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Title: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: pdoll on January 10, 2011, 09:43:27 AM
Seems like a recurring question here.

Mine denies that he cheated, but admits that he spent the night at his ex-girlfriend's house when he told me that he was at his dad's.


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Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: ArtistGuy70 on January 10, 2011, 11:57:09 AM
Let's see.

Mine was secretly having an affair with her married boss years before I came along.

During our time together she:

1. denied that she ever had a thing with him

2. had him come over her house a few times to fix something

3. made sure we never met

4. kept me away from any XMas parties at their job

5. went off with him when we went on a break (It's how I finally found out and got proof)

6. got all the time off she wanted

7. kept her job when they were doing massive layoffs

8. ran to him for money

9. got food from him for our XMas dinner, supplies for her side biz

Hmmmm. And when caught, she lied, lied and lied some more

By the time I gave her back her crap, she admitted to screwing him BUT never when we were together.

Yeah. Right. Anytime she opened her mouth, a new lie came out. Sad. I gave five years to this woman.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: left4good on January 10, 2011, 12:18:36 PM
mine did... .

Left


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Travis on January 10, 2011, 12:24:08 PM
I am not sure, but I suspect she did.  She certainly adores attention from men, and can easilty attract them, so 2+2 usually = 4. 


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: myself on January 10, 2011, 12:35:45 PM
Mine did not. She was faithful as far as that goes. But did end up betraying our friendship, and our Love, in other ways? Yes. Her pattern seems to be to go from one person to the next, not always one right after another right away, but, there's a pattern there. So she will move on to someone new, after awhile. And sad to say, the patterns will still be there, and the relationship most likely will not work out. Neither one of us cheated on each other, in the way you are asking here. But we both were cheated out of a real good loving relationship by the illness that's involved. Sigh... .


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: restoredsight on January 10, 2011, 12:38:18 PM
I can't be sure. The signs pointed towards yes. She was starting something with a guy, in any case, and the texts that I read indicated that I was garbage and he was "studly". I'm sure she was capable if she felt unhappy with a relationship, and I honestly don't know what might have come first - the cheating and the rationalization, or the splitting and the triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0). Same results though.

Thing is, that the lies hurt me more than any idea of another guy. I did my best for her and most guys aren't going to come close. In my mind, no money or gifts will equal the time, effort, compassion, care, and absolute love that I tried to show her. I'm not rich, and I feel the gifts I did give her meant more since they came from the heart.

I offered to overlook anything she did if she'd just work on things. It was an offer I'll never make to another human being. I also begged her to get therapy, literally on my knees. I would only have done that for her.

I wasn't perfect, but I did my best, and my best was better than many people will be capable of.



Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Travis on January 10, 2011, 12:49:57 PM
I offered to overlook anything she did if she'd just work on things. It was an offer I'll never make to another human being. I also begged her to get therapy, literally on my knees. I would only have done that for her.

I wasn't perfect, but I did my best, and my best was better than many people will be capable of.

Chad.  That is TRUE LOVE right there buddy.  I would have done the same thing.  I'm in the same mindset.  Never again.  I will never give control of my life and happiness to another human being again. 


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: NewStart on January 10, 2011, 01:32:12 PM
Hmmm, my first  |> should have been that she was an admitted adulterer... .she had cheated on her ex-husband and that had been the end of her marriage... .

As for when she was with me, well she never admitted it but there were a couple of times she probably did... .you be the judge.

First time, she was mad at me for imagined abandonment issues and dropped off the radar one night after raging at me, before this we were ALWAYS in contact and never spent time apart.  Next day she said she went home and went to sleep and just wasn't answering my calls or messages.  About a month later while raging she said, "What do you think I was doing that night, I was out getting laid!"  Of course she said that she just said that out of anger and went back to her old story... .then I found a text from an exbf (the only one that ever broke her heart) that said "I miss you", so I confronted her again.  This time she said that yes that night she was with him but nothing happened they had just talked all night and she was sorry she should have told me... . ?

Second time, she was mad at me again because I was going out of town on a fishing trip and she let me know it, again with the abandonment.  The day I got back I went to her house and we were hanging out in her living room when her dog brought me a sock... .a mans sock... .and it wasn't mine.  When I asked her about it she denied anything, I was paranoid and I should know about assumptions etc etc... .deny deny deny etc etc.  But I pushed back as I could just tell she was not being completely honest... .finally she said, ok it was exbf's sock (same ex as before, the only one to ever break her heart).  Yes he was there, but he just showered there before they went to a concert and then after the concert he just went home... .

And of course all of this turned into I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm, I'm, I'm... .

Looking back... .all I was was an idiot... .I should have been long gone after the first episode... .


