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Mostly it is PROJECTION.

Sometimes it is when I am sticking to a boundary. 

I know that I am not controlling, so I just ignore.

I only control me.

This is verbal abuse.  If I was being told I am a controlling b***

my response would be to leave and not remain present for more of it... .

If the person would like to talk calmly about what I'm doing that is upsetting them, then I'd be happy to engage in a discussion about it as long as it does not become abusive or non-productive.

The key word there is controlling, the rest seems merely for emphasis. I would agree with Lemlover, projection revolving around a boundary.

Yet I have to say both my SO and I am extremely careful with name calling as both of us have experienced the extreme in past relationships.

We may utterly and completely disagree on an issue or action, however we both do try to maintain some level of respect for one another.

Projection is more typically the response I see and that in itself is very frustrating... .and I also agree, we can only truly control ourselves.

Though no form of verbal abuse should be acceptable, some context is required regarding your question, ie: Is this a typical response? If so, does it revolve around a common theme or issue? etc.

I don't know about others, but for me, as a recovering codependant leaning personality... .it's been my experience that there tends to be a lot of controlling behavior wrapped up in nicely packaged codependant behavior.  Fixing/rescuing for example, tends to involve a lot of controlling behavior.  My controlling nature has certainly been a topic of discussion/therapy in our home.(as well as his controlling nature)  So it doens't surprise me that this might come up for other people.   For me, it's certainly a worthy topic for civil discussion.   

But if it were just an opportunity to name call or get into a circular argument or verbal vomit... .then I'm outta there.

I'd be happy if that was the worst thing I was called.  It isn't.  I walk away when that crap starts.  She usually follows me.  Then I have to drive away.

I really have no desire to "control" someone, yet I can see how some of my actions can seem controlling. But here's why - because he often won't control himself! For example, when BPDh was in a worst state last year, he'd just play computer games all day. I was working a full-time job and had some freelance stuff going on, yet I'd come home to a messy house in which he'd obvious done nothing except create more mess. I began suggesting that he set a time limit as to how long he could play computer games. Yeah, yeah, he would, but nothing changed. I made more suggestions as to how he could set more of a schedule for his days. Again, nothing changed. Finally, I started making more specific demands.

"Controlling" is used as an insult, but sometimes people bring "controlling" on themselves by refusing to take adequate control of their own lives and leaving things in chaos, in ways that directly affect their partners.

I've never been in that situation, but if my BF said I was controlling, I would probably question him as to why he feels that way to see if there is something I am doing that he perceives as controlling. You have to remember when dealing with a person with BPD... .their perceptions are facts and very real to them. There may be something I can do differently or we can maybe find some compromise. Self-reflection is important in any relationship.

Now, if my BF ever called me a bi#%&, I would show him the door. I would never tolerate name calling like that.

Thanks to all who responded.  I need to do some reading on "Projection" just to gain a better understanding of the concept.  My husband does have quite a temper.  I've seen him so angry he would literally start shaking from top to bottom.  It doesn't happen much any more... .but sometimes when I "dig-in" he'll spew verbage.  I've learned not to bite back... .I've learned to walk away... .I've learned to compromise... .but I don't "give-in" when approached in a confrontational manner.  Any suggestions?



Yes... .I'm one of those, too.  Wanting to fix it all, explain it all, teach it all... .Co-dependent, thy name is Kelley.   Ugh!

Isn't this why it's so easy to "fix/resue" them... .wasn't that "part" of the attraction? It's very frustrating when it negatively affects us I agree, yet I see it pervasive in many aspects of my SO's life. Since I've learned I cannot/should not fix these aspects ( Since I need to attend to myself, and I'm viewed as nagging or overly critical, or pointing out that she is a failure anyway), I have found that encouragement in areas on a smaller scale is helpful. If I see a genuine effort is made (even if it falls short) I validate the effort and the objective in a non-condescending manner. For me, I've learned the value of encouragement is golden.

Yeah, accepting the other side as-is is very hard. Letting her cry and doing nothing is hard. As is stopping all my other rescue attempts. No point in stopping a crisis she had manufactured. Just enables the next crisis and prevents learning. Certainly worth a discussion.

i so agree!

