|
Title: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 30, 2009, 08:09:07 PM anyone have a BPD ex girlfriend come back to them after they made it seem like the relationship was done forever and there dating another man? my BPD girlfriend broke up with me and is dating another man. i dont think shes really into the guy but just using him to get me jealous. shes had feelings for me for about a year and a half and i was her first for everything and weve been very close. she broke up with me out of nowhere, when the day before she was saying she was 100% happy with our relationship and that she wanted me to date her for years to come. anyone ever have a BPD ex girlfriend who broke up with them suddenly for no reason and moved on to another man but came back to them? how long does it usually take?
oh yea i havent been contacting her at all since she broke up with me, no texting, deleted her myspace and facebook, no phone calls... .because everytime i talked to her she would get very angry at me and say hurtful things so i was recommended by her friends to give her space. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on October 30, 2009, 08:49:36 PM Your story smacks of mine. My girl and I have been broken up since the beginning of this month, and we've had absolutely NC since Monday night. She is supposedly seeing another guy (although he lives out of state, and she's never met him in person!).
Anyway, we did kind of split up once before. Things were a bit rough and so one night I sent her a text saying I thought we should have lunch the next day to discuss some things. She never texted me back, but the next morning I get an e-mail she had sent 15 minutes after my text. Basically she said she didn't think things were going to work out, that it would be best if we quit while we were ahead, she was sorry she had to do it via e-mail, etc. I responded by sending her an e-mail saying I thought things could work out if we just were more sensitive of one another's feelings and communicated better. We talked on the phone. For a few days I didn't know where I stood with her because she was still taking my calls, even though she seemed aggravated by me, but eventually she sent me a text saying she would be busy Thursday and Friday but would be available Saturday. (It's amazing how they can swing from being split up with you to being back together like nothing happened.) So yes, in my (limited) experience and from what I've read, they seem to come crawling back in general. Of course that doesn't mean yours (or mine) will. I'm praying for both of us. x P.S. I have been contacting her since we broke up more than she was comfortable with, and I was causing her stress. Monday she basically told me to leave her alone completely. May not sound harsh, but coming from her that was brutal. So I'm just gonna hold off, and hope for the best. I think it's important to strike at the right time, so to speak. You want to give them just enough time where they miss you before you contact them (if they don't do it first). Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 30, 2009, 10:54:06 PM well she is either compleley into this new guy, or shes trying to make me jelous... .im not sure which. is this common for a person with BPD to do this? im so confused. she went from saying 3 weeks ago this kid was ugly and im better in every way and hes just a fallback guy for if i broke up with her. but shes acting strangley happy that shes dating him and making it totally obvious which she never did while dating me after 6 months. shes been with him for about a week so far. i dont know much about BPD but do they tend to do things like this? if shes actully into this new guy im just gonna force myself to move on.
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 03:16:32 AM Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad!
I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm. Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... .she said NO way... .dont put this on me... .YOU DO IT... .i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up... i want us to work on the relationship. She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!" Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons. Did she mean it Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted Was it a test to see if i would leave her Saying things like,I love you... i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater... .push him away? AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back,i mean if she wasnt she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right... .and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know. But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want. I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing. This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her... .etc etc you get the picture. But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy... .engulfing even. It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... .real sad. So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... .working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us. Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me. If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street. I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me. Keep in touch Hope Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 05:14:17 AM Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad! I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm. Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... .she said NO way... .dont put this on me... .YOU DO IT... .i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up... i want us to work on the relationship. She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!" Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons. Did she mean it Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted Was it a test to see if i would leave her Saying things like,I love you... i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater... .push him away? AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back, i read on this board that silent treatment is a form of abuse... .is it? i mean if she wasnt coming back she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right... .and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know. But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want. I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing. This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her... .etc etc you get the picture. But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy... .engulfing even. It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... .real sad. So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... .working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us. Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me. If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street. WALK A MILE IN THIER SHOES! My girl tells me to "sit in my pain... thats were the growth is" i have and am sitting in pain and i am growing, just hope i get the opertunity to show her, she's growing too. I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me. Keep in touch Hope Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 11:00:29 AM I want to send her some flowers,i already said sorry 3 weeks ago for not being compassionate enough around my divorce going to slow, dont know what it would acheive?
arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure... .or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ? Fu8k this bs Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 31, 2009, 12:34:11 PM ahhhh whatever fu*k this. im starting to actully belive she likes this new guy better then me. its only a matter of time before she completley forgets about me. im just gonna move on. its probally for the best. it hurts like sht, i really loved this girl but if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: DragoN on October 31, 2009, 12:37:37 PM Excerpt if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me . You'd be right. Take care of yourself. x Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on October 31, 2009, 12:54:42 PM arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure... .or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ? Yes, it's truly a battle of brain vs. heart. Like the Modest Mouse song, heart cooks brain. If it's truly been 3 full weeks without ANY contact whatsoever, no texts, emails, calls, in-person sightings, etc... .then *I* might be the type to consider just sending her a text or something asking what she's been up to. I wouldn't do the flowers though man, that might seem a bit excessive. Remember these girls are BPD. In any other instance, flowers would be a great gesture, but not with ours. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: JoannaK on October 31, 2009, 03:45:09 PM It is common for someone with BPD to try to reconnect on some level at some time. It is not common for someone with NPD to reconnect... they tend to move on. Many of the people discussed here are more NPD than BPD.
But, even if the person tries to reconnect, unless that person is in long-term appropriate therapy, things will go as before... BPD is a mental illness, an illness that impedes intimacy and emotional stability. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 31, 2009, 04:15:17 PM well as of now, shes trying to show me that shes dating this new guy. shes just being so obvious about it. i mean, if you really liked someone else, would you still be trying to make your ex jealous with them when your the one that broke up with them? it dosent make sense. i seriosly cant tell if this is the BPD thats making her act like this or she just really dosent like me at all anymore. oh and i forgot to mention, a family relative of hers died right before she started acting this way all the sudden. is it true that if that happens, it can cause them to break down and start acting out like this and do very impulsive things?
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on October 31, 2009, 04:56:27 PM A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."
As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 05:53:56 PM I've seen and talked to her once 2 texts and I sent her 2 emails, showing off a bf in front of you is disgusting behavior, she's using you both to make you both jealous.
Can't believe a BPDs staying away from me cos I'm the broken? How bad do I feel , how useless, sht, crap, unwanted and unlovable do I feel? I'm no angel, but I'm faithfull, supportive, loving and have a big heart, shame the person I chose to give it too does want it. I might as well be dead. I know she's damaged but I'm not scared of BPD and will never stop trying to be in a position that I can help the best I can. I feel sadness , fear and anger. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 31, 2009, 06:06:58 PM A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check." As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama. so do you think my best bet would be to just keep doing what im doing? avoiding ANY contact with her? i deleted her on facebook, myspace, aim, her number. everything. should i just wait this out? i dont think this new guys shes with will be able to handle all the stuff she put me through. i bet itll last like 2 months tops. and shes already unstable as it is because of the family relative dieing. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on October 31, 2009, 06:57:19 PM A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check." As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama. so do you think my best bet would be to just keep doing what im doing? avoiding ANY contact with her? i deleted her on facebook, myspace, aim, her number. everything. should i just wait this out? i dont think this new guys shes with will be able to handle all the stuff she put me through. i bet itll last like 2 months tops. and shes already unstable as it is because of the family relative dieing. Well the first thing you need to do is make damned sure you really like this girl enough to accept her as she is, including her disorder, especially if she is resistant to getting help. (Personally if my girlfriend wasn't actively seeking therapy on her own, I'd have already moved on.) When my girlfriend broke up with me earlier this month, I did what I did the last time we split. Talked to her, sent her an e-mail or two telling her how I felt, etc. After she didn't take the bait this time, and after dealing with constant re-engaging (she'd text me and write on my Facebook, etc.) I decided it would be best to quit her cold turkey, so I deleted her from my phone and off of my Facebook. A few days later she started texting me again, and I was re-engaged back. So to be honest, I don't know what the best bet would be. Still wondering that myself in my situation. You want her to know that you are still interested in her, but DO NOT come off as clingy/needy/desperate. That's the one thing I know for sure. Hope, my heart aches for us both! It's like you wish you could just shake them and get them to things how we see it, but unfortunately the illness prevents them from seeing things our way most of the time. Keep exercising and concentrated on yourself and your life... .you definitely might as well NOT be dead! Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 31, 2009, 07:05:35 PM its just, i dont know... .i always looked at it that when a girl is dating someone else its impossible to get them back. im hoping that with BPD they can easily drop the new guy and go back to the one that they truly still have feelings for. im hoping once she calms down alittle from the whole relitive dieing thing, she will realize what she did and call me apologizing. im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do.
