Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: betsy boo 87 on November 28, 2010, 04:46:00 AM

Title: no closure and more lies
Post by: betsy boo 87 on November 28, 2010, 04:46:00 AM
why why why ! long story cut short was with udBPDbf for five years had 3 children before i met him have never in my 41 years on this earth seen anyone so good at lying and manipulating ever we were going through a rough patch  lol in fact the whole relationship was one long rough patch but none the less i did love him but a couple of weeks ago he came over owed me money and wanted to talk i ended it well you can imagine tears sort of tantrum threw himself on the floor curled into a ball and cried begged me not to leave him pleading with my eldest daughter tell your mom not to leave give me another chance bla bla bla so i told him 2 months he had to make some headway he was over the moon promises to me and the kids my youngest its her birthday today and he promised to get her a blackberry 2 days later he goes home and then rings me to tell me hes of to poland with the guys i tell him poland or me silence i then return his belongings an dhave heard nothing not a word which to be honest is a damn site easier than the abusive phonecalls i used to get

but the thing that has made me mad is its my daughters birthday today and shes her nothing no happy birthday no present no nothing shes upset of course hes been in her life since she was 7 years old now she wants me to contact him and ask him why i do not want to do this as i think its what he is expecting he nos which of my buttons to push and how to get to me but of course im bad mum now and its all my fault but i am willing to take this am i right i would be a fool to break no contact as hes giving me the silent treatment which i used to hate but now enjoy as i keeps me sane and free please tell me im right and its just want of his games i no he could be evil with me but not my kids in a way im glad for me but sad for her but i do fear its just another game am i right  

Title: Re: no closure and more lies
Post by: 2010 on November 28, 2010, 05:44:03 AM
3 scenarios:

1) It's over. He's gone. He will no longer be contacting you. You take note of this and pass the information along to your child. Both of you begin to grieve the relationship.  You pick up the pieces and begin to draw boundaries against his return. In time, you will heal.

2) He's not gone. He's just being passive aggressive against you but is using your child's Birthday to hurt you- with little thought given to your child. He decides to take out his aggression on you in a form of passive punishment against you while triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) your child. You are now a persecutor and he is a victim- your child is also a victim that he can rescue. He has every intention to have your child side with him (once you contact him) to save your child from being victimized by this behavior.  The blame will be yours that he missed the Birthday.  Your child will not understand this and will unite with him against a common enemy- you.

3) He's not gone but he's filled with hatred for both you and your child. His silent treatment is directed at punishing the both of you.  Your child will not understand this and will worry that somehow, they got punished for nothing. When you contact him again, your child will not understand how to resolve this inner conflict and will likely avoid both of you because of confusion.

I think #1 has the best opportunity for advancement out of crazy acres. |iiii

Title: Re: no closure and more lies
Post by: betsy boo 87 on November 28, 2010, 04:35:45 PM
thank you 2010 for ypur insight you seem to think that im being punished every way which at the moment i feel like i am but its seems like im in a lose lose situation here in one you say prepare me and my children for the end yet you say be ready for his return and yet in situations 2 and 3 im being punished why in one do you say hel return my t thinks he will return she says when he feels like i suffered enough hel suprise me with his games again and you seem to think so to whats with all the games with BPDs do they not no anything else   in most relationships after 5 years you would expect closure he doesnt cheat or anything hes hermit like in someways scared to do anything and hid behind me most of the time hes 34 and im his only girlfriend hes had none have stayed past three month    but even a you hit_ after i droped his stuff of at his brothers i would have expected that but nothing at all hes a master of the games though sets up all kinds of tricks very good at setting the scene very good so i shouldnt be suprised he plays the victim very well youngest child of four mom kicked him out at 6 never went home again brought up by the state on our first date he told me his life story and maintains to hate his mother she died at 43 a beaten alcoholic whats angered me most is the day after i forgave him he made the promise to her i wont forget your birthday kid 28 nov its engraved on my brain he knew it would upset her i wont let her call him which is what he expects me to do or for me to fire of an angry text to him i wont do it so im bad mum to her and probably the biggest hit_ to him  a lose lose situation

Title: Re: no closure and more lies
Post by: 2010 on November 28, 2010, 07:53:07 PM
here in one you say prepare me and my children for the end yet you say be ready for his return and yet in situations 2 and 3 im being punished

You are in control now. It is your decision- not his. These are 3 scenarios- #2 and #3 give him control (of you, your child and your future.) The only way out is to take #1 at heart and make plans to put up a wall to prevent his return. You also need to address why you feel he needs you in his life to hide behind and why you feel that you are his only outlet to the outside World. That is a great deal of responsibility he's given to you and it must come bundled with some guilt that he manipulates in you to cause your continued interaction.

Title: Re: no closure and more lies
Post by: betsy boo 87 on December 01, 2010, 06:42:53 AM
than 2010  i dont no why he hides behind me told me i reminded him of his mom she was afraid of no one he says she was afraid of being sober though this man is 34 years old history of drug addiction never had a job has one long term friend the games he has played with me have drove me insane moving house in the begining hates my friends when my father was dying he was a complete ass when he chopped my finger of in a taxi door in turkey he was hysterical and cos i was calm he said i was hard as nails hes jealous of my son and my two daughters he sets up games so well says my son plays manipulation gratification games with me which i have no idea hat that means right now im depressed this i no im out of the madness and i can see that this guy new i was ripe for the picking i was raped 5 months before we got together and i told him and god did he play that one bought me underware asked me to put it on then told me he changrd his mined when i confronted him as to how this made me feel he said he had no idea we live 60 miles away but when he comes he talks hit_ if he comes to work to see me i work in a bar he tells me that he can hear people talking about me and saying im a hit_ and they dont like me and how my boss hates me he can tell by the way she looks at me and shes using me this game has been relentless for 5 years the constant drip feed of poison into my mind im in therapy have been for 5 years since my attack was raped as a child of 4 to so i have a lott of issues to deal with but im strong and for this he hates me in the senarios you gave me everyone says to prepare for his return why ! do they always come back this man is sick at mine games has attacked me once but didnt get far said he couldnt stand me being with someone else and he have to kill me games games my father was very very NPD and when i took him to meet him he told me to get rid immediately as he was a very sick man he said it takes one to no one and that he would not rest until he would control me and my father never let him over his doorstep again he is also a tiny man at my father funeral his friends were there all boxers he hid out of the way till they were gone never understood this on nights out he would get so drunk i had to take him home or hed be sick or just flip out and start screaming about somthing he would let me be on my own with his family at partys always stood behind me keeps hold of the back of my pants flipped out many times at his family dos over nothing and they say nothing just let him do it its me that stands up to him there all female his moms sisters and he guilt trips them all for his childhood as you can see i have been through it with this guy who professes undying love to me and whom i loved so much in the begining and still do a little its 4 week no contact now so why would he return and will i need to be ready for him or will i never see him again  my-issues