you understand that I couldn't go from it being over and not seeing you to a sudden mention of seeing you. It matters to me that things are settled rationally but I can't be jerked like that at the last minute for one thing and the break-up is too new and what if we hurt each other emotionally again at this point, I doubt we could take it. Today has been absolutely horrendous. I'm finding this sudden cutoff then emails then cutoff very confusing and hard. I know it's over and I'm lost in a jungle of feelings. I hope all of this dies down. Anyway I wanted to acknowledge all the things you said yesterday before the conversation went to hell. I'm sorry it went that way. And you aren't dead to me I'm just hurting. Well that's what I wanted to say."

I find this email very confusing



What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?


Email. She had tried to call me. I didn't answer on my mobile and she rang my place but I was out.


What did I think the contact was all about?

I don't really know. Just a way of staying in contact. There's a mixture of all sorts of messages coming from the contact. I clicked on "other" cos it could have been validation, blame, anger, regret... .or quite simply trying to understand.


How did I handle it?

Just tried to be as nice as I could. I gave her the chance to tell me exactly why I hurt her so much. I asked for specific details. She said she would compile a list. I'm curious to know what she'll come up with.


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

This could well an attempt at a future do-over. I would like to know what she really thinks I did that was hateful as she put it.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: SoMuchPain on January 11, 2010, 12:22:59 PM
How long ago was the last contact?  almost a week ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  she sent me some sort of FWD joke text, after 10 days of not hearing from her. 

What did I think the contact was all about?  i had no idea, i assumed she sent it to everyone in her phone

How did I handle it?  i of course replied, and told her i missed her (i had told her before but she hadnt responded).  this time she responded asking how i was, etc.  she got me talking again, like she always does, and then dropped the bomb that she fell back in love with her ex in the past 10 days.  im pretty sure this is the only reason she contacted me to begin with.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  i have no idea.  i have no idea what to do, how to handle anything at this point.  i am beyond hurt.  good for her.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: C12P21 on February 02, 2010, 11:04:18 PM
How long ago was the last contact? Yesterday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?email (thought it was blocked different email address) The email was about setting parameters around friendship

What did I think the contact was all about? To control me -I'll be your friend and leave a carrot dangling in front of you. 

How did I handle it? First email was to thank him for his honesty but this is hard for me.   Second email I sent-I am confused, please do not contact me again, it is in my best interest to decline your offer of friendship.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I tried to discuss the friendship aspect of the relationship and realized it was only confusing me more. Sending the goodbye and leave me alone makes me feel much better. I suspect I will never hear from him again. If I do, my clear "leave me alone" reduces the apprehension I would feel to not respond. I owe him nothing, I have been clear. It's over, no avenue for any kind of a relationship.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Finding_Myself_again on February 03, 2010, 01:47:53 AM


How long ago was the last contact?

Yesterday and other one will be in about 2 hours as we work together and although I requested him on several occassions to leave me alone and if there is no choice keep the contact limited to a professional level, he cannot do it. 

What was the contact[/i][/b] (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Every morning he comes in and gives me a kiss (on the cheek) in front of everybody.  He comes behind me and does something which makes me jump up and he and collegueas around me find it very amusing.  When we have to site next to each other to work he always touches me or lays his head on my shoulder.  He is laughing with collegueas but as soon as he sees me behaves like a hurt puppy.  And this day in day out, whatever I try to make him stop doing it.  He knows that I cannot react the way I would like to in front of the others and especially I am sitting next to our director, so   

What did I think the contact was all about?

When he comes to my desk he pretends that he has a question or advise regarding work but he always tries to make it a personal conversation (anything personal I no longer respond to) he just wants to make sure that I'm still there should he ever really need me.

How did I handle it?

The surprising me from behind, always makes me jump and scream.  I'm okay as long as I don't see him but once he comes in my stomach truns around and I start counting the minutes until I can leave.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


If I could I would change job so that I would never ever have to see or hear him again.[/quote]


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Hannahbanana on February 03, 2010, 04:41:52 AM


How long ago was the last contact?  6 days ago

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  MSN cxontact (1 year after NC both sides) He said he just signed in after a year, saw mw ad thought it immature not to say hi, then proceeded to inform me about his new relationship and how happy he was etc

What did I think the contact was all about?  No idea really, guesing, i'd say the honeymoon period with his gf is over and he is out fishing again before he fully ends it... or she does.  Or, to gloat about how happy he is to reinforce that it must have been my fault we didn't work

How did I handle it?  Calmly, tried to show slight indifference to his uber happy story, while saying i was happy for him (i wasn't and was crossing my fingers that he was miserable)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?
 Yes, i felt i should have simply said "i'm sorry, but i have nothing to say to you at this time or in the near and distant future"  Why, because i feel annoyed with myself for allowing him to come on, gloat and blame me again.  I also felt he very quickly jumped into his usual style of speaking to me, lacking respect and assuming i am still head over heels about him, without even knowing my state of mind.   [/quote]


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: OverHerAgain on February 03, 2010, 09:11:54 AM
ow long ago was the last contact?  8 months.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  She wanted to see me.  I was suspicious, but thought it would be worth my time to find out why.

What did I think the contact was all about?  Found out that her current victim had told her that she needed to date other people.  She was clearly gaging my reaction - as though I would volunteer to be her gf now that she's becoming single.  She just wanted me to be a filler between the demise of her current relationship and her next new one.  She was disappointed when I didn't take the bait. 

How did I handle it?  I laughed.  The very next day I blocked her from calling or emailing me.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No.  I would have done the exact same thing. 


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: theridler on February 03, 2010, 10:17:01 AM
Last contact was a text message about a week or two ago.  Last time we communicated, what I sent her was apparently deemed 'harmless enough', and she'd decided that perhaps she'd like to be friends with me but that she's very wary.  It was basically a presumptuous attempt to set out the boundaries etc of a 'friendship' on her terms.  

I let her know that I was in a good place, and had been since we split, and she responded in kind, telling me that everything 'FINALLY seemed to be making sense' and reminding me that she's still wary of me.  I responded with light incredulity, pointing out that I have no historic issue with sustaining warm, loving, mutual friendships, and that if people treat me well, I treat them very well in return.  I pointed out that having a new boyfriend and a couple of trips to a therapist doesn't 'cure' BPD, but wished her luck in sorting things out in the long term.  

She couldn't manipulate me by telling me I was an awful human being because everything I said was entirely level headed and rational.  She couldn't manipulate me by offering me false hope regarding a relationship because she has a new boyfriend and because I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot barge pole.  Needless to say, without any hooks, there was nothing she could say in response so she didn't bother.

If anything it was a good thing.  Her responses confirmed my analysis of who/what she is, and I got to have my say, managing not to lose my temper at all.  I will happily point out to her that's she's an incurable nutcase and that I'm not, over and over again until she goes away if necessary.  :)

Excerpt
How did I handle it?  I laughed.

 |iiii

Bollocks to these children trapped in adult bodies.  It's their problem and (if we look after ourselves) noone else's, and that's the way I like it.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: lifeisgoodx10 on February 03, 2010, 01:44:12 PM
He e-mailed me at a dating site that I joined weeks ago. I had not been to this site in over a month (in fact had forgotten about it). In one of his last voice messages before blocking his number he said that he saw me there. Well a few days later I decided to to see. Lo and behold there were three e-mails from him and of course he could see when I was online at this site. I promptly blocked him from being able to see my profile and blocked his profiile from me as well. I admit it's tempting to go check on him but I haven't so far.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Valentine09 on February 03, 2010, 04:57:22 PM
How long ago was the last contact?



Two weeks ago on a Saturday.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?



Two text messages saying that I was "like a best friend" to her (exBPDgf)  and that the silence of NC was hurting her and that she felt she needed to talk to me.  Also that she was always there for me when I was feeling sad and that she always wanted to cheer me up and always cared about me.  This was a complete and total lie.  She was never there for me, never did anything to cheer me up, and was the cause of my pain for all of last year.

What did I think the contact was all about?



She called a few days prior and left a voice mail saying "Happy Birthday, you probably don't want to hear from me and I understand if you don't call back."  So, since I didn't call back, she decides to start texting me.  I believe she was BORED and didn't have anyone to go out and do anything with on a Saturday.  She probably wanted to dump on me for ignoring her and hurt me with stories about her new relationship.

How did I handle it?



I ignored the hell out of those texts.  I officially hate texting because she's the only one that ever texted me, so she's in effect ruined an entire technology/ form of communication for me!  I haven't heard from her again, but I'm sure I'm due for another round anytime.  I've told her in the past that I hate texting, and she still ignores that fact. But I didn't break NC, and I'm now over the 2month mark.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



I really want to tell her to NEVER CONTACT ME IN THIS LIFETIME EVER AGAIN.  I've never actually told her to stop contacting me.  I told her the last time we spoke in Nov. that if she walked out on me for someone else that we could not be friends, I either wanted all of her or none of her.  She made the decision to leave me, but she twisted my words to mean that at some point I'd be over her and we could be friends again.  I have no interest in being her friend just so she can abuse me more.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: MxMan on February 26, 2010, 05:30:29 PM
long time ago but man did i ruminate over it over and over for so long. especially the "despite the fact that i think it was best for my mental health" part

How long ago was the last contact?email, about 9 months ago.

What was the contact "I have belonging x of yours. If you want it I can have x bring it over or meet you at a time & place of your choosing. Despite the fact that i think it was best for my mental health, its been really hard being alone and being without you. I miss you and think of you every day. I hope you're healing from the hurt I caused you. I'm sure thats more than you want to hear from me so I'll stop now".

