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Ok, so I ventured over to his facebook.  Lots of new pictures of of him and her and her family and countryside popped up today... .  I guess this is their second meeting in her country.  All smiles.  Lots of talk of marriage, love, she's kind and adorable, a tiger... .nice.  Much younger, much more exotic.  Why the hell am I torturing myself?  His page used to be private, as was hers.  As soon as the first trip, engagement and pictures, waalaa... .they both made their pages public.  I blocked, but slip and look I admit.  He's speaking Spanish now, she's speaking English.  No activity for a long time and now more pictures.  Here's the thing I'm hung up on... .Obviously I wouldn't take him back after all of this... .it's been that way for a while.  But they found each other on a marriage site.  Literally looking for a life mate.  Wants to get to US, her and her daughter.  Ok, each to his own who am I to judge.  But when we got back together last year, he told her (I saw) that he was getting back with his ex and to respect our relationship and leave him alone.  She continued to contact him.  Even his status on his page which everyone can see goes from single (after our divorce) to in a relationship (with me) for a long time, to single (our final break-up) and IMMEDIATELY to engaged (to her).  They got engaged probably right after our break-up, the pictures went up right at 2 months.  WHY isn't she split black yet?  She's still white as the driven snow.  I don't get it.  Pure, perfect, beautiful, good, adorable, hot (his opinion, not mine... I don't think she's all that).  His cycle at least when he sees you everyday is 2 months like clockwork...   We've been apart going on 6 months.  WTH?   

Is this a validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) issue?... .well, yes I guess it is.  Please help me sort through the emotions and confusion.  I don't understand this timetable, I shouldn't care, but honestly, it's bugging me.  Does the cycle change if it's a LDR?  Or is she really just what he needed and I wasn't... .after all the things that were said.  God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.  I'm interested in knowing how LDR's work with pwBPD.  He has to be on the phone, email, skype 24/7 so I know it's not few and far between.

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

ro... .you dont know how this is going to work... .ldrs... ick... .but... maybe shes not close enough yet... and maybe she has a plan... and he is not in it... .

coming here... might be the only thing on her mind... and him paying the bills for such... .

you dont know... and you could twist yourself up over this... .

would you feel better... if she dropped him like a bad habit... and he came knocking on your door?

hi honey im home?

detach... .youve excaped  youve earned a new life... .

and you wasting time check on him and facebook and all that stuff...

God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.

you are released... but you keep looking ... .dont its damageing to you, your self esteem...

and your not going to move on... .you will remain... .

No doubt.  I don't think he would be able to survive.

You're right Tony, and funny thing I know all of this.  I thought I was stronger.  I don't get that either.  No, if he knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer it.

Hang in there... . 

Remember you were white once... .

 

we all think we are stronger... .

if he posted on face book...

i am miserable and lonely and lost a wonderful woman... .

would you feel better... .?probabaly not you would blame yourself

and cry... .

peeking has no postive effects... .post about you... your free !

see chances are her only interest is to become a us citizen... and he is the key...

marriage site huh... .dont you see that as desparation on his part... .?he is buying a spouse... .and spending lots of money in the process...

good luck to him... .

Is this a validation issue?... . i see validation   you arent... .

mail order bride site... .?

Thanks for the hug dsnutt, I needed that!   x

:'(  You're right.  ahhhh... .

LDRs probably are easier for pwBPD and less likely to trigger due to the greatly reduced frequency of intimate contact. Also - WAY easier for them to find someone else on the side.

Unless he is in treatment, he won't be better. She will be painted black eventually.

what is the crying face about... .

you werent happy... you were miserable... .!

yes maybe its too soon... so you feel betrayed... ., unworthy... depressed... .

you need to realise... .you love and can be loved... .

and untill you accept that you put yourself in limbo... and limbo sucks... .

you need to move on... and visit life beyond BPD... .and the headaches. , and thw wondering , the thinking ,the crying   and walking on eggshells... are yesterday...

thats not your problem anymore... .

thats the new womans problem... she will eventually... be the one. to deal with him... when he throws the switch... and goes bzerk... .and leaves her and the daughter a mess... .or he goes home... and finds them gone... .cause hes not as advertised... .

cause it will happen... .and you dont need to witness it, hear about it or see it

you need to see that... .

you are a free valuable person... .and this wont happen untill you say the words in the mirror... .

and throw the crap of his you hid under the bed away... .

He's not in treatment and is in complete denial.  It's everyone else who's screwed up.  Thanks, DAS... you make a lot of sense.  Why this hurts is beyond me, I can't think straight.  Guess I still love the nut, but don't want him back at the same time due to all the hell that is BPD.

  I know I've been tempted to check up on my ex through the few channels I've left open. Every time I've done it - it just hurts more cause she's carried on as if nothing happened.