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 11:25:14 PM I've seen and talked to her once 2 texts and I sent her 2 emails, showing off a bf in front of you is disgusting behavior, she's using you both to make you both jealous. Can't believe a BPDs staying away from me cos I'm the broken? How bad do I feel , how useless, sht, crap, unwanted and unlovable do I feel? I'm no angel, but I'm faithfull, supportive, loving and have a big heart, shame the person I chose to give it too can not except it. I might as well be dead. I know she's damaged but I'm not scared of BPD and will never stop trying to be in a position that I can help the best I can. I feel sadness , fear and anger. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on October 31, 2009, 11:29:46 PM im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do. no dont react, but i think if she still want her, deleting her off facebook etc was a little hasty and immature. After all why make it difficult for her to contact you, try to keep the lines of communication open but keep your distance. Good luck, you have feelings for her i know, i know how tough it is. x Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: DragoN on October 31, 2009, 11:33:51 PM Guys... .for the love of all that is Holy... .whether these girls are BPD or not... .please explain to me why: You choose to make someone a priority in your love life, where they are only looking at you as an OPTION?.
Tell me That... .explain it in simple terms for me... .I am really trying to understand you here. Unknown... .you are right. it hurts like sht, i really loved this girl but if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me . Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on October 31, 2009, 11:38:45 PM im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do. no dont react, but i think if she still want her, deleting her off facebook etc was a little hasty and immature. After all why make it difficult for her to contact you, try to keep the lines of communication open but keep your distance. Good luck, you have feelings for her i know, i know how tough it is. x i deleted her on facebook and myspace because on there she was doing things to make me jealous, and everyday i would look at it and it would make me feel compleltey misrable and it was slowing down the process of me recovering from her breaking up with me. and everytime i would talk to another girl, she would look at my stuff and try to get revenge on me by doing something very hurtful, like deleting all the photos of us together and stuff. i deff made the right choice by delting her facebook. if she really needs to contact me, she still has my number and if she dosent, some of her friends have it and she could ask them for it. i feel like shes going to forget about me though, like this new kid is gonna make all new memories with her and she wont care about anything ive been through with her. i really hope not... .from what ive heard, the usual time frame for them to come back is usually 2 weeks to 2 months. so far, her dating this new kid has been going on for 2 weeks and she hasnt contacted me since. shes been broken up with me for about a month so far already though. but her anger toward me and this relationship with this new guy started when the person in her family died Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: DragoN on October 31, 2009, 11:44:22 PM Excerpt i deff made the right choice by delting her facebook. if she really needs to contact me, she still has my number and if she dosent, some of her friends have it and she could ask them for It's best to cut off all avenues of knowing what the other is up to... .to focus on yourself. Torturing yourself with checking up on them only makes it SO much harder for you. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 01, 2009, 11:14:16 AM ugh. top. i want to see if anyone else sucessfully got back with there girlfriend after something like this happening... .
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: an0ught on November 01, 2009, 11:33:40 AM Lot's of people here have repaired their BPD relationships. It is what we do all the time... .
With a BPD a relationship is a very serious commitment. She is not the person you so far believe she is. She may still be a wonderful person you can love for the rest of your life but the extreme attraction you feel is one of her strengths and shortcomings that play a huge role in the BPD dynamics. You will not see that for much longer and looking back you will be certainly thinking about that as a mixed blessing. So, please think this through and read all the stories. It will never be a smooth ride with her. In case you want to move on - non contact is the only safe option. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: TamiT on November 01, 2009, 11:45:05 AM My BPDbf used to do that kind of crap to me. He always came back but then he'd just do it again. I finally left him for years. When we got back together years down the road he didn't do that anymore. Now he just does other stuff. If you've only got 6 months invested in this, my advice is to RUN.
