BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: LOAnnie on April 02, 2010, 01:22:04 PM



Title: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: LOAnnie on April 02, 2010, 01:22:04 PM
That was my BPD/NPD mom's trump card, if she wasn't in a ballistic, red-faced, screaming rage and being physically abusive:  she would threaten to send me away to the orphanage.  She'd say that she just couldn't understand why I was so bad (me, the robot-zombie kid), that she must be a bad mother and maybe the people at the orphan home could "do something with me."   This threat absolutely terrified me; I couldn't stand the idea of never seeing my daddy again, and I believed my mom had all the power at our house and could do it, so I'd try harder than ever to be "good."  

One day, BPD/NPD mom quietly told me to gather together some of the toys that I didn't play with anymore, that we were going to give them away.  I think I was around 6 years old at the time.  I was immediately on high alert, anxious and leery.  I didn't want to give away any of my toys, but I gathered some of them and put them in the pillow case she held open.  It was cool weather, so we put on our coats and drove for a while.  I don't remember us talking much, or mom talking.   At some point while we were driving she said that we were going to the orphan's home.  I broke out in a sweat.  We pulled up to a brick building; mom told me to get out of the car and come with her, and bring the toys with me.  She made me go up to the door and knock, while she stood behind me.  A man answered the door, some kids my age and younger stood near him; they looked grubby.  He looked at me for a moment, then looked at mom and asked, "New kid?"  Time slowed down; my heart was pounding in my chest, I felt numb.  After what seemed like minutes she answered, "No, just some old toys."  I handed the pillow-case/sack to him.  We walked back to the car.  I got in, and broke down in tears; sobbing, I thanked my mom for not leaving me there.  

BPD/NPD mother went ballistic.  She screamed at me, red-faced, spittle-flying all the way back home.  "How could you say something like that to me, how could you even think something like that?"  etc.  I had wounded her to the quick, what an ungrateful, hateful child I was, etc. Apparently she'd developed complete amnesia regarding the fact that she'd threatened me with that very thing on countless occasions.  

Just wondering if any of you'd had a similar trauma.

-LOAnnie





Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Backtome09 on April 02, 2010, 01:31:49 PM
I'm so sorry you had to go through that  x.

Yes I was threatened. Usually with being given away to family friends or relatives that always had a creepy suspicious adult in the crowd that had a strange fascination with me or other children.    The other one was (when I got older) "... .we're sending you to an all girls religious boarding school."

I knew they couldn't afford it but they drove me to the institution several times and "met with administrators". I was SO BAD that "they wouldn't take me". More like "parents are too cheap". PLEASE... .nuns would have been a bloody vacation compared to crazy foo.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Greeneyed Girl on April 02, 2010, 01:35:27 PM
LOannie,

I have only a second to post as I am in the midst of dodging a screaming, crying Mother who wants me to get out but won't let me go get her meds at the pharmacy.  I just had to respond to this post.  Yes, Mother threatened me with the local orphange.  It was (insert name of orphange) this and that constantly.  She would drive by it.  She would even tell me that she would leave my dad and put me there and pick me up on weekends.  :)adster would threaten "reform school" and earlier "boarding school" but there was no boarding school near us.  I used to think I would like to go to a school like the one on "Facts of Life"! I was also threatened with the local mental facility from an early age- first the treatment center where Mother saw a T and then the center where severely mentally handicapped kids lived.  I tell the FOO this and they don't believe me and Mother denies some of but will say, "Well, such and such (insert name of orphange) was a wonderful place."  They also opened the car door all the time and told me to get out and get out of their lives.  When I would step out, they would pull me back in  and beat me.  I keep trying to send this post but get the warning.  Hope nothing offensive is inside and God knows I have told this story before, but I wanted to share it not make it about me.  This is your thread and your pain, too, LOannie, and I am so angry at your mother for putting you through that.  The nature of B.P.D.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Cindy on April 02, 2010, 01:47:36 PM
LOAnnie,

That is the most horrible, cruel thing I have ever heard.  I can say that on a couple of emotional levels.  I don't know if I was threatened to be given away but somehow I believe I was.  I was afraid when we would drive by the prison or the orphanage.  Someone, can't even remember who, was always joking about being put in that prison as for some reason we had to drive buy it once in a while.

My autistic daughter is now in a very good group home.  I have to qualify that with "very good" because I had fought for years to keep her out of any "institution".  Her own father, my first husband, in a fit of rage told me She should be behind bars.  His mother thought she should be put away.  I asked her if she would have put her son away.  Her answer was "no, but he is normal." 