What did I think the contact was all about? I think it's a combo of a few of the above poll choices; mainly keeping me enmeshed though.

How did I handle it? I did not reply. That was the thing that made me put the *final* blocks on my email accounts, and change my phone number. I was tired of the conflicting messages (i'm over it and have moved on. i love you. i dont love you. etc etc). I had moved that day as well. I'm pretty sure she knew that and was also digging for info, especially considering someone else in her family contacted me right around the same time asking how I was and if i'd moved and where, etc etc. Didnt reply to that either. Added that person to the block list as well. A whole family on an email block list. Impressive.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Nope, except maybe to not have read the email at all.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Edie on March 06, 2010, 07:23:33 AM
Hmmmmm was peeking thru the kitchen window 2/27.  Two weeks ago standing at the end of my street calling my name when I went outside.

On going calling my voicemail at wrok playing a Willie Nelson song that we would dance to.  He always said he thought about me when he listened to it.  This is almost everyday.

What did I think the contact was about:  I think he thought I would be glad to see him.  I am sure he had something he wanted to say about how "he" feels.

How did I handle it:  I ignored him.  :)idnt even look his way.

Would I handle it differently;  No


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Kenneth on April 25, 2010, 09:07:19 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

About a month ago, on my birthday.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

An e-mail: "Happy Birthday. I hope you are well.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I don't know. The previous contact (to which I did not reply) told me, in a rather cryptic way, that she "could finally be grateful" to me and for the relationship.

How did I handle it?

I replied with an email, reestablishing "no contact." Her birthday note shook me up--I was triggered and reentered the F.O.G. My reply was perhaps a bit dramatic, but I was able to get some things off my chest and solidify my decision to break off from her.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

So hard to answer. When I received her e-mail, I was again thrown into fear, obligation, and guilt. And I realized how much of what I fear is in my head. If there are decent parts to my reply, it's that I did not mention BPD and that I did not talk about what's going on in my life. I wished her well, but I also underscored how "unhealthy" the relationship was and that I did not want to reexperience it.

Perhaps if there was a do-over, I would not reply. But, again, I still felt that obligation to reply. And I felt like I needed to tell her that I wish her well in her life and that I was letting her go. (This is better than the last thing I said her, months before: Do not contact me. Let me go. How I handled it says a lot of where I was emotionally when I received the contact.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Janell on April 25, 2010, 09:25:28 AM
Last contact - 3 days ago

What was the contact - phone call saying hi, wondering what I've been up to lately

What did I think contact was all about - scoping things out to see if I was still open to talking to him

How did I handle it - I talked to him for a few minutes, kept things very bland and vague

If I got a do-over would I handle it differently - yes, I would probably just not answer the phone.  I feel like that brief contact with him derailed my recovery somewhat, although I'm okay now and not planning on talking to him again.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: sandyb on April 25, 2010, 09:32:57 AM
How long ago was the last contact? August 2008

What was the contact? (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email, 3 months out after virtually nothing since split, apologising for not responding to me, wanting to "end the "episode" on a good note", hoping I met someone less "coldhearted and crabby to have fun with"

What did I think the contact was all about? Validation for her, trying to justify her poor conduct as acceptable in the context of being coldhearted and crabby, so I should be thankful, and also probably a sign not to contact her as she was now with someone else.

How did I handle it? Felt damned whatever I decided to do, made the decision to go and see her, I was calm, composed, and respectful but it went very badly she was very distressed upon seeing me and freaked out, I really couldn't understand why and we have never exchanged a word or seen each other since. I had Just entered into counselling at the time, diagnosed with ptsd, very confused, distressed and emotionally distraught.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I think now with hindsight and some clarity of what was actually happening I would have responded quite differently, this was at a time before joining bpdfamily.com or really knowing about BPD. I suppose it has bugged me somewhat that I never had the chance to say what I really wanted to with the benefit of hindsight.

Even after all this time it is painful to thinking back to that time.



Sandyb




Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: finally on May 27, 2010, 09:10:57 PM
Today... he text me to ask our dr.'s phone number... .and then asked me how i was... .i replied with the phone number and sais i was fine thank you! and that was it.   and i will do the same next time too!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: confused!!! on May 29, 2010, 07:13:13 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Friday (yesterday) after 3 weeks NC


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

she forwarded a "friends" type email.


What did I think the contact was all about?

She got angry 3 weeks ago for no reason. I figured the friends email was her way of letting me know she was talking with me again. Apparently she had already moved on.


How did I handle it?

I had finally made some important decisions about the relationship, so I laid the cards on the table, said what I wanted out of the relationship, set some boundaries/ground rules/items I wanted us to work on and... .that I was ready to move in with her (something she's wanted since we started dating 2 years ago). She got back to me today, said she didn't think it would work out. From past experience, my brain knew she would turn away. My heart thought there was a glimmer of a chance. I've kept thinking maybe i've judged her too harshly, maybe she's not really BPD, maybe... .i continue to make excuses for her unstable behavior.


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would do the same. I tried NC many times before and that never worked for me.  I've struggled with what I wanted out of the relationship since the beginning; I finally figured out what I needed. I responded from a position of knowledge and strength, about what I wanted and what I expected from us as individuals and as a couple. I felt I had unfinished business with her; now, I don't. I am finally able to move on. I will throw out the keys to that door and never ever open it again.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: notadoormat on May 29, 2010, 09:51:32 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

She sent me a long handwritten card last week (a couple days before my birthday), and posted a comment on a blog post I wrote about a photographer using her real name a couple days ago (she has posted comments in recent months, but always went by 'anonymous.' This is the first direct contact in 8+ months.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

see above


What did I think the contact was all about?

She's tired of the new g/f... .looking around for someone to keep her company when she pushes new g/f away. She must have leaked something, b/c new g/f came into my blog and spent over an hour there a couple days after I received the note, (using my name + 'blog' as a search term) and read everything I had ever posted... .starting with the archives of the month exBPD broke up with me... .moving on next to last May, during which exBPD distanced me and re-established contact with new g/f, whom she had dated briefly before she and I got together... .then on to January, when I know exBPD and new g/f had a 'mini-breakup.' Interesting, the tracks the world wide web records... .


How did I handle it?

I have not responded. Will not. Am trying to process my feelings around it.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Nope. Firm NC on my part... .is the only way to deal with it.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: turtlesoup on May 30, 2010, 06:15:33 AM
How long ago was the last contact? 2 Months

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Initially a song that had nothing to do with either of us via YouTube, I responded that I didn't want to hear from her, she accused me of being selfish, a fight erupted.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I thought the contact was her testing the waters to see if she could add me to her back pocket, either as a friend or a love interest.

How did I handle it?

I responded quite kindly that I didn't want to speak to her right now as I still needed time to heal.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I wouldn't respond at all. since i've seen from others and learnt for myself that this contact was nothing to do with me, my hurt, my feelings or our relationship, it was just for attention or some other need she had.

Why? Because I spent the next month going over that email analysing it to death and set myself back to 0 NC.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Tiredofit on May 31, 2010, 10:27:29 AM
How long ago was the last contact? today

What was the contact? txt message telling me good morning and she wished I could come to her cookout

What did I think the contact was all about? Trying to find out if Id take the bait

How did I handle it? Very indifferent untill she knew i would not be there,she went NUTS,I told her she Has BPD(1st time I ever told her that) Then she flew into a txt messaging rage,still going on right now.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No,I actually feel closure by telling her she had BPD


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Dorian on June 08, 2010, 02:58:40 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

This morning.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She called and asked if she could stay in my guest room for a couple of weeks because her living situation is stressing her out. She then broke down and told me that she made a huge mistake in leaving and wanted to get back together, or at least be friends, whatever I'm comfortable with.

What did I think the contact was all about?

[Background] - She left me 4-5 months ago for guy that she'd fallen into an emotional affair with. I went NC for a long time and had gotten to a point where I was over the hurt but still felt a love for her.  Last week I learned from a mutual friend that her boyfriend had left her and that she was feeling devastated.

From a BPD perspective, she is seeking me out again because she's lonely and financially drained and wants relief. From this view, she is coming from a place of trying to get her needs met (it has only to do with HER needs, not with loving ME). To see the matter solely from this perspective seems cynical. But I will admit that it is perhaps the only sane view to take, given her past behavior towards me.

Another view, which I'm tempted to embrace, is that she sincerely wants to grow up, be an adult and give our relationship another shot. She apologized and told me that she recognizes that we had a very functional relationship that she threw away out of immaturity and fear of intimacy. From this perspective, she may be ready to accept responsibility for her mistake and enter therapy. 


How did I handle it?

I was very collected and talked to her kindly (I've expressed my hurt and anger plenty in the past). I even told her that I was sorry to hear that she was hurt so badly by her new boyfriend dropping her. We talked about how "what goes around, comes around". I told her that I do still love her and that I'd like to talk about what happened between us. I told her staying in my guest room would cross my boundaries, so no. 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Part of me thinks I should have told her firmly but kindly, "there's no chance for us to get back together. Sorry, I've moved on." 

But have I moved on? I admit that I still love her and I might be willing to put up with some of her BPD behavior if she's in therapy and working towards getting better.

I feel at peace with the way I handled it. Now I need to decide if I can tolerate having her in my life and to what degree. I have grown so much from this experience that sometimes I feel like a buddhist monk.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: TonyC on June 08, 2010, 03:53:37 PM
nice werk there dorian... it was hard for you i know... .but you see the big picture which is awsome... .savin yourself allot of dissapointment... .

you did well... .