I feel generally speaking (not always the case however), that anger can simply be a form of fear. With that expanded definition and when confronted with someone angry, if I can determine the source of their fear it can be helpful. Thing is, someone with BPD offers up a host of perplexing reactions (projection, splitting, black/white behavior, gaslighting etc.) that makes figuring out the source of that possible fear challenging.

"anger can simply be a form of fear"

Unlike a child, when an Adult turns its fear as anger towards an innocent person, we end up many times with Manslaughter, nothing simple about that~

Agreed. I didn't mean to suggest that anger was a simple thing to deal with.

 x

I get called a control freak when:

• I try to maintain my boundaries (ie scolding him for trying to put his hand on my crotch or groping my breasts in public places

• I try to hold him to promises he's made ie, "I swear I won't drink ever again," as drinking makes him monstrously abusive. He'll suddenly inform me he's going out for "a few drinks," and of course, I freak out, which causes him to freak out and go, "What's the ___ing problem? I'm a grown man, I can have a few drinks if I want. Stop trying to control me!"

• I try to talk to him about his engaging in inappropriate, immature, abusive, selfish, destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors, everything from him smoking 8 joints a day, calling in sick because he got too stoned the night before, literally abandoning jobs by calling in sick on a Monday and then just never showing up again, staying out drinking until 7am, spending 200 euros in one shot on DVDs during an online spending binge, raging, yelling, shouting me down... .just EVERYTHING.

I'm a "control freak" for anything I say or do in the interest of trying to make the relationship stable, balanced, healthy and grown up.

I hear ya.  Same thing happens to me. 

Once again, I appreciate the tid-bits on "Projection".  The notion my SO is masking fear through anger is a definite possibility.  Like I mentioned earlier in the thread, the outbursts don't happen much any more... .but we're both in a major learning curve as it pertains to building friendships outside our own, well-protected, guarded, secure, fortified sphere.  This may be where the nastiness originated... .a fear of abandonment.  Humm... .something to think about.  Thanks... .:)



--From Angst

i admit I am a bit of a control freak and I have a great distain for anyone trying to control me.  So when I get told thing like I'm a hit_ or a control freak, I ask and does name calling help the situation?  Do you feel better?  If so great for you.  And I go about my as my happy self.  :-)  I can be passive agressive also.   Just venting with you I don't suggest you say things I have said.  But I do understand how you feel.  It's so aggrevating.

That is positively eerie. I get the exact same thing... .exactly the same words.

I was accused of being controlling.  It came completely out of left field for me.  I never even bothered to follow up on what she meant because it seemed so outrageous.  I felt like I was the exact opposite of controlling; meanwhile, she had lots of demands and wanted to check up on me, etc.  I had even said we can have an open relationship if she wants.  I honestly can't make any sense of the accusation.  I did try to encourage her to get a full-time job (so she could pay her 6 figures of debt), so maybe that's how she thought I was controlling.  I would never seek control over someone else; if she wanted to have an adult conversation about it I would have figured out how to be less controlling in her eyes. 

In hindsight, her mantra that "he's controlling" was probably just a convenient explanation to give people for why we were broken up.     

I'm labeled as "having rules for everything." I want cabinet doors and drawers shut in the kitchen. I want doors to be closed so that flies don't come into the house. I want him to remove his wet clothes from the washing machine after sitting there for two days and put them in the dryer. I want the refrigerator door to be shut. I want him to recycle stuff rather than throw it in the garbage.

I'm a real f@*king control freak in his mind. To me, I'm a grown up.

"Controlling" to mine means "You refuse to agree with me.  You dare to have an opinion different from mine.  Not only that, you want me to acknowledge your point of view.  How controlling!"

My w is the one with the rules.  There are literally dozens of them, subject to change at random times or to be waived at her (never my) convenience.  This goes here, that goes there; never mention this subject to that person; always take this route when going to that place; ad infinitum. 

Your comment made me aware of how uncomfortable my husband gets when he's a passenger in the car and I drive to our destination by taking a different route than the one he thinks is the best. "Why are you going this way?" ":)o you know where you're going?" (Yes, Dear, I think--after all I've lived in this area 26 years.)

It's been a while since this thread was started.  Thank you to those who posted a comment recently (Jan. 2015).  This remains an ongoing subject in the BPD world and I appreciate all the thoughts/suggestions.

Katy-Did