I used to have dreams that I would come home and either my house wasn't there or my family had moved without me.

LOAnnie, your mother was cruel beyond belief.  I am so sorry you had to go through that.  You are such a help to everyone on this board. You are loved.  I hope you know that.

Love,

Cindy



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: sollycat on April 02, 2010, 02:18:56 PM
holy crap, LOAnnie  x. If something like that happened to me, I've certainly squashed it. I do remember mother threatening to send my younger brother to military or reform school because he was "so bad". (This is the same brother she put the chain lock on the outside of his bedroom door). 



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Tivo8MyNeighbors on April 02, 2010, 03:01:58 PM
Yes, unfortunately, my mother used my battering biological father as her go-to threat from time to time.  I never met him, but he tried punching her stomach with me in it when she was six months pregnant to get rid of me; she had divorced him by the time I was born.  But when she *really* went apes**t, she'd yell, ":)O you want to go live with your father? Want me to look him up for ya?  Do you think he'd do a better job?  Because I'll do it!"

I'm sorry you went through this, too.  You deserved so much better.

*big hugs*

Tivo


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Kattgirl on April 02, 2010, 03:04:08 PM
They also opened the car door all the time and told me to get out and get out of their lives.

    My mother did this to my sister, at least once that I can remember.  We were about 100 miles away from home.  My sister was a teenager.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: justjen on April 02, 2010, 03:35:05 PM
 x  I'm so sorry that happened to you.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: DtrofBPDmom on April 02, 2010, 04:28:26 PM
Unbelievable! How awful for a child to go through that. I cannot imagine the fear of walking up to a building wondering if your mother was going to leave you there.

My mom would always say "Where are the gypsies when you need them?"

Joking, of course, but I got the underlying message. Yet another emotional dig at me.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: fannypumpkin on April 02, 2010, 04:31:00 PM
Yep all the time.  She used to threaten to drop me off at the bad girls home.  Once she did actually kick me out.  Told me to F**K off and threw me and all my stuff out the front door and then roared off in her car yelling at me to not be there when she got back.  I was all of 12 I think and my offence - I wasn't cleaning my room in what she thought was a fast enough time.

Sorry for your experience LOAnnie!   x


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Patty on April 02, 2010, 05:03:16 PM
I am very sorry to hear this, LoAnnie. That story is awful and a terrible thing to do to a child.  x

My mother threatened to give my siblings and I away as well and she did it a lot.

The other one was (when I got older) "... .we're sending you to an all girls religious boarding school."

I went to one for 5 years and I can tell you that it was a picnic by comparison. 



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Alastor on April 02, 2010, 05:53:24 PM
I'm sorry for that, LOAnnie. From the vivid way in which you describe it, it seems as though this fearful memory was really ingrained in you.

To answer your question, yes, BPD mom threatened eviction all the time. It changed as I aged though:

pre-9 years old: orphanage

9-12: with my father (who was bad, like Tivo8's situation)

12-14: with grandparents

14+: she would just threaten to or actually kick me out.

I clearly remember once as she packed my little brown kid's suitcase, dragged me by the arm to the car screaming, while telling me that she was taking me to live with my grandparents.

Like fannypumpkin, mother put my stuff outside and told me to get lost. Several times I did. I had a job at 16 and stayed part of the summer at a friend's place while the family was away house-sitting for them. I had called her bluff, and when I came by the house to pick up the last of my stuff, she broke down and begged me to stay... .only for the whole cycle of abuse to just repeat itself later on.

What an awful threat to constantly hold over the head of one's child! 


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: methinkso on April 02, 2010, 06:08:10 PM
LoAnnie. That is heartwrenching. THEN she attacked you for doubting her. Borderlines exert very complex victimization. One slap is never enough. I say she was raging to level the playing field; as if SHE would never even THINK such a thing.

Some days? I really 'get' how totally nuts they are.

I am wondering if you put your own ending on that memory/scene? I guess in a way I have done this a lot. Like, say you recall the memory, you acknowledge how cute and pitiful you must have looked besides felt, then you, LOAnnie, picture people you know that are good and decent people and how they saved you.

(and slayed the dragon, if that also suits you)

x


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: LOAnnie on April 02, 2010, 09:29:14 PM
Thanks all of you for your replies; I'm so sorry that so many of us experienced this particular cruelty from our mentally ill mothers: being threatened with abandonment. 

