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I cannot take full credit for this. I saw this on another website's message board. This can be a great way for us to vent, say something that is on our mind WITHOUT sending it to our ex's. We need to keep NO CONTACT going if we are ever going to heal.

I'll go right now since I need to!

C,

I have so much anger towards you right now. I have so much hate in my heart. Yes, it's still mixed with feelings of love, sorrow and pity. How could you do this? How can you be like this? Why lie to me all those years? Sure, you didn't want me to know about your past r/s with your boss. How could I ever trust you then? How could we ever have a chance if I knew the truth? So you kept it from me. You broke it off with him (remember I found the things he gave back to you). But, how many times did you run to him when you needed, in your words, "someone to lean on?"

You had your breakdown after being off of your meds. You did not see me as your rescuer anymore. I got so tired. So drained from it all. I just could not keep it going. You left. You ran to him. You got your new jewelry, trip and money for your landscaping problem. Who knows what else? I found out. You lied. And lied. And lied again. Why? Keeping me on the side for when you NEED me? When you changed your mind? When you got lonely? Nope. I cannot let this pass. I could not ever trust you again. You claim you never cheated. How can I believe you when you are a pathological liar?

You hurt me. You betrayed me. You broke my heart. Go. Go off with him. Then again, you can't. He's married. Even though he's now separated from his wife, you discarded him for awhile too. You'll go back whenever you need someone. This new guy you're with has no idea what you're like. No idea that you have illicit affairs with your boss. No idea that you go through life using people.

You'll be alone in the end. Just like you always said you would be. Alone.

Ah Artist Guy - i wish you'd posted this on Saturday because i stupidly broke my nc sat night after a few drinks!  Good idea though - its good to get things out & know its going somewhere!  With regards to your post - you def have alot of unanswered questions & i guess you/me/we need to face the reality that none of these will ever get answered - and if they ever did, it would probably be some sort of bullhit_ made up reasons! 

Also, try to find ways to deal with your anger & hate because it's probably holding you back - i was in your position a couple of weeks ago - felt angry & as if i had a black cloud over my head constantly - it was really getting to me.  Then i thought  :light: lifes too short to feel like this, too short to be bitter because of these people that have came in to our lives & caused us so much hurt, pain & confusion;  so i have began exercising a little bit more, getting proper sleep, trying to eat well & generally looking after myself & i definately feel better for it.  But good for u not breaking the nc & airing here - hope ur well when u read this  |iiii

Wings, thank you. I am at a loss today. A bad day. A day of thinking about her. Missing her. Questioning myself on what I could have done better. Well, there isn't. She lied. She cheated (most likely). She slept with her boss on/off for ten years to get material things she feels she owed. This is who she is. I never knew. She had a different mask/persona for me. How stupid I was.

Artist, don’t blame yourself. You loved her! That’s why you were stupid…

Me, I was the most stupid. I can’t have respect for myself. I fell into his trap again, and just because I’m so stupid to think this person has an heart. So stupid.

Hope better days will come for we all.

Great hugs  x

I guess we were all stupid for loving them, believing them. I took her back a few times but never again. Not after I found out she slept with her boss. Not after I found out what she is. No morals. A user. No remorse or empathy. Cares about HERSELF. Not me, not my daughter. Just herself.

It has nothing to do with stupidity. What we were sold was our fantasy and who wouldn't have responded by giving all we had to hold onto it. If we did anything wrong it was not having the self-esteem to get out at the first signs of trouble.

You're right about that. I certainly did not have the self esteem to break away. To be honest, if she showed up at my house in that outfit tonight, I am not sure I would be able to resist. Sad.

I ask myself the same thing. However, I know that one more recycle would be certain death to me. I would lose everything and everyone. The price is just too high.

I know. I feel if I EVER took her back I would lose my

Health

Self esteem

dignity

self worth

friends

In essence Myself.

Sad but right... .

Very true... .

Everyone so right here - the most annoying thing is when you hear everyone around you "if that was me i would have told them to... ." "i wouldnt take that from noone" "you deserve better than that"  etc... .

Yes we know this but when its actually you and your selfesteem is on the ground its so hard to believe.

With your comparison to different mask/persona - this is it - split personality - its as if they are 2 people in 1.  Last Thursday i got 7 hours of abuse through text message saying all sorts from i'm a tramp to he doesnt care if i live or die.  Woke up on Friday to "Totally sorry about that, its because i love you so much it comes out that way.  Wanna go away to a hotel for the night?"   Craziness.  We'll never get the way they think.  Again, just try to not focus on her or her actions instead focus on you, your issues & how you can work on these.  This will also bring up all your qualities & goodness in you - which is what you need to make your priority right now.  :)o you have a lot of things to do?  People around you? x

AG , thankyou for posting this. Ill know where to come if im tempted to engage. So far so good. I think hes fallen off the face of the earth. 6 weeks NC and not a peep.

My ex contacted me last Saturday and I responded and she came to my house a few hours later and we had a four and a half hour conversation.

In the hours before she arrived I planned how I wanted the conversation to go and I stuck to that plan,forced her to answer questions in a way she couldnt avoid ,she didnt have the chance to rage or criticise me,it was a calm and mature conversation.

Obviously I  have known for a long time she is bp/np but  at the end of it all it showed me how profoundly disordered she really is,how lonely and desperate she is becoming as she ages and gave me the closure we all talk about never getting.

I will now happily go back to NC and I know I will never hear from her again.

I had been NC for over 3 months and it gave me the time to think and heal and the strength to handle her and my feelings on Saturday night.

Im not saying we should break NC but for me it worked and was beneficial because I had over a long,long period of time dealt with so much of the original trauma.

NC is the way to go and I will be sticking to it from now on as I have nothing I need to say to her or know from her.

Yeah Benny, I hear you. Remember, there is nothing they can tell us. Most of what comes out of their mouths are lies, distortions, their perceptions, their reality. At this point, I am sure my ex believes herself to be faithful, the good one, etc. I am positive she has lied to herself enough. It's what they do. Lie and justify. Cheat and justify. Convince others and themselves. She knows what she did deep down. She knows that I KNOW. Full of shame. I have nothing I need to say to her.

Not everything they say is a lie or a distortion or a justification for something.

For instance if they say they played in the high school basketball they did,if they say their first job was as a typist it was etc.

But where interpersonal relationships are concerned they lie,cheat,distort,justify,project,split,disociate all the time about everything,and the more I learn and the more I understand the stronger I become.

The whole reason they are with you in the first place is a complete lie.

This can really frustrate me sometimes;  my ex cant see that he has ever done anything wrong, well, at least never admits it - even though its him that has cheated, raged, given me more emotional abuse than i ever thought was possible - yet i am the monster, i am the 'hit_/slut/tramp', i am the one who has treated him soo badly bla bla bla... .It can annoy me to know he will be bad mouthing me to all his friends & family but i try to rise above it & remember i know the truth... .ah its hard though isnt it !

Sorry to hear this. They are pathological liars. They distort the truth. I believe they WANT to believe they did nothing wrong. Otherwise, they would have to take blame. My exgf swears she was never unfaithful to me while evidence all points to this (as well as her running off with her married boss while we were on a break... .she lied and lied about that too until I countered with a picture of them, finally admitting to SOME of it). It was crazy. First she didn't go. Then she only went up for the day. Then she stayed the weekend at the resort but they didn't have sex. Then, this, then that. It was almost comical if it wasn't so painful. They are liars.

Yes i had similar scenario - once i went over to his to find exgfs car in driveway - on purpose i didnt go in or say anything, instead i remained silent to see what he'd do/say.  I got flowers delivered to my work, then i went over asked him what he'd done the night before - 'went to my mums for dinner' - confronted the car in driveway 'oh she was just in collecting her old bike' - then found out they went for dinner, they didnt have sex though - until she called me a few days later to confirm they did sleep together.  Again, comical - but sore  my-issues

I need another post.

C,

Well, here we are. I feel like I am out of the Land of Oz. You're still there. With your small fan club. Your lies. Distortions. With your boss that you can run to and use whenever you need something, spreading your legs for him to get what you want. Covering it up. Lying to everyone. He's just a friend, right? Slutting around with some new guy. Lying to him as well. Making sure you sleep with the boss a few times soon so you can get a nice XMas present and bonus. Got to make sure you get your time off like you do every year. Hell, you earned it, right? On your knees anyway.

