BPDFamily.com

I am NC with my exBPDgf... .but recently she divorced her husband of 10 years... .left him and rented an apartment with her two young kids... .she has no skills, other than being beautiful... .no income right now other than some money she gets for children from her ex... .now she expects me to support her financially till she can get on her two feet... .the other day she emailed me that its my duty to support her because the main reason she divorced her husband was because she always loved me... .so not true... .i feel like arguing with her... .but i wont as i donot want to break NC... .and i know that it is true that she does not have any support... .and with kids its going to be rough... .

i do want to help her... .one reason is that i love her... .i love her, just not her mental chaos... .i have enough that i can support her... .but each time i do that... .it breaks my NC... .

what do u think?

Unless you fathered those children, you are not responsible for supporting her.  The sad thing is, the children are probably the biggest victims in this whole mess, but no one is responsible for raising another person unless they are children... .

Try not to let your feelings of "love" for her, which I do not doubt, cloud your "logic" side which is enforcing your NC... .


I was going through a lot of "how to get over a break-up" videos on Youtube after my ex dumped me.  One of the most inspirational one wasn't about the author trying to comfort you, but rather shaking a reality into you:

"What she does is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."

With that one phrase, I finally had the courage to go NC and stick with NC.  I hope you will stick with yours too... .

:)

You are an extremely kind soul.  However you must not, I repeat, must not financially support her or contact her in any way shape or form.  The children are not there for you to help they are for her and her ex husband to deal with... .not you.  Run as far away from her as possible and take stock of your life and move on.  Yes you may `love` her but she is in the past now not part of your present.  Keep strong. |iiii

"now she expects me to support her financially till she can get on her two feet... .the other day she emailed me that its my duty to support her because the main reason she divorced her husband was because she always loved me... .so not true"

Remember the best way to help people like her is let her take responsibility for her own actions, Stick to NC friend.

By the way she isn't asking you for help she is really emailing you decrypted message that really goes some thing like this.


"I am impulsive & because of my inability to think things through I made a horrible choice landing me in a jam, which is why I am emailing you to guilt you by manipulative you in to believing this was an act of "Love." Now I am attempting to transfer my responsibility as a mother or a grown woman on to you, so I require that you provide some kind of cash flow to keep me happy till the new guy arrives and I need you no longer.

PS: will  paint you black to the new person or every one else while you help me, good luck getting any real gratitude from me."

You know, I think I actually used to 'buy his calm', what I mean by this is by giving him money for things that he wanted and buying him things I would delay the rage. If he didn't get what he wanted he would rage, so by giving him money and buying him things it settled that situation for a while... .Geez... . It's like buying love really, giving the BPD everything he wanted just to keep the calm. What was I doing?

Stick to NC I bet that she is hitting up her other Ex for more money... .and if she gets it I doubt she will make you aware of that fact... .if you were never married and have no kids with her... .you have no obligations... .and if she needs help she is an adult, she can get a job... or attempt to get some type of public assistance... .just stay NC... .in my case I am obligated by divorce and property settlements to give mine a small monthly amount of money for the next 10 months (my final hearing is less than two weeks away... I cant wait)... .after that I will give her nothing... .to honor the courts and to stay NC... .I mail her a  check and treat it as just another bill... .I hope this helps.

I don't think it is a good idea. She'll figure something out. It's the fathers job, not yours.

I have personal experience with this. When exBPDgf left me for another guy, she swore up and down that they were just roommates and she just needed to be in a safe location while we worked on our 'issues'. Shortly after, she impulsively quit her job, leaving her with no income. So at her request and based on my fear that without any money he would expect more from her, I started giving her financial support... .To the tune of about $1000 a month. That went on for 3 months until she insulted me and I stopped. Later I came to find out that she was sleeping with him the whole time.

So I've been kicking myself ever since with the thought that a fool and his money probably shouldn't get together in the first place.

Don't be a fool. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Do you really want to finance her hunt for the next victim?

not even close to possible.  Ask yourself , how can you be friends with someone that treated you the way they did? How can you be friends with someone who cannot feel empathy and will only use you for themselves.  NO NO NO.  Honestly ask yourself why would you want to be friends with someone like that despite all you have read and all you know about BPD. Its not some miracle cure that they wake up someday and "all better" no more BPD.  IT doesn't work that way... .

im as nice as the next person... .

but when it all comes down to one question

why are things the way they are... .?

who refused to get help

who refused to accect something is mentally off

everything has a consequense...

lemme ask you... were you and her together... already when she divorced?

thanks a million for all the replies... .today she emailed me saying "u mean nothing to me"... .well if i am nothing then why is she always asking for help... .i emailed her back saying that... .she replied u helping me is for ur own "satisfaction", its like by coffin for someone after killing them... .then next email she forces the issue that how much she needs my help, and its my duty to do that... .crazy back and forth thinking... .then she leaves a message on my office phone that she wants me to talk to her doctor as she is having "internal bleeding"... .i didnot call back as i knew it was a complete lie... .two weeks back she used my credit card to buy a dildo on line... .man, what the hell is this... .its like even if i want to help her... .she does not let me, but still expects me... .i have to stop helping her financially... .thats the only door left open between us... .i have to shut it... .get out of the FOG... .