So I can empathize... .  x

  I know I've been tempted to check up on my ex through the few channels I've left open. Every time I've done it - it just hurts more cause she's carried on as if nothing happened.

So I can empathize... .  x[/quote]
So true... .it is normal to be attempted to peek, but like DAS says... .it always hurts more... .that is why I had to block my ex on FB... .I was torturing myself.  You will be fine... .just hang in there! :)

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

Rosebud,

I think I understand.  You were on the carousel for a long time, and you probably tried to earn your way back into his good graces every time he pushed you away.  He trained you to do that.  It fed his needs.  And it's a cycle you haven't completely broken free from, even though you are over him.

Yeah, it would be nice if he came to the door on his knees so you could reject him.  There would be some satisfaction in that.  What a pisser that instead, he's off on expensive vacations to see his exotic lady love.  LDRs are heady.  He can be perfect to her and her family, he's only around them long enough to enjoy the highs.  When he gets  back home and hits the lows, he blames it on the fact that he misses her so much... . 

You know what the reality is, though.  This temporary fantasy he's engaged in is all illusion.  I feel sorry for the gal, she's in for a really horrible time if she marries him and gets stuck with him in the United States--no family, language barrier, loony husband.  

Rosebud, it's hard not to take certain things personally, but his illness was never about you.  

Think of it this way.  He's still in Groundhog Day.  His life is a loop, that he relives over and over again.

You have a universe ahead of you that is open and ready for you to rocket around in!  You have tomorrows filled with possibilities, and more tomorrows after those.

x

I don't have the temptation of Facebook but my stbx's profile has remained on a sex/dating site. One of the photos he has posted is of his lips. (excuse me one moment   )

I try to convince myself that I can deal with seeing him in another relationship but I know I will be avoiding some of the places that might happen. I visualize him coming up to say hi and introducing me to his new victim. I visualize myself saying hi to him and good luck to her.

Here is some lyrics from a song called "Winsome Smile" by Chris Smither: (change gender if needed)

but time will wound all heels and it ain't pretty

with any luck at all she'll find some dope that you can pity... .

(I need a hug too x)

They're just waiting on her Visa interview and approval.  She'll probably be here in late May, June... .he bought a new house.  Then I believe after she's here, they have 90 days to get hitched or she has to go back.  I'm sure it will happen in record time.  For him - BPD super-impulsive, lonely; for her Visa and marriage, new life for her and her daughter...  who knows maybe they really are in love.

Yeah, BPD love, the kind of love you had originally but it will sour and then, think of it this way, this woman is coming from a foreign country bringing her kid, she is in for a nasty nasty surprise, what she thinks will give her freedom may turn out to be a life sentence with a monstor.

I think some days we don't realise how lucky we are to get rid of them. It's a blessing. My exBPD was this close > < to getting me to drop everything and move just 200 miles away and I thank the lord I had the good sense not to ditch my friends and come live in a remote area with her. Can you imagine? Hell On Toast.

Perhaps that's it too, kly.  Well trained. ;p   It's painful.  I know I'm alive though, I can definitely feel.  So hard to wrap my head around the insanity of it all.  Thanks for your encouragement.

how about.91 days... and she spits on him and runs... .

His lips?  Oh noo.    Yes, we live near each other, and I'm dreading that.  I haven't wanted to run into him alone, muchless with his rebound replacement wife.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it... .hopefully never.  It will probably happen, unless I move. 

(here's a hug for you too...   x)

so ro what are you doin for you... .?

For starters, I'm here.  Right here with kindred spirits I can talk to.  It's more helpful than I can ever express.  It takes a lot for me to open up (very private), and I feel safe and comfortable here.  I have wonderful family and friends, but I can't talk to them about this, and they're physically not nearby.  I'm gardening, looking for full-time employment, enjoying my critters, the country and the lake.  So glad I'm not in the city going through all of this.  I have supportive neighbors, who should he come by would be on full alert and have my back.  I wish I could afford a T and/or get on antidepressants, but that's not in the cards right now.  This is my therapy... .here.  :)

haha... .that would be lovely.

dont worry you would be the first to know... .

im glad you have us... but you cant do the gardening forever... .lol

and you might be surprised to talk to family and they knew... .

Tony, how'd you get to be so wise?

Another thing I'm proud of and grateful for is my resolve to remain NC, it's been difficult (ok I peeked, but he doesn't know that) because, if/when this switch happens from white to black, I won't be the scapegoat.  It will be on him and her... .I won't be blamed for this one.  For once!... .they blame for everything as we all know.  It's on them and between them.  I'm out.

Back to the NC issue... for me, which is really what it's all about.  Yes, the facebook peeking totally sucks, it hurts and keeps me in limbo.  My rationale has been that I want a bit of a heads up, so I won't be caught off guard should I run into him or the both of them, because he will surely rub it in my face (his M.O., and the more I learn about her she's like that too) and I want to be above that by then.  A little warning helps.  Also the validation issue, which Tony, you gave me another post.  I'm not a m-o-b... .Desperate people do desperate things.