Enjoy your life. You'll bounce from guy to guy, lying to them, cheating on them to get what you need. You'll never know true happiness or contentment. You have no self respect. You whore yourself out for things. You asked me if I lost all respect for you? I said yes. I asked if you had any respect for yourself. You said no. You don't like yourself. I have a feeling you never will. You mirror. You project. You blame. You take no responsibility. You hurt people and don't even care of the wreckage you leave behind. Not for me. My daughter. My family. His wife and family. You only care about yourself. Sad. Pathetic.

Good-bye.

A

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx

Thank you Wings. You know, she loved being called dirty names like that in bed. I got off on it too. But she used to insist she was only my slut. I see that is not the case now. I hate feeling used and stupid. But she is NOT going to get a reaction from me. No contact all the way. It is the only way to heal and be rid of that DISEASE.

Let them have their blame, issues and psychosis.

Yes, sorry for your anger. But anger is the first step for the healing. Better be angry with her than angry with yourself - and be depressed.

hugs artist

Oh mine did too. She liked being called my dirty little whore and always told me I was the "best lover she ever had." I'm sure that the new guy has heard that, and 'Your the only one who understand me" and "I don't like people I only like us" And "your such a giver" and many others I could recount. The holidays are coming too and I have been dumped again. Just like last year. I think it's tied to the honeymoon phase. She wants to be in that phase during the holidays and the best way for that is a new guy!

Good for her. I couldn't care less.

Yep, same here. She seemed to hate everyone around us. Loved to be called a whore. Best lover she has ever had. And yes I understood her to a point, no one could really in her eyes. So mysterious. They have to keep getting that validation. This is why she easily ran to her boss when we were done. How she can run to a new guy beyond him (but still go back when she needs anything). A whore indeed.

I broke NC yesterday with my exBPbf and wound up in a fight.  It followed the same old pattens as usual-- he would accuse me of something horrible, then when I'd try to explain myself and show him that what I did was in response to his actions, he'd change the subject, never fully owning up to anything.  I explained that I left him because, although I love him, I couldn't handle his resentment, rage and disappointment in me, especially since I would always try so hard to be what he wanted, and be good to him.  He had two responses to those statements: His actions were just reactions to MY behavior red-flag  and I wasn't always good to him, although he never got around to finding actual examples of how I was not red-flag

So, as I said in another post, it was all about blame again.  He blames me for everything, but accepts very little.  He says I should have KNOWN he loved me because he paid the bills and helped take care of the house, etc.  But I obviously never loved him because I left him, never mind all the times I told him and proved otherwise.

I guess it really doesn't matter.  I might just be trying to get the last word in.  I feel like I can never make any headway because the blame always rests squarely on me, whatever our problems were.  I guess I've gone from white to black again, and I have to remember he has no empathy when he's upset, so the whole thing's pointless.

Grim

As i said in an earlier post. Going NC actually lets you have the last word.

YOUR WORD!

I agree with sunrise here - anger is good - at least u are showing + expressing feeling!  Just don't waste to much time being agree - try to free it from yourself + learn from this;  then learn to love again, don't let this hold u back on living a happy life - which we all deserve  x

I need another post today. It's becoming a habit lol.

C,

Your boss was that important to you, wasn't he? I mean he held your job in his hands for the last ten years. He gave you all the time off you requested around the holidays. Free food around XMas to cook for us. Bonus. Money. Then, of course, sleeping with him, jewelry, trips, your landscaping costs, clothes, shoes, etc. Don't you have any self respect? No. You don't. You see him as security and safety. "Someone to lean on" as you always said. That's your PATHETIC way of calling him yet another rescuer and person to pick up the pieces of your life so you don't have to admit how needy and weak you are inside. How dependent you are on him and others. How you need to attach to others for your own identity and survival. Of course you cannot just have a working and personal r/s with him. You have to give him what he wants - sex. It makes you feel valid once again. Loved, desired, wanted. The chase is there. The longing. He cannot commit fully. Neither do you. Perfect for your warped fantasies. Only so many feelings, emotions to deal with. You said you always loved him as a friend. Even now. Sick. Just sick. You love him when he fills your needs. Just like the rest of us: the players in your script.

You had no remorse or empathy for me. None for his wife or family. None for my daughter. Only for yourself. Sad. Pathetic. Toxic.

You are so toxic to me and others in your circle. Toxic, needy, selfish, self absorbed hit_.

Just as another poster wrote,

You are a statue. We chip away in some places and you crumble. All that remains is this hurt, broken little girl hissing, giving me the finger.

AG,

There now that you have shared what your feeling do you think now if you read this and put yourself in her shoes she's going to see the same thing you are feeling? NO she won't. She will view it as criticism of her life and maybe rightfully so. But remember your dealing with a small child here.

I use this exercise too. I write what i want to say to her here and then let the posters ive me feedback. All your feelings and anger is VALID. But BPD's cannot validate your feelings because they only care about their feelings. And remember the emotions of a BPD are a mile wide and an inch deep. She won't get this. She will take this as you slamming her choices, and criticizing her.

The unfortunate thing is that they cannot process our emotions because they don't have the emotional maturity to regulate their own. nor do they have the emotional maturity to feel empathy for you or any others. Only when they "want" to and that is extremely selective and short lived.

It's good that you write it here. I would imagine it felt good to get it out but sending it would A.) Make you feel better yes B.) Cause a rift with her that will paint you black again if your not already. C.) Will not repair her.

You did and said what you want. The only way your going to get the last word in is by NC. I have come to believe that NC is getting the last word. MY word. YOUR word.

As hard as it is don't send it. I know it's hard but if I can do it you can. I'm a big pussy and always feel like I need to "right" things but I learned there is no "righting" things. So save yourself the heartache and pain and NC.

I'm pulling for ya

No, I never send anything to her. No contact all the way since 9-11. I write this here so I will never have to send it. I know it would fall of deaf ears. She would see me as the persecuting monster. The critical parent. She's not worth it.

EXACTLY!

Good move we both use this tool and it does help. Proud of you!

I want to call her and suggest we get back together. I am writing these words here instead of breaking no contact... .Do you miss me baby?Are you better now? How is therapy going?I am getting better. I do not feel as afraid of you as I did when you were living here... I wonder if I am strong enough now to stand up to you when you rage instead of begging you to leave me alone and wanting to hide under the bed.I wonder what would have happened if I had been stronger,if I had not lost myself.If only,If only... .Do you think couples counseling would fix it?... .If only I could find a wayto not be triggered by you. If only I could find a way not to crumble into tiny bits whan you "process" with me. If only you had not layed hands on me, maybe I could have put up with the verbal  CONFUSION.Maybe I could have kept my joy and my light.If only I had not surrenderd my power to you... .Maybe when I have my power back we can try again... .

You do realize the chances of this are as good as catching the chupacabra right?

Good that you process this here than re-engaging with her!

NO CONTACT WORKS!

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD KICK HIM IN THE SHINS.


I had a little angry memory moment today. Needed to vent safely.

Thankfully, at this time, I'm all done with venting about the ex. Still holding out that I can be convinced about this Karma-thing. Not quite sold on it just yet. I've been reading and hearing about their behvior habits, and how they can become predictable. I'm not sure my ex falls into that catagory.

Maybe it's too soon after the breakup. 8 weeks n/c, and I'm cool with that. :)

this is so what i want to say. its unreall how close it is to what im thinking right now

Time for another "email to her."

C,

Just wanted to let you know I finally logged onto the modeling site and saw your posts. You were feeling good for doing the diabetes walk again in memory of your father. I'm glad. You were on posting pictures of the new couch you're getting from your mother. You were saying how you were getting the inside of your house painted and you were getting a new deck put outside. I wonder where you are getting the money. I am sure you are getting a portion of it, if not all of it, from your boss. Just like after your surgery he made sure all of your lawn work was done for free from his workers. What a great guy. I was so blind.

Well, I had another date yesterday and hardly thought about you the whole time. I think that's a great sign. You really screwed up something great. You are so disturbed you will be like this your whole life. I thank you for leaving and waking me up to who you really are. I could have been stuck. I am discovering myself again. I lost 42 lbs. I want to lose another 33 lbs. I am feeling better. I am not as depressed. I have another date this Wednesday and look forward to it. Life is getting to be new and exciting again. Sadly, it won't be for you. Just in spurts. I tried to help. I tried to be there. Now, you have yourself. You'll be alone one day as you always said.

A

angry hurt,

Write it here. Get it out. Write it all out. Don't send it, just write it all out here.

We're all here for you.

Still the same old s***.  I abandoned him, so I'm the bad guy.  Nevermind all the reasons why I did.  He's all caught up in his self righteous anger and minimizes the abuse, verbal, emotional and physical.  He is insane.

Grim

B,

You took me for granted-- all the love, support and nurturing, and just BEING there for you, in your pain, to listen to you and comfort you, all that meant nothing, obviously.