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Skip on June 08, 2010, 03:54:53 PM
What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She called and asked if she could stay in my guest room for a couple of weeks because her living situation is stressing her out. She then broke down and told me that she made a huge mistake in leaving and wanted to get back together, or at least be friends, whatever I'm comfortable with.

It's important to see this as a likely rebound relationship.  Where better to go when you feel unloved than back to someone that loves you.  You don't want that.

Keeping your boundary was smart.

This is complex turf Dorian.  Can the relationship be rekindled from this point?  Yes.  

The harder question is how to rekindle it without repeating the past (for you) and without making it feel like a lynching (for her).  So many "nons' have been down this path with expectations of the other person getting into therapy and talking through the wounds of the last break-up - which is not at all the point that the person with BPD wants to start from - she is wounded and looking for comfort.

Before you do anything - you may want to post on the staying board to get some idea's about what is realistic and what is not.

Skippy

PS: Crossed with TonyC


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Dorian on June 08, 2010, 06:05:29 PM
Thanks Tony and Skip for the advice.

I feel level-headed about it right now but I'm aware of the possibility of being knocked off kilter by her potentially erratic or disappointing behavior.  I'm proceeding with caution, aware that perhaps the smartest thing is to not proceed at all.

Excerpt
into therapy and talking through the wounds of the last break-up - which is not at all the point that the person with BPD wants to start from - she is wounded and looking for comfort

.

I believe I'm beyond the point of wanting further closure over her wounds to me. I've mostly let go of the hurt she caused and I see it in the context of her being a mentally/emotionally handicapped person (but one that I love). I have no serious expectations that her behaviors will have changed drastically in the last few months. I feel that I'm willing to re-engage with her and accept the challenge of maintaining strong boundaries while exhibiting validation towards her.

I'm examining myself and trying to be honest about why I'd be willing to consider keeping her in my life. I've dated a few other women in the last month and feel confident that I can easily find a healthy and attractive new mate. I've had a lot of peace in my life since she was gone.

I'm asking myself, why would I even entertain the possibility of renewing a connection with her?

Love is love. I married her because I chose her and committed to her. I think that for me, it may be worth some pain and struggle to stay true to my ideal about love, contingent on her doing her part.

Anywise, I'm contemplating telling her that we can only be friends. I'd like for her to be the one to pursue more, if it's to rekindle.

I'm viewing this as potentially a huge challenge for my own growth. I was getting used to being a bachelor again - but I recognize that I become lazy about character development when I don't have a challenge.

Seeing my therapist on Friday.









Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: BillP on October 22, 2010, 11:10:15 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

App. 6 weeks ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

After confonting her, she finally admitted and detailed the abuse she suffered from her parents.

What did I think the contact was all about?

For me, I thought she owed my the truth. Nothing more!

How did I handle it?

My heart sank as I knew the truth before she told me, but was even more devastated when she described the details.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Everyone has told me that you should not confront ppl with BPD, but I still believe I was right in my approach. The relationship was over, but I felt, if nothing else, she owed me the truth. No matter how painful, I can live with the truth!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: grimalkin on October 22, 2010, 11:59:56 AM


How long ago was the last contact?

Two days ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A text.  We don't see or speak to each other on the phone.  I texted him in response to a text he had sent the day before, in which he had expressed how broken he was, how much he loved and missed me, and how he'll always need me.  I responded that I'll always be his friend.  I had been for 20 years, and I felt like I could be friends for another 20-- I just can't live with him or be his SO.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Me wanting to help him feel better and loved, and help myself by knowing he'll be okay and hopefully we will be friends after all this.  Don't know how that will play out, or if it would even work.

How did I handle it?

I probably should have remained NC.  I'm still weak in that regard.  I get a lot of self image and self esteem through helping and being needed.  I need to work on that.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Again, I probably should have remained NC.  If he got together with someone else right now, I'd be crushed.  I remain hopeful, but I don't really want to be friends this soon.  I need time to heal by myself.  At least he's not texting me very much at all.  It's too hard not to read them at this point.  I don't really need him to need me-- I have to keep telling myself that.  We're both able to live apart and have our own lives.  I need to tell myself that, too.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Crystal Ball on October 22, 2010, 08:26:52 PM
The only communication was one email that I sent to him about 7 weeks ago to try to get some closure.  His response to that was one last dig at why or problems were all my fault.  He owes me $ that he promised to pay in December when he gets a settlement check.  I'm thinking I'll be calling a lawyer in January to follow up on that... .but I won't contact him again myself.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Phoenixrzng on October 23, 2010, 12:52:53 AM
Last contact?

2 days ago

What was the contact?

Repeatedly calling me about an error in paperwork (his mistake--we run a business and are not yet divorced). Something I could have taken care any time that day but he wanted a response immediately so he kept calling. I have been trying to have all messages filtered through a 3rd person (employee).

What was it about?

It was a way to still have control over what I do when I do it and to keep tabs on where I am and provoke me to engage.

How did I handle it?

I engaged got defensive and verbally abusive. (I am soo angry) Told him what a rotten father he was because he was more concerned with other things than his son that has been ill for 3 weeks. Demanded that he bring bottled water and Gatoraide. Then I called back and told him to forget it that we needed nothing from him and I wouldn't accept a small gesture (I had to ask for) that would help ease his conscience. He left the water and Gatoraide outside and felt like a hero.

Do over?

YES! I was out of control and should never have given him the satisfaction that I could use his help or that he could even upset me so much for being so insensitive to the fact his son has been sick.

I blew it that day and the next because he called again and asked if I could use anything (cause he felt guilty from the things I said the day before) I said yes (AGAIN ?) I asked for water softener salt and a big bag of dog food, because I was physically and emotionally exhausted from caring for my son and doctor/hospital visits.  I am so mad at myself ! I let him ease his conscience and now he can brag how he still helps us out and look like the good guy. It (NOTHING) will never make up for the years of neglect, abuse and lies.

I am kicking myself now, but I am still in a battle with myself about what he owes us (I want to ask for anything and everything I can) after finding out he had been stealing money from the business and our personal accounts and spending it on his mistress for the last 3 years. (she told me he gave her hundreds and diamond jewelry and that he showed her a canister of cash and stated "I could go buy a new car with this!" She claims he said there was 37k in the can! I have no idea where the money is and do not know if there is a way for my lawyer to recover it.

The biggest f*ed up thing about the whole thing is I looked at the CC statement online today... .he bought the things he brought us on the credit card that we are both responsible for and did not use any of his own cash! what an ___! (both me and him) I always prided myself in handling things well under the circumstance but  I am really having a hard time being mature and in control lately. He stays composed while I lose it these days. It is like we have reversed roles  my-issues  



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Indigo Sky on October 23, 2010, 07:14:12 AM
How long ago was the last contact? Couple days ago (We email each other, replies can be twice a week or once a month, no set pattern)

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email, just sharing what we are doing, goes both ways.

What did I think the contact was all about? Money but not directly asking, she just dropped a part in the email that her son has to do without some things. She was letting me know that she needs money.

How did I handle it? Realize who she is and accept that. So the hint of asking for money didnt bother me. There were other statements she made, so I talked about the other things she wrote about in a positive mannor and didnt talk about the negatives or her lack of $$$$$.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, I think I did okay. For the most part I feel free from the F.O.G. and learning not to be the caretaker, overall it is a good feeling not to place everyone else before myself.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: David Dare on October 23, 2010, 08:47:36 AM
How long ago was the last contact?  About a month

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Chat through facebook with a few subsequent messages shared back and forth

What did I think the contact was all about?  I think she was in between boyfriends and was getting lonely

How did I handle it? Hard to say.  I unloaded my thoughts regarding the r/s, which at this point was after many months of NC.  I didn't attempt to reengage, nor did she. 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  A do-over in the breech of NC?  I think this is what you are asking.  There isn't much I would've changed.  There was no attempt at reengagement by either of us, and I think it helped me to at least state my opinion once and for all.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: C12P21 on October 23, 2010, 01:16:54 PM
There has been blocked phone calls with hangups at work and home. I suspect it is my exNPDbf.

A few poems sent via mail with no address, no signature, and typed.

I read it and thought; wow, so much energy invested in dysfunction, a couch trip would be  easier... .and more productive.

The poems are his usual trade mark style. He refers to the end of our r/s as an absence from each other, this pattern is typical of narcissim. He is trolling to get a response.

Lately I have worked alot on active forgiveness. This has helped me to let go so there has been no response on my part, or tears shed, or wishful thinking. This experience has been a lesson learned, forgiveness is possible, but trust is another matter, there is none, I have nothing left to offer him other than forgiveness.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: bluelotus9 on October 23, 2010, 03:20:13 PM


How long ago was the last contact? Last week

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email re work matters. She is senior administrative assistant in the graduate studies office where I work. It was to ask me (us - a generic email) to forward applications we'd received for PhD positions

What did I think the contact was all about? As above, but previous emails approx once a week are an excuse to engage contact when I've told her NC and even mentioned it to her line manager that I want to avoid or minimize any email contact

How did I handle it? Forwarded bare application with no message from myself

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, i wouldn't handle it differently, Though NC is hard and I fantasize sending her a text on her birthday... .


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Mystic on January 03, 2011, 10:44:26 AM
How long ago was the last contact?  Almost 3 months.

What was the contact?  Ugly, cold, angry response to an email I'd sent trying to make peace between us.  It was full of blame, projection, etc. Never wants to seem me again, then demands the few belongings he left here.  Rage at me for calling the cops after he hit me (even though I made sure no harm came to him as a result... .no arrest, no charges, no record.  

