Print Page - 3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

Article 9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder . This article outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck. I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing. So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup". My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance [Read original text here] (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#3)

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article. I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances: dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house... .so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.

If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok. Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs. It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away... .now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it. I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better... .
<br/>:)igging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad. For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick. Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"? Tell us what you learned and how you healed.

More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm)

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140180.0)

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0)

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141354.0)

4) Belief that love can prevail (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141854.0)

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142324.0)

6) Clinging to the words that were said (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154460)

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143873.0)

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144988.0)

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145967.0)

10) Belief that they have seen the light (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154341.0)

I was brought up by a father that put my mother on a pedestal and she could do no wrong. He took the blame for all that was wrong. So, when I grew up that was my model. I fell into the role immediately when I got married. After 20 years of seeing how it just wasn't working as well as it had for my dad (both my mom and dad are codependent, thus their r/s worked for them), I started writing my wife love letters about all the things I was doing to show her I loved her how I tried to love her and when she didn't respond, I took it upon myself to do better and when that didn't work, I tried harder still. It was through these letters that I think I started to come out of my FOG. While I had no explanation for her conduct yet, I started to believe something was wrong that I couldn't fix. As I started to figure this out, she started to pull away from me and as I met each of her challenges, she pulled away even more.

This was also the time I started to discover the online/fantasy affairs. She would tell others about this wonderful guy she met and how much better he was than me, etc. I was conditioned to put up with this and too ashamed to take it public, I truly didn't know how to stop it.

Now that I can understand what the swirl I called life really was, I see so much clearer about the "Alice in Wonderland" world I was living in. This includes how I could never figure out her fascination with reality TV. She would get into sewing and cooking shows, yet, she hates to cook and sew ?. Now I understand it's all about the drama and swirl these shows artifically create.

So, did I fall for the myth that it is all my fault? Yes, I did because that was my reality.

During my r/s with my uBPDexbf we would always say how great the r/s was but that there was this external influence that put us in conflict. I always described the external influence to be the result of the abuse he suffered. He described it as a communication problem. But I knew better.

It just got to the point where no matter what I said or how I said it he would twist my words and use them against me. Every couple has issues now and then and it is important for both to be aware of what they bring to the table and be willing to compromise. But with a person with BPD they don't have healthy emotional response systems thus the very nature of the disorder is that it creates conflict coupled with no ability to resolve it. If you ask me that is the circumstance that causes the main problem.

I absolutely turned to circumstances to excuse the behavior of the BPD/NPDexbf.

It was stress at work, it was stress from the psycho stalker ex gf, it was stress of the move, then it was the stress of the job search, stress of finances, the stress of my house being in need of renos, this stress, that stress, blah blah blah.

Always something to look at and say well, when this stress or that stress is resolved, things will be ok.

Heh. You know, I was under two tons of stress too, but I didn't act like that. It's just not an excuse.

No more excuses in the future... .when someone acts in a way that is aberrant or abusive, it's on them.

Most definitely. He was constantly accusing me of being the problem. From day one my behavior was always the issue. Not knowing about BPD, I always thought that he would see the circumstance for what it really was... .nothing. I too rationalized it away to his chaotic life with his mother, sister, brother, father and exwife. I thought that these were the underlying issues that caused him to blame me for things that were not true and once he calmed down he would see everything for what it truly was. I changed my behavior to make him happy so many, many times and each time we fought he would bring it back up again. It was this cyclical argument that would never go away, it was exhausting. We were two people in a r/s with two different mind sets and I had no idea. I just knew that he had this 'problem" with me and he made me feel soo ashamed and guilty. I kept thinking if I could just get him to stopped being so stressed we would be good. His personality is like a bottle of soda, you shake it and it starts to fizz and then poof the top comes off and all the soda starting pouring down the sides!

I just posted on another thread how I had felt like I was almost her at the end of the relationship. I had taken on board her illness and it was strangling me. I could barely dress myself. I was a convert, a believer, bound by lies, addiction and a cycle of relentless conversations embracing pain and basically everything she should have been letting go of. She took all my energy and cashed it in to superficially recruit the next convert. For a while, she was dead to herself having given her baggage to me. To think she was down about everything until the opportunity to create and bask in a crisis presented itself. It was time to rebuild myself again. Today, two years later, I'm as light as a feather and as happy as ever! Have we all learnt? Never again. NC!

I believed this for a very, very long time.

I wasn't giving enough.

I wasn't kind enough.

I didn't care enough.

I didn't do enough.

I believed the accusations for a long time... .because he believed them. And perception is truth or even in the wildest statements there is a little bit of truth.

I think back now and realize if the problems in the relationship were 100% solely mine it meant I had control and the responsibility fell on me. It meant there was hope because I could work on myself and fix our relationship then I didn't have to acknowledge the BPD. That I didn't have any control of. I wanted to believe it was only our relationship, not something bigger.