You're mad at ME for leaving, but you STILL refuse to see WHY I left.  You refuse to see your own part in it.  You're acting like a child, throwing tantrums instead of facing up to responsibility and owning your own s***.  At what point, exactly, did it become okay to use me, manipulate me with your stupid and transparent games, and ABUSE me-- at what point did it become okay to belittle, shame, degrade, and hurt me, leaving bruises on me that I had to cover with long sleeves on hot days?  Who taught you that?  Your manipulative and disapproving mother, or your imbecillic, alcoholic and rageful father?  Was it both?  :)o you have ANY idea how to behave in an adult relationship?

Funny, it's obvious now that we were playing two very different games.  Trying to reason with you was like playing checkers with a spoiled 4 year old child.  You'd cheat, then claim you hadn't, then call me a liar.  If I made a good move, you'd accuse me of cheating, and eventually you'd just throw the whole board against the wall and I'd have to listen to accusations, lies, distortions, deflections and blame.  Being a reasonable person, I tried to see things your way and make the peace, but that was never what you really wanted.  To you, winning an argument was wearing the other person down with your hate, and you played dirty-- as obvious as you were you would just get LOUDER and more violent, until I eventually backed down.  THEN you felt so proud of yourself, strutting around like an idiot.

YOU of all people KNOW how hard it is for me to get truly angry.  The few times I DID lose my temper with you were interesting, and so very telling:  I'd finally tell you, in my I'M F***ING SERIOUS VOICE to "SIT THE F*** DOWN AND SHUT THE H*** UP.  I'm SICK of your BULLS__T!  I'm nothing but good to you and all you can do is blame and delfect and accuse me of crazy s*** you KNOW I didn't do-- I will NOT have this ALL BE MY FAULT!  STOP BEING SUCH AN A**HOLE AND SHUT YOUR F***ING TRAP!"

You know what?  You did.

When I'd get that pissed, you knew you'd really f***ed up.  You were so pathetic, hiding under the covers while I finally let you have it, with both barrels.  You deserved every word, and more.

I would just tell you that this was NOT how this was going to go down, PERIOD.

I should have done that more often.  It was the only language you understood.  

I'm so glad I had a chance to tell you you're insane, to your face.  You are, and I'm done with you.  I don't need your money, your hate, your abuse, or anything else about you.

You will end up alone.  You are no good to anybody.

Grim

P,

I'm not writing you to say I'm sorry. I'm not writing you to absolve you of blame like before. I'm not writing to try and be a viable part of your life. I'm not writing to tug at your heartstrings, I'm not writing to open any doors.

I'm writing to you because I haven't told you ever how you make me feel.

LIKE S__T MOST OF THE TIME!

I feel bad that you feel the way you do. Not because of the reasons you may think, but for the reason that i would not wish these type of twisted ideals, all or nothing thinking, and compulsive and obsessive need must be debilitating. I know that I would be pained inside as well.

I'm angry that you decided to idealize me to the point that i became your own personal Jesus Christ. Yes that's what i said. I'm just a man. I wasn't put on earth to hang the sins of your father, you, your enemies, or all the other men you have villified in your life on. That's what Jesus Christ died for. Not me. Then when i couldn't be Jesus my value was nothing. That must hurt to carry that inside and for that I feel sorry for you.

You are very important in the world. I feel for you that the world doesn't feel important to you. One of the most awesome gifts of life I believe is speeding by you and you don't even realize it. The gift of love. I pray that someday you can find the basic principles that drive regard for people, not just me I'm not viable anymore and that's ok,  but people in general, to treat with more humanity, humility, respect and love P, love. As you get older people are indispensable for its the relations you make, and the amount of love you hold for others that I would hope you can experience in full joy. Your happiness and serenity are important to me for no other reason that it will bring you peace. I hope that you do find that peace inside yourself and be who you are. With love.

The truth being that there is some mighty messed up things in your life that I for one am grateful that you did show me the decency of leaving me so that I don't have to watch the debilitating effects those issues have on you as you age. They have already had a huge impact and I fear it will be way worse before it ever gets better and I don't want to witness that. So thank you.

i know the little girl in there P, i told you that when we first met. I told you that your just a little girl who wants to feel safe. I'm sorry that no one can get close enough to you to make you feel safe. You haven't allowed it. Your history is of your own doing and you can't blame everyone for that. To tell you that I wanted to make you safe only shows my codependent defect, trying to take care of you. Reality is that you can't take care of yourself. The person you showed me in the beginning I DO TRULY believe lives in you. But the facade of pretending how to be that person killed your vitality. Being that person means tending your own garden. It's your garden, I hope you tend it.  Is it flowering or dying?

Love, Hope and Dreams

omg I just can't believe we are all experiencing the same pain, the same confusion, the same indescribable feelings. And to think that most of us were most likely different people before these experiences... .I know I was. I just hope and pray we can get back some the good parts of us... .only better.

Here is a part of a letter i wrote a few weeks ago when I was fuming. This was after I found out he had been having a 3 yr affair, spending our money on her and hiding money as well and so much more. I made friends with his girlfriend ( he actually introduced us) and I told her all about his illness. She started to see what a good person I was and couldn't deal with it any longer and told me the truth about what was going on. He lied to her  BIG TIME also! We both went NC with him. I bet he is dying because he has lost his narcissistic supply... .double whammy.

Hey D,

Now I know why you rarely looked into my eyes. Now I know why your were constantly busy and blamed it on your job. Now I know why you didnt have time or energy to spare. You were too busy hiding... .Hiding the truth... .Hiding the lies... .Hiding your sickness. Busy living in the H*ll you made and having the nerve to complain to me about how stressed you were... .and me listening and supporting you. I always felt I couldn't do enough to help make things easier for you. To make your life more comfortable while you ignored me and my feelings or needs.

You were lost in your madness. All the scrambled thoughts. Constantly fearing the truth would come out--or lost in your sick fantasies.

You must have been miserable at times and completely stressed out. I hope you were and I hope you are now.

I am worthy of soo much more than you could ever give... You are nothing... .you are empty... .you are evil. A lost soul, selfish and sick.

I want you to try and remember our early days together. Let start with the first night at the hotel where I stayed up all night looking at you sleep and thinking I'd never seen such a beautiful creature. That feeling never went away to this day. Remember curling up into a little fetal ball and allowing me to surround you. You felt safe, you said so, for the first time in your life. You gave me a love note written on a napkin. You shared personal information and concerns about your daughter's wellbeing and I took all the steps and did everything in my power to correct the situation. We won as a team. I also corrected the situation with your son and your mother. I did it for you because it was the right think to do.

I trusted and loved you enough to take on all your financial problems even going as far a buying you a house while we were still dating. I replaced your car with 3 new ones in succession. I bought you expensive pets then saw to it that they were treated by the finest vets when there were problems. I got you that perfect cat. I let you buy what you needed for yourself and the kids. I let you do what you wanted with your education, in fact I encouraged it. I took care of your children's medical needs with the best care.

I made love to you because there was no other way to handle it because I truly loved you with every cell in my body. I honored your body and never forced myself on you. I cooked for you as a gift. I was open to your family and the few friends you had. I trusted you with our finances all of which I provided. I never asked you to do anything I wasn't prepared to do. I sacrificed my relationships with my kids, friends and family in order to please you and keep the peace.

I would have taken a bullet for you without a moment's hesitation.

You threw all of it away because of your disease with you refused to accept. You lied, stole my money, degraded me while I was dong for you. You isolated me from everyone and took great pleasure in my suffering, much of which you caused. You were the only person in my life to hit me in the face or point a gun at me. You took my home from me by a well planned program of deceit and you ruined my finances through greed and irresponsibility without a care in the world. You blame me for everything bad in your life as you live like a queen in what was my castle.

Nothing will ever be good enough for you. This I know because you had the perfect husband and could have had the perfect life, something you always told me you wanted more than anything else.

I am angry at myself for not seeing you for what you were and being so co-dependant that I needed someone like you to testify to my self worth. I'm angry at you for destroying damn near everything. What a letdown you were. Just a beautiful empty shell. I wish nothing good comes your way. You simply don't deserve it.

Dear X,

It's been over a year since we were together.  It's a shame that it ended the way it did, with you cheating on me, however, this is how you operate and it validated my long-standing hunch.  I guess, for that reason alone, I'm glad it happened, because now I know I was correct.

You did a marvelous job of casting me as a persecutor.  So many times you accused me of making you feel a certain way that had no basis in sound reasoning.  Maybe being around me made you feel childish because you were actually acting childish.  Maybe being around me made you feel like you were being judged because you knew you were plotting to betray me and actually felt guilty about it.  Nobody can make you feel guilty, only you can.