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Travis on January 10, 2011, 01:38:38 PM
And of course all of this turned into I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm, I'm, I'm... .

Looking back... .all I was was an idiot... .I should have been long gone after the first episode... .

That's what mine did.  She tried to manipulate and control me threatening me with other men before and after we were married, then when I would ask her about it, she'd say I was jealous and driving her to be with other men because I was always talking about it.   ?


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: left4good on January 10, 2011, 02:10:33 PM
Excerpt
driving her to be with other men because I was always talking about it.

well if this really works then i'm not going to stop talking about my sons being linebackers for the Steelers!   :)

Left


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: At Bay on January 10, 2011, 03:00:24 PM
The liar probably did cheat on me, and he can justify anything in his own mind. Having good character isn't his history either. I've always been faithful because I think it is a big risk to one's children to start that mess. Better to get a divorce. I think he likes the feeling he's getting away with something.

At Bay


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Tincup on January 10, 2011, 03:09:01 PM
you know I came to this board because of my UexGF.  She never cheated on me, or gave me any indication that she would.  She was always more of a waif.  She always said she didn't like, trust, or wanted anything to do with men EXCEPT for me.  Damn I wish I wasn't colorblind and could see red flags.



Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Mouse10 on January 10, 2011, 03:11:13 PM
My stbxBPDh never cheated but uses a lot of internet pornography and has threatened to cheat and/or force me into sex.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: deb4321 on January 10, 2011, 03:49:34 PM
yes. he was still with his ex gf when we started dating. we met/started dating in july and she wasn't moved out of his house till september (he hid this from me). He cheated with another woman in september, then in October he cheated again with several ads he placed online. he also found a new gf a month before he moved out of my house. i am sure there are several other instances when he cheated but i just dont know about them. also, he was constantly looking at porn online, etc... .i am not sure i view this as "cheating" although his obsession with it was a little excessive and creepy (teenager stuff, etc... .)


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Valentine09 on January 10, 2011, 04:29:45 PM
Mine would say that she slept in another guys bed, but that it didn't go any further than that.  Yeah right, like I'm going to believe that.  She was very adamant about saying she didn't have sex, meaning going all the way to intercourse, when in fact she performed oral sex on guys. I had to drag this out of her.  She'd say, "We didn't have sex, but did other stuff."  Yep, she liked to keep it vague. This was very heartbreaking for me because I'm waiting for marriage for that and she kept telling me how she wanted to keep our relationship pure.  Sickens me that she was off dirtying herself on the side and ruining any future we might have.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: PotentiallyKevin on January 10, 2011, 04:49:52 PM
Yes. Multiple times throughout our 3 year relationship - nevertheless, she was accusing me nonstop of cheating on her. Go figure.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Crystal Ball on January 10, 2011, 05:01:43 PM
My uBPDxbf was as spiritual man and never cheated or even gave me the inkling of cheating... .however, he certainly accused me of 'emotionally cheating' for any reason he thought fit his accusation (something so simple as being tired on the phone).


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Travis on January 10, 2011, 05:04:28 PM
Yes. Multiple times throughout our 3 year relationship - nevertheless, she was accusing me nonstop of cheating on her. Go figure.

Classic PROJECTION.  Mine did the same thing.  Although I have no proof and now really don't care to get any.  She's a low life.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: NHBeachBum on January 10, 2011, 05:25:01 PM
Does a bear poop in the woods?

Of course - twice that I knew about - once with some guy & another time with 2 girls.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: SlipKnot on January 10, 2011, 08:13:11 PM
of course mine cheated, many times. i'm pretty sure it started very early on, within the first year of our marriage. worse than the cheating was that she made me responsible for her cheating. and worse even than that is that i believed her then. she said i drove her to it and that i should actually be grateful to her and the guy for allowing me to be father to the baby they made.

she would threaten to cheat if i didnt do something she wanted and properly cheat to punish me for whatever indiscretion i was supposedly guilty of. and yes, she too draws a distinction between intercourse (cheating) and anything else (not cheating).

SK


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: msmod on January 11, 2011, 04:25:31 AM
Yes.  Three times that I knew of and probably more than that.  It's kind of like roaches. ;p

My xBPD will never be faithful.  Ever. 


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: naiveorstupid on January 11, 2011, 04:54:18 AM
My XuBPDh confessed only after I received a lab bill for STD testing. Then he "confessed" to a ONS 20 years prior. Now folks, I can be a bit naive and stupid but not THAT naive or stupid. Yes msmod, it's exactly like rats!


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: naiveorstupid on January 11, 2011, 04:55:00 AM
OOPS, misquoted you msmod. Like roaches is what I should have said.