I talked to them right after the split, because he had already emailed everyone and cursed them out, and me.  Nice guy.  Emotional blackmail.  :)amage control and explanations were necessary.  Yes they knew... .all of them.  They couldn't believe I took him back after the divorce, and neither could I, but I had to go through it, didn't know about BPD and was hurt, he was loving and needy, and couldn't figure this out at the time to save my life.  To talk to them now about it however after all this time... .they'd wonder why on earth I was thinking about him at all.  None of them understand borderline, and this isn't your normal relationship/break-up.  There are so many layers that I couldn't possibly explain.  Their word for my ex, among others is very "unstable" and "disturbed".  They know.

Interesting.


Yes she's in for a rude awakening.  She pursued him, tackled him, got him.  and he's happy as a pwBPD can be (for now).  Sorry at this point I don't feel too much sympathy for either one of them.  She knew.  Who I worry about is the child.

I realize I'm lucky ts, we all are.  What a blessing you didn't make that move.  Hell on toast is right.  I miss the closeness (I fell in love with him), but it doesn't come without the flip side.  Thanks friend for your insight on this.  x

You will have that closeness again Rosebud, with someone awesome who appreiciates you and when you have that you will look back on this time in your life and not only feel relief but you may even laugh! I don't have anyone new, I wont for a while as I'm taking a time out, but I can already see what a tizz I worked myself into and how much hurt I allowed into my life and as my old morals and principles and self awareness come back I can see that this episode in my life... .how I ever stood for it for so long, is incredible, but I did and I need to be aware of my capacity for accepting hurtful situations.

Oh Rosebud, if only time and continent were not against us!  :)

Actually good point... .at least I am not out of the country... .  Geez could you imagine... I only have to worry about 200 in gas money to go home.

wise no... .battlescars... yes.

.lol i dont forget where i came from...

whats an mob?

mail-order-bride (see your earlier post)

I understand battlescars... .but they've made you wise nonetheless.

LOL!  However I do love London.  Couldn't get to Abbey Road fast enough.   You're a sweetheart.

Closeness is elusive right now, only in that I know I'm not ready, but I trust that the time will come someday and I'll meet the most wonderful guy with no BPD.  I miss that element, I know you do too.  We'll get there.  I never thought of myself as codependent before, but to be able to accept the abuse... .I don't know.  It's like brainwashing I guess.  I know if any man treated either of my daughters like that I'd have to kill him. (metaphorically speaking)

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

  It'll get better.

Oh sweetie, i am so sorry you are feeling so awfull... .

But you know, they will fail ,they have to, we are all so scared that they manage to go on and than magically live happily ever after... but they don't ,not this life they don't...

He hasn't changed, not one bit, and like you said, if anyone would do this to our daughters,we wil not hesitate to kill them... You are much more worth,and more beautifull person than he is...

And if she uses him to get to the States, well she's gonna pay a big price for that... would you be in her shoes? Do yourself a big favor... don't look on his facebook, you can do that, really you can ! x

Let it all out, sister.    There's no shame in crying and feeling pain. I think it does become an issue if we tend to wallow in it, but that doesn't seem to be the case for you given the circumstances.

Believe you me, I understand the draw of looking at their FB photo, blogs, etc. When I was really bad with that, it was because of the whole validation thing. I wanted to know that she wasn't going to be happy and prove it. In the end, all that thinking and pondering has pretty much just put me way behind in graduate school and farming and way out of shape. It's done me no good. I think once we get to that point (which is different for every single one of us), we realize just how detrimental it has been to our lives and a switch goes off in our head. You'll get there, sister. One piece of advice I would give from my long journey thus far is to avoid repression and wallowing (i.e. both extremes).

On Turtlesoup's comment RE the LDR - same thing here. We were real tight for 3 months. We spent 4 days together my birthday weekend and after just 3 months inside a 4 day span, she lost it. The next 6 months that she strung me along, she had a variety of penises to keep her physical needs satisfied while I was her emotional dildo. They ain't worth it, sister.

In solidarity,  x

Leroy Brown

Rosebud, just some more    because you deserve them!

I'm really sorry that you're struggling - even though you're NC and are so clear about that and committed to it. It certainly can still hurt like hell, can't it?

My ex is newly with another woman and I too discovered via FB a whole host of proclamations of love and wonderfulness. He's showering high praise, promises of marriage, kids and forever on her. It's just one big lovefest. They are across a continent from each other and were "in love" before they even met!