You whisked me away to fantasy land, and, despite the outcome, it was fun while it lasted.  I appreciate the deep discussions we had about spirituality.  They were open-minded, and, although we had our differences, you were honest with me, and you allowed me to express myself as well.  I apologize if I never did quite understand your point of view, but now, after the fact, I think I have a better grasp.

The Divine doesn't dictate the choices you make, X, you do.  The Divine doesn't bear the weight of the consequence of your actions, X, you do.  Stop blaming your responsibility in life, or lack thereof, on the Divine.  But, I understand now why you cling to this belief.  You desperately need this belief to keep your tattered self-image stitched together, shifting all blame and accountability to the Divine. 

When we were together, I helped you edit your resume, encouraged you to follow leads, which resulted in you getting hired as an after-school tutor for elementary school children, your foot in the door in your dream field of children's education.  Since we split and you went back to your alcoholic ex, rekindling your bar-hopping days, you left that job and are now working part-time at a pizza shop and a coffee shop.  How is the Divine treating you lately?

When we were together I continuously stressed that I wasn't lying and never would.  I must admit now that this is not true.  There was one lie.

After meeting your father you asked me my opinion of him.  I said he seemed like a decent guy.  I lied, but how do I tell someone that I think their father is a dirtbag without offending them?  He never made eye-contact with me.  On the few occasions when we visited him it was like I wasn't even in the room.  And when you entered the room his eyes scanned you like you were a piece of plump juicy sex-steak.

You shared with me grizzly stories of his sexual deviance, cocaine abuse, and how your 4 sisters from 3 different mothers all seem to be trapped in their own misery.  You expressed to me how you are trapped, too, and how you desperately want to escape that.  My dear, you are not a fool.  You studied psychology.  You understand the impact of family of origin.  My opinion of your father wouldn't miraculously make him a better man and negate your childhood, nor, for that matter, can the Divine.

How silly was I to think I could help you find security when chaos is not only what you thrive in, it's how you were taught to behave.  That isn't my fault.  I now know it's pointless, a losing battle.  You express desire to change but lack the initiative to do so.  I can't change you, only you can.

In spite of the emotional abuse I endured, you bent me but didn't break me.  In fact, I think I may have been a little bent when we met.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I've been hammering away at it ever since. 

I wish you and the Divine all the best.

Dave

Wow.  This resonates with me.  I used to think "She sucked the Jesus out of me".  Thanks, JWS.

Good posts everyone. I need one today too.

C,

I guess I could never be that man to make you happy, huh? You said when we broke up that you were going to find someone to make you happy. Good luck with that. You can only make you happy. You'll never be happy until you're happy inside and like yourself. You hate yourself inside. You are filled with so many demons. And you expected me to save you. To take it all away. To heal you. To punish all of those who came before me. To give you a new identity. To help make you into that model you always wanted to be. To give you purpose. To give you that new subsumed identity: you, me and a baby. To make you feel valid, wanted, worth something. To prove to your parents, everyone else, especially yourself, that you are a good person. I wanted to. I tried to save you. I couldn't. No one can. You don't want to be saved. You want to be the victim. Drowning in the waves, never swimming to safety.

You lied to me. LIED. For years about who your boss was. LIED. How many times did you hit_ him while we were together? Was it worth it to get what you wanted? Validation? Shoes? Money? Time off? Landscaping? Jewelry? Liar. hit_ing liar. You have no self respect. No dignity. No integrity. Just someone I could never trust. A liar and cheater. Have fun in your life. The next guy, whoever he is, won't know what you do. What you are. One day you'll be what you always said you'll be: alone. It's what you deserve. By the way, I am going to have a blast on my date tonight!

A

B,

I'm so angry and hurt by what happened to us.  I still love you.  I miss you.  I'm scared and alone now and I don't know how I'm going to support myself.  You did take good care of me, in my illness.  Being bipolar means I may never be able to make enough money to be on my own-- you knew this and paid almost all our bills, and tried hard to be supportive as best you could.  Did it finally get to you?  Is that part of why you came to resent me so?  You say no, but I can't help but wonder.

I got healthier the longer we were together.  I could see the improvement in myself.  I was able to go back to work, I lost a lot of weight, I became more attractive and more functional in general.  This is why your change in attitude was so hurtful and puzzling.  We started out so good-- we were like two halves of the same whole.  You were sick, too-- you were so easily scared and anxious, and your emotions were so fragile.  Plus you smoked SO much weed, every day, and that just made everything worse.  I was there for you, emotionally and physically, and took are of you too, so you could get off the weed and stop feeling those horrible panic attacks.  You became healthier too.  We both had a newfound purpose to our lives, to take care of each other and love each other.  Making love to you was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had.  I've never felt so in tune and close to anyone, and you said the same, and I believed you.  Just being together made us feel so content and safe.  I'd known you 20 years and knew you were like me, with the same temperament and view of the world.  Being with you was like finally being home.  U wanted to marry you.

What happened to us?  You stopped trusting me, and then the rules changed.  You would get so angry with me, and if I tried to defend or explain myself, you would just get worse.  Some of the things you said were so crazy-- the accusations and blame and deflection of any responsibility.  I tried to comfort you, but you eventually wouldn't have it.  If you wanted to be angry, you'd just do it, with no empathy for how any of it made me feel.  I noticed this lack of empathy during arguments early on and pointed it out to you, and you swore you'd get better, but I guess that's easier said than done.  You swore a lot of things, like you'd never hurt me, emotionally or physically, and I guess that was wishful thinking, too. 

I know you love me, and I know if you could, you'd be taking care of me right now, and that that's what you really want.  I know I hurt you so badly when I left.  You told me you felt empty and useless.  I know you miss me.  I miss you, too.  I miss your family, especially your mother and the little ones.  I had grown to love them and wanted to be a part of your family, as well as your life.  I miss the tenderness we still shared, and watching movies with you and cuddling.  I miss talking with you.  I miss knowing where my life was headed, and knowing there was someone who really cared about my well being who would see to it that I never wanted for anything.  I just don't understand the resentment and the hatred I felt from you.  I never understood why it was okay to see me as the enemy, take my love for granted and manipulate me so, much less violate me physically.  I trusted you, and you betrayed that trust, far, far worse than anything I could ever have done to you.

I'm sorry I disappointed you, that I wasn't the answer to everything wrong with you and your life, and that I wasn't the perfect girl after all.  You disappointed me too.  I expected unconditional and consistent love and didn't get it.

Now here we are, apart after only 14 months.  It's sad and it's wrong.  I couldn't live under the same roof anymore, with all your resentment and hate, scrambling for the crumbs of love and affection you'd throw out for me when you saw fit.  You say I took the easy way out, that I should have stayed and worked on the relationship with you.  It was NOT easy-- it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I DID stay, perhaps longer than I should have, hoping against hope that things would get better, but they never did.  I was terrified of you-- you had left bruises on me three times-- was I supposed to wait for a punch in the face?  The emotional abuse is harder to quantify, but suffice it to say I was always afraid of saying or doing something to make you angry, because once you'd start you wouldn't stop.

I see how this is how you treat your mother.  I know I was mommy to you in the beginning.  Did i become an irritating burden like her after a while?  U never thought I'd say this, but she was terribly jealous of me.  She wants you for her husband and I'm afraid she let you get away with far too much bad behavior as you were the favorite child.  Now you have issues with women I wish you could have seen and done something about before we got together.

I'll always love you, B.  I wish there could have been anything else I could have done.  I'm scared and lonely and I miss you.

Grim

30 days after our break up. 6 days of NC... .

GD I want to hear from you...

I miss you more than anything else I have ever missed.

Don't you see that you have BPD... .You are seeing the therapist and yes you are working on mindfulness. Iam the bad guy because I broke up with you on the phone. I called you a freak and you now say iam verbally abusive.

you are just dealing with your PTSD and your anxiety... learning about mindfulness.

It's more complicated than that... .

Why are you wasting our time...

I love you...

I just wished you would call and tell me the same

I miss and love you

and I still want to marry you

D... .

This is killing me. Sometimes I want to call to hear your voice and "pretend" everything is not damaged beyond repair.  I know I am only remembering the good parts of our relationship. But it is all an illusion. You distorted things so much for me that I actually was satisfied with 10 minutes of sanity here and there. It was the only time I felt relief. I mistook relief for happiness. It was only me wishing and pretending things were normal. That little bit of normality that would appear once in a while was just enough to deceive me into staying.