Regarding "redoing" the ending, I admit that I have had a fantasy from time to time of being able to go back in time and being a small child again, but with my current adult mind and memories, and speaking as an adult to my BPD/NPD mom as she is working herself up into a rage and about to batter me or Sister, or about to perform some cruelty or other that I recall. 

Wouldn't that totally blow her mind, for 4 to 6 year old me to say something like, "If you don't calm yourself down this instant, mother,  I'm going to run next door and call Child Protective Services to come pick me up." or ":)on't even think about striking me with that belt; you lay one finger on me and you'll get slapped with an assault and battery lawsuit so fast it will make your head spin."  or   "Actually, I believe I would rather live at an orphanage than with you.  I'll miss dad and Sister, but, it will be worth it.  Thanks for the suggestion; I'll pack immediately.  Please call me a cab."   

The sad truth is that when I dared to defy her in any way it was just like throwing gasoline on a fire; she probably would have worked herself up into a fugue state and actually killed me.  And perhaps she'd be oh so sorry afterward, but, hey, accidents happen.

That's why her rages were so terrifying, Sister and I could never really tell just how angry she'd get.  She almost single-handedly battered my bedroom door down one time when I slammed it shut and shoved my furniture up against it because she was so angry I was afraid for my life.  She had to literally physically wear herself out before she was able to calm down, that time.  Its one of the very, very few times that dad stepped in and talked to her after she'd stopped trying to break my door in and was exhausted.  That was when I was about 13, I think.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback. 

-LOAnnie



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: methinkso on April 02, 2010, 09:42:04 PM
LOAnnie. I think it is good you replay those memories with your own 'slant'. Go ahead and put the ending on them you need.

What I am reading, the way you are ending them, is what separates you as a survivor other than one that became disordered. You exhibit a strong sense of fairness.

I think, often, when a T has a client roleplay, that is exactly the outcome they are expecting. Through the action of being here at bpdfamily.com, and your words, you are re-writing to fact, your mother's 'rewriting' history. You are applying reality to your past. As much growth as I have made in my adult life, reality base has been the biggest contributor. Your KNOWing is your saving Grace. It is how you (we) take our control back.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: methinkso on April 02, 2010, 09:48:47 PM
LoAnnie.

Can I ask you something? Please don't answer if you don't want because I don't want to be pushy.

If you are not feeling anger at the past with your mother, what are you feeling in regard to her?


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: methinkso on April 02, 2010, 10:23:19 PM
I hope that was not too pushy.

I want to explain why I asked that.

I had what would be called an ambivalent relationship with my mother. Those two extremes were blocking me from seeing the reality of my feelings. One end of the ambivalance was the pity she 'fogged' me into under false pretenses my whole childhood. The other end of the ambivalance was the hatred I felt. The hatred came to me in anything from questioning, to hatred. Something occurred to me a few nights ago and as sure as I am writing this now, if my deceased mother was present I would have spit in her face.

I know how crass and ugly that sounds.

It also made me realize, that due to a life with her, she forced me into two emotions for her. Pity. Hatred.

NOWHERE in there is there, or ever has been love.

I think it's fascinating, albeit pathetic, that a mother could cause their own child to feel NO LOVE for her.

The very thing she needed the most, she destroyed as early back as my memory goes.

Then one has to ask . Was the child of a BPD disordered person programmed, destined and even manipulated to feel hatred for their own mother?

My answer is yes. And if we are not feeling either emotion, then what are we to feel? It's like we were also gifted a void.



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: LOAnnie on April 03, 2010, 01:18:55 AM
Hi methinkso,

No, I don't consider that a pushy question.  I too had and still have ambivalent feelings regarding my past and my BPD/NPD mom.  Its all so very mixed up and confusing, because on the one hand I have very clear memories of extreme abuse, and on the other hand my mother can be so loving and thoughtful.  When I was young I needed so badly for her to be my "good mom" that I just kind of learned how to cut myself off from my feelings when she turned into scary, abusive mom.  Some people cope by shutting off the memories; my Sister and I coped by shutting off our feelings.  We retained the memories, but our feelings got stuffed deep inside.   

But I can relate to what you wrote.  I am trying now to come to terms with how I feel about my BPD/NPD mom, too.  Right now I am angry, leery, and in virtual No Contact with her.  I don't know if that will be for always or not.