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: man34 on January 11, 2011, 09:08:48 PM
yes mine cheated on her husband with me... .i know its awful... .then she turned around and while cheating on her husband with me... .she made plans to cheat on me with another guy... .i found out in time and read all the chat and emails she was having with this other guy... .she knew this new guy for 3 days and they were already having rampant phone sex... .that was the biggest disappointment for me... .on one end i was her soulmate (and she really meant it)... .and on the other hand all this stuff... .happy i made the best decision in my life and left her for good... .i always loved her, and will always do... .but not like this... .


Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: really on December 10, 2012, 05:47:10 AM
yes, with at least 2 people, probably more... .couldn't admit to it though.  just refused to say the words... .but she did.   no doubt at all.   

Good luck to her.   she needs to face herself each day and live with that.   I couldn't.

All i can say is that I truly hope that she never has to face the pain of that sort of betrayal.   She has been let down by people she trusted before but i suspect not in the sick to your core type pain that leaves you emotionally crippled and physically ill for the best part of a year.  No one deserves that.   Not even her.

I suspect her pain will come in many years to come if not before but the door is closed on that now.    Time to forget, forgive.  I can say I did genuinely love her and the best way of showing that is to walk away in peace.



Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: waitaminute on December 10, 2012, 07:28:30 AM
Like a 12th house Venus, she had her secret lovers. And once ... .When she was really feeling the love for me, she said "you shall be my secret lover" :)

It was a sincere gesture of love from a woman who will always have secret lovers.

It's her nature.


Title: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Azrimic on March 14, 2017, 04:07:54 AM
I know there's already a cheating thread running, but I have a question and didn't want to take that thread off topic... .

I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: FallenOne on March 14, 2017, 04:20:39 AM
Have they ever given you the silent treatment for a few days, or "broken up" with you and needed some space for a week or two? Maybe a month? Has there ever been radio silence while you're away or at work? Have their stories ever added up or made sense?

Pretty much any time that you weren't around, that's when they were cheating.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were texting their other lover while you were hanging out, and then as soon as you part ways, they were hanging out with them.

They are very tactical and calculating with this stuff... .and it can take years to even realize something might be going on.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Azrimic on March 14, 2017, 04:23:02 AM
Nope, she has never given me the silent treatment.  She would inundate me with texts and messages.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Azrimic on March 14, 2017, 04:24:45 AM
Although having said that, when we started dating she was living with her ex still, who hated me so I wasn't allowed in the flat if she was there... .


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: FallenOne on March 14, 2017, 04:26:32 AM
You may not have noticed it, but it happened.

Don't be fooled by them.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: heartandwhole on March 14, 2017, 04:32:39 AM
I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case? 

No I don't. We can't take an individual with a personality disorder (or traits) and lump them into a category in which we can predict what they will do, are doing, have done. It just doesn't work.

Many, many people cheat, BPD or not. If we knew every person with BPD personally, and asked them to tell us if they ever cheated (and we somehow knew they were telling the truth), then we might be able to answer that question.

The disorder is marked by unstable emotions, a weak sense of self, impulsive actions, and fear of abandonment. Would that make it perhaps likely that given the opportunity, especially when feeling insecure about their relationship, that a pwBPD would latch onto another person for emotional support (including connecting sexually)? I think one could argue that it might. But we can't say ALL. That's like saying that ALL "Nons" are co-dependent, white-knighters, controlling, or narcissistic.

Azrimic, your ex sounds like she was very dependent on you. Do you have any reason to think that she cheated on you?

heartandwhole


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Azrimic on March 14, 2017, 04:43:39 AM
Do you have any reason to think that she cheated on you?
heartandwhole
No, but then I'm just now starting to realise just how much of what she said to me was lies.  It has rather shaken my trust in myself, in my ability to judge people.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: heartandwhole on March 14, 2017, 04:48:56 AM
No, but then I'm just now starting to realise just how much of what she said to me was lies.  It has rather shaken my trust in myself, in my ability to judge people.

I hear you. That happened to me, too. It was difficult and painful. If you can, try to stay focused on yourself and what you need to recover from this. I know it's not easy to do, but it will help a lot. Breaking up with someone with BPD can really affect our self-esteem and self-trust, but with time, these insecurities will pass—they did for me, and others, too.

Hang in there! 

heartandwhole


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: alwayswrong4 on March 14, 2017, 10:19:20 AM
I know there's already a cheating thread running, but I have a question and didn't want to take that thread off topic... .

I read a few comments in the other thread that said pwBPD  ALWAYS cheat, that they ALL do, have or will.

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?