What did I think the contact was all about?  Spewing his ugliness at someone... .who knows.  I don't feel like know him at all anymore, if I ever did.  Note that it was written at about 2:30 am.  Anyone who needs to write poison pen emails at that hour of the day ain't a happy person and needs a long hard look in the mirror.  I know he used to spit venom at his psycho ex... .guess now it's my turn. 

How did I handle it?  Waited a few days to collect my thoughts.  Responded that when/if he could ever be civil and decent to me that I would welcome the opportunity for peace between us.  That although anyone has the right to end a relationship I did not deserve to be left in such an ugly way, and that blame and name calling did not justify the way things happened.  I said I would continue to pray for peace between us.  

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  

Probably not.  I loved him, I am a peacemaker.  I would like peace between us.  My conscience is clear... .he's the one who broke the relationship, ragefully and without warning and has not allowed us resolution.  

I won't contact him again, if peace is to be, the ball's in his court.   Can't keep extending a bare hand to a rabid dog.  


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: brenbabe on January 03, 2011, 11:12:42 AM
How long ago was last contact ?  9 days ago


What was the contact ?  He texted me at 6 am Christmas morning to say " Merry Christmas cute one"  . Later that day he texted saying " you have a shirt of mine" also he listed all the things he got for Christmas gifts.   I did not answer either text. He had texted me also a week before saying " I want to talk to you, I am lonely" " I think you are mad at me" . I did not respond to that either. Those were the first contacts since I ended things with him on sept 28th after he raged at me for the first time.

What did I think it was all about?  Him wanting to make sure I am available to him if he needs something or someone. Him trying to keep connected in some sick way for his own benefit. Notice how he said " I am lonely" not lonely for YOU but lonely in general. I am sure a few minutes later he called someone else saying the same thing.

How did I handle it ?  Didnt respond because I know if I do things will be exactly the same, it will always be push pull and me getting nothing but crumbs. its all about him and always will be.

How would I handle it or do it over?  I did the right thing by not engaging so I think I did fine.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: OTH on January 04, 2011, 01:26:15 PM
How long ago was the last contact? I have been NC 3 weeks. She has sent several texts and an email. I have not responded.

What was the contact? Wanting me to watch her cats... .telling me her car is going into the shop... .telling me her new place isn't working out and she has to move again... .wanting to get her stuff from my cottage.

What did I think the contact was all about? Trying to suck me back in... .and looking for sympathy.

How did I handle it? Maintained NC. Last text was Dec. 30th.

Our last actually conversation had her raging at me... .calling me an arrogant hit_ who treats people like sht. We were having an insignificant argument over class prerequisites... .the rage started when I showed her I was right. We got to the point where she argued about anything... .and everything... .I decided enough was enough... and went NC. I had been studying NPD and thought maybe that was her... .than I discovered this site and it fit like a glove. She told me about the time she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. They diagnosed her but I can't for the life of me remember what she said. I want to say she said "BPD" but I can't remember. I think she said she was just depressed over a breakup. I wish I could remember that conversation more clearly but I just remember she insisted they didn't know what they were talking about.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Benny on January 05, 2011, 04:09:23 AM
Last contact was November 6 2010 at a function we both attended where I spent the night avoiding her but she made sure we spoke and told me she thought it was sad that we couldnt be friends anymore as she missed visiting me for a drink,good music and intelligent conversation.

I told her we both knew that was a bad idea and as she walked away she turned back to me and said,in her own sexy way, ''and you know how much I love sex''.

Just her trying to dangle the carrot,havent heard from or seen her since that night.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: JonnyJon42 on January 18, 2011, 04:31:59 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

2 Days ago

What was the contact?

Txt she ran off for a week after testing me then when i told her i can take this anymore and i will not be contacting her again the next day she sent me a crap load of rage txt calling me a monster and saying she can never forgive me for not loving her enough or the way she wanted and that means i cant be trusted oh and then she said in passing to much messed up stuff happen that week so i wont want her anyways shes a differnt person lol in a week mind you. I think she was really mad over the fact in the im not talking to you anymore txt i said i made a new friend over the week and SHE help me realize i need to not contact you anymore. i think thats what really set her off

How did I handle it?

Let her keep going and kept saying im sorry you feel that way over and over then restarted NC

Im hoping i wont hear from her again but unsure about that

Would i do it differnt?

maybe not txt her at all and hope she went away instead of the hour of rage txts lol






Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: man34 on January 19, 2011, 12:36:16 AM
its been 9 months... .she called me for money and left a message on my phone saying she was having internal bleeding (a lie)... .i was supporting her financially at that time... .she called me in my office to ask for more money so that she can get a laser cosmetic job... .i said no way... .there was a very heated argument and a ended up swearing at her... .after that i said enough is enough and totally cut myself out (blocked all her email addys, changed my number, etc.)... .


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Josefina on January 23, 2011, 08:24:52 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

13 days ago...

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? email stating she and her daughter needed help, I had sent a Happy New Years. She stated since you send me a Happy NewYears I thought I ws still in your thoughts...

What did I think the contact was all about?

She most certainly needs money but I am sure she feels like she wants to talk to me. She stated" you at least be proud of me" but I would not go into detais unless we can talk about it" ... I know you may not want to talk to me but believe me, my daugther needs all the help she can get... "

How did I handle it?

I waited a couple of days and answer very objectively to please not contact me while she was in the r/s she was at the moment. (this person is being manipulated by her and ea time she approaches me, he threatens with bodily harm, she pretends in front of him that I am stalking her, she came to my house once with him and started to screamed at me to leave her alone and stop harrasing her while she grab my neck and "staged" punching me on my stomach... crazy ahh?). Since I still care about her I emailed another email back as an answer stating that I hope she was doing well and that I still care, but to please stay away... and that her daughter knew where to find me.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

not sure, I am not sure because I feel guilty as if I was responsible for her well being, I still care and love her and do not want any harm to her. Is like I want peace but want her to have peace, get therapy and be well. I don't know how to help and I know it is not my responsibility but it is in my nature to try to make things better for the people I love.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: MaybeSo on August 23, 2011, 07:00:04 PM
Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

yesterday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

sharing information about payment on a joint credit card

What did I think the contact was all about?

same as above

How did I handle it?

cordially, via email

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

no, it was handled fine


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Clearmind on August 23, 2011, 10:26:05 PM
How long ago was the last contact? 3 months ago


What was the contact

Called, which I ignored then emailed asking me for a computer receipt which he already had.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Intially I thought he cared then thought no hang on he is trying desperately to reconnect. Telling that his life was messy etc - he wanted rescuing/validation.

How did I handle it?

I emailed the computer receipt with very little text - business like - then got more emails back than I bargainned for - which I ignored.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

NO but this time I would not reply at all. I have blocked all avenues except the possibility that he may turn up at my door and I cant block his number on my iphone.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: MindfulJavaJoe on August 24, 2011, 12:10:28 AM
How long ago was the last contact? & What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

1. 2 emotional e-mails yesterday. Dictating terms re access to the children.

2. Phone call day prior to that "I need you to do me a BIG favour"

3. Face to face 3 days earlier at handover more requests for to help her deal with "stuff".  

What did I think the contact was all about?

"I am struggling to cope and YOU can help ME"

Also looking to control me, see if I am still stupid enough to be emotionally available as a friend

How did I handle it?

1. preparing as short factual respose to the e-mail.

2. declined

3. deal with it to protect my own name

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Same



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Al on August 24, 2011, 12:14:42 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

Tonight

What was the contact?

He came over to my house unannounced, no one was home so then he called me.  I did not answer his call let it go to voicemail

What did I think the contact was all about?

To see what I was up too

How did I handle it?

Ignored it

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would do it all the same


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: diotima on August 24, 2011, 01:24:10 AM
How long ago was the last contact? His last contact to me (emails) was about 2 1/2 months ago--email questions about non-relationship issues. He was trying to re-engage me in a conversation. I didn't answer the emails.

My last contact to him was perhaps a month before that when I said for the third or fourth time in response to phone calls and emails that I didn't want a relationship with him (email). I don't remember the exact date and don't want to look in the emails. (He wanted to come back when an affair fizzled)

Would I do the same. I think so.

Diotima



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Sofie on August 24, 2011, 03:40:03 AM
Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

Two years ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A text message, which basically was an invitation for sex, sent to me two months after my ex dumped me for another woman, who she told me was her "soul mate."



What did I think the contact was all about?


Making sure I was still available/that she could still control me.

How did I handle it?

I texted, "You are crazy. Seriously. Stay away from me - you have hurt me enough."

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yes, my reply text was sent in a fit of anger and grief - I wish I had had the composure to not respond at all.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Goofy Goober on August 24, 2011, 09:13:21 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

August '10

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She was supposedly stalked by one of her other gazillion exes.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Draining the last bit of empathy out of me.

How did I handle it?

Bad. After a few messages back and forth she suddenly accused me of stalking her! Excuse me, but who was the one who contacted me, you weird broad?

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yeah, I would not have given her the satisfaction of pulling me further down the spiral.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: OTH on August 24, 2011, 09:24:41 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

One Month ago. First contact since Febuary.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed her one of her old emails from before she move in. I was deleting them all but made the mistake of reading them. lol

In it she talks about not knowing who she is and how I shouldn't try to get to know her too much. She calls herself a "swing of the pendulum" type girl. This kind of stood out to me now that I know about BPD. I emailed her this and asked her about it. I also brought up the time she told me about her hospitalization and that the hospital diagnosed her BPD. She insisted it was just depression and the hospital didn't have time to make a diagnosis like that. I asked her if she knew she had BPD. We emailed back a forth a couple times. She wanted to come see me (which finally brought me back to my senses). I said I was unavailable all week. That was the end of it. Whoops!