Its as though my mom liked the concept of being a mother and felt for whatever reason that she was supposed to raise children,  in reality if you check off the criteria for diagnosing general personality disorder and add BPD and NPD diagnostic traits, its truly the antithesis of "the good enough mother."

I'm pretty sure that my mom must have some aspd traits too.  Whatever emotion she is feeling in the moment is real, but it is ephemeral: it only exists in the moment. The next time she is triggered into a rage or into feeling self-pity, her promises to not be verbally abusive evaporate.  She has been formally diagnosed with BPD twice, but I'm pretty sure she is a "walking Cluster B."

She is definitely a "Jekyll and Hyde."  Kind and loving one moment, and a weeping, manipulative, or terrifying enraged or coldly critical and denigrating mother the next moment.   For example, she'd encourage my ambitions, and then put me down for not achieving enough when I would do well.  She'd be pitiful and heartbreaking one moment, then vicious and back-stabbing the next. 

Basically, what I have learned is that I can't trust her.  I don't think its really possible to love someone that you can't trust;  trust and love are too entwined.  I am full of anger now, but I am trying to achieve a state I call "compassionate detachment."  I see this as the ability to have contact with her without it hurting me.  I don't seem very close to achieving it any time soon, but its my goal.

My mother both hates me and loves me, and I'm discovering that accepting her love has too high a price; it leaves me vulnerable to her abuse, and it hurts too much.

-LOAnnie

 



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: DaraChaos on April 03, 2010, 02:35:41 AM
Although I was never threatened with being given away, I was often threatened with being left. One of my earliest memories is her shrieking and screaming, running out of the house, jumping in the car, and driving off. I think I was maybe 4 years old. I remember looking out the living room window and crying, watching her drive away. She did come back, about half an hour later.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: spinningdoc on April 03, 2010, 05:21:32 AM
LOAnnie - that's such a lucid, perceptive post. It's pretty much how I feel too. I described it to my enDad once has having to be wary of my mother. (I toned it down - he's spineless and has let her walk all over everyone, but at this point there really was no point in telling him 'she pretty much destroyed me and my sister and we're both keeping out of range purely to protect ourselves'.) And you can't be wary of someone and love them, except in the most abstract of ways.

As to the rejection thing - yes, frequently told I was going to be sent to children's home, or to the boys' boarding school down the road. It had big walls round it, and they're still an image that sticks with me. She still does the roaring off in the car thing, generally followed by my father appearing and demanding that me/my sister tell my mother how much we love her 'or she'll jump in the gravel pits'. We don't. If she wants to jump, that's up to her.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: June24 on April 03, 2010, 02:14:29 PM
yes, my BPD mother would but it was always to my father when my parents were divorced, which doesn't seem bad... but hurt every time. My father is also borderline and had another child and a wife who hated me and refused to speak to me. But I wanted him to care about me so much, and he always let me down at the end of the day... he'd be absolutely 'loving' for a months, blaming his partner for how he supposedly wasn't allowed to be affectionate with me, and then the next week everything in the world would be my fault (this was when I was about 10 and I would get screamed at that I wasn't loving enough for him, and I didn't care about him, and I would rather protect my whore mother).

So whenever my mom was feeling hurt, or I was hurt, she would tell me she's going to send me to my father's since I only love him anyway, even though he doesn't even care about me... and would go on a tirade listing reasons why he didn't love me and how selfish I was being for having hurt her (even if I was just upset about something not having to do with her, which I'm guessing she blamed on herself and couldn't take so took her anger out on me)

All I ever thought was that I would prefer to live with my father, because at least he was more laid back, but I just had to keep reminding myself, and so did she, that if I went there there would be no one around to love me.

I didn't know things like that were so common... I'm sorry you had to go through it!


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Meremom on April 03, 2010, 05:11:38 PM
Yes, my mother often threatend to make me a "ward of the court".

It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized how odd it was for a child to know that phrase.  My children certainly have never heard it.  Ward of the Court.  Lovely.

When I was 16, my mother actually did kick me out.  She said that if my father didn't come and pick me up right away, she'd make me a ward of the court.

Thankfully my non-custodial father did come get me and it was the best thing that ever happened to either of us.  We've been close ever since.

In my defense, let me explain that I was not a difficult teen.  I was a straight A student, president of various school clubs, never drank or smoke or ran around.  My mother just did not want to have to be a parent anymore.  I didn't "respect" her, which was true.  But you don't divorce your child! 