Someone once asked me "why are you happy with crumbs or a slice when you deserve the whole pie?" They were so right.

I just got fragments of Love and moments of happiness. This is not enough. What is wrong with me? What did you do to me? How were you able to tear me down so badly that I was willing to settle for so little? How could you do that to another human being that was loving and good to you? You saw my heart and knew somehow that you could take advantage.

I am tired of asking HOW? and WHY?... .It is maddening. I will no longer ask myself how or why you do/did what you do/did. I will only ask MYSELF how and why I did what I did so I will never do it again with another... .and with YOU especially!

I get so frustrated with the thoughts that run through my mind because I can't verbalize them to you. You don't understand a word. You don't care to even try to comprehend. You claim I am bashing you when I talk about how you have treated me and the things you have done. You just don't want to face the truth about yourself. The awful, cruel, heartless person that you are. You refuse to feel an ounce of pain, remorse, or shame. When you start to cry, you either end the conversation, get hostile and defensive, or make a joke. I am NOT laughing!.

I want to call you and scream the most horrible things I can think of into the phone so you that you will feel as terrible as you have made me feel. I want you on your knees begging me and God for mercy and forgiveness. I want you to admit what a broken, damaged person you are, and that you were never worthy of my time or love. I want you to pay for the years you stole from me. I want the happiness you took away. I want every undeserving second of wasted time back from you.

I will get my revenge by getting past this and never giving your pathetic *ss a second thought. I will pay you back eventually by you finding out I am living a good and peaceful life without you while you still struggle to chase after the happiness you can NEVER experience because of how sick you are.

B,

Your texts yesterday were amazing.  I didn't know someone like you could actually exist.  It's like a bad thriller or something.  The attempts to get me back, all the while raging at me, deflecting all responsibility, using childish phrases like "I told you so", bullying and blaming, and your eloquent use of ALL CAPS for most of the missive was entertaining and dumbfounding.  Then you claimed I was holding onto the past and refusing to look forward in order to come back and make this right, this RIGHT AFTER you brought up some minor transgression of mine from over a year ago and hailed it as a devastating betrayal of your trust, and the excuse for the conditional love you hung over my head like some carrot on a stick.  Plus you managed to call me stupid, helpless and childish as well.  Wow.  Your claim that I either come back to you or wind up alone and scared forever was particularly interesting.  Project much?  EVERYthing you said about me was actually true about yourself, not me, and you refused, as always, to discuss or apologize for anything.  You ordered me to come home and "BE F***ING PATIENT" with you, and maybe with time you'd get better.  When I told you you had to be patient too, that's when you came back with "I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!"  So childish  I'm sad your mommy let you get away with this.  She was too indulgent with you and early on you learned that being loud and menacing got you what you wanted.  Well, not in this case.  You just look completely batsh** to me.

What you SHOULD have done, if you had half a brain in your head, was admit your're you're lonely and scared without me.  Follow that up with a REAL, authentic apology for the hell you put me through, emotional, mental and physical.  At least admit you have a problem and that I didn't deserve any of it.  Then you'd need to promise to get over your resentment for me and stop bringing up sh** that happened in the past and let it go.  I've apologized over and over for them and what's over is over.  I forgave you for all you did to me, and kept doing to me, and never brought it up again.  That's the adult thing to do.  Once something's worked out, it's over.  Then promise me you'd get treatment or at least therapy like I asked you to, and that you'd work on this without me for several months before asking me to come back.  Instead you chose to bully me yet AGAIN, and insult me and attempt to blackmail me and scare me into going back to you.

Why on EARTH do you think anyone would respond favorably to that sort of treatment?  Haven't you noticed YET, in your 40 years on this earth, that people leave you when you treat them like that?  All except your mother, who thinks the sun shines out of your ___ no matter how you speak to her.  She doesn't count, because her motives are simply to have you for her husband, and from what I can see, it's working.  Everyone else thinks you're a loony and stops being around you.  Girlfriend after girlfriend you torture, and they leave, and you still don't get the point.

Again, all I can say is Wow.  You are by far and above the most f***ed up person I have ever known.  Your transparency is the thing that gets me the most, that and how stupid you must really think I am. 

No thanks.  Just send me my things like you promised you would then get the hell out of my life.  Go back to writing your own tragedy all by yourself.  I want no part in it.

Grim

Bravo Grim,

Didn't that feel good?

of course we want to say all this to them but they won't get it.

JWS-- I DID say some of those things to him in person, near the end when I had finally given up and gotten so frustrated and sick of his bull**** that I didn't just give in to him anymore.  I did tell him he was making no sense, that he was acting like a child and that reasonable adults don't talk to each other this way.  His response was just to get louder.  Three times I was able to silence him, as I'd get my angry mommy voice and just tell him NO, knock this sh** off right now!  This is NOT how this is going to go down!  It took a lot to get me there, mostly his whiny, self indulgent blaming that would just go on and on.  Normally I could never pull that off.  Seriously, I had to sink to the level of playing the angry mommy before he'd shut his trap.  I did tell him he was acting like a lunatic once, and another time that he was crazy.  In retrospect that actually shut him up, too-- maybe he knew?  I'm glad I said it.  Maybe no one else ever has had the courage to tell him to his face.

Thanks for your support, by the way.  You've been very encouraging  :)

Grim

I would love to tell mine that. I would also doubt I will ever get the chance. Because quite frankly she's moved on, I'm grateful, and I don't even want to be in the same room as her. I have to in a court case coming soon but all i have to talk to is the judge I don't owe her anything. She owes me MONEY.

The weird part is that she acknowledges it, proclaims that she will pay me in full ALL OF IT, but she won't just pay me rather she would be pulled into small claims court. Is this just the last thread to be cut that she doesn't want to cut? I do!

Your doing well Grim, I find your posts inspirational and sad all at the same time. I guess all of us have that weird dichotomy going.

"Have fun being a dad"


That poor woman.

Hope you are well, and i am sure you are,!  as i know i have showed you a great place and gave you the best i could and a great church... I only wanted the best for us.

I thank you for not showing up in court and following thru with all your threats, you have made in the past.  and that have hung over my head all year. I saw the email you wrote to your dad, about how you were going to stahl for time, and gain leverage, and how you are in no hurry for divorce... I have lived with this from the day i saw it when you showed me JIms reply letter to us. and i did some snooping, when your back was turned...   How culd you say you love me and make the claims you say, with a ltter like this?  I still hung in there for you the best i culd and gave you a chance... .but it seemed that this was all some plan to use me.  and to get ahead in life,

I think you need to know the truth to why i left you...   you never were a wife... and it had no love in it and from the tone of the letter you never had my best interest...

you had your ring off

you made threats that another man was going to have you... .AGain how could you say such things to a husband you claimed to love.

you lied about being pregnant... how dare you put such stress on me, and then a miscarrgae... .how awful of you to make such claims to me, knowing it was a lie. and had two tests that proved negative... when we all know you had a unrinary track infection, and also possibly hormone issue with new suppliments... But instead you decided to punish me for somehting that was not real. only real in your mind

This alone i had to change my number , to gain some clarity, as you were being very manipulative.


Yes, i have had to see just how black your heart could be, and the calculated evil in it, in that letter to your father... how horrid it was for me to find it, and how much it grieved me.  and the FEAR of getting cose to you,and the deep sorrow it has caused in my heart, to know the woman i loved was a Facade, a illusion,  no wonder ERIC left you and could no longer talk to you, and made me wanna puke... and sick, ... .    You will probaly deny ever writing it... you have been smearing my name, rewriting history and telling a big fat lie.  with no empathy to how you affect others, or what you have put me thru.   I shared the best things in life with, you for you to only crap on me,  with your distorted views, and what not,

go ahead tell others what you need to tell them,, and how you cant be around me,   we know you cannot own up to anything you done,. your mind wont let you, others have to be to blame, you have to paint others black so you can feel good about yourself,,

you really hurt me, and i had to run from you becuase you were destroying me,.  i had to save myself... . 


Im regret finding that letter , for it brought so much pain... .but now that i see how you truly been acting and hw you hav moved on so fast... .It waas God showing me the truth, and a huge bullet to dodge,, How could you ever think i would invest in you , and trust you, and be a husband any longer to a woman who had a plan to destry me, with no remorse, no compassion, and whos view of God is to smite me... .

Belive what you need to,,.   I know i will get better...   you will have to live with your illness, 

Your abuse to me,, And you HIT me only 3 days being in town,... use sex as a tool,  I have came to the understanding that everytime we go to a counslor i get yelled at and abused...

this is not what i want to look forward too.