What did I think the contact was all about?

I was triggered by reading the old email and thought I could spell it out for her that she knew she had BPD. I went back into savior mode. lol

How did I handle it?

Very poorly. I snapped out of it when she expressed interest in seeing me. I do not want to see her. I'm not scared of seeing her. I will be polite and friendly if I meet her in public. I know I can't help her and it is bad for my own emotional health to keep trying.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



Yes. I would just delete the email. It is not my job to fix her emotional health. That is her battle. My battle is making my life healthy and happy.  *)


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: cc2 on February 29, 2012, 11:46:01 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

a few hour ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

send an email for my stamp collection (grandfather is really bad and half of it was given by him. Don't find it, so must be on her attic). Left a few nasty remarks (jezus, I am becoming BPD).

What did I think the contact was all about?

Me wanting to get my things back and somehow wanting her to know that I can spill the dirt as much as she can

How did I handle it?

Badly, I have given her ammo to shoot again. Yeah I know, I am just being honest

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: OTB on February 29, 2012, 11:59:51 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

A couple of hours ago,

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday.  She sent an email back saying "thanks".  I could't let go the email that she sent me yesterday saying "I finally put the puzzle together,  I think. I am sorry, that you couldn't love me enough."  She never answered me when I asked her "what puzzle", so I asked her again and still no response. 

What did I think the contact was all about?

I wanted to wish her happy birthday, even though my T was pretty hard on me last week on why I would do that... .I did it anyway.  I guess it was the email I got from her yesterday that was still weighing on me.  For me, I wanted/longed for her to come to the realization that she has BPD.  She has hinted that she is "crazy" and "doesn't think like everyone else" and I just wanted her to accept some of the blame of the failure of the relationship.  So far, it is ALL my fault. 

How did I handle it?

Stupidly, because I have asked her twice about this damn "puzzle" that she knows about, but in reality it was just bait for reenagement.  And... .of course I get silent treatment and no answer which further confirms the intention of the email.

 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently?  Why?

Yes, I am supposed to be detaching which means not even reading her emails and definitely not responding. 


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: cc2 on February 29, 2012, 03:03:20 PM
hey OTB

I know how you feel... .You know and hoping not to hijack this thread, I just found out someone I really loved and where my own saviour ideal started has me blocked on FB. Stupid thing, I planned on talking to her on saturday (I know she will be at a party [not my BPD ex] this was 8 years ago). And finding this out makes me want to send my BPD a big "why? Why can't you love me, get help, and do something about it". Guess we all want this not?



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: GreenMango on February 29, 2012, 06:25:10 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Jan 15, 2012

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A relay message through my aunt that he will pick me up from the airport and hand over property when I come back home.  The previous attempt a recycling in Sept/2011 he asked to "try it again".

What did I think the contact was all about?

Could have been an attempt to maintain communication and/or a semblance of a "friendship", but I know him and this was his MO so to speak.  I think it was an attempt to recycle under the guise that nothing is wrong and let's forgive and forget.  I have forgiven, but I can't forget this time (Sorry Honey I'm on to you).

How did I handle it?

I didn't respond this time.  I don't appreciate him using my family as a way to leverage communication with me.  I didn't handle myself the way the way I would have liked during the  September/2011 contact and didn't believe there would be a reasonable conversation this time.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

If you had asked me this 6 months ago I would probably say yes I would handle it differently and that I could "handle" or "manage" this relationship.  But, the more time that passes and the soul searching has brought on this feeling that I don't want a "do-over".

I see these last two attempts to contact were about him and not about any love between us.  He lost his father, a job, and probably more... .He needed someone to rescue him, provide support, or comfort.  He only saw me in respect to him and how I affected him, he didn't see me for me.  Writing that brings up some real hurt... .but me wishing it was different is foolish.  Even if I got a "do-over" I will always doubt him... .it will be something constantly tickling at the back of my mind.  It sounds a little BPD on my part but I think we have too much tar between us now.  I can clean it off, but that sticky feeling never seems to go away.

I am realizing that even if he sought out treatment like I had asked for it won't change a thing.  I believe he needs to do these things for himself and for no other reason... .the catalyst might be from a failed relationship, but I don't want him to do it for me.  I can't help him fight his illness, it's not mine.  I got my problems to deal with.

I know this might sound strange but... .I don't want him as he is and I don't want him how he could be either anymore.  He is who he is and that is not enough for me anymore... .I imagine and hope that there is someone who he will fit with better.  I want and need things he can't provide and he wants and needs things I can't provide.  I'm starting to believe that he was in my life for one reason only: to help me grow.  I'm not sure why I was in his life, but he has to figure that out or not.

-GM


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: zoso80 on February 29, 2012, 06:25:33 PM
Necessary Information Exchange.

How long ago was the last contact?

January 2011.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed exBPD to inform her that her email address that was part of my account which I paid and provided to her would be terminating in one week.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Common courtesy.  No matter how ugly things had been, notifying her of her email going away was the right thing. Just yanking the plug isn't right. I wouldn't want that done to me.

How did I handle it?

Business tone with a smidge of terseness.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

For sake of discussion, I'm going to assume this is in regards to the last communication. I am satisfied with my tone and my consideration. It was "facts only" with no emotion for her glom on to. She replied about something she was going to do. I didn't reply to her. What she did was her business. I was clear and accomplished my goals by giving her a week window to migrate to another email address. I had no other intentions, motivations or desires.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: cc2 on March 01, 2012, 02:30:16 AM
FYI

my contact ended again in threats for the recycled-ex bf... .Great. Guess I'll need a laywer soon. Jezus, won't these people just die... .



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: The_411 on March 01, 2012, 11:23:13 PM
How long ago was the last contact? 

late 2009

This is how it started (this is her first email):


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

We saw the movie District 9

What did I think the contact was all about?

We were sort of hanging out I guess (I was deluded or needed to endure more pain) She basically started ripping me telling me why our relationship didn't work out.

How did I handle it?

I snapped and yelled at her and berated her for 45 minutes


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Hard to say it was the first time I really stood up to her and let her have it. I think I should have just let it all go after her screwing it up back in 2007 and not re-engaging.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: 34broken on March 02, 2012, 12:39:22 AM
Necessary Information Exchange.  (prior contact was a sour email from her 2/7/12 - in response to my trying to explain why NC was important outside of work ... maybe we could talk in future when I heal *she broke up with me on 1/28 and 3 days later with her new man*)

How long ago was the last contact?

Today

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed exBPD (we work at the same company) about a mutual customer. Due to some confusion, she needed to be notified.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Common courtesy. (and secretly hoping for some some positive dialogue)

How did I handle it?

Business tone with a friendly manner . : " first : Hi.  Secondly, customer X has ... ." 

She responded back with " Hey ! Ok Thanks :) "  that's it.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

She needed to be notified of the possible problem.  Maybe , I could have done w/o the Hi... .don't know. I just was hurt with regards to her last email. I just wanted a friendly exchange and it appears  that happened. Mentally, I feel better. But lets face it ... .I am nowhere close to healing... My heart wants all of her craziness back... .   My brain shakes its head.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Intime on March 09, 2012, 05:53:32 PM
How long ago?

1 week to today.

Type of contact? Text messages, (1) blank, (2) telling me he was sending me some $$$ he owes me (3) he would send it to my P.O. Box - - 3 total (2nd and 3rd, 2 hours apart).

What was contact about?  Probably just wanting to make himself feel good and trying to keep communication open.

How did I handle it?  Well the break up has only been about 6 weeks, it shook me up a little - ruminating, but I did not respond - - kept NC.

What would I do differently?  Nothing, NO CONTACT






Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: HowPredictable on March 09, 2012, 08:47:09 PM
1.  How long ago was the last contact? 

Today.

2.  What was the contact?

An e-mail, containing a single word:  My last name.

3.  What do you think the contact was all about?

It was about proving to me - yet again - that he's disordered.

4.  How did you handle it?

Stuck to NC.

5.  If you got a "do-over" would you handle it differently? Why?

Yes.  I would have hesitated in puzzlement even LESS than the 1 second I did, before deleting it.   Why?  See item 3.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: awesomenessdefined on March 09, 2012, 09:18:47 PM
How long ago was the last contact? Yesterday. I got an e-mail using one of her friends names as an alias. I responded. I know it's a bogus account she has set up.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Forwarded Chain E-mail.

What did I think the contact was all about? Staying in touch, seeing how I would respond. Object consistancy issues, making sure i am still here and available.

How did I handle it? I responded. With a chain e-mail of my own.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I doubt it. I  feel like I am at a place to put up boundries and protect myself if she decides to ever come back.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: 34broken on March 09, 2012, 10:03:47 PM
I am a glutton for punishment... .   :'(

1.  How long ago was the last contact? 

Today.

2.  What was the contact?

An e-mail, responding to my exgfBPD'd email from yesterday that if we adhere to boundaries it is best to cut all ties. She did not want to have her new bf feel threatened. So I replied back in  an explanation of why I wanted to re-connect in some sort of way... .  I wrote that " i will respect your boundaries and I wish you well"

3.  What do you think the contact was all about?

I have some sick desire to want to know that she is not 'hateful' towards me ... .I know  huh?