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 01, 2009, 12:13:50 PM well i am pretty dedicated to helping her through her problems as much as possible. just wondering, but is it possible for someone with BPD to hide there problems for a period of time? with this new guy shes with, im pretty sure shes being on her best behavior and being the ideal girlfriend to him just to get me ticked off. but she cant keep that up forever so im wondering how long they can usually pull something like that off for?
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on November 01, 2009, 12:51:57 PM well i am pretty dedicated to helping her through her problems as much as possible. just wondering, but is it possible for someone with BPD to hide there problems for a period of time? with this new guy shes with, im pretty sure shes being on her best behavior and being the ideal girlfriend to him just to get me ticked off. but she cant keep that up forever so im wondering how long they can usually pull something like that off for? Yes, my girlfriend was completely asymptomatic for the first month... .then little by little she started showing symptoms as we got closer. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Scott3764 on November 01, 2009, 01:20:02 PM They do come back.
Mine dropped me after six months of dating, met a guy online, got engaged in two weeks, married in 60 more days and it lasted almost a year. She called, stated she made a mistake and was too focused on marriage. She was 30 with two children out of wedlock. Well, it went smooth for a year and a half and she met a guy, dropped me, engaged in three weeks, married in another 60 days. Both men were post divorce, post bankruptcy less than one year and and owned nothing but the clothes on their back. They move into her house and go by her rules(for awhile). The first husband left after he couldn't deal with her anger anymore and she refused to go to marriage counseling after three visits because she was being too focused on! And I thought I was the one who made her angry! These people seem to need to exert control over others and that's where we struggled. I did not need her to financially provide for me. I had my own house, etc. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 01, 2009, 01:58:27 PM They do come back. Mine dropped me after six months of dating, met a guy online, got engaged in two weeks, married in 60 more days and it lasted almost a year. She called, stated she made a mistake and was too focused on marriage. She was 30 with two children out of wedlock. Well, it went smooth for a year and a half and she met a guy, dropped me, engaged in three weeks, married in another 60 days. Both men were post divorce, post bankruptcy less than one year and and owned nothing but the clothes on their back. They move into her house and go by her rules(for awhile). The first husband left after he couldn't deal with her anger anymore and she refused to go to marriage counseling after three visits because she was being too focused on! And I thought I was the one who made her angry! These people seem to need to exert control over others and that's where we struggled. I did not need her to financially provide for me. I had my own house, etc. wow thats so messed up. well my girlfriend is only 17 so i dont think shell be marrying anyone soon. so hopefully she will come back at some point, hopefully not TOO long from now. still havnt heard anything from her and its been about 2 weeks Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 01, 2009, 06:55:46 PM update. help me. she just texted me for the first time in 2 weeks because im friends with 1 of her friends on facebook. ive already been friends with like 5 other ones but i just randomly added another one that i run into ocasionaly. she texted me saying to delete her right now. i was affraid to answer because she sounds very angry so i didnt answer. then she texted again saying are you gonna answer? then she tried calling but i didnt pick up. she sounds more angry then shes been. then she texted me again saying ok your gonna ignore me? dont fu*king talk to my friends you fu*kin peice of ___. ?
sorry, but really... .how can someone break up with somebody, and go into a relationship with a new kid and say your engaged to him and still try to controll your ex and tell him who he cant add or be friends with on facebook? do i reply to her texts? what should i say to not get her any angrier? help! Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on November 02, 2009, 02:32:49 AM If I were you I'd make yourself a boundary in this situation: the people you add on Facebook and talk to is your business and your business alone. She seems to fear that you're gonna talk bad about her behind her back, so I would validate that by telling her you understand maybe that's what she's afraid of... .then assure her that's not something you intend to do.
You really don't deserve to be talked to like that. No one does. She needs to understand that. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 02, 2009, 06:06:34 PM in the state shes in right now, ANYTHING i would say... .anything at all would make her angrier. it was a lose lose situation. ive talked to her nicley when she was like that before and all she did was throw it back in my face cusring me off and sayin the meanest things you can think of. at least if i dont answer when she talks to me that way she has nothing to use against me cus i just saved myself a giant argument.