My girlfriend was with me 24/7 for almost 2 years. She was only away from me for a total of 10 nights when she went to visit her sick Mother in florida. She had no car to use while she was there, yet I do believe the one guy she new 3 hours away from her parents in florida. She cheated on me with. I also believe she was having an emotional affair via her phone.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Pretty Woman on March 14, 2017, 10:49:02 AM
Not ALL cheat but there is a high incidence of those that do.

Mine was a cheater. As FallenOne stated, I experienced the same thing almost verbatim. Mine would break up with me and disappear for a few weeks, a month at a time. It would be sudden and she would cut all contact, even change her number and threaten RO's on me. She would suddenly be on Match, or dating someone in our social group. When she realized it wasn't working or started getting overwhelmed by the "new attachment" she'd run back to me leaving those people confused as heck and in the same boat I was in.

I could always tell when there was interest in someone else. She would pick fights with me and say we should take a break. Her personality would be distant and very snappy. She'd be in the corner texting someone or all of a sudden put a lock on her phone.

Taking a break was ALWAYS to explore her other options (people she was secretly speaking to that were actual romantic interests). For the longest time I thought she was "reconnecting" with old friends. Turns out it was exes going through breakups or exes who were all of a sudden single and she was trying to get back with them. She would tell me she was going back to "the one who got away" or "the love of her life" but she would leave me for DIFFERENT PEOPLE EACH TIME.
Boy did she have  ALOT OF "Love of her life's"!
 :)
She once broke up with me right before the holidays to run off to spend time with her "best friend", an ex (but of course). When that person came down with the flu and cancelled on her, all of a sudden she was crawling back to me begging me to take her back.

It took me a long time to realize what she was doing. It took me close to four years.

Even if yours is a stage four clinger be wary of that "best friend" in the wings she talks about or the ex she is overly friendly with. In many cases these are romantic interests and part of her "rotation". Also watch if she is constantly texting others while with you, especially on vacations or any extended trip where you are spending more than normal time together. I found out on MANY trips my ex was texting other exes telling them how terrible I was, begging them to rescue her.

Yeah she needed rescuing from the romantic trip I paid for. .

I learned to keep my eyes and ears open. I was very trusting and had I really been observant I would have seen all this happening. In some situations it was glaringly obvious when I look at it in retrospect.



Again, not all BPD's are the same


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: glaciercats on March 14, 2017, 11:52:22 AM
Your story sounds a lot like mine Pretty Woman.  Mine is with someone new now.  But she said no matter what happens she will always be my "best friend".  And what that means to me is that she wants me hanging on if the new relationship doesn't work out.  I don't feel like we could ever be just friends.  There are no boundaries with her and I don't want to keep getting sucked back in to this whirlwind.

So much of what you said above sounds exactly like what she did.  When things didn't go the way she wanted the constant texting would start and hiding her phone so I couldn't read.  But what's funny is before that she would say I had total access to her phone.  Then once the texting started I wasn't allowed near her phone. 

It was constant lies and constant betrayal.  Never was she completely loyal to me.  We couldn't go anywhere at the end of the relationship because she was so wrapped up in her phone affairs that she couldn't focus on anything else.

I do believe most cheat.  They want that new honeymoon stage feeling because to them that's what love is.  And once the new wears off they are looking for a new rush.  And then it's just back and forth.  How unfulfilled they must be.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Pretty Woman on March 14, 2017, 12:05:27 PM
Glaciercats,
  After the final discard that is exactly what happened to me. Mine wanted to go grab a beer but reminded me she was with someone else and we would never be a couple again. This is a week after I spent 5k on a birthday for her and she called me the love of her life.

Years earlier I would have done anything to keep her interested. I would have accepted her offer of "friendship". Thank God for these boards and the countless articles I read on BPD during our breakups (she always initiated). I learned nothing would ever come of our friendship, nothing good and if she treated me so horribly as her lover and partner what would make her all of a sudden treat me better as a friend?

Nothing.

A friendship never existed. People who have any sense of respect for you would never treat you like this. Saying yes to a friendship is like signing up to have them push you out of a plane without a parachute.

Same thing. It's like you are volunteering for punishment and THAT is what we need to look at. Why are we willing to allow that?


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: glaciercats on March 14, 2017, 12:30:18 PM
Pretty Woman,

That all really hits home.  A friendship doesn't work with someone who has no sense of loyalty or trust.  She has no close friends so to speak of.  She has no old childhood friends even. 

I've got to realize no good will come of this to me.  It's time I respect myself more and be true to me.  All I would be to her is a option when things are going badly.  When she needs to be bailed out.  Then when things cooled off I wouldn't exist again.