4.  How did you handle it?

I felt the need to respond back

5.  If you got a "do-over" would you handle it differently? Why?


I just would have wrote... .I wish you well.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: harmony1 on March 09, 2012, 10:07:58 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

5 months ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

he wanted to be friends and did not understand why we could not be in contact

What did I think the contact was all about?

recycling keeping me close  he was lonely

How did I handle it?

lather rinse repeat  that we were divorcing  and we were both moving on

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

no


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: C12P21 on March 09, 2012, 10:28:31 PM
How long ago was the last contact? One week ago after two years NC

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? He was driving by my place of work, since he lives in another state and I work in an isolated area... there is no reason for him to drive by at the moment I am getting off work.

What did I think the contact was all about? Who knows... but since the drive by I've been receiving phone calls from blocked numbers that leave no message and I never answer.

How did I handle it? Ignored him.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, I handled it. I had a nightmare that evening... felt anxiety and sadness, it passed. There is nothing to do, he is disordered and has the capacity to hurt me emotionally, best to ignore him and continue on.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: trax on April 24, 2012, 08:33:59 PM
Yes.  He seems to really come around whenever he gets a GF.  Of course he will try to hide the GF and lie about having one, but I've noticed the pattern.  I confronted him this time and he was like well I didn't want you to be sad     Sad for the girl maybe!

I've got to get tougher again on this one, I fall too easily back into friendship with him and I don't want to be that person.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Happiest on April 24, 2012, 10:45:52 PM
How long ago was the last contact Two days ago. I had to arrange a time to pick my things up (he failed to meet the last arrangements.

{b}What was the contact[/b] - me texting him, he text back with an obscure answer, I text back - informing a time and would have police present to ensure access without dramas and my sons would be assisting me. He replied Sunday 9 is fine

How did I handle it. simple text, short and when he wanted to decorate with a game I stopped it in its track

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I dont think so, I just need to get my things out and then leave him to his life. I dont contact him over anything else as of two weeks ago. He has baited me to pick up paper work, which I did, but everything else is taken care of now. He is blocked on my email, facebook and soon on my phone.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Faded on April 25, 2012, 10:50:49 AM
Excerpt
How long ago was the last contact?

Mid december 2011


Excerpt
What was the contact

Text message with her new number and a few words.



Excerpt
What did I think the contact was all about?

Attempt to triangulate, keep me in the frame for control, she realised a part of what she lost, dipping her toes in the water to test the temperture.


Excerpt
How did I handle it?

Didnt read the words to the text, seen it was from her and her new number, didnt read the rest and hit delete.



Excerpt
If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Do over? you mean if i got presented with the same scenario would i act differently?

No, id delete the text the same as the previous texts before reading them. I dont need to know what she asking/saying/wanting to know.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: NewStart on April 25, 2012, 11:22:59 AM
How long ago was the last contact? August 2010

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? It was almost a year to the date of break-up, long email after a year of NC telling me how much she loved me and missed me and the times we had together

What did I think the contact was all about? I think it was a fishing expedition, I'm not positive but my replacement and her from what I can tell were done soon after that.

How did I handle it? I didn't respond for about three weeks... .then we messaged back and forth a bit... .she wanted to meet and talk... .then I did the hardest thing I've ever done and responded that I didn't think we had anything to talk about, that I had grown and for her to please not text, email or call me again and to please respect that boundary... .and that's the last I ever heard from her.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? Wow, tough one... .if I were a stronger man I would never have responded at all, but deep in my heart I wanted to believe that she really wasn't disordered... .that it would work out etc. etc... .

Do over... .in some ways too I think I should have been stronger too and just talked to her.

Over all, hard to say... .I even think it's hard to say what I would really do if she contacted me today.  I think I'm much stronger now and would opt to sit down and talk.

Newstart



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: soul on April 25, 2012, 11:50:11 AM
Last contact about a month ago [first in 13 months] Initially she phoned me a couple of times and left messages but I deleted without listening to them.

Bumped into her in a shop

Pretty much blanked her

No point being in contact, I have no more to give this person, not even words. Being normal I am backing up my words with action, NC means NC


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: MindfulJavaJoe on April 25, 2012, 12:06:04 PM
Still recieve almost daily contact from her via SMS or email.

I now just ignore unless critical issues wrt our children. The last one was 3 weeks ago. 

Most of the contact is unecessary and is all about her.

I have learnt to look after me and let go of her. Something she seems not to be able to understand. She has a new bf but I guess he does not satisfy all of her needs. If he did she would not contact me.

There was a time when contact used to be about seeing if I was still hooked. Now it is more to do with blaming.

I get texts with key words spelt out in capitals.

I do not see that she has changed in any way.

Her behaviour is always unenexpected but equally becoming more transparent over time.

I do not initiate contact with her.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: MindfulJavaJoe on April 25, 2012, 12:12:09 PM
I forgot to mention the big advantage of NC is the time saved not having to carefully compose emails or SMS messages.

:)



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: abovebeyond on April 25, 2012, 12:25:22 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

2 days.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Text. Arranged to get belongings back, stressing no face to face pick up.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Getting rest of my stuff.

How did I handle it?

Fairly calm and level headed, but with an under current of solidly anchored, pissed-offness.


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Not sure.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: hijodeganas on April 25, 2012, 06:09:34 PM
Last contact was about 3 months ago.

The last communication we had was basically her raging at me for asking certain friends to remove her from their friend's list on facebook.

It was on the phone.

I didn't get baited into a fight, but it was pretty upsetting.  I realize what I did was harsh, but there was no kindness or warmth in her voice at all, and it was a bit shocking to me.

It could have been about a million things, but I think at least a part of it is what my friend's told me:  She wanted to use certain "mutual" friends (whom she barely knew) to keep tabs and/or influence on me.  She raged when she realized I had the power to stop her from doing that (all my friends deleted her, as I requested).

I handled it better than I handled a lot of things with her at the time, but in retrospect, I wish I had kept it briefer; we sent a series of emails back and forth afterwards.  I wish I had kept it simple and to the point: "Look, this is what I feel is necessary for me to help move past you.  You do what you feel you need to do.  Goodbye." Click.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: bb12 on April 25, 2012, 07:09:06 PM
How long ago was the last contact?1 week ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?text message. Me sending him a 'good luck' message for opening night of his play

What did I think the contact was all about?I have trouble handling the 'discard' I was subjected to. In weak moments, I will attempt contact. Never had this happen to me before and I guess I really still want to talk it out or end on better terms

How did I handle it?Poorly. He hadn't responded to an earlier text, so I sent this one for my own sense of closure (again!). Told him I was still in disbelief at the cruel way he ended it

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yes - my do over would be to do NOTHING. I am furious at myself to
allowing him to know / think he still has the power over me. By attempting any sort of contact, I gave away my power - and set myself back a few months in my healing.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: JudasKiss on April 25, 2012, 07:19:32 PM
Last contact? Today

What was contact? Text message then attempted phone call.

What was contact about? First contact was about our children then immediately shifted to personal ie.  how was I doing?

How did I handle it?  First contact I answered question.  After second attempt I didn't reply and quickly got a phone call which I didn't answer. I finally broke down and replied to message, but stated for her not to go there and that was it. No more contact since.

Would I handle differently?  Not sure at this point... .


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: flynavy on June 06, 2013, 08:45:59 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

Physical - March 15, 2013

Phone/Text - April 21, 2013

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Physical was for sex... . she agreed

Phone was for sex again... . didin't do it.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Trying to stop the pain of being alone after my wife died 3 1/2 yrs ago.

How did I handle it?

Physical - was our typical over the top sex... . but this time she seemed a little stand offish... . I think she didn't like or sensed that I was there not because I still wanted her but I was there just for nature call as she would put it.

Phone/Text - surprised her at airport after she visited relatives after she was texting me all day... . her other boyfriend was there to meet her.  I did not confront physically.  Texted her to see if she wanted me to meet her in baggage claim.  Obviously the the lies spewed out of her mouth as usual.  That was last contact ever.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



Yeah... . would have never had sex with her after I called off the wedding last June... . Just kept the attachment going... . it was dangerous as well.  Her other boyfriend who was engaged to her as well who never knew about me just as I didn't know about him came to my house one night while we were in bed... . let's just say it was a crazy night.  Funny... . even though he caught us together he is still with her. 



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Mightyhammers on June 06, 2013, 09:02:55 AM
Last contact was around a week and a half ago, she got me on FB to say that she had been to the town near where I lived and she managed not to get lost without having a panic attack. I think she just did it to get a reaction out of me ( she told me the day before that she was visiting near me ). I read it and deleted it.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: eniale on June 06, 2013, 09:38:51 AM
After he told me about cheating, NC for 2 weeks (although he kept emailing me, wanted me to be his friend, knocked on my door -- I did not answer, etc.)  Finally called him.  He asked if I would go to a long awaited party with him (his friends who really liked me; guess he didn't want to explain why I wasn't there, his new girlfriend, etc.)  First I said yes, thought maybe it would be a good way to "end" it, plus I really like these people & thought maybe I would get a chance to tell the wife what really happened; knew he never would.  But after "sleeping on it" realized it meant a 3 hour car trip with him & became angry.  Called & told him I was not going, then emailed him, subject line:  GOODBYE and now it's 4 mos. NC & I am getting better all the time.  Great suffering the first month, but gradually each month it has gotten better.  Best part:  I no longer am obsessed with thinking about him.  Used to think about him ALL the time; every day it's less and less.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: C12P21 on July 03, 2013, 07:58:14 PM


How long ago was the last contact?


Two days ago



What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK
)?

The premiere of a documentary our child had produced.



What did I think the contact was all about?


He tried to converse with me several times, an attempt to look good in public.



How did I handle it?