Indeed.  My wife, after she moved out, complained about the place that she is living, how broke she is, how everything now sucks, etc.  In response, I told her:  "The situation that you are in is one that you CHOSE.  It is a VOLUNTARY condition that you find yourself in."  

My ex drew me back in with her need for help ... .several thousands of dollars later that she was going to pay me back changed nothing ... .she was still the same person and i received the same emotional abuse.

She still owes me the $$$$ but i've written it off as an investment in freeing myself from her craziness.

and her poor decisions put her own kids... at finanacial risk and the consequenses of her actions... .are hers... .

she needs a job and to put her kids first... .she wants a life of her own... .its hers now...


not you... .you cant fix everything... and if you attempt to... .

i assure you  you will be the one who is left feeling unrewarded... for you galant attempts

I'm sorry you are feeling down today.

I don't mean to be mean but you need to hear the harsh truth about this woman. It is so obvious to me that she's done nothing but use you in the service of a pathetic "learned helplessness" she is living.

She cheated on her Husband for years-that in itself tells you volumes. It is too bad that you (and I am not accusing because we all can be weak and have vulnerabilities) fell for her waif line and that you didn't question her character (or lack of... .) So she used you for the purposes of getting back at her Husband, or hurting him, or getting revenge on him, or keeping her distance from him until she found a new boat to float her and the kids, or a thousand other things I don't know but are wrong and ugly and dysfunctional.  I have no doubt it had anything to do with you. It was also part of her little theatrical production she is playing in her head about Men and what they're good for. So she used you -to be with someone, to have a place go, to not be alone, to act out her learned helplessness, whatever-

I can assure you at this point -that this woman has no genuine relationship at any point in her life and will never be happy- even *with* your help. With your help. she goes from one relationship to another- pillar to post-a sleepwalking zombie, unconscious, instrumental, clueless, acting out, grasping, greedy- without any realization that she's really hurting herself and her children.

Her only hope is that you leave her. Her only way out is to stand on her own two feet.

The kids will be OK, maybe even better for it- if they see their Mother actively participate in her own life rather than expecting others to make it happen.

But she has to be left alone first.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness (http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness)

Man, you can find a way to stop getting any of those messages; that is, if you don't have the strength to not read the ones you get.  Perhaps a new phone number?  Perhaps you can find a phone that allows you to block some numbers? 

You could always write her a legally-worded letter telling her that do not wish any further contact with her, and if she continues to contact you, you wil file a stalking or harassment charge against her? 

Are you still hoping that somehow or other she will change and you can be in a relationship with her?

About the kids... Do you really think that the husband isn't giving her enough for them?  Perhaps he should go to court and get the kids back... if he can provide for them better than she can?

Please, please, please, please do not give her your hard earned money. Spend it on yourself. Do not let her take advantage of your kindness.

Many of us HAVE to give money to our uBPDex's which is a shame because they should pay us for the trauma.

Please use the money to get some counseling.  It is difficult to emerge totally healthy from a relationship with a BPD sufferer. 

And any left over money, donate to a good cause.  It will make you feel better because you will know for sure that it is going towards a good cause.  You have good feelings for her children.  Donate your money to an organization that helps the children of mentally ill parents.

thanks everyone.

2010: i think u just hit the nail on its head... .what can i say... .hopefully she can have a healthy long term relationship, although i don't see that in near future, unless she changes drastically... .she does change and makes some sense in her emails sometimes... .but its temporary... .she is back to square one... .she has to be left alone... .i agree... .

TonyC: agree with u... .does not matter how much i help her... .no gratitude... .bottomless pit... .she would say thanks and all... .but next email same crap... .

JoannaK: i changed all my numbers (although she is an artist in finding out my numbers)... .changed and blocked facebook... .only connection is an email address and my office no (which i cannot change)... .she calls office and leaves messages... .i never call back... .email account i kept open for a purpose for now... .i am afraid that if i totally cut off minimal connection... .she will take a flight and come here to my office... .luckily i live in a different city... .and no way in hell i am going back... .no way... .no way... .her husband is playing the game too... .not paying her enough, so she can fail and he can claim the kids... .

singhani: thanks good advice... .

you what man 2010 just preety much broke it down for you so really i don't know what more do you need. i mean i know you may be this nice guy who wants to do the right thing much like alot of us on here but except this time you need to go and be nice to yourself and leave that woman and her kids alone.

totally agree... .it does feel like i am doing the right thing when i support her... .i guess it brings out my night in white armour side... .which BPD's a known to bring out, especially in the early phase... .but i am through that... .i have to do what is good for me... .