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: HeartAndSoul on April 05, 2010, 06:36:47 AM
Hi LOAnnie,

I was threatened to be sent to finishing school in Switzerland all the time. I lived in England at the time, I now live in Los Angeles. Man I never wanted to go there. Sounds great right about now. Please send me. I was threatened with that at least once a month. I went to a very snooty private school In England. My mum happened to be American and my brother. My father and myself English. Well my mum didnt get on very well with my school. All these years I felt I was a troubled child. I got expellled from school and I didnt do anything when I moved to this country they were calling me stuck up and prissy perfect. Going back to being expelled. I kept trying to defend myself against it. My mother used to go against every rule that school set forth. Uniforms she would send me to school in the wrong one for the month. Or the food I wouldnt eat she would make issues over. So many others. I was a target. I am also Jewish in a Church of England School. After I got expelled she took it to the newspapers everyone saying it wasnt fair. My face was all over the place. She finally stopped when they were going to put me on TV. I couldnt find a school to take me until a year later because of it. Then I moved to LA. Being as the school system was so advanced I still graduated at 16 in Los Angeles, England was ahead by 4 years.

Moral to this story not to long ago I pieced all of this together because to this day my mother keeps trying to bring that expulshion up and how terrible I was. See that didnt work because I knew I didnt do anything. Then finally about a month ago it all popped in my head. In one of my mothers tryraids I brought it up because I knew the truth would spill it always does when she loses control. Bingo out of her mouth she said. " I was a snotty little rich brat" and i deserved to be brought down a notch and put in my place. I looked at her and said Im sad for you mother. I was all of 4 years old. I said no you resent me because Im not you never will be nor ever want to. I was always a strong little thing and my daddy loved me. Right there is her resentment. She had her love in her mind taken from her from her husband. I was doomed from the start. Just glad smart enough to figure it out


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Cordelia on April 05, 2010, 07:49:40 AM
I was also not threatened to be given away, but was "left."  My mom would often drive off in a rage and no one would know when she was coming back - this culminated in her actually leaving our family permanently when I was in my teens.  Once when I was a kid she left right before this concert that we were all really looking forward to going to... .we still went without her, but it of course ruined the experience, trying to enjoy this concert and not knowing if our mom was ever coming back or not.   :'(  These are definitely some really bad memories. 

I identify so much with what you guys are saying about being able to feel pity and hatred, but not love, and the impossibility of feeling love without trust.  And how it's just not possible to trust our mothers, who betrayed our trust again and again until it was utterly destroyed. 

Ugh.  So sad.   :'(


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: hloomis on April 14, 2010, 07:25:59 PM
Reading this thread is having a strong emotional impact on me as this threat (in its various mutating forms, based on age mostly) pervaded my life with my mom (until I left for college at 19). The thing that's hardest is I can recall when it switched from my feeling deeply scared,  unprotected/vulnerable, fearful of what was going to happen to me and how I was going to be taken care of -- in other words, completely emotionally distraught and my trust in her as my protector violated -- to "hardened"and unresponsive, mind you at the miniscule age of 9, when I would threaten her back ("Go ahead and do it; I don't care" and be apathetic and it was like we tested each other. I became a spartan and stopped crying and feeling like sad and frightened at the way my mom was treating me (physical abuse of course) and the things she was saying. At 9. Maybe even 8. That's sad to me now, a little kid like that shouldn't be/have to be for survival so tough, hardened, and cynical.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Jenk on April 14, 2010, 08:19:47 PM
I have no memory of Mother threatening to leave me.  She's high-functioning, and I don't think that she ever went quite that far with her threats.  (She made other threats, compared me to other kids, labeled me, did the splitting thing, etc.)

I identify so much with what you guys are saying about being able to feel pity and hatred, but not love, and the impossibility of feeling love without trust.  And how it's just not possible to trust our mothers, who betrayed our trust again and again until it was utterly destroyed. 

The ability to feel pity and hatred, but not (genuine, soul-touching) love... .I hadn't thought of it that way before, but this description applies to me--as does the ability to feel love without trust.  :'(


Jenk


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: methinkso on April 14, 2010, 11:44:18 PM
I was never directly threatened with this desertion, but I have never been able to process my being sent off to gmothers almost every weekend from ten to thirteen yrs old. I don't remember any pre-arrangements, just being told I was going. I am sure it was alright with me.

