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Call me crazy (lord knows my BPSO does lol) but in reading through the boards these last few months, I notice that most of the nons who are male and were/are with women report that their BP SOs engaged in adultery (sometimes serial). Many of the women nons who were/are with men report more that their SOs were verbal and/or physical abusive and less that they engaged in adultery.

Is it a pattern? Or maybe it's just because it more closely relates to my experience (verbally abusive partner but no cheating).

Any thoughts from others out there?

I sincerely believed my bf never cheated on me when we were "on". However there were two times he withdrew, once a year and a half ago, and now. The first time he did go to an event with another girl, but her dad was there and she was also feeling he was a little obsessive as he text'd her and stopped by her place a number of times. So I could question if they really did (plus it was about 6 months into our relationship before we did as well, part of that was me resisting but it WAS awhile before he tried anything with me).

Now he is distant again. I do see him reaching out to others, he's "getting older" and I think he wants to settle down. Again, I don't think he's done anything but he's distant enough with me that it's possible, and he's certainly using the possibility to hurt me.

And you know the odd thing about them? In my example, if he is truly using "others" to make me jealous, then you'd think once he succeeded, he'd veer back in this direction. They do defy logic, don't they?

It seems like I do read where women cheat more often - my ex is so not a "womanizer" its the last thing I think about him doing, I will give him that.

But yeah, I tend to agree it seems like BPD women pursue relationships more than men... .wonder why?

My exBPD/AsPD husband cheated on me only once (that I know of).  I left him shortly afterward.  My current BPDbf has never cheated, nor do I think he would. 

I think this is true just by the virtue that women can get sex whenever they want.  As a guy, I don't get women coming up to me and hitting on me.  I think that's probably happened twice in my whole life.  If you're a woman you have many more opportunities to cheat.  BPD women don't have any impulse control and aren't very discriminatory in who gives them attention.  My exBPDgf slept with a guy she said she wasn't even attracted to.  She kept sleeping with him though and I wouldn't be surprised if she's gone back to him when I've turned her away.   

I think I agree Sound. I never caught my ex cheating. But for some reason I was allways worried about it.

She told me about men coming on to her, it was no wonder she was such a flirt wherever she went. She did it in front of me which hurt.

In the begining of our relationship she said I don't care if you have another gf just make sure I am #1. This was confusing and changed to jealusy as we went along, but I wouldn't  have cheated on her. I asked her one time if she believed in total fidelity. She took a long time to answer and said yes. But I knew she was lying.

I think it may have something to do with empathy and the fact that maybe they cannot love anyone but themselves.

I think we are like an appliance to them.

Interesting point, Valentine, about women having more opportunity. Perhaps much of it goes back to conditioned gender roles... .aggression is more socially acceptable in men so they are more likely to engage in that behaviour, maybe. Also, I can't see a needy, waif-type man being all that appealing to many women, so it's not likely to be as successful of a strategy to help ease the internal pain of their BPD.

My dBPDstbxh always reverts to aggression and verbal attacks when he is emotionally dysregulated. He would only expose his vulnerable side or his fear of abandonment when he felt the most secure. I am as sure as I can be of anything that he has never been unfaithful to the marriage with another woman. He often brags of it: "I never cheated, I have always kept a job... .I am not the one breaking vows... .you said 'in sickness and in health'... ." In perfect BPD fashion, he forgets that he vowed to love, honour and cherish me, and those are vows he has broken again and again.

Funny though, because in my mind, adultery (and especially serial adultery) is a behaviour more usually associated with men, but it seems to be a definite trend when it comes to BPD.

This disorder just has so many different ways of hurting people, doesn't it?

There may be a discrepency, but I haven't noticed it.  I dated a pwBPD and he was chasing other women, plural, from day one.  

Of course, he was keeping this secret from me.

Also dated a guy without BPD, but who has serious attachment issues.  He and I didn't even hold hands for months, let alone anything else.  After we became "exclusive" --let me rephrase that--after I became exclusive and believed him when he said he was too--he cheated.  I'm not even sure to what extent, but I'm pretty sure there was more than one other woman.

Oh, and yes, they both vehemently denied it.  The first one finally confessed when he was cornered with overwhelming evidence.  The second one is adhering to ":)eny 'til you die" even though there is irrefutable evidence that he had a year long affair with a married woman.

Confused, you do really have to be careful how you say things to them, don't you? When my bf became distant, I told him to use condoms as I had made it 45 years with no STD and I'd like to do the same with the next 45. So the next week he comes over and pulls a condom out of his wallet to show me he's being careful! And then he tells me that he bought new ones and they work so well! (I had him buy a box 1.5 years ago when I thought he slept with someone I knew had HPV, and he absolutely hates the loss of feeling he gets with them, even though he bought thin ones). Now get this - we had sex, he used the condom and TOOK THE WRAPPER INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT IN THE TRASH! He did this twice. I am giving an educated guess that they are not new, they are from the same box he originally bought and he figures I'll recognize that he lied about buying new ones. Last I remember, there were maybe 7 left in that box... .

And whom do you think they are cheating with? Perhaps impulsive BPD or NPD men?

P.s. also something to consider: Money is an aphrodisiac to some people- regardless of their sex. To some people- having money also creates many more opportunities to cheat- but this reasoning only applies to outside observers who see gender or wealth in that way. In other words, not all women can get whatever they want- and not all wealthy people can buy anything they desire. That kind of thinking only comes about when you haven't walked a mile in someone elses shoes... .

He cheated.

He was controlling and jealous... .and he was seeing his ex (and another woman too) and lying to me about it. When I found out and confronted him he denied it, lied, and got back together with her officially a few days later... .and continue to try to lie to me about it.

I think men with BPD are just as untrustworthy as women with it, and they may use abusiveness and withholding as ways of hiding it when they want to.

Being lied to and cheated on feels awful. His denial made me think I was going crazy... .I wasn't. my gut was right... .as I later found out.

I will be very blunt and straight to the point.

My BP ex girlfriend and I seperated 4 times in total over six years. The last time she stayed with her brother and some of his friends came around, she slept with one (no sex) and in the morning started to give him a head job then she said she just stopped.

The last break-up in the first 4 weeks had sex with 3 guys. Had her 31st birthday and her friends got her a male stripper. Once again alcohol was involved and she blew the stripper in the toilets.

While she was with me I know she never was unfaithful. But to cope with the seperation she used sex and alcohol.

Obviously an attractive female can get sex any time she wants, thats just a fact. The difference is a non BPD person will resist temptation and be able to regulate there emotions and any urge they have. I always remained faithful and I had an opportunity once but never took it because I still love her. However a BP confuse love with immense feelings and dont really see what there actions do to others.