I have so much hurt from you,, betrayel, and your web of deciet... .you know you never used VAn ATta  ... you know this to be true, and so do I... .

so truth is < i am not able to be around you, its not healthy for me, at all... .and i loved you so so much... .and would have taken a bullet for you,,

this is my closure...    I forgive you!   

Wow, what is wrong with me.  I am hurt and I want to call her.  I want to tell her that I Love her more than anything and we would have gotten married if she wouldn't have hurt me over and over. I can't marry someone that lies and cheats.  Why couldn't she been who I fell in love with.

I miss her,  God I do.

She has a new b/f already,  Guess I didn't mean that much to her. 

I hate you, i am so angry with you right now, you have brought so much hurt into my life. Why did you say you wanted to marry me. and how i was the only man you ever wanted to spend your life with.

how in only six weeks of our marriage you took off, and gone for a year... .threaten to take things from me. to hurt me... why.?  why what did i evr do to you to cause you to react to me this way... .

Then to say sorry, and say you wanted to reconcile your marriage,, what a fool i was, to let you back in... but i was not totally a fool... I just missed you... and had wanted you to be my lover. how i wanted to believe you truly cared... .

I want to see you in pain... .to feel the hurt you have caused... making life so miserable for us that i wanted to run away and save myself... .to run away... but i stayed . just another day. and hung in there day to day... a;; the while thinking you would change  that i would here you truly profess your love to me,, to take back all the things you have said, to sabotage our marriage... i wanted to hang on... But i now have ran... and now i run... .

i filed for divorce, yes i have... and yes . i knew this was the time to do it... as for you had no money and i had to take advantage of this for i new what you would be capable of had i not... .I sought counsel from therapist, god heads, and councler,, i have coverd my bases and got second and third opinions.   they all said to run... .

I knew my heart would break... .and there was no denying how much it was connected to you, for you did hve some great days... and there were things i so loved about you,. but the compassion, and intimacy, i needed as a man, you did not posses,, you were not ready for role as wife... .

We are now divorced, 3 days, now,, you never showed up... .why... .i know its becuase you did not have to, and could not face the issue. and really just needed a way out it seems.  and now i am black... .your hit_ing games have hurt me... your lies have destreoyed me, oh how i want to expose you and conftn you, with the knowledge i have... . 

i hear you say you are doing so well,  the best you have ever been... .somehow morphed into the woman I desired,, and not the child you been...   i feel so disrepsected by you,, how you lied to me, false claims of being pregnant, when i went NC with you... and how you punished me.

ugh  im tired  neeed to go to bed.

I need to post today.


C,

Well, you're making a fool of yourself on the modeling forums. I had to go in there this weekend and saw your posts in the local thread. Posting pictures of your new couch. Of you at the meet and greet. Talking about the new things you're getting yourself. Maybe your rich, married sugar daddy of a boss is buying some of it for you. Maybe you're just racking up more debt. Spend spend spend. Gotta fill those holes somehow, huh?

Enjoy your empty shell of a life. Put on some more makeup. Get that hair done. Talk about implants. Buy those new shoes. Get that new dress. Slut yourself around. Whore yourself out. It's what you know. It's what you are. Broken.

A

Good day X.

I have all this hurt and sadness which over the last weeks has bottled up and now I'm so angry at you it makes me cry. I can't believe the deceit and the lies that you had me go through. When you pretended to be all those "friends" of mine over the net - did you get off on it or what did you get from it? You are the perfect lier, I could almost imagine you having split personalities cause you played these parts so perfectly. And I blind with love and denial couldn't see it through, it took me 1½ week out of FOG to see it, and it was so damn clear - my friends could see it at once when I showed them all the hit_ that happened. Like the time when this one guy was hitting on me over the net and I told him off and then told you what he'd say in response. You became furious and said you'd kill him, then later sent me a picture over the phone of something red; I couldn't tell what it was but you said it was the guys genitalia, you made me promise to never ever tell anyone. Why the HELL didn't I leave you then - I HATE violence but I was so enmeshed with you I barely flinched. You make me afraid of myself. You created this whole and well-orchestrated world of lies. Can't believe how naive I've been, ironically you told me that I attract weird freaks - a freakmagnet. Well yeah, I attracted you. You hurt me and broke me down from the start. Master of manipulation;I do hope no-one else ever has to suffer you. You are like a disease of the mind, my mind and I will not have you in there anymore. I sure have my damn faults but compared to you I did something about it, I went into T and I did what I could and I'm a person to be proud of. What did you do? Nothing, you wasted my god damn time. Much talk and no action is all I could ever expect from you. I will never ever idolize another person and trust them so blindly you could actually think I am the mad one. So many too good to be true incidents but I wanted so much to believe you were real, but you're not. Tell me again that you love me and I will cry for you - love is actions, not words. You never loved me, maybe in some sick and twisted way but I want nothing of it. Out of my god damn mind you sick sick sick man.

Why? Why did you do this? Why did you take a guy who gave you everything and beat him down? Why did you take advantage of his good qualities and begin to sour them?

I hate how you haven't apologized for anything. You act upset and you said "I want to be with you and I will change." but you proved you can't because you won't even acknowledge you were 100% at fault for the relationship falling apart.

I did nothing but provide, love and nurture you. So much so I became your father at the end. I paid for your education you will never use. I gave you a great place to live, new cars to drive and I ALWAYS did things to make you happy and make you feel wanted. But that was never enough. For some reason you were bent on making my life hit_.

Now as I try to heal I find myself sleeping alone longing for that warm contact you provided... .but the empty promises that held me close sting me. I feel so sad sometimes knowing I poured everything into you and there was no payoff. Just an empty, cold bed and house.

I don't think I can forgive you. But I can move on and be at peace with the future holding so much potential for a person like me.

C,

I would love that apology from you. For you to take responsibility for what you did. Admit to me that keeping your "past r/s" with your boss was wrong. That this r/s with him went on at some point when we were together. Admit it. Admit to me that you cheated. Admit that your lies were wrong. After five years of loving you and taking care of you, don't I deserve that?

Oh wait. I forgot I am not dealing with a normal, stable person. I forgot that you don't have empathy or remorse. No conscience. No sense of right or wrong. You are forever a victim while you claim you are so strong and independent. What a joke. Yes, you are so independent when you cry on the shoulder of your married boss for money, landscaping, sprinklers, shoes, etc. So strong when you spread your legs and get on your knees for material things. For security. What a hit_ing psycho you are. How pathetic. You go behind my back. You lied to me. What the hit_ is wrong with you? Oh yeah. You're a borderline. You will always be like this.

You always used to say to people (to make fun of them), you can't hide the crazy forever. You still say this to people. Talk about projection and transference.

Enjoy your old man boss' balls. Enjoy being a whore. Enjoy all the shame you have inside deep down. We both know it's there. We both know you don't like yourself. I don't like you either. I have no respect for you. You have none for yourself. A fake. A phony. A lying hit_. A disturbed person who is toxic. Contentment, integrity and morals have no meaning for you.

Trust me, when I find that special girl again, she will be real. She will be prettier than you. Sexier than you. Intimate with me. And she will be My kitty. Not you. Not ever. Not anymore.

A

Wow... .I wish I would have seen this topic today before picking up the phone!

I thought for some STRANGE reason to call my BPD mom after going N/C for a month. She simply heard my voice and hung up.

Well... .the improvement on my part is that I did NOT call back like I usually do.

It still feels icky. I don't know what I really expected from the call. But this would have been my first call since discovering my mom is BPD clinically. I always thought something was wrong... .but did not know what.

So... .silly me... I thought I would try a phone call with boundaries and obviosly not mention her mental illness since that would trigger negative responses.

No such luck

Well, I guess my BPD mom is still raging over our last visit when she dropped the bomb on me that I had an older sister. I did not get any support from my mom and searched within our family for answers which according to her broke our code of secrecy. Secrets and lies are really a BIG thing in dysfunctional BPD families. My mom did not take calls from me after I met my Other sister which forced me to call my dad and ask him questions about the birth of this sister which was before me. My mom hates my dad and expects everybody in the family to divorce him... .she does this with everybody. Why am I surprised or bothered by this if it is always the same?

My turn

You are so damn lucky i have not posted your calcualted letter that i found to your dad in your sent box... .the true you and your plan, of how to gaing leverage aganst me in courts, and how you were going to drag things our and , string me along... and such... ad you did you tried... you sure did,  coming back into my life and feeding my mind  with roses all the while toally capable and plottting a way to ruin me and to keep me in your chaos... .pure evil i tell ya...  you almost had me trapped.