-GM

il give you all a situation of mine i got the pleasure of witnessing a few months ago and "brainwashed"may just have a new meaning.my ex text me one afternoon not long after i left him and asked if i would go to his t appt with him i never responded, i sat on it for a few hours then decided i would turn up.he was shocked when i walked into the room and had tears in his eyes.he has had the same t for a yr or so now and ive only met him once before for about 10 mins.ok so by the end of this half hour appt he had informed me i had BPD and would it be possible that i could get my daughter looked after for a week and spend time as an in patient at his clinic.as unbelievable as it may sound i never realised what had just happened until later that night.i have spent 6yrs with him telling me im paranoid im crazy i need help ,he loves me would never hurt me im his soul mate painted me black to our friends family and then here i had his t telling me i needed to be locked up... .the only way to descibe this is its if im in one of those horrendous cheap b grade horror movies when no one can hear me screaming.

She got me thinking it was my fault even though I never really believed it. I ended up being the only one who apologized, and worked to better myself, which in effect showed her that she was 'right' and I was the one to blame. It felt unreal, and as painful as it is to know so many others have gone through it too, it's been a real relief as well. It's not just me. Finding there are distinct patterns with this disorder has helped me let myself off the hook for so many things she said I did which I know I didn't do. I don't have to see myself as the cause of the collapse. I don't have to agree with her perspective or projections of it. While I played a role in the dance, my problems weren't the major ones that caused us to not be together.

We all need to give ourselves a big break with this issue. People with BPD have loads of issues... .mine had severe anxiety, severe depression, Bulimia, panic attacks and various other aches and pains on a nearly constant basis. For me this relationship was all work. (trouble for me and every other man that crosses her path is that she is exceptionally beautiful, so it is easy to get wrapped up).

We did quite a bit of texting, emailing etc. after the breakup and she tried to blame our breakup on me being miserable. The actual breakup was caused by her cheating but she never admitted this. Even with all this logical information I find myself thinking sometimes if I had only done this or that maybe it would have worked out. I normally have to snap myself out of that... .repeating to myself that I am not responsible for her bad behavior and lack of sharing what was really going on in her mind.

Everything from big to small is someone or something else's fault. I took on that blame and I tend to do that with a lot that goes on. I think it stems from my childhood, but through therapy I have worked through that for the most part (though I feel 'cold' sometimes when I take a stand... .maybe I need to work through more!). Anyway, I used to blame myself, then she blamed me so it "validated" my thoughts in a sense. It was constant chaos and as many others have said, when the situations die down, she created the chaos herself! Recently though, and although I don't wish her behavior on anyone else, she showed a glimpse of it to her best friend who came to me asking what to do. In a way I felt validated that her behavior was NOT my fault (nor was I the crazy one or overreacting) and it's just her and she is doing this to others. I hope that doesn't sound bad.

Yes, I blame myself and all that stuff. I could have worked harder. I should have done something when I felt her slipping away. She turns things on me. But right now... .my excuse is meds.

In a nutshell, my wife had a "reawakening in Jesus" right around the time she got pregnant the second time. The pregnancy was preceded by her stopping her Prozac regimen. We lost the baby. I was devastated; she was distant. Turns out she found someone else to turn to, one of the guys associated with the reawakening. It was an emotional affair. Maybe I was being too needy for her. She has a lot of other excuses for not turning to me, mostly things I said out of context. But I digress... .

She hasn't bee on medication since. She mentioned wanting to go back on it at one point after the emotional affair exploded our marriage but things started settling down. I told her to consult a doctor first and it went no further.

Now I think the "what if I go back on the meds" line is the last lifeline she has. Things weren't that good on the meds, though. She had no interest in sex, for instance. As opposed to the general disinterest she has now... .not sure one beats the other. She was bearable, but like she was behind a curtain. It still wasn't her. It was better than what I have now, but not so much. And we didn't have this much hurt between us.

So yes, I have this little voice in the back of my head saying "maybe this can make it better". I don't believe it, but I want to. D@mn, do I want to... .

Yep, I got the sob story--he was bipolar, mom was an alcoholic and Dad a workaholic, he had neuropathy in his legs from type I diabetes complication, former girlfriend dominated and terrorized him, read all his private emails, forbade him to even talk to female friends, threw him out on several occasions, accused him of rape and had him committed for a 3 day exam, and all this gave him PTSD.

Some of this is verified. His mom IS an alcoholic (wow did she come after me when we broke up), he does have neuropathy in his legs (been there with the doc) he DID have a wacko girlfriend (mutual friend whom I trust verified pretty much all of what he had said.)