I remember that when Sun night would roll around and mother would be coming to pick me up, going into a fear mode. Those feelings were horrible. Of course I did not understand that then. Was too young to understand it. And I also remember mother not speaking; no verbal interaction at all.

I do think it's safe to say it was just another way mother go me out of what she considered my father's attentions. Then she would be spending the weekend with her baby whited evilsis and her 'boys'.

What rejection!


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: simplesimon on April 15, 2010, 10:12:12 AM
My mom threatened (and did) kick me out at 17.  She would often tell me that I was lucky she was too scared to get an abortion otherwise i wouldn't be here. 

Either way it's enough to make you   


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: justhere on April 15, 2010, 01:19:50 PM


My mom threatened to kick me out too and I had forgotten all about that till I read your post.  I'm so sorry LOAnnie that you had to go though something so terrifying. When I read your post, I could feel your fear and for your mom to get after you for thanking her for not leaving you there, geesh! you were only 6 years old!

It's so mind boggling how they can make everything about them. It was like your gratitude for not being abandoned was an attack on her motherhood.

The more I hear about the behaviors of this illness, the more I can see that our affected family member doesn't know us at all, can't even see us.  It's like they have a wall built up so high and strong around themselves that no one can get in, not even their own child. So sad!

justhere



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Holmes1 on April 16, 2010, 02:24:43 PM
Basically, what I have learned is that I can't trust her.  I don't think its really possible to love someone that you can't trust;  trust and love are too entwined.  I am full of anger now, but I am trying to achieve a state I call "compassionate detachment."  I see this as the ability to have contact with her without it hurting me.  I don't seem very close to achieving it any time soon, but its my goal.

My mother both hates me and loves me, and I'm discovering that accepting her love has too high a price; it leaves me vulnerable to her abuse, and it hurts too much.

I haven't been on the boards in a while, as I am trying, through therapy, to not let thoughts and feelings about my uBPDmom dominate my daily life.  But I like to peek in every now and then, for things to think about and for validation.  And this thread, and post, really resonates with me.


I can’t remember any “serious” threats with being sent to a orphanage, but I remember my mother kicking out my brother one night – he was probably only 7 or 8 – and she made him leave on a cold winter night and walk down the street with a bag.  It was probably only for 10 minutes, but I remember watching out the window, and being terrified for him.  The other thing I remember is my mom telling us that our Dad would be bringing a “new mom” home from the Sears catalog.  ;-)  (Sounds funny, I know, but she really said that).  This was only told to us in calm moments, but it was enough for us to tell uBPDmom how much we loved her and wanted her to stay.  Looking back, I suppose she was looking for constant validation that she was a good mom and that we loved her and wanted her.  Hmm. 

My mom also has a history of driving off for periods of time and not knowing when she is coming back.  Nothing terribly long, an hour or so, but all we ever knew in those situations is that she was angry at something.  And then she would return, and if we didn’t make a big deal out of the situation, everything would revert to normal in no time. 

Not to change the purpose of the thread, but I wanted to comment on the phrase “compassionate detachment” - a wonderful concept, and something I want to think more about.  I am also in very LC with uBPDmom right now as I work through these issues in therapy and my DH and I try to figure out how to move forward when we can’t trust my mom and where I need to be emotionally stable enough to deal with her condition.  (After an incident last spring, everything I bottled up for the last 30 years has finally boiled over, and given that I am now a mother myself, and can see things much more clearly, that’s a lot to process).   Because I live several states away from uBPDmom, and she is remarried with her “new family” (as she so aptly informed me), and high functioning (i.e. I am not needed to constantly deal with drama, as so many other children of BPDs must)  I hope to find a way to have some relationship with her where I can practice compassionate detachment.  I guess only time will tell.   



Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Mom2MyKids on April 16, 2010, 03:27:42 PM
So sorry to hear of such horrible threats with orphanages.  I never had that experience, but my younger brother was threatened with boarding school so many times I could never have counted.  He argued with my parents A LOT.  Now he is an attorney!  He still enjoys arguing, but he argues for things he is in favor of, more like a debate.  He loves a good political discussion or a discussion about who is his favorite baseball/football player and why they should be on which team, etc... .  He still thinks he was a bad kid and still is very angry about stuff.

