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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: infamous on March 05, 2010, 05:51:20 AM



Title: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: infamous on March 05, 2010, 05:51:20 AM


do they ever admit to cheating ?

if they did why dont they just admit it


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: 2010 on March 05, 2010, 06:00:46 AM
Think of it this way. It's a compulsion, not a one time "mistake."

When people are empty inside, they use others to feel better. They are like empty buckets that need filling up. The only problem is that there are holes in their bucket. Whatever they use to fill up the bucket doesn't stay with them because it's not the love contents- it's the container.

To ask why they cheat or to get them to admit to it isnt as important as finding out why they thought the cheating would make them feel better. Half the battle is in getting them to understand the compulsion that doesn't solve or provide a solution to their pain.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: infamous on March 05, 2010, 06:10:58 AM
but do they not admit it because if they do you are lost to them forever ?


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: JoannaK on March 05, 2010, 07:16:51 AM
infamous, it is terribly painful when we suspect our s.o.'s of cheating... .  It's a horrible thing to do to any relationship.

As to why they do't admit it... .  there are as many reasons why they won't say "I did it." as there are reasons that people cheat.  Most people won't admit that they cheated, and that's true of people without BPD.  They fear their partner's anger; they fear violence; they don't want the relationship to end.  Maybe it's "just" a flirtation and there wasn't any physical cheating. 

But admitting vs. not admitting... .I don't think that has anything to do with BPD.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: VanessaG on March 05, 2010, 07:30:11 AM
I always thought there was another factor for my BPDex.  I think if he admitted he was cheating it would mean he was admitting he was doing something "bad" and that he was therefore also "bad."

Everything is so black and white for them that I think it's a huge leap to admit wrong-doing.

Just my thoughts on it.

VanessaG


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: xtrmlyhurt on March 05, 2010, 07:45:19 AM
Mine admitted to me that she cheated.  She was advised by her family no to tell me, but she said that she had to if we were ever going to make a go of our relationship again.  All it did was rip me apart.  She could care less about me.  It's all about her feelings.  I wish I never knew.  It has been killing me.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: hurtingnbp on March 05, 2010, 09:09:39 AM
mine admitted it but in a roundabout way.

She denied that she was "involved" with anyone else before it happened(the plan to cheat was set in motion) and then denied it for a short time afterwards. But would leave little hints all the time. Suddenly started taking birth control pills and have me pick up her "prescriptions" for her. The way I eventually found out was through a conversation she had on skype that she left open for me to read. After I read it she never denied the affair- other than to refer to it as an "encounter" vs affair- for whatever thats worth. Her specialty was leaving things out in the open for me to read or "discover." I never understood this behavior. It was some crazy way for her to communicate with me but then go crazy on me for snooping.



Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: JimInSLC on March 05, 2010, 11:04:45 AM
Mine liked to "throw it at me" during those brief periods of tedium where I was painted black... .(ok, so most of the time that we were married).  When she "raged," one of her favorite things to do was to "gloat" about her self-destructive behavior, knowing how it made me feel.  Painting me black wasn't bad enough, she tried to tie her choices to my actions.  She cheated because of XYZ I DID.  She used drugs because of PDQ.  If I had done better at ABC, she wouldn't have had sex with so-and-so while I was out of town.

After her "final rage" (see my very first thread in 2007 where she attempted suicide), and the subsequent boundary setting by JR (go me!), she did it just to lash out after "failed re-engagement attempts."  It was almost like a yo-yo.  I love you, can't live without you, blah, blah, etc... .followed by "you were going to leave me anyway," "you never loved me," "BTW, I slept with every male neighbor we ever had... ." etc.

I would suspect that the number of BPDs who haven't cheated at all is pretty low, but then, I am basing that on my own experiences.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: joe bfxlk on March 05, 2010, 03:10:17 PM
This is a fascinating set of postings.  I agree that the first cut must be, "Why do people in general cheat?"  And some good general suggestions are here.  It seems to me that the thought especially pertinent to BPD's is the desire to actually flaunt the infidelity and to consciously use it as a hurt toward a faithful partner.  Further,  I would say the BPD is more likely than most to shift blame for the affair onto the partner, as part of the generalized tendency toward non-accountability.