I so so wanted to blow you out of the water with this in court... and all your other lies,, and of deception... .you are so so lucky... i could ruin. you and ,, but this is not the man i am... trust me it took alot,,  so you go on and paint your pisture you need, to, charm all those around you... it makes me sick and others that have known you and warned me about you in the begiining, but they knew. i woud not listen, and i was in love... or something...


but now its over,. im free... . damn you are so lucky... just this one post would ruin you... but i dnt want to ruin you,,the truth will find its way...  

I have prayed for the best of you... .oh how you have flipped the script on me,, Its funny, how fast i feel i am accelrating in the past few days since the closure of our divorce. how free i feel... .like a ton of bricks... .for some odd reason i culd handle you not being legally bound to you... knwoing i could leave anytime  i needed. and not fear, you becoming evil and me going from black to white, and worried what you might try... or the fear of me ending up in jail... .

C,

Well, three months now. Is this the life you wanted? I am sure it isn't. Who knows? Maybe it is. You go through life lying, manipulating and using. Do you even realize you do it? You craving for attachment - security, safety is so great, you latch onto people and use them. When they outlive their purpose, they're gone. Just as I outlived my purpose. Of course you deleted your modeling portfolios for now. I was connected to your modeling in a big way. It helped define what we were: Artist and muse. You don't know who you are. You have no real identity.

The holidays are approaching and I can honestly say I'll miss you. I will. I looked forward to having Thanksgiving with your family. The two of us getting up early for Black Friday. Just being together, shopping, laughing, having fun. But, it was not the real you, was it? There were times I was with you and you were cheating. You lied the entire five years about your boss. You hurt me. You betrayed me. And all of the holiday feelings, all of the warm times, all of the fun is not worth it if I cannot trust you. Knowing what you are. Empty. Shallow. Self absorbed. Selfish. Not really there.

A

You really tainted so much for me.

I have no more trust

A warped view of humanity

Relationship suddenly became a dirty word

Walking around John's Pass XMas time is now disgusting to me

Thinking that at some point, you were with him before seeing me

Spending Thanksgiving with your family

Black Friday shopping

Tainted to me now

Were you shopping with money you got from him

Going for pizza

Playing poker

Sex

Shopping

Halloween parties

Disney trips

Universal trips

Family time with my daughter

Our dogs playing together

All tainted

Ruined

Because of you

Why do you have to be so messed up

Why are you a borderline

Why is it that I was not enough

That no one or nothing is ever enough

Dammit

C,

Well, it's Thanksgiving. I would normally be getting my daughter and driving to your Mom's for the weekend. We would have had dinner at your mom's or grandmother's, then make our plans for tomorrow, Black Friday. Tomorrow we would be up at 4am, off to the stores. Exhausted by early afternoon, have lunch, go back and collapse for a nap. Then more family time. I actually liked it. I do not have any happy Thanksgiving memories from my life with the exception of the ones I spent with you. Sad, but true.

But, it is what it is.

This is who you are. Your lies have been exposed. Your r/s with your boss has been exposed. You lied. You cheated. You lied more. You covered it up. You put the blame on me. You justified it all. I have been replaced.

Good thing, huh? Imagine if I would have been in this fog forever. A life of loving someone not there. A life of having my so called love lie and cheat on me like I was a fool. A life where her own mother probably knew of her daughter's antics and looked the other way.

You claim you're so happy now. Your long lost brother is back to visit. You are so happy in life now. I doubt it. You are the same girl who hates herself and lies to herself (and everyone around her). Disgusting. Pathetic. Sad.

I don't feel sorry for you anymore. I feel sorry for me for having put up with you and your lies.

A

How can I love you and hate you so much at the same time?  Why did you have to be such a miserable hit_?  After everything I gave to you, how can you perceive it all to be worthless?  Why the hell couldn't you fight for us to work the way that I did?  Why did you take a happy, optimistic, confident guy and turn him in to what I am today?  WHY COULD YOU NEVER ACCEPT BLAME FOR ANYTHING?  Why did it always have to be MY fault, when you KNEW it wasn't?  Why did you take days that started out so happy and turn them into absolutely HORRIBLE memories?  Why couldn't you understand how much I loved you and taken solace in that?  Why was it so F*$(ING hard for you to feel empathy, compassion, and love?

Why did you tell me that when we first met, you were a very affectionate woman?  Why did I only feel that for the first six months?  Why did you feel the need to suck me into that godforsaken black hole with you?  Why would you not get help when I was so understanding and wanted to do nothing but be by your side the whole way?  Why are you always so GOD DAMN argumentative and rigid?  Why can't you see the happy things in life?  Why do you have to continue to dwell on what 'could' happen?  At times, we thought it was cute when I called you "Henny Penny' because you always thought the sky was falling, but it's so clearly sad now.  You have such a horrible life and can't see the forest for the trees.  You left me no choice but to leave.  I couldn't take your crap anymore.

I want you to know that I am ALREADY stronger.  I want you to know that I WILL be fine.  I want you to know that I WILL be happy.  I would like to remind you that I don't need to be with somebody beautiful.  I want to be with somebody who is attractive to me in every way.  For the last two and a half years, the only way that you were attractive to me was in a physical sense.  I used to watch you sleep early on and have such fond thoughts.  In the last two and a half years, I would watch you sleep and feel no fondness, mainly just resentment for the hit_ lying in bed beside me.  Yes, that was you, the most selfish hit_ I have ever met.  I truly regret the day we met.  I truly regret speaking to you when you approached me that day.  All that immediate connection we had?  Total, utter, complete bulllhit_.  And NOW I know how artificial our relationship always was.  I gave you three of the best years of my life.  How foolish was I?  But you know what, somebody great is going to get the rest.  And you?  You're going to waste away and die alone.  Sure, you'll have tons of guys around that will stroke your ego and want to do nothing but F#$K you.  Have fun with that.  They won't want you for what I wanted you for.  You had a true, sincere, genuine guy who loved you to death and would stand by your side forever, but you blew it.  You WILL regret that someday.  I know you will.  And I will have the last laugh when that day comes... .

Im sad, and angry at the same time, Im with friends and thier family and wives and really missing you,, I know you are right down the steet somehwere here in this town, where we got married andi wanted us to have or lives... \

But no,, your hit_ing lies, the hurt you caused,  the abandonement you gave to my heart... .I too was a confident hppy go lucky guy with the world to offer,  and you have attempted to ruin me,,I hate that i still think of you, and just ruly dnt understand how after everythin i gave and put up with and endured for the sake of our marriage , how it could just end like this,, I had to get away from you,, the more i styed with you the more lies i would discover. how you would twist things and how i was a pawn in your manipulation... .So many people told me you were manipultauing me , i did not believe them... .you used friends in my circle to gain favor, and manipulated them into thinking you were such a special woamn and totally fooled them,, making me out to be some insensitvie jerk,, I lost friends cuz of you,, as for you tainted them... .They were not lofe long friends, who truly know me well, but new friends i enjoyed and was beginning to enjoy in my life... and you ruined that... you smeared my name in church... .you runied my relationship with your family, and father,, telling them i was abusive to you and hitting you... .such BS... .you said you would change and how sorry you wwere and came back into my mife and said you wanted to be a wife, and i let you back n only to be shortly , abused, demascualted, and treated so awful, and attacked of my character, maseterfully playing again, people of the church against me,...   my new beginning i was making for myself without you, and i shared it with you believeing in you, yt again,. and poof a big fricking blow up in my face... see you totally masterful in your crafty work...   amking me out to lok like the one wiht mental illeness when i was so heartbroeken and devestated by the horrid ways you would destroy us...   the push the pull,, the cold sex. the lies,,

I left you,, when i still loved you,, from the woman i thought i totally married,, i guess i was still in the honeymoon phase... .and at times,, while here amongst friends, that i turly wanted to share with you... .I cannot, and i hate that i miss you,,  having thoughts that somehow we could be happy,  and that now you have a job and a career that somehoe everyhting will be different,, because you always wanted me to believe it was some outer event or issues that was causing you to treat me the way you were... and i was so naive believeing in you,, because there always seemd to be a hint of truth in what you were saying,. 

I ahte i still cry for you,, even today,, sitting around the campfire and with some of my oldest friends that you never met and i wanted to share,, and i am alone,, wondering what you are doing... knwoing you are close... and have invaded my new town... why,  why the hit_ are you still here... .go away... .  how in the helll did you become a autistic specialist for the city... .how the hell do you do this,. I am sure there are tons of guys wanting you,, becuase you are so very beautiful,, i always admired your very natural beauty... and we could never go anywhwere without someone giving you a complimant,. so i know, you are probably not thinking of me today, and i hate that my heart stilll loves you. 