My younger brother and sister also had many many threats from my mom that SHE would pack her bags and leave for good.  I am 7yrs older than brother and 8.5 yrs older than sister, so I was already 18 or so when I remember these constant threats.  She threatened this usually after a fight with brother or with endad.  One time I told him to let her go and that she was only saying that to get attention and that she would never actually leave.  You can imagine how much worse I made life for endad at that comment.  I didn't believe in my heart that she would, but I found out from my sister (who was only 9 or 10 at the time) that SHE believed it and was terrified that my mom would actually abandon her.  She emotionally detached early on as did my brother.  I only learned this as an adult.  Poor kids. 

We decided that her headstone will say "She finally packed her bags and left for good."


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Jenk on April 16, 2010, 03:56:17 PM
We decided that her headstone will say "She finally packed her bags and left for good."

I hope this doesn't come across as mean-spirited, but this (potential) epitaph made me laugh aloud.  I couldn't help myself. 


Jenk


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Mom2MyKids on April 16, 2010, 05:34:07 PM
No, sometimes we have to laugh to keep from crying.  That's a saying I got from my mother.


Kathryn


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: WhyAskWhy on April 17, 2010, 06:41:11 PM
I was to be given away to the Indians, when I was small.  I have no idea what I could have done to have such a threat hurled at me in such frustration, as I was a very quiet child.





Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: LOAnnie on April 17, 2010, 07:12:24 PM
Exactly.  I think the point is that there is no rational reason to threaten a child in such an abusive way.   All the reasons are irrational, or cruel and sadistic.

Making such a threat (in all of its various permutations: I'm giving you away, I'm selling you, you're going to be taken away, I'm leaving the family and never coming back, your family are all going to move away and leave you here alone, etc., etc.) shows an appalling lack of empathy, because a child has no choice but to believe whatever their parent or caregiver tells them.  A small child can't determine whether an adult is lying to them and manipulating them or not.

A child's innocence and inexperience makes him or her abjectly vulnerable to manipulation, particularly from those they love the most.

That's why it is such a reprehensible act to mistreat, abuse, lie to, corrupt, or torture a child; children are so utterly helpless and trusting.

The truth is, unfortunately, that a lot of us were raised by sadistic bullies who got off on messing with our heads, for fun, just because they could.

-LOAnnie





Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: 2010 on April 17, 2010, 07:42:04 PM
I still AM being threatened. To this very day- but now that I am an adult- the threat has transferred to her last WILL and testament.  I think my Mother has been dying for about all of my life- but now that I am away from her she threatens to kick me out of the Will when I dont acquiesce to her demands.

When I was younger, I didn't know any better- and I thought that this was my inheritance- and so I should guard it thoughtfully.  Now that I have made my own money by working hard and having a career- I realize that the pull to this inheritance doesn't affect me as much. It's only money.  Before, I felt it was money, honor, family code, respect. Now I realize it's manipulation- bargaining, dishonor and madness.  I no longer care. What a relief to be free.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: Backtome09 on April 20, 2010, 06:54:34 PM
2010,     Yes it is.


Title: Re: Were you ever threatened with being given away?
Post by: velvetfish on April 20, 2010, 07:33:41 PM
OH yes-

Mother constantly threatened that, and stopped doing so when she realized that... .that is exactly what I wished for... .

When I was five I told my mother that my father and I were moving into another house, and she could 'stay here'. (Wishful thinking)

I lived with my grandparents and uncle/aunt for extended periods of time, sometimes months... .until my mother became too embarrassed about the situation. It threatened her label as, 'Good mother'.

Children who aren't liked by a parent, should not be forced to live with them, and parents who do not like a child,... .there really is no hope besides giving that child up to someone else to raise... .there is no 'faking it'.

At 33, I found an older, childless woman (63), who just loves getting a visit almost every morning at her assisted living center. She loves flowers once a week, and breakfast cooked for her most mornings. She loves her pet cared for and her flowers watered when she is on travel. When I see my BPD mother 4X/year, and she alludes to replacing me with my sister-in-law, or alienating me from the family... .I just smile and think silently... ., "Well, I rejected YOU... .I replaced YOU... .I found someone kinder, smarter, more interesting... .and I don't need you and I don't want you." When she offers some servitude action to, 'get me into the family's good graces', I tell her, Nope... .too busy!

As adults, when mothers say they don't want you, take them seriously and find a GREAT LIFE elsewhere! My father left a 4MD estate that I walked away from. NO amount of $ is worth being tortured, and in the end, even though you were the best little ki--a-- to mommy, the sadist will probably leave all to her maid or cat. BPD's love getting the last say, particularly when that say is sadistic.