Finally, I'd suggest that there is the role that the necessary secondary untruthfullness plays.  The BPD seems oblivious to the meaning and social consequences of truth itself.  After all, for him or her, the only truth is her truth, or worse yet, his truth at that particular moment.  This is closely tied to nonexistence of the personhood of the partner they are associated with, which also leads to the gaslight effect.  It is OK to lie to the partner, because the partner does not have the constancy of personhood that necessitates enough respect to require truthfullness. This is a self-reinforcing feedback system, too.  Lying increases as the partner seems increasingly deserving of less and less respect.  After a while, the lying simply becomes habitual.  The partner is even seen as deserving the deceit! Redirecting Mark Twain:  It isn't that they lie, it's just that there are so many reasons that prevent them from getting together with the truth at the same time and place.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: atwittsend on March 05, 2010, 03:16:29 PM
but do they not admit it because if they do you are lost to them forever ?

mine went both ways... .she would do it and lie about it.  or do it and admit it to test my boundaries. 


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: Backtome09 on March 05, 2010, 03:53:23 PM
When he did he would very soon back track and gaslight until he was in good graces again. They can't stand being wrong.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: Machine on May 19, 2010, 08:07:54 AM
I got one admition by accedent. I had always thought my wife had been doing a friend of mine during a brief seperation, and asked her several times. She is not a good lier, so I didn't fully believe her. One day, just kidding around I said "I just got off the phone with Tom and he said you guys were doing it every night for like 2 months." She instantly said "It was not every night!" and she was busted. I think she has cheated with other guys, but the problem is she will lie just as "hard" perhaps for some kidding around flirting she thinks I might be upset with, as she would if she did an entire football team. So I know she has been deceptive about some things, but not the extent of the "things". I would rather know the truth, then wonder. She will answer a question that gives me two more. The thing is I do not want to find out something bad about her, I want the answers to stop giving me questions.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: BPDUSoCrazy on May 19, 2010, 09:18:09 AM
The partner is even seen as deserving the deceit!

this is why my ex never came clean, and i had to find out elsewhere. she said she didn't want to tell me because she knew i would "freak out" on her and yell and scream... .though i never gave her any indication of that. later it she justified it by saying, "well i thought we were getting a divorce" so automatically, ya know, that makes it ok. and for the record, she said "i think i want a divorce" and the next day was apologizing to me for saying that. guessing that's when the "indescretion" occurred. craziness. but yea, not only to her was it justified, but her lying was also justified.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: DAS on May 19, 2010, 09:34:55 AM
Never married but upon my discovery of pictures of a guy sleeping in my bed and more of him naked from the waist up (taken from between his legs) I kicked her out.

She never denied it. Instead she accused me of snooping through her stuff (which got her a "FVck You" as I walked away).

Mine once admitted to a mutual friend in my presence that she had cheated on every guy she's been with. She told me about making out with a guy at a work Christmas party while she was in a 2 year relationship with the guy before me.

So they admit it... .Maybe just not to the one they've cheated on.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: BehindTheScenes on May 19, 2010, 09:44:16 AM
Outside observation from my partner showing me things his uxBPDgf has written him it is interesting that her admission of cheating changed depending on her mood. When she wanted to prove that other men desired her, she would gloat about cheating (and that she had cheated in every relationship she'd ever had). When she wanted to look better, she re-wrote the story and said that it wasn't really all that physical and was more "emotional" cheating because he didn't meet her needs. When she was asked nicely (and then required by law) to take a paternity test, she swore that she had never ever cheated. She had also written that he could test the paternity and would see the child wasn't his. 