I moved away from him three times and completely ignored him.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I wouldn't change anything. Finally, I am in a place where my stomach no longer churns when I see him and I no longer respond to his attempt to recycle me. The only impact it has is nightmares for the next couple of nights due to his abuse of me.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Validation78 on July 03, 2013, 10:24:16 PM
How long ago was the contact?

1 week ago

What was the contact?

Email

What do I think the contact was all about?

His need to dump his anger and frustrations somewhere. I haven't engaged one bit in 6 months, and now that the divorce is final, we have no reason to make contact. He needed to vent, to share his perceptions with me, perhaps in the hopes that hitting below the belt, which he did, would get me to bite.

How did I handle it?

I was shaken up. After letting it settle a bit, running it past a friend and my T for a different perspective, I decided what I thought was a threat was not, it was an intimidation. I tore it apart, line by line, word for word, and can counter every statement with my truth, THE TRUTH, and saw it for what it was, vastly projection! I ignored it, just as I had all the rest, the sweet ones, and the mean, hateful, angry ones. I did not engage.

If I got a do-over would I handle it differently?

No. I accept that to engage is to enrage. He's already angry and hateful. I don't need to add fuel to the fire. I feel good about upholding my NC commitment!


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: eniale on July 04, 2013, 03:27:59 AM
Email contact June 13, 2013 after 4 months NC.  Said, "Can we be Friends."

I only responded as I was seeking closure.  Next email from him "a close friendship can be satisfying.  My response "close friendship impossible due to unresolved issues I do not wish to discuss."  His next:  "O.K.  Don't want to lose contact with you."  Never an apology for hurting me or "I'm sorry" --  Then said he is still seeing woman he cheated on me with, "but that having been said, think of you every day and realize affection I had for you & that I greatly undervalued you."  Asked if I was seeing anyone, when I said yes he responded "This is what I wanted to hear; so very happy for you; you deserve it."  My interpretation:  he does not want to feel guilty, can't be decent enough to apologize, only wants to feel better about himself.  Then I let him have it with how much he hurt me.  He needs to feel good abut self & used to brag was stll in contact with old girlfriend.  Well, not this one!  Have not heard from him since.   (expected.)  If I ever do again, I plan to ignore it.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: babyducks on July 04, 2013, 07:55:55 AM


How long ago was the last contact?


6 days ago.



What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK
)?

She arrived at a public event that I always attend and she previously had no interest in.



What did I think the contact was all about?


I believe it was another emotional make me feel better fix.  



How did I handle it?


I acknowledge she was there by greeting her and went on with my evening.  wasn't easy.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

No I wouldn't do anything differently.  I wasn't about to pollute this event, which is very important to me, with drama from her.   It did impact me greatly.   Seeing her was very hard.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Tincup on May 05, 2014, 11:08:04 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

-About 2 weeks ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

-An email asking if I was interested in meeting a friend of hers that was interested in meeting me.


What did I think the contact was all about?

-She wanted a reaction out of me.

How did I handle it?

-I maintained NC

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

-I would do the same thing again.  Although I was angry over her email.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: goldylamont on May 05, 2014, 11:20:09 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

--about a year ago on the dot


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

--started with a voicemail. a few texts/facebook messages. we talked on the phone once for 10 min.


What did I think the contact was all about?

--she broke up with her 2nd bf (since our r/s) and wanted to try and reconnect. she had moved in 4 houses away from me after 6 months NC after breaking up with him... . she didn't mention this on the phone i found out a week or so later from neighbors, but maybe she wanted to say something about it.

How did I handle it?

Short friendly phone conversation, then I ignored all subsequent texts.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

No. I'm glad i had that short conversation as it was friendly on both sides. This was in some ways fake of course since I wasn't happy with her at all. But it felt really good to be able to speak with her being mutually respectful, even if only for a few minutes. I needed to do it for me. But once I got this I ignored her dumb ass. I thought she probably only called me anyway because she's in between men to abuse--and found out this was true. She just got worse and worse apparently after we split. Since then she used to play games and park next to me in front of my house, this stopped after several months though. And for the last year we've avoided any contact other than briefly seeing each other from across the street so I'm thankful for that.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: corraline on May 05, 2014, 11:45:30 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

About a week ago

What was the contact

Many negative , vicious , angry emails with the messages all in the subject line and sent to both of my email accounts

What did I think the contact was all about?

Not sure, maybe closure for him.  Trying to blame me for the failure of the relationship and how i betrayed the relationship and did not have the capacity to be in a relationship with him because of my fear



How did I handle it?

I did not respond, but it helped me to really see how dysfunctional and distorted his thinking really is




Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Conundrum on May 05, 2014, 01:41:36 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

This past Friday night

What was the contact?

Around 9:00 p.m. driving back home w my kids in the car, as we approach the house I comment--I wonder whose car that is parked in front? As we got closer my boys and I all exclaim in unison it's insert her name! I told them, I bet she's asleep in her car. Sure enough, I shine a light through the window and she's conked out in the drivers seat with her head resting on a pillow on the passenger's seat--all her earthly belongings piled high inside the car.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Nothing, everything, who knows?

How did I handle it?

Didn't dare wake the sleeping dragon right away--cuz she's become a tweaker and you know how that goes. After a few hours, when the kids are in bed, I knock on her window and wake her up. She's groggy as all. She makes room for me by moving a laundry basket and I enter her domicile, the car. I've learned not to ask any logical questions, such as "why are you here?" Instead I just go w the flow. We briefly chat--it's another drama/fight w the tweaker boyfriend hmmm... . yawn. I'm not too interested and cut it short. I drink a beer in her car. She says, she can't get any money until the morning, has no gas--so she'll have to sleep in front of my house. I tell her, "no way." She asks, "why?"  I say, "it's common sense, I don't want you here, and it would be fu@kin weird." I give her $20 for gas, and send her on her way.

"If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

If my kids weren't w me, there's a chance I might have explored other options--uncertain--otherwise the same. 



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Waifed on May 05, 2014, 01:41:53 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

8 Months

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She sent me an email saying to stop harassing her when I told her she was possibly BPD.  I had not initiated contact with her first in over 2 weeks.  Later that day she went to the police station and had an officer call me and ask me to not contact her friends or her anymore.  I obliged.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I believe that she had lost control and felt threatened by me because I brought up BPD.

How did I handle it?

We were very LC (she texted me and I responded with one or two wordsz) for two weeks after we broke up.  I was cordial but disengaged.  The final contact left me no option but to move on.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I don't want a do-over.  I wish it had ended differently up until a few months ago but today I don't care.  I was uncharacteristically mean to her the last week of contact.  The bottom line is  that she cheated on me and that is a deal breaker for me, especially the way she did it. She showed her true colors and total lack of character.  After 8 months of clearing my head it is pretty obvious to me that she is not capable of having a lasting relationship with anyone without treating them poorly and/or cheating.  No thanks and no regrets.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: sirius on May 06, 2014, 04:56:29 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

2 weeks ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

1) She text me first and then called to argue about somethings I said in my earlier text.

2) she called and told my T to inform me not to harass her or she will take action.

The conversation was that she was yelling and verbally abusive... . ie... fxxk you mom and your family and you bastxxd and $#&$#^#%$, so I told her in a calm tone " F U too and the same to you and hung up.

What did I think the contact was all about?

to devalue me further

How did I handle it?

I was calm but disaapointed that she still rages on

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I shouldnt have answered or replied at all.



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Truth tales on May 06, 2014, 06:49:17 AM
Interesting... Last contact yesterday and not by choice... My ex BPD bf made out he was helping a friend to move house right around the corner from me... I happened to drive by in that exact moment and waved to say thank you for letting me drive past the removal trailor until i realised it was him... . I had never met the guy he was 'helping' so coincidence ? Doubt it... All a mind ___... Anyway I was soo angry for waving and being friendly without realising it was him... Tried to brush it off but still yelled at the universe for the encounter...


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Split black on May 06, 2014, 10:02:19 AM
Please Post and Vote

Contact with the exBPD in or life is often an emotional struggle.

I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:



How long ago was the last contact?

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

What did I think the contact was all about?

How did I handle it?

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Last contact was 5 days ago... . i got two texts one said... . i have a business proposal call me. The next 3 hours later said c'mon call.  These texts came about a week after a vicious smear campaign. Just prior to the smear crap i had broken 2 months of NC ... . she was mean and unrelenting but texted the following day to come meet her and bring her a substance. I met her... . she didnt get what she wanted... . the meeting didt seem soo horrible. I went away for long weekend and returned to on going smear. Which has stopped. I ignored this last attempt at contact. Ive heard nothing since ignoring her insane request for business proposal. I will never see her again. She is dead to me.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Cardinals in Flight on May 06, 2014, 10:19:34 AM


How long ago was the last contact?

24 days


What was the contact?

It's on me.  I visited to see if there was anything left to talk about, things had ended abruptly 6 weeks prior because I asked her if she could see that her response to a question could be viewed as being "dissed" from my POV.  Silent treatment until I received payment for a shared object,  final tie to her.  I took this from her as, "this is the absolute end no more friendship etc".


What did I think the contact was all about?

Besides the above, it was me trying to smooth things over again so she would not feel abandoned.


How did I handle it?

I was calm, loving, complimentary and not emotional in the face of her blaming me for every little thing that had happened between us.  Completely twising and rewriting events to base "her" facts for not being able to mend the broken fence,  she was not able to say a single word that would appear as an apology or accepting of any of the missteps that occurred. I owned my part, apologized for my wrongs, said "see ya around" and did not look back.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

No.  I did my best with the knowledge and experience that I had.  I can do no more.