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 02, 2009, 06:07:51 PM A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check." how long does it usually stay like that for? im really hoping she'll snap out of it one day and realize how messed up shes treating me and apologize and i can at least have a normal conversation with her again. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on November 02, 2009, 06:52:06 PM A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check." how long does it usually stay like that for? im really hoping she'll snap out of it one day and realize how messed up shes treating me and apologize and i can at least have a normal conversation with her again. Every person is different, I couldn't say. I will say that she may very well know sometimes how bad she treats you. Borderlines can sometimes be aware of their behaviors after the fact and that's when they get very guilty and feel really bad about themselves for treating loved ones like that; that doesn't mean they come running back to you to apologize... .they're sick remember. My girl started showing symptoms just about the time I witnessed her and her sister have a very emotional argument, so I guess that was the traumatic event in my situation. It was about 3 or 4 weeks into the relationship. My girl was balling; the sister is a complete lunatic that was just breaking her down to shreds because, well, she's a heartless lunatic. The fact she did it in front of me the first time me and her had ever met just shows you how screwed up her sister is. My girl never went full on painting me black until last month. Up until then it was just little things, distancing then clingy and back and forth... .and they tended to last only a few days. This recent splitting to black has lasted a month now with no signs of improvement. The only thing I have going for me is the fact she's going to therapy. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 02, 2009, 07:20:21 PM she usualyl would call me crying llike 3 days later if she said something horrible to me. this is lasting weeks and shes acting more disrespectful then ever. she never even gave a reasonable explination on why shes so angry at me. a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you. and then i said ok. and she was like "thats all you have to say?" and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht. i think the only time she will ever tlak to me nice again is if this new guy shes with dumps her which will probally happen not too long from now if i continue to show no jealosy whatsoever that shes with him.
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on November 02, 2009, 10:56:57 PM a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you. and then i said ok. and she was like "thats all you have to say?" and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht. If all you said was "ok" then I can see how that might have triggered abandonment issues with her. She was probably coming to you for support, and just saying "ok" isn't really support but just acknowledgment. Maybe ask her if she wants to talk about the death of her relative, explain it's always good to vent frustration and grief. Basically be there for her and talk with her about it. I could be completely wrong though, so take my advice with a grain of salt. :) Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on November 03, 2009, 04:47:08 AM Oh this is hard, ;p
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on November 03, 2009, 04:49:05 AM she usualyl would call me crying llike 3 days later if she said something horrible to me. this is lasting weeks and shes acting more disrespectful then ever. she never even gave a reasonable explination on why shes so angry at me. a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you. and then i said ok. and she was like "thats all you have to say?" and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht. i think the only time she will ever tlak to me nice again is if this new guy shes with dumps her which will probally happen not too long from now if i continue to show no jealosy whatsoever that shes with him. So she's calling and talking to you even though she's with someone else? Jesus brother that must be tough Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: unknown on November 03, 2009, 05:38:56 PM i know right? its so weird. that new kid is getting used so bad i dont even understand how he dosent see it. if i had a girlfriend who was angry at her ex for not adding her on myspace or facebook and she kept calling him i would be pretty pissed off. and theres no use at all in trying to talk to her to calm her down. ive done all i could i talked to her in the nicest way possible and even though she said the most horrible things to me i kept a calm attitude the whole time and just sent texts saying i know your angry and going through a rough time but i still love you and if you ever need to talk im here for you. and shed say something along the lines of, NO! BULLSH*T! SHUT THE FU*K UP. ugh
Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: snakey on November 03, 2009, 07:05:39 PM Well if she's with someone else then just back away and let them get on with it
Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault. That said, my exdBPDgf tracked me down again after 13yrs so you never know anyway. Word of advice though, live a good life cos I've been crucified for anything from the past that she considered foolish (there was a lot I admit but over a decade ago for chrissakes) and nobody knows how to use ammunition like a bp. I don't know, it's real painful seeing her with this other guy I know but if you want more than friendship with her try pulling the plug for a while. Good luck geez Know that there are a lot of people on here in the same situation as you. Take care x (I tried to do write this 8hrs ago but my internet went down) Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hope in Bondi Beach on November 04, 2009, 06:13:05 AM Good talking on the phone today snakey, we all got to hang in there, things will get better.