This forum and talking to people like you has helped my realize so much. 


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Riguez on March 14, 2017, 01:14:59 PM
My partner with BPD/NPD traits would breakup with me every few months and if we were apart for long would reactivate her dating site account.  She would say that she had gone on lots of dates but had only made friends.  Eventually one of those 'friends' was the guy she broke up with me for. 

I used to trust her and believed her promises that she would never cheat but looking back, I was naive.

I remember how she kindly told me on a picnic how she had been dating a professional sportsman sometime before me.  A couple of years later, she casually threw into a conversation that the sportsman's current girlfriend had sent her an email warning her off him.  To me that seemed bizarre and I didn't really believe that this woman had sent her a 'hands off' email without any provocation.  My ex had probably tried to recycle him behind my back. 

At the end of our relationship when I criticised her for maintaining an online relationship with another guy behind my back she angrily texted "I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU!"  To her, that betrayal didn't even count as cheating.  In my experience, someone with this type of disorder doesn't take responsibility for any of their bad behaviour so why would they do anything but try to cover up their other romantic/sexual relationships?  Beware.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: lucky013 on March 14, 2017, 01:28:31 PM
Nope, she has never given me the silent treatment.  She would inundate me with texts and messages.

This is similar to me, she has never ignored my texts. Im usually the one to ignore her.
I have never said i wanted to be in a relationship or that i love her and brings this up often when arguing or which i just leave. However i have been in BPD relationships before and was cheating on several times, i believe it was because i gave them what they wanted and got bored.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: AustenJ on March 15, 2017, 08:40:55 AM
I'm flipping through the pics on my phone as I'm sitting next to my exBPDgf and I try to impress her by showing her a picture of me with a local kid who pitched for the Cleveland Indians in this past World Series... .she laughs and says she "did" him... .she got set up with him by one of the Catholic families that she nannied (code for slept with fathers) for... .


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: FallenOne on March 15, 2017, 04:18:39 PM
To add to this more...

They take breaks, break up with you, and give the silent treatment when they cheat to mask the cheating aspect...

In their mind, it justifies the cheating...

"You cheated!" "No I didn't, we weren't together at the time, so what does it matter what I do?"

They do this so that if you do catch them or become suspicious that they were seeing someone else, they can justify it by saying you weren't together at the time.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Huh? on March 15, 2017, 11:22:04 PM
Have they ever given you the silent treatment for a few days, or "broken up" with you and needed some space for a week or two? Maybe a month? Has there ever been radio silence while you're away or at work? Have their stories ever added up or made sense?

Pretty much any time that you weren't around, that's when they were cheating.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were texting their other lover while you were hanging out, and then as soon as you part ways, they were hanging out with them.

They are very tactical and calculating with this stuff... .and it can take years to even realize something might be going on.

This x 10.  This is exactly how it happened with me.  Everytime she'd give me the silent treatment for weeks or months during our 5 year roller coaster relationship... .I found out the last time we got together my gut intuition was right when she admitted was seeing other people. Of course, they were just "friends" that "only wanted sex"... .so she didn't do anything with them.  Uh huh. Sure.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: infjEpic on March 16, 2017, 11:47:27 AM

Do you really think that's the case?  My ex would, by choice, stick by my side 24/7 if I let her.  Literally 24/7.  The clinginess was one of the things I found hardest to cope with.  So how would someone like that also be someone who would cheat given half a chance?

Not sure if I commented in the other thread

From the forum stats, it seems like there is no cheating in 1 out of 10 cases. 6/10 confirmed and 3/10 suspect it but don't have proof.
Those aren't good odds.

As heartandwhole said, you can't just determine that they've cheated simply because they're BPD - but it does increases the chances given their disorder, and going by the stats, there is a high probability.

One of the giveaways is projection.
If they've ever suddenly and inexplicably began accusing you of cheating... .

Also, if you speak to your replacement who has been discarded, you'll probably find they're telling you to flip everything over, claiming the BPD is a pathological liar.
But if you ask about cheating, you'll find that oddly this is where their stories sync up... .


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Skip on March 16, 2017, 01:46:16 PM
From the forum stats, it seems like there is no cheating in 1 out of 10 cases. 6/10 confirmed and 3/10 suspect it but don't have proof.
Those aren't good odds.

I read this survey to be 61% infidelity and a high bias.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136940

This compares to 43% infidelity (high bias) with a low bias in unmarried couples.
www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-10-15/features/sc-fam-1015-infidelity-20131015_1_infidelity-facebook-friend-facebook-profile

This 43% compares to 54% (high bias) in this site survey:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774

Considering the bias, you might say relationships where 1 or more partners has a PD, the rate is 25% higher than the general population.