I was afraid too (maybe still am) that he'd be "better" with her and it would all magically work out. I don't honestly believe that to be true though, and neither should you. LDRs are PERFECT for them for all the reasons mentioned here already. I truly believe my ex has at least a few other women on the side and waiting in the wings for when he has an "opening." New Woman might be his everything for now, but it will crash and burn.

All of this is beside the point though. The awesome thing? You and I don't have to care anymore about it! This is no longer OUR reality. We get to go and do whatever we want. Yeah, sometimes that means crying, ruminating, pondering the senselessness of it, but not forever.

They are stuck in a neverending cycle of dysfunction. Same dance, different partners. It may not feel like it now, but you are moving forward, you truly are. You are in it now, but you will be *through* it someday and it will be better.



JPS

Can you imagine the isolation this girl is in for? And to think she's pushing for it and probably wouldn't take no for an answer from him. This is her big ticket!  Never underestimate the fantasy quotient- it reeks of Knight in Shining Armour. For all we know she is trading the frying pan for the fire- you'll likely never see a frown from her- there's too much at stake.  Will things be different with her? Not bloody likely.

Wow.  Thanks manon!  x

I'm happy to report that I've avoided looking since starting this thread.    I hope I can stick with it as the marriage approaches within the next month or two.

Word.  He attempted that approach with me too.  That's his hook I guess.  'cept I didn't need saving from anything and that was evidently frustrating for him.  However I realize something drew me to him.  Working on that too.

You're absolutely right, LB.  It really does hold us up, keep us stuck.  Do you suppose that's where the addiction is in play?  I don't know.  It's so hard to understand and that's because we cannot; it's a disorder.  I've spent the last couple of weeks reading up on Radical Acceptance.  I'm getting there brother.  x

Think of this... .they get through the marriage... because not enough time to go through all the little things that trigger to the big things that little things trigger.  

Marriage = more to lose = intense abandonment issues.  

What ever you went through think 3x worse.

I think you're right on the money with this one, dsnutt.  Best case scenario for them, she gets him into therapy.  Worse case, her child is going to be right smack in the middle of this.

Which could be an additional trigger, taking attention away from him.

Rosebud ! so proud of you, that you didn't look anymore |iiii

Don't you even think about it ! They will get their share of life, don't worry ... .

Therapy "? Don't think so, she in a foreign country , she has no idea what she's up to... .almost pity her...

Don't look now... .x

Thanks manon.  You've come a long way sweetie!  x

I'm actually entertaining the thought today of moving to another city.  They will be right around the corner and it haunts me.  I take no glory in that, I wish I were further along, it just happens to be the way it is.  The thought of running into one or both of them... .

It's so fresh.  I feel to go forward, I may just need to distance myself physically.  Financially though... .heck I don't know.  sigh.  Where there's a will there's a way.  I think I would be happier and more at peace.  What's that old song... "It's my town too" ... .small sacrifice.

I understand the motivation to do a geographical! I spoke about this to my T, she advised me that making changes while in a period of turmoil isn't always a good idea BUT my exBPD is 200 miles away, thankfully she moved. Were she right around the corner... .eh...

So if you do move, do you have a place to go where you already have some friends or family? If you do decide that you would rather not run the risk of bumping into them maybe go somewhere you do have some kind of support network?

Totally understand the thought of moving... .

I know that if i had the  money than and no children i would have immediately took off to my sis in canada...

But my house (bought it,not rent) my children,my work kept me here... if you have the possibility and finance to do, i can fully understand that you would move instead of living around the corner, it would have been unbearable for me ... .

Physical distance can help speed up the emotional distance imo... .

x

Yes, TS... .I have family where I'm thinking of going.  Not only will I be away from him and her, I won't feel so isolated.

Perfect sweetie, well, you do what you need to do to get you well  |iiii

Yes, unbearable.  Seriously manon.  I hadn't given it much thought, but as the date draws near (actually could be any day for all I know), I realize I don't want to be placed in that situation.  They would take too much pleasure in it and I'd feel awkward and hurt.  Enough of that.  Finances are the main issue to get my own place again.  Won't be opposing on family friends, but I'll figure it out.  It's giving me something to look forward to now.  Hope I can pull this off.  ;p  :)

Thanks love.  |iiii

You pull it of girl, make new friends, totally new life... .

Just do it, ask familiy and friends to look for a new place over there, you will work out the financial side...

Go ! |iiii  x

Hello All

I am with you on the peeking. I am able to see what he and "princess" (his word for her) are doing and photos as well. They only spend week-ends together with no talk yet that I know of to live together. Engaged after 2 months. I console myself that she only knows of him what he tells her and we all know what LIARS they are. We were together on and off because of his affairs for 19 years  and been NC for 3 months because that is how i keep it but God it hurts because he acts on his FB page and in his e-mails like I have never existed. But I am determined to keep strong and my closure is knowing that I can survive this.

Peace to you all

Lindy-lou xxxxx