get to that meeting i was talking about, tell me how it goes, then you get to send that text. how good would she feel, and maybe feel safe too, bps need to feel safe big time. Do it geezer! whats on offer is a life beyond your wildest dreams |iiii Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: an0ught on November 04, 2009, 03:01:29 PM Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault. Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: Hop Head on November 04, 2009, 03:59:24 PM Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault. Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy. I absolutely agree with this. In my experience and research, what we see as conscious manipulation is simply them trying to find comfort/happiness/tranquility. Don't personalize the disorder and its symptoms by assuming they are consciously trying to control you; they're just trying to control their bad feelings. How that manifests is purely incidental. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: snakey on November 05, 2009, 08:27:16 AM Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault. Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy. I absolutely agree with this. In my experience and research, what we see as conscious manipulation is simply them trying to find comfort/happiness/tranquility. Don't personalize the disorder and its symptoms by assuming they are consciously trying to control you; they're just trying to control their bad feelings. How that manifests is purely incidental. Ok, I get what you're saying. It does feel like a massive exercise in control most of the time, being kicked out the house at 2am with nowhere to go, being made to feel guilty about non-existent stuff that hasn't happened and finally being informed that if I stay in the same city then she will be forced to move out of it and lose all her friends. Now you're telling me that isn't control (among many other things) OR you're telling me that I should understand that this is a defence mechanism and what? How do you deal with it when the proverbial is hitting the fan and it's 2 in the morning? Not my city, no emergency support closer than 200 miles and no vehicle. I guess I really have been going about this the wrong way! Please don't get me wrong, I do take on everything you have said and they're very valid and useful points and mostly at the moment I'm furious with myself for not being able to think in those terms before. Thanks. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: 2fastforU on September 27, 2013, 04:31:46 PM they do come back: they are EASY TO GET BACK! they are easily convinced! jusssssst wait. there relationships dont last because they are asss, think of why it didnt last with you. they dont even admit they have issues. lol after 9 months I GOT HER BACK-then i was like what the heck, now i remember why i broke up with her. Your mind is playing tricks on you because 1. you probably don't have many other options, or she is your best choice as of now. orrrr 2. THEY ARE ABUSIVE. NPD BPD-they shout insults, yell at you storm away in anger. The shouting can be misunderstood to a person as conviction, since most normal people dont yell unless its important. They Dont have any remorse- The more research I do on this the more I think I have some kinda issue for putting up with it and wanting her back. It hurts but let the next guy have her-he will find out, there not any different with the next guy
3. my mind is painting her as a supermodel saint- idk why, i think its mostly her looks- somehow the brain will let them get away with bloody murder if shes pretty-usually they are. BUT if you have no other options the brain is in a panic at being alone. be careful- this is where it plays tricks on you- Im not being a dick- im in the same boat. I want my x back so bad-shes hot, fun to be around... .but a train wreck. I ended up in therapy and on these forums. It took a therapist to tell me it wasnt me and took out the old psychology book, ahh there it is HISTRIONIC, NPD she says... . dude Run! or wait 6 months then dangle a string in front of them and watch how fast they come back. Dont do it right away- I sent her a card and had lunch, a month later she said lets date! they have some Disney land fantasy about love-the honeymoon phase is congruent with this and will most likely lock you out for a bit, but it will fall apart. recognize what type of person they are and how to deal with them. Theres lots of ebooks and posts on how to deal with these people-if you let them they will crush you. if your game is solid you could pull it off- but with these people your game has to be bulletproof. Lets face it if they are wolves then they chewed us up and spit us out. But I research learned and adapted and now im stronger smarter and more well prepared. If other hot women with hi drama hpd NPD come near me, im well prepared from this experience. Adaptation is the name of the game. Title: Re: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long? Post by: 34broken on November 12, 2013, 11:35:22 PM I love this line : "they have some Disney land fantasy about love" Boy, do they ever.
|