Title: Re: POLL: Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: balletomane on March 16, 2017, 04:18:18 PM
He was shopping around for other partners while he was still with me. I didn't realise it at the time, although his behaviour at those times made me unhappy and anxious (he became more distant and cold with me, before springing back to full warmth). I only found out after the fact. I thought it was just part of his volatility. Now I know that he was cold while he was pursuing other women, and the affection flooded back when they turned him down. Eventually one of them said yes to him (she didn't know he was with me, he told her he'd been single for over a year!) and four days later he promptly discarded me for her. In his words: "I knew I'd have to tell you soon because you can read me like an open book." I felt incredibly hurt and used. He didn't seem to have any compunction that what he'd done was wrong - his one worry was that I might notice something was up before he'd told me.

Fast forward eighteen months, and I ended up talking to the woman he'd discarded me for. She was studying with him at university and she told me about the other cheating: he had asked one of their classmates out three months before he got together with her (that information hurt me but didn't surprise me) and he'd had a casual affair with another classmate that hadn't worked out (I'd suspected this but had tried to squash the suspicion out of my mind).

My ex is obsessed with the idea of his partners cheating on him and it was a common accusation. Now I know it was projection.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Huh? on March 16, 2017, 09:08:04 PM
I'm flipping through the pics on my phone as I'm sitting next to my exBPDgf and I try to impress her by showing her a picture of me with a local kid who pitched for the Cleveland Indians in this past World Series... .she laughs and says she "did" him... .she got set up with him by one of the Catholic families that she nannied (code for slept with fathers) for... .


Funny.  My first fiance who was a cluster b, and the one that brought me to this board six years ago was a nanny.  She wouldn't stop talking about how "amazing" the millionaire was she worked for... .and how I needed to be like him (a millionaire) I often wondered if she cheated on me with him, since she was always accusing me of cheating on her (Im extremely loyal) and her face glowed when she spoke of him.

I found out she ended up leaving that job shortly after I was dumped (to be with our neighbor)... .for a receptionist job, which I thought was weird and a major downgrade.  



Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Mrb87 on February 28, 2018, 10:17:23 AM
Many sexual affairs! He even cheated on the people he was cheating on me with, all while complaining about how his ex cheating on him to everyone involved in the affairs. His ex didn't cheat on him, they moved on without his approval. He cheated on his ex and pushed the ex away to the point where it was unbearable and they had no choice. The ex got him into treatment but he began judging the therapist and that went downhill. So he gave up on him and moved on without doing the back and forth game that hes use to playing. and without giving him his final goodbye... .Then he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating. I NEVER CHEATED ONCE or gave the feeling of me cheating! When confronted about the cheating he gave me the weirds excuses that flipped and flopped around and made absolutely zero sense (extremely confusing for me). Now i'm at the point of where the ex was. He watched his parents strange sexual behaviors and cheating dysfunctional ways growing up and i think that has permanently rubbed off on him to where he thinks its normal and he has no responsibility for his actions and everyone else is the problem and not him. But im holding to my rules and boundaries and if i get disrespected again he knows it 100 percent a done deal for us. The relationship is about 85% done anyway.


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: once removed on February 28, 2018, 12:38:25 PM
i voted "i suspect something but dont know for sure", but i really do.

there were a few incidents. theyre pretty blurry now.

1. in the last year, year and a half or so of our relationship the state fair came up. we were gonna go. i remember she contacted me apologizing, saying shed been invited to the fair and was gonna go, and that wed still go. i thought nothing of it. it came up later a couple of times. she denied the conversation, or ever going. then, in front of me, she described going to someone else. i asked her about it, and she was evasive, saying something along the lines of "thats not what i meant". something felt off about this, even though i could not have cared less about her going to the fair. i decided for myself that shed been, and was hiding it, but i let it go. then one day im sitting there actually watching as shes being tagged in photos from the fair. she asks me what im doing, and i tell her what i just typed: "sitting here watching you being tagged in pictures from the fair". she goes on some long apology about how shed totally forgotten and didnt mean to lie to me.

that one was really weird. but for several reasons, im not sure, and tend to doubt she cheated on me at the fair, but something off happened. it was a group of friends, but maybe she was there with someone she had cheated with.