I guess the paper trail doesn't exist either. :-)

Her reality changes dramatically depending on how she is feeling about all types of issues. The giant inconsistencies are really easy to spot when the communications are no longer in person.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: thisblonde on May 19, 2010, 09:45:41 AM
Mine admitted it prob. 4-5 months after it happened, but claimed we weren't "exclusive" then, it was very early in our r/s (yes, we were- or so I thought when someone says "I only want to date you" but then that brought up another debate... .It was a one night stand, so he didn't date her... .and he only did it because I cancelled my date with him for that Friday night.  Another lie.  He waited until Friday morning to ask me out and I already had plans.  Just enough rejection to a BP to entitle them to do whatever it takes to fill their empty, hole ridden bucket.   He also finally admitted that he cheated in other r/s... .the most original excuse I heard from that was that his ex-wife set him up, picked out a blonde friend to approach him- knowing he had a thing for them, and had her seduce him... .She laid the trap.  Never took responsibility for falling for it!   Of course he never took responsibility for any cheating, lying, or scheming.  It was all somebody else's fault... .it was never his, he's only a victim.  Poor thing.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: NIO on May 27, 2010, 05:53:41 AM
Mine told me 7 months later, on Valantine`s day. Nice.

And the reason... .because she thought that if she told me, and i stayed it would prove how much i loved her !

Did she feel empathy after she told me ?  she laid on the couch, smoked a joint (something else that was "new"  and laughed at stuff on the tv.

just to be sure i hadn`t been hurting enough she then went out 2 nights later and did it again. Again, no responsibility for her actions , she was "afraid" to come home, this despite the fact i had never been violent towards her.

Like the sap i had become i forgave her.


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: lets on May 27, 2010, 11:38:56 PM
Mine didn't admit it, answered "I don't know" and refused to discuss it any further.  Once he found out that I had told a few people he ended our relationship in a one line email saying it was over because I told a few people and was dragging his name through the mud.  (like it was my fault) 

Haven't heard from him in two days- confusing and wow it hurts!


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: Beast98 on May 28, 2010, 12:54:08 AM
Mine cheated through most of our time together and denied it profusely. She later admitted it months/years after the fact, with a gazillion justifications. Most centered around our relationship never being anything 'real'. Hmmm, she immigrated to this country to be with me, lived with me, brought her son to live with me... .Nope, no reality there. 

Speak for yourself hit_. (Bitter? Moi?)   


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: T2H on May 28, 2010, 01:34:23 AM


In my experience/opinion, they won't admit anything bad unless they're caught red-handed / undeniable proof, or they have something to gain by doing so.  Actually the latter covers both - because they'd just look crazy denying something so obvious - so they admit it to "gain credibility."  Whatever their reason (and it is *their* reasoning), it's usually something short-sighted they do to ease the pain and then do anything and everything to cover it up after the fact (again, unless revealing it would gain something like pity, for the waif).

Then again some don't care.  ie. those that come with a side of N



Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: DAS on May 28, 2010, 09:22:45 AM
Mine didn't admit it, answered "I don't know" and refused to discuss it any further.  Once he found out that I had told a few people he ended our relationship in a one line email saying it was over because I told a few people and was dragging his name through the mud.  (like it was my fault) 

Haven't heard from him in two days- confusing and wow it hurts!

Ya. The weekend after I kicked my exgf out, I had a change of heart and said we could still be friends. Her response was no and included the gem of the line "bad mouthing me to mutual friends". I had told all of 2 people at that point and my description of what happened was accurate : I found pictures of another guy sleeping in my bed and more of him waist up naked that seem to have been taken from between his legs    And that this was unacceptable to me. I let her spin whatever tale she wanted to the rest of our mutual friends.

     


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: lets on May 28, 2010, 09:28:24 AM
i guess as hard as it is there is freedom in taking the high road! x


Title: Re: do they ever admit to cheating ?
Post by: DAS on May 28, 2010, 10:22:34 AM
i guess as hard as it is there is freedom in taking the high road! x

The only way out is up, ya... .  x