Dear P,

I think of you on this day because of the huge lie you had me believing about last Thanksgiving. This one is way different. I know the truth now. Because i know the truth i write this.

I forgive you.

I accept what i brought to the relationship. I accept that I wasn't what you envisioned me to be. I accept I couldn't be what you wanted. I accept that my own issues played right into our relationship dynamic. I accept my part in this and I forgive myself.

I feel sorry for you. I would hate to live that life. I cannot imagine what it must be like to grow up in your situation with your father leaving you at such an important age. I feel bad that your mother passed away early on. I feel bad that you have no contact with your sister. I feel bad that all that you told me was twisted and made you appear the victim. That played perfectly though with my rescuer and caretaking codependency. I feel bad that I played that part in your life. I truly am sorry you are the eternal victim.

I'm sorry that I allowed myself to behave in reaction to you instead of interacting with you. I am ashamed of how I reacted when i know myself better than that and that i let my boundaries be crossed. I'm sorry because that just fed your mindset more. I'm sorry that when you told me your the boss of me I didn't stand up to you and tell you to piss off. I thought you were being cute I didn't at the time realize you really believed it. I'm sorry that I let you behave the way you did with me. I should have walked a long time ago.

It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful that we are not together anymore because I wouldn't be able to witness your approach to life, family, friends and me. I am thankful you have found someone else and i really do hope that he is your magic cure. You deserve a life better than what you have carved out through your tribulations. I forgive the way you blamed me for everything, i forgive you couldn't control your sexual desires and felt the need to sleep with other men. I forgive the fact that you suffer from your black and white thinking. i forgive the fact that you have no emotional regulation and everything is blown out of proportion. I forgive the fact you blew our social circle apart and alienated many of our friends. I forgive the fact that there is no gray area that is quite a comfortable place to be sometimes. I forgive that you have the emotional reactions of a four year old. I forgive the fact you laid that all upon me. I forgive the fact that i was your personal Jesus Christ. I forgive the fact that you made me pay for the sins of your father, your 3 ex husbands, and all the other men you have vilified in your life to me, and your vilification of me. I forgive the fact that you have to live in a victim role that must be a very hard place to maintain. I forgive the fact that you cannot see that your life is the way it is because you can't see what you contribute to it. I'm sorry that your life circumstances set the groundwork for your dysfunction it wasn't your fault. But your 41 now. I forgive the fact that the mask you wore was to hide who you really are. I would have accepted you regardless. However, I forgive you for pretending to be someone you really weren't.

I forgive you. I will always love you and have a special place in my heart just not my head. I will never see you again. i will never be your friend, I will never forget what you put us through. But i do forgive you with love.

I wish you the best this Thanksgiving and going forward. I hope that your life turns out to be the magical make believe life you dream of. Unfortunately that takes a lot of personal work that you lack the intestinal fortitude to do. I know that God forgives you for that and so do I. Your just not strong enough. It's ok. It's your life to live as you choose. I'm sorry I didn't fit in it. I am also very grateful i didn't.

I miss you, I love you I forgive you, and I release you.

G

Yep!  Me too!  I have friends that, bless their hearts, STILL listen to me go on and on - beating the dead horse, but I wonder when they're gonna cut me off! 

I have gone as far as handing my cell phone over to someone for a few days.  I don't have a house phone, and I work in an environment where there are multiple phones to reach me, so I've actually unplugged my office phone.  If I get an email from him, I delete it before I read it.  If I get a voice mail from him on my phone, I delete it before I have any chance to listen to it.  I have him blocked from texting me - both ingoing and outgoing texts which is great if you slip up and drunk text one night.

Speaking of drunk texting, I stopped drinking for now - not that I was an alcoholic, but I sure drank a lot when I was with him and gained weight, too.  I also had to stop hanging out with his alcoholic friends, who are all losers.  They loved me, but they're losers. 

The biggest thing of all for me is GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.  I would cry, text, call, text, call, cry, text, call, etc... .when I was tired more than anything.  Turn your phone off at night, take naps when you can - it's really helped me. 

This is a great idea though - a place to vent here before breaking NC.  Thanks!

Goodbye R,

You are getting married tomorrow to a woman you have known for 9 months. You wanted that with me once, and I wanted it as well, although you didn't believe it. I don't know who you are. You have been so many people in the 2 1/2 yrs I have known you.

I hope you and your bride have some happiness together before your sickness ruins it all. One thing I do know- I truly loved you. All of you and all your masks. With all my being. You didn't appreciate that and that makes me sad.

Goodbye and I will always love you.

I need to join this post also- I keep brealing Nc and all it does is hurt and destroy me, I am losing myself, it has been almots 3 years- I have ousted most of my friends and given up most hobbies, gotta get that back.

MOst times I wait for her to come over or call and she seldom comes over, but at times she will call ever hour sometimes more

Made it past yesterday. I guess seeing all my old friends and new couples in love really had a sadend affect on me. It sparked more grief in me. Made me miss you, as for being newly weds you would think we would spend a holiday together, you were not here last year neither when you decided to take off, so this is the second year i have missed you...

I wonder if you think of me... or am i still painted black?

I have a sense that i will never here from you again... ever... I think you truly hav moved on and i am blacker than black this time around... as for this time i left you, and knwoing your abandoment issues, i truly hurt you and became your worst fear... But i know you were contantly pushing me to this point to see if i would do as your father has done to you,, and i became your self fulfilled prophecy.

This is truly not what i wanted to do but had no other choice, as for i was dying. my spirit was dying. and i was not equipped to fix you, and or to have the strenght to continue on any longer...

It hurt like hell to leave you,, knwoing my heart was breaking, and knwoing that you did not see it coming, as for i beenw in ways wrapped around your finger, so you thought, and totally taken for granted...

I now am in the town where we got marrried and shared many wonderful memories... I shared this treasue with you, knowng that any wife would love it here, for the community is awesome and the way the town hearts beats and all the liberal arts and natural food stores aare bountifull.  including the natural resources and amazing outdoor activivites...

There is now wonder you have not left here... its what i knew you needed and wshed for to bless our marriage. to be the most awesome and amazinf husband and woman could ever ask for... But you killed it...

and took it for yourself... yesterday was tough. but i am better now. i feel like i can walk boldy here now and not really worry about seeing you or who you miht be with... I loved you truly, and you may never know that... if you are in a good place its becuase of the love i had for you and the road i paved for you to have the dreams you so desired... you see , i listend to your heart, and took note of the things that you cherished.  without you knwoing my heart paved the road for you.  but you will never know this. you see it as your own works and foxy. ways.

Fine you took over my church, my dance halls, my dream for us. and yes you are probably right another man will be taking my place, and reaping my rewards as you have so deliberatly have pierced into my soul.  But i know this i have been truly the best man you have ever had in your life.  Im sorry to have had to leave you, the way i did,, but you neevr cherished me. you dnt know how to love me. I have cried and cried, and cursed the things i belived in... i truly thought i could save you, i could fix you, that the love i had in my heart would restore you, and be the love of your life as you once thought of me as... too quicly be the worst thing in your life,, to be kicked to the curb. and not even given the chance to be spoken with.

Today, i am better than i have been in weeks,, yes i dovrced you, you never even showed up to the court date...

I have felt guilty, because i thought i was leaving a little girl stranded... but that has seem to be some facade also, as for now i am gone, and you are soaring like a eagle so you lead others to belive, and maybe you are,, but its not that poor little helpless girl that you portrayed to me to manipulate me woth your ways... to suck the spirit and life out of me... .

I wish you well, F... i free myself of you, i am getting better... others are interested in me already... sounds so vain. but they see the goodness in me, and now i see the FOG has been lifting, you were the most beutiful woman i ever spent time with physically, i still think so, but beuaty runs skin deep... You have truly hurt me the worst. and like others i see where my rescue issues and knight in shiny armor issues worked welll with your dysfunction...

I love, you, and my heart is letting go...

posting again, more of the same, except she is calling my work now, mo problems as it is a holdiday and only me and one other pefrson are her.

I really think the only hope for my situation will be a leagl one

I know that being able to vent,say what you always wanted to say is important but is saying it on this thread,this forum, really achieving anything?

Its good to get it out there but if the pwBPD is not standing in front of you,listening,reacting, then whats the point?

You might as well be sitting on the toilet talking to the back of the toilet door for all the good it does... .then again the toilet door would probably give you more feedback thats makes sense than your ex ever will!

Your not talking to them,your talking to yourselves and wasting time and energy,time and energy you should be spending on yourselves, imho.

No contact.