2. when we first got together she told me a very vague story about a guy that used to live below her, that she saw, and had a sexual relationship with for about three months. she told me that every once in a while, he would "get drunk" and text her that he wanted to come over, or was heading over. he came up a couple of times, and she was very, very vague about it (unusual for her). fast forward to nearly the end of our relationship. we hadnt seen each other for quite a while. i had wondered, given her difficulty being apart, how she had coped. all of a sudden she freaks out. she says that same guy had texted her, "drunk", saying he was coming over. she said she told him no but didnt know if he was still coming. shes extremely nervous. i saw her phone and noticed she deleted the conversation. called her on it. dont remember the rest.

i let all of this stuff go because i hated her interrogations and accusations of cheating, and thought if i let it go, shed be more likely to cut me the same slack. and it wasnt just that. i believed she was incapable of cheating, and that cheating wasnt even available to her. i knew she was being secretive, for whatever reason, but i figured as long as i believed she hadnt cheated, id let it go.

3. she told me a pretty elaborate story about how she just barely escaped being raped. i know this is a touchy subject, but it was not a believable story. i believed it until it became clear her friends, whom she was with, and supposedly saved her, knew nothing about it. i came to believe that this was, for her, a sort of "confession".

4. toward the end of our relationship, she started developing a group of friends that, i wouldnt say i was necessarily kept from, but definitely never introduced to, or heard details about. many of them guys. many of these same guys were, i would realize later, flirting with her on her facebook.

5. after we broke up, i discovered she had a twitter account, and i saw mutual flirting back and forth, something shed never have done if shed knew id see it, something shed have had me believe shed never do anyway.

i had forgotten about 1-4 until i saw 5 and it all became clear. i was shocked, but ultimately i wasnt really hurt or angry, after all the accusations and interrogations throughout the relationship, it only figured.

6. i know enough detail to know that the guy she left me for had been in the works for 1-2 months before wed broken up. im not sure she physically cheated with him, but she was hiding me, and flirting, for certain.

everything from that last year is such a blur, and looking back, i was in such a daze at the time. in retrospect, i see that she was increasingly volatile around the times she was likely cheating. she was going completely off the rails dysregulating, and often, rather harshly, accusing me of being a cheater in the process. i was increasingly pulling away, and i think she cheated multiple times with multiple people, and i think she felt a whole lot of shame over it; i say with a fair amount of confidence and knowledge, that its very unlikely she had cheated on past partners, but justified it in my case.



Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Harley Quinn on February 28, 2018, 09:50:46 PM
I voted No, as he spent so much time with me it would have been pretty impossible, although one thing that niggles is the amount of projection onto me that I was cheating, and this does lead me to question whether for the limited time we were apart towards the end he may have at least been emotionally cheating.  It would not surprise me to find that he was paving the way for a new r/s when we were together for the last month or two.

Love and light x


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: JustNeedToTalk on March 01, 2018, 02:30:41 AM
Both a sexual affair and inappropriate contact... .Note: - I didn't find out about everything until the end of our relationship, I wouldn't have stayed with a cheater.  In all instances (looking back now) it was when he felt he was losing control of me.  The odd occasion I stood up for myself.  He couldn't handle a proper adult argument and feared losing me.  I know this now.  So he sought attention from elsewhere.

Those silly women... .thinking they are something... .kinda makes me laugh in hindsight now.  He told one that she was his soul mate 3 days after meeting, and the other (an ex), that he had met someone special (the soul mate) and wanted to say goodbye to her.  Oh and they are both married women.  Writing this almost make me laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

You're welcome to him ladies.  Actually I'm not going to use the word ladies.  Oh and I should add that he's currently on Tinder... .wonder if his married soul mate knows, and the love of his life he needed to say goodbye too... .


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: AustenJ on March 01, 2018, 02:04:15 PM
While we were together she would laugh about having a previous sexual relationship with a former student of mine who she described (projected) as being emotionally closed off. This former student had a dozen close guy friends he partied with who must not have been as "emotionally" closed off because my diagnosed exBPDgf slept with all of them in a span of about 4 months. She actually only claimed to have intercourse with 8 of them, but "made out" with the other 4 which included about everything else besides intercourse. They all enjoyed her thoroughly as a fun-loving drunk whose clothes fell off when she drank Fireball.


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Gunit1 on March 01, 2018, 04:39:07 PM
I was unfortunately with her while she had a bf but there was lies and manipulations to that apparently being on the rocks. Anyway going forward after all the bs and deep connection talk and love of her life ect she never left the bf but also started cheating with a work colleague and then discarded me and her long term bf for the new guy. Not before sleeping with all 3 of us for period of time though. I of course got blamed for everything and made as as crazy one because who am I to go off at her for lying and cheating again! We don't speak anymore but to this day she's never admitted it.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Husband321 on March 01, 2018, 07:01:52 PM
To add to this more...

They take breaks, break up with you, and give the silent treatment when they cheat to mask the cheating aspect...

In their mind, it justifies the cheating...