Some here recommend you list all her good behaviors and all her poor behaviors.  I believe that will help protect you from letting your emotions (her beauty, the pity she evokes) get manipulated over and over.  Those are skills she has honed and perfected over her entire lifetime.  We can't blame you for being fooled.  You didn't know any better.  But - this is important - you know better now.  So no excuses anymore.

Have you ever heard the old saying... .

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

How many times will you knowingly let her fool you?red-flag

thanks everyone... .tonyc, joaanek, pallavi, forever dad and everyone else... .for ur help in this time of need... .much appreciated... .|iiii

Because you give it to her. Or have been doing so.

Doesn't have to be any deeper reason than that.



BTW, I have four kids and we are in a very tough financial crunch. Can I have some money? :)  Why not, if it's all about your selfless concern for the kids?   

soo i guess your served your usefullness came fast... .huh

sorry man for your hurt... .

but... .this is just what you needed... .

to see... .

oh if u mean nothing then why tell you you dont mean nothing... ?

hmmmmmmmmmmm... .something to ponder... huh...

auspicious... .good one... .its funny one of my good friends said the same thing the other day to me... .he didnot need it... .was just trying to convey a point... .

just got an email... .telling me that when she met me i was nothing... .now i have money so i am in cloud nine... .she continued "one day she will be something as well... .a big shot... .and then she will spit on me"... ."what is money"... ."money is nothing"... .

i do hope that she gets to a respectable spot in her life... .on her own... .but i am out of this constant chaos

That is hard... .worst with children involved. :'(

After the break-up, a year ago, I got back to my country and came to find out that he didn't even had food nor any money nor credit to buy it. He was literally starving to death. Every time I would eat a meal I would start crying because I would remember him. I asked for a loan and sent him amounts of money periodically until he got a job and got himself back on his feet. Although he never asked for anything and I had to insist for him to accept my help. Back then I was still committed to help him. He has always showed his endless gratitude, and I never regret doing it. 3 weeks ago I've asked him to meet my needs in our relationship, whether to assume a commitment or to stop treating me like a secret lover, filling me with useless hopes. I told him some truths that he probably couldn't handle and all he did was to completely disappear from my life after saying "We will not be communicating."

Still I don't regret helping him. I know that by now and forever I would be punishing myself for not doing so. Money it's just money, it doesn't hurts to lose it as much as it hurts to deal with a heavy conscience. But it depends on what we lived with the other person.

Hang in there and always choose according to what will make you feel better in the future as you remember what you did. x

centella... .i agree helping someone when they are starving makes sense... .but when they go out and spend ur hardearned money on shopping for stupid stuff... .does not make any sense... .

did not send her any money this week... .also changed my cc no. (she had the card no.)... .just checked the statement, she recently bought a serum/cream for beauty on my cc... .what the heck... .i have been fooled enough... .i feel so stupid to fall for her waifness... .my fault too... .

man34

Please stop doing this. I did it too for mine ... .and got screwed out of thousands in the end !

Yeah, I agree with you as well, in not giving money for stupid stuff. It seems like you did all you could. I would suggest you to tell her you can't support her anymore. To avoid any attack, or unexpected visit, say that you would like to help and that it breaks your heart not to do so, but something has come up, and now you simply don't have the means to help her anymore. After this, cut any means she has for taking money out of you. And I would give you the same advice upon investing some of that money in some therapy, because it will help you to deal with all the emotions you're feeling and the ones to come as you detach and realize things that you can't realize right now.

Best wishes,

Centella

thanks centalla... .the datachment and urge to help are not easy to curb... .

Those with BPD and the other acting-out PDs (Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, Antisocial) are accomplished manipulators, they've had years to hone their emotionally pressuring and convincingly manipulative skills.

It's no surprise that many fall for it.  All of us here sure did.  If that didn't happen, then they would never succeed and hence they would try something else.  Which, by the way, is what does happen.  As the target/victim unwinds the chaos and seeks a way out of her FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) the disordered one will switch tactics and try other methods (love you, late you, etc).

thanks forever dad... .i am certainly in the phase where i am trying to unwind the chaos and look beyond the FOG... .in the last few months she tried her best to pull me back (trying to invoke jealousy and guilt in me, sending naked pics)... .i kept LC... .i remember back in the day when i was confused about the issue and was totally wrapped in it... .she would actually get a kick out of it... .she even used to say to me "u are in my complete control"... .with a lot of satisfaction in her voice... .i mean really... .i am in a better place now... .will get better with time... .