Trying to be strong and move forward, I do miss her very very much.  Not the disrespect or abuse.

CiF


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Lion Fire on May 06, 2014, 12:29:48 PM
Please Post and Vote

Contact with the exBPD in or life is often an emotional struggle.

I thought it would be interesting to characterize what we are dealing with and how we are handling it.

Here are the questions:



How long ago was the last contact?

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

What did I think the contact was all about?

How did I handle it?

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

-She contacted me on Saturday to ask if I could talk.

-I responded on Sunday and said that I can't. I need time and space to heal

-She said I was selfish and verything was always about me

-She then told me to man up and get my head seen to  :)

Next time round I won't even respond.

The case is closed aside from a mobile phone contract we have to resolve in late June.




Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Emelie Emelie on May 06, 2014, 01:31:39 PM
I contacted him last night.  Said I was really struggling with this.  It just happened so fast.  What happened here?  I was asking about pre-break up.  He responded about post-break up when I "told him off".  Shredded me.  Told me what a horrible hurtful person I was.  Said he wants nothing more to do with me ever again.  Wanted no engagement with me.  Asked if that was clear enough for me.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Banshee on May 06, 2014, 03:21:00 PM
Excerpt
How long ago was the last contact?

3 days ago

Excerpt
What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I text after 10 days of No contact

Excerpt
What did I think the contact was all about?

It was me that contacted him ... I was thinking enough time had passed to speak on an adult level.

Excerpt
How did I handle it?

AWFUL when there was no answer I went back to my old habit of panick texting.I got one reply to my 7-8 texts.Humiliating 

Excerpt
If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would stay No Contact |iiii

... Ive learned 2 things from this ...

1) They are not contacting you for a reason... the time that has  passed and feels ok for YOU to contact doesn't necessarily mean it's enough time for them.

2) If your going no contact stick with it ... I ruined 2 Ten day no contacts like this. There were 2 and 3 days and even a 5 day no contact over the entire 2 1/2 months ... That adds up to no contact for an entire month ... but because I broke it here and there it didn't "feel" that way at all to him or me. So STAY CONSISTENT No contact!



Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: dontknow2 on May 06, 2014, 06:16:11 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

yesterday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Text asking if he can drive up and take me, the boys out for dinner on my son's birthday this Thursday.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Using a soft spot to rekindle and check my temperature; He might be getting interested in someone else and using me to avoid it as well.

How did I handle it?

Text saying "I don't want you to come here.". Now, I can't stop crying as my heart seems to re-break every time we speak... . I wish it would stop.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

My text response is OK but wish I would have tried NC in the past. I am so tired of the sadness drowning my life.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Deeno02 on April 29, 2015, 01:37:06 PM
Ive maintained NC except for one time. Unfortunately, I have to see her 2 or 3 times a week because of sports, but I dont say or do a thing. I watch my son play, and I leave. Still kind of rough though... .:'(


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: C12P21 on May 05, 2015, 10:40:59 PM
It's been many years since we have talked. Five years, six months and nine days. I wouldn't have known this had I not received a note stating this information. It was the usual odd note, sent without a signature or return address. Today his cell phone number is on my phone (all of this within 24 hours of the note). I have moved on with my life and no longer visit this wonderful resource BPD family but once I received the note and call without a message I immediately thought of this site. So here I am posting and thinking how tragic and sad the disorder is... .I suffered so much at the ugly end of our relationship. However,with time, therapy and work I moved on into a better place emotionally. Since receiving such weird contact from him it is apparently clear the nature of BPD. He is stuck, somewhere but thankfully, I no longer am.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: JRT on May 05, 2015, 11:41:29 PM
Seven months and counting of NC... .EXCEPT the 2-5 daily 'silent calls' (spoofed number - different every time, no on on the line or muted... .sometimes hangs up, sometimes doesn't)... .might not be her but I don't see any other possibility


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: mks10 on May 06, 2015, 12:27:52 AM
8 months of NC. Our last communication was her texting me for money because she was living wildly beyond her means. I called her bluff and she just went ballastic and I haven't heard a thing out of her since. She could text for money but couldn't bother with calling me to do it. She was, and is, a complete fraud.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: jhkbuzz on January 14, 2016, 02:37:00 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

A little over a month ago

What was the contact

After the b/u she left a few boxes behind.  I drove to her house while she was at work to leave the boxes at her door.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Returning her things.

How did I handle it?

I was sad as I drove away, but okay.  She texted me a "thank you" several hours later.  I was surprised to realize that receiving her text didn't trigger me in any way.



If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


No


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: sirius on January 14, 2016, 03:38:13 AM
How long ago was the last contact?

14 months ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I txt her to ask how was she

What did I think the contact was all about?

I txt her to ask if she is OK, her reply was "What is it that you want from me?"

How did I handle it?

Badly

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yes, because i found out what BPD is


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: kc sunshine on January 14, 2016, 06:08:01 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Today

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Me calling to say hi & see if her daughter (who wants to stay in regular contact with me) wanted to talk; her returning the phone call & leaving a message

What did I think the contact was all about?

Keeping lines of communication open, maintaining connection with her daughter which is important to me, building friendship with ex ("fake it til you make it"

How did I handle it?

Pretty well... .it was an exchange of phone messages. It still hit me pretty hard though, her happy phone message a reminder that she is doing well and doesn't miss me (I can't say the same for myself yet).

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I think the actual interaction was okay... .if I could change anything magically it would be about how I feel about it. I wish that I felt easier, more at peace with it all.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: JRT on January 14, 2016, 09:50:20 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

September 25 2014... .(this does not include various spells of HIGHLY suspected electronic stalking that continue to date)

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

The direct message that I received was via text, "our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me" ... .the contact before that was, 'Good night... .I love you ... .I miss you" I had gone out of town for business.

What did I think the contact was all about?



How did I handle it?

As it came out of the blue, I was frantic - It was as if someone had kicked me in the teeth.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

" I contacted her family and friends to see what was happening. The ones that answered we shocked and perplexed. I think that I handled it the right way. Given the circumstances, I think that anyone would have done at least that and more


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: UserName69 on January 15, 2016, 06:39:01 AM
I voted for: Necessary information exchange

How long ago was the last contact?

It was nine months ago, since that day I stayed in no contact and I won't contact her no matter what.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

We broke up and we had a fight. She was threatening me because I broke up with her.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Could be anything I think she was trying to stay in touch so she could roll back to me whenever she wanted. This was I believed, because she did this a couple times.

How did I handle it?

When she threatened me I did not want to continue with her. She really made me very angry in return I decided to text her a couple hurtful things. I know it did struck her as lighting.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would have dumped her after the first fight if I could undo things.

I'm still ignoring her, I received a couple strange calls and I knew it was her craving for attention but I didn't take the bait. Going back to her is never going to happen.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: thisworld on November 08, 2017, 05:45:55 PM
How long ago was the last contact?

Two days ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Ran into him in my very small and local festival - he was supposed to be some 500 miles away. This was our first face-to-face encounter after our break up. Asked me if I was OK and then told me how he fell for me again, unexpectedly (in our last contact before this, he had stated angrily that he didn't want a relationship with me anymore - I hadn't asked for it-. This happened as soon as he learnt that I didn't have a house anymore where he could live:))

What did I think the contact was all about?

It was about the thing above.

How did I handle it?

I was very surprised and scared at first when I saw him but managed to appear calm - had the anxiety and the shock later. I tried S.E.T. to the best of my power, tried to keep it civil and friendly but spoke more openly than ever. I told him clearly why we couldn't have a relationship - without blaming him, taking a lot of responsibility about my own feelings, behaviours but not blaming myself either, tried to keep my reasons limited with me.  

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I don't know. I'm trying to think about it. I talked about his confidante ex - a major figure in his triangulations. I had this voice like "don't, don't" but didn't listen. Argh. I wish I hadn't talked about her - I told him I had to step out of what was going on but I passive aggressively said sarcastic things as well. Then I got afraid of this woman as well (she stalks me online) because I'm afraid my ex might tell these to her although he blames her for losing me (he says to me!). But my fear has decreased a great deal. I don't know, maybe I appeared confident and disinterested somehow (although I wasn't totally) and I hope she perceives me as a scary woman and stays away from me. Then it will be good. I don't know really.  

And yes, in everything else, I have been trying to practice radical acceptance (very clumsily I suppose) but this acceptance has relaxed both of us in certain ways I think - though he is now back to idealizing and mirroring me while working on replacements.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: unicorn2014 on November 17, 2017, 07:00:59 PM
I appreciate this post.
Im struggling to deal with the reality of going from preparing to file a restraining order against him to him going no contact on me as if I was the problem. I had been asking him for space for days, asking him to chill out, to no avail, then I catch him in a cryptic post on Facebook about me , I call him out on it, and he ends up blocking me and leaving town.
Of course I'm angry.
Of course I want to have the last word.
He ended up making me look like the perpetrator when it was him all along.
I've never met a single one of his friends, but my friends know what's up.
My question is if he has all those friends why does he need me too? Why does he need to sow his seeds on Facebook . Is it to convert our mutual friends to his side?
He won, he got to accomplish what I'd been trying to accomplish for years.
Its simply unfair.


Title: Re: POLL: Have you been in contact recently?
Post by: Sadly on November 18, 2017, 08:43:18 AM
I posted other. Not for months, although he has tried hard and often, but my pain and unhappiness do not leave me. I still love a mentally impaired human being, I can't stop. I miss so much, about as much as I don't miss. I am lonely and unhappy beyond measure and I don't know what to do about. Time does not seem to make any difference, I am still very lost.