"You cheated!" "No I didn't, we weren't together at the time, so what does it matter what I do?"

They do this so that if you do catch them or become suspicious that they were seeing someone else, they can justify it by saying you weren't together at the time.

This exactly. 

Mine would start picking fights.  Then sooner or later take off when I was at work.

I found her on Craigslist, a dating site, almost inmediatelly. 

She would say something like "I was so hurt over our break up.  I just wanted attention. I never met anyone. And we were broken up anyway"


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: zeus123 on March 01, 2018, 07:50:55 PM
Can we ever know the truth from a BPD? For the people who answered “no”, how sure are you?. BPDs know how to hide the truth and they are Master liars. Even with overwhelming evidence stacked against them, and you were unequivocally certain about their guilt? Their brilliant (but twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details, to where their perceptions often made sense, even if they completely contradicted themselves, from one hour to the next!


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: The Cat in d Hat on March 01, 2018, 08:17:41 PM
I looked back on all that for the last month, and with everyone else’s situations considered, I’m confident mine was cheating throughout. Either it was cheating on someone else by cheating  with me emotionally, or cheating on me by sleeping with other men. There were days we were broken up, and trips she went on with men. She would tell me sex makes her feel worthless, but would talk like a veteran porn star. She explicitly said she’d never cheat on me of course, which I don’t believe one bit now.

Her last song she sent to me... .River - Eminem, Ed sheeran

It speaks for itself. I thought she was accusing me of cheating on her with my female friend. It was obvious she had cheated on me.


Title: Re: BPD always cheat: Is this true? Did mine cheat on me?
Post by: Husband321 on March 02, 2018, 05:12:51 PM
I read this survey to be 61% infidelity and a high bias.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136940

This compares to 43% infidelity (high bias) with a low bias in unmarried couples.
www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-10-15/features/sc-fam-1015-infidelity-20131015_1_infidelity-facebook-friend-facebook-profile

This 43% compares to 54% (high bias) in this site survey:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774

Considering the bias, you might say relationships where 1 or more partners has a PD, the rate is 25% higher than the general population.


And I also think there are different "levels" of cheating.

For example, let's say 2 people are married a decade. Neither BPD...

Well one of them might just make a mistake, in a moment of weakness, and hook up with someone they are very attracted to. Feel badly. Would never happen again. That's cheating.

It seems with BPD it is a whole new level. As if they constantly strive for that attention, reckless behavior, impulsiveness, and will do it over and over and over again with no real remorse. With people they aren't even attracted to. Then consistently lie.


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Husband321 on March 02, 2018, 05:18:38 PM
I do like this thread as I think back and realize how uneasy it was to live with a BPD woman.

A. Sometimes phone has a code.  Sometimes not.

B. Unexplained absenses... (run up to corner store and gone two hours, come back with some crazy story)

C. Lies about who certain people are from their past. "Oh joe is a friend. ". Which later turns into "joe is a guy I hooked up with on a dating site"

More or less can never fully trust them, and this bleeds into daily life. 24/7.


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: Gunit1 on March 02, 2018, 11:46:16 PM
What I don't get with these girls is when they have an affair and want to leave you, they were just saying how your the love of their life only week prior ect but then within weeks say their feelings stopped... To me it means their feelings were never real like they claimed for so long


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: AustenJ on March 06, 2018, 09:25:40 AM
pwBPD are experts at gaslighting. She had an ex that she still saw on a weekly basis... .and I'm sure he had no idea she was seeing me over those 5 months. She said that he was her BFF as she had known him so long and that he had been there for her two suicide attempts, but it was strictly a platonic relationship at this time. She would say that she loved him, but that she was "in love" with me... .a huge difference in her mind.

She ultimately shared that between every failed relationship she would always return to this BFF as a girlfriend/lover. This occurred over 5 years after she initially moved to town with him after college, until the BFF moved across the country. Because of her strong attachment to this guy, she started sleeping with him again while still in our relationship and before he moved out of state. We were supposed to go on holiday over xmas break when she told me that instead she was flying out to see him for 10 days because she had always imagined herself being married to him, and she wanted to make sure that he was "the one."

Of course, he wasn't 'the one' as she raged at him and hit him on New Year's Eve when she was drunk. She came back, and I was no longer "the one" either. She met a guy a week late,r and he is "most definitely" the one. She's a lucky girl... .she's had 3 "the ones" in a span of about 3 weeks!


Title: Re: SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?
Post by: southside420 on March 06, 2018, 11:16:08 AM
I learned after we split that she made out with someone after going to a bar with one of my girl friends. It made sense. After the night I suspect it happened, she began accusing me of cheating. She never admitted the cheating to me.