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I don't get this either but our sex lives have been awesome ... .That is what I"m already starting to think about ... .UGH! ... .

Hello All.

A few brief words. I went thru a very painful breakup last year around this time. Regarding "alternate thought patterns", I will suggest two things that helped me.

1. Prayer. It may sound corny, but as someone else stated, during these times, people are looking for a small miracle (getting rid of the crap that BPD people leave you with).

2. Anthony Robbins materials.  Very inspirational life coach. Some of his stuff you may find fluffy, but frankly, you can't argue with results.  The beauty is that goal setting, etc, applies to all people, especially in this situation. I would strongly recommend "Personal Power II" (you can find it on ebay or amazon for ~$75 -- a set of 30 CD's ~15 hours of material --- well worth the investment.  If you aren't going to invest in yourself, then who is?).  I like the CDs because you can listen to them in the car on the way to work.  But be prepared to do some real mental sweating.  This stuff really makes you think about... .You.  If you like books, I would suggest "Awaken the Giant Within" by the same author. 

Please note, I don't own stock in the company. I'm just someone who benefited tremendously from this material.  I think it's helpful for all people, but especially for those struggling to move beyond a BPD relationship.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Does anybody think getting into a sexual relationship would help us not have these thoughts?  Would having great sex with someone else make us forget and help us move on?

Probably not ... .you might even think of the ex while doing it with someone else ?

Also ... .it might be hard for you to have "great sex" unless the other person knows that you want to sleep with them to help you not have any thoughts about someone else ... .that kind of sounds like something that many of our exes would do.

Isn't that how you came into this current relationship, through triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)? And the experience was eventful? You state you are going to end your marriage with integrity, that's a fine quality and it begins with going through with the divorce, working out the abandonment issues in therapy and building a new life, preferably one without triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) others. Going it alone is the best option at this point, otherwise your energy is wasted on quick fixes with little to no long term solutions.

Does anybody think getting into a sexual relationship would help us not have these thoughts?  Would having great sex with someone else make us forget and help us move on?

No I dont think this would work the same as if would turning to drink lessen our pain and help us forget.I would be waiting for the the sex to wane and for him to show his true self just as it happened with me and my ex.Ultimately we would just be using that person for our own selfish ends.What you need is time.Time on your own to get your head straight and become emotionally well again.

Isn't that just using another person to make yourself feel better?  Quite honestly, I think that's what my ex did with me.  Apparently he was just coming off his relationship with his psycho ex gf when he sought me out.  Nice recipe for disaster for me. 

Like I suppose if you can find someone who's just a **** buddy who wants nothing more than that, it might make you feel better, at least during the act. 

I understand anyone's need for sex, we all have that to varying degrees, but does great sex either constitute or negate a relationship?  Is it going to make all that relationship stuff just go away?   

Sometimes there seems to be a disconnect between the act, the people involved, and the relationship. 

As far as living with a real person with feelings and emotions, think about it when you think about your BPD.  Living with a lifeless person, sex in the latter stages wasn't much fun, basically get done and no mess.  WOW  what happened to the fun times, never have them again.  Wasnt that much fun anyways, sex with someone that was like a robot, no emotions, no feelings, kissing was not very affectionate. I see all the bs I was involved in, nothing real, nothing happy, nothing worth being miserable about... .   Vampires... .The only reason I stayed with her was for the sex, I know this for sure now, and I know it went away and never came back after I chased her a bit.  I broke up with her after the luring and cuddling stage,  I couldnt stand the neediness.  SHe played the jealousy game with me soon after, it made me think I really did care, and I gave in and tried to be the best bf I could be, big mistake, took me over... .   Remove yourself from them and all of the real thoughts and feelings that you should of been feeling come back.  Let your brain recycle the relationship with the new brain thoughts.  WHAT REALLY was going on, then the thoughts won't hurt, they are just scars that need time to heal... .  I have ptsd, i know it, and Im going to deal with it... .  ONE DAY AT A TIME !

I don't have the same desire with sex with my BPD as some. The sex was great until I went from split white to black. Sex was never the same for me after that. I even turned her down several times and boy did things get ugy then. I don't understand how you can have great sex and not feel emotionally connected. Maybe some of you are better at blocking out the raging than I am but when I have sombody telling me I'm the source of all their pain and misery on this earth than telling me they want sex two hours later... .I suppose it wouldn'tmatter if I just wanted sex but sht... .I really loved this woman. 

I know you are right, but I am so weak in this department.  I need to break this cycle, I know I do or it will destroy me and also hurt others. 

I seem to acknowledge I have abandonment issues, and maybe even realize why, but it doesn't seem to help knowing why, or maybe I haven't touched on it fully yet.  I just want some beautiful, caring woman to be with me for companionship, sex and maybe validation I am worthy.  God I sound like a BPD now, but I know once I have that I try to keep it not ___ it up by creating mayhem.  I want peace and harmony with a woman I admire and love. 

This is a subject that  keep keeps coming up... .but has it ever occured to anyone that misses the sex, that you were there and a part of it as well. Sure they were hot, but so were you... .it takes two to get it going like that... .

The other thing is that sex between partners is something that should get better over time. well i can say for a fact that with my ex BPD, once the emotional games and the abuse started the good sex went out the window... .she used to lie on the couch watching tv, then wave her hand in the air and say i want sex now, no vibe, no energy... .she could of been asking for the remote... .so the sex became a chore, oh and didn;t i get blamed for that one as well... .sigh... .  there is a natural progression and once the damage has been healed, we will all meet someone that we will connect with on a sexual and emotional level and then, like me, i'm going to start having the best sex ever... .i own myself that... .so who ever she is, well aint she going to love my enthusiam... muhahaha

besides,i took notes, it was great sex at the start ... .the one thing about the BPD idiolisation, is that being healthy normal people, we can take that part of it and use it for good when the time comes  and not like BPD'érs who use it out of desperation, sadness and because they lack self worth and use it for validation... .poor hit_s, they really are the saddest... . 

That is true.  I think we get so beaten down by the abuse that our self esteem is shattered.  Funny, but my BPDw would constantly say how I abused her, took her for granted and made her feel worthless.  She would also say I shattered her self esteem.  Meanwhile, she was doing all this TO ME!  It was the weirdest thing.



Yeah, pretty similar.  We'd argue then she would want sex.  I'd be so p*ssed off that I wasn't in the mood anymore.  She'd complain she needed it for a "release" so she could relax and sleep better.  I usually complied, but I felt like I was being used as a vibrator.


That is the key.  Fix the damage and take same time to heal.



The funny thing is we had great sex for most of our three and a half year r/s.  Yes there were times when she was in one of her moods and splitting that we didn't.  But, in general,  Pretty good.  It did decline in quality from the beginning, but then we'd have glimpses of the old sex life.  I think we are just objects to them though, as one time not too long ago we had a good go at it and afterwards she said, ":)amn, you're a good ___."  I felt that was a bit odd for a woman to say and I felt a little used by it.

I have allowed myself to get involved with my BPD partner.  I tried to make not about the sex, but it certainly always comes back to that.  In fact, that is the number one favorable distinguishing feature of this relationship vs. all other relationships I have had.

So why did I allow myself to get into this, and to still be in it.  I too have a sexual addiction.  I do not think its related to me having BPD, but I suppose that is possible.  But I am learning that as long as I let my little head continue to think for my big head, I am going to continue to make decisions based upon emotions rather than facts.  And that is causing me all kinds of secondary grief.

So how to control my sexual urges, fantasies, etc for a healthier life?  That is the million dollar question for me.