So of course, I cannot look at his computer, because it will trigger PTSD! Not that it would occur to me. So he was able to cheat on me with online affairs and one real one for years. He was punishing me because I anticipated that I would be like the ex. It was devastating. He refused to look for jobs, just sat and played videogames while I paid for everything (the computer and the internet connection and the phone and phone service he used to cheat on me with among them.) He would start to get angry, I would become fearful and be accused of being "snarky." I was told that when he ratcheted up, "your job is not to piss me off." He would punch holes in the wall, break things, and I would pay for them and clean them up. He did apologize, tearfully, the three times his meds were interacting badly and he choked me (for the record, I know this to also be true. Still.)

He's gotten better, much better, in the last year. But that was when I lost my Dad, and after three and a half years of abuse I didn't have the emotional strength to start all over agian. I finally broke it off two weeks ago.

I am codependent and the adult child of an alcoholic, and being with my mother for 10 days showed me starkly where I got the ability to handle all these things and believe the bad things abuot myself. A revelation. I lost four and a half years and about $100,000, living with threats of suicide and this absolute certainty that if I left him, his life would be ruined and it would be all my fault. Blinders are at least starting to come off... .

We have been married for 16 years... . 16 long hard years.

It feels like an impossible situation to get out of. I know in my heart that the relationship is not healthy and never has been, we have broken up so many times, in anger he has crushed his wedding ring beyond repair, raged and sworn at me for speaking to him 'in the wrong tone of voice', joining internet dating sites, advertising himself for sex meetings, not to mention the gambling... . He told me once if I ever left him he would hire a hit-man... . I could write a book about all the things he has said and done.

I am now clinically depressed and trying to get help for myself. We had another break up just over a week ago because I didn't cuddle him in bed that morning... . he sulked all day, sat on his ___e for about 14 hours watching tv and not speaking to me... . the next day he is sending me texts full of kisses... . I said I just can't take the ups and downs any more, I feel emotionally drained.

Some months ago I printed a load of stuff off the internet about BPD and asked him to read it... . he did, and said it was like reading a book he had written himself. He went to the doctor and told him he wanted therapy. He was referred but never went, now he says I brainwashed him into thinking he had a problem, and it is me that has the problem not him... .

He is moving out in a couple of weeks, and I can't decide how I feel about this... . time will tell I guess. I can't control my emotions at the moment. I am in a constant state of confusion... . all par for the course though I guess.

My BPD wife (I'm slogging through a divorce right now) went through a variety of stressful life events (new job, Grandmother died, wedding planning, moving in to my apartment) and I kept making and pointing to excuses for her spats of rage and insidious verbal abuse. Over time, I succombed to mild depression, took to drinking more than I should and internalized a lot of her abusive behavior. It took me over two years to realize that her BPD behavior was actually her personality and not caused by external circumstances or something stupid that I did.

Understanding this was the probably the first step in my decision to get a divorce. The second step was realizing that she was fundamentally incapable of owning her behavior, words or actions. I would point out obvious examples of where she chose to do or say something hurtful and about the most reaching apology I could from her was the classic "I am sorry that you feel that way." She was and still is incapable of saying "I am sorry for hurting you by doing [XXXX]". I think I now accept this, more or less, and realize that the only forgiveness I will be able to find is of myself.

That's definitely going to take more work because I still get feelings of vengeance for how she treated me.

I am truly thankful for this forum. When I am around her (briefly, once or twice a month) and in negotiating my divorce, I feel as though I am floating above the situation and observing her behavior from a safe distance. I can now quickly spot the manipulative tricks and twisted ways she still tries to hurt me.

If there are any good posts on divorce, I'd definitely appreciate a link. Thanks everyone!

OMG! I am still trying to let go of the shame that I am responsible for the breakup. During our 25 years together I went from being a hospital janitor to a United Methodist minister with a Masters degree. I matured, grew, bettered myself. Yet, I have maintained what I consider an edgy, often irreverent sense of humor, a love for good rock music, dark humor... . But my wife would complain that I "have changed." I am no longer the "cool rock musician with long hair" that I was when we met. She coerced me to believe that I was no longer "cool." Whatever... .it's all BS! ALL of my friends insist that I am the same funny, edgy guy... .only better, more confident, older, wiser... . Conversely, my ex wife backslid into what she was as a teenager: a slut who slept around, drank, did drugs, got fired from jobs, shoplifted... . And I changed? Indeed! For the better. As my 20 year old son says, ":)ad, you grew up, Mom did not (we are 47 years old)."

Yet, somehow I felt ashamed that I was not "cool" enough for her. The night I told her to leave the house 1.5 years ago she said she is more attracted to "bad boys." Fine. She can have them. The guy she lived with when she left me ended up in jail for abusing her. Good choice in men babe. The guy before him was a stringy-haired homeless man whom she "befriended" while working as a supervisor at the homeless shelter (he dumped her). Her current fling is a young motorcycle driving dude. She's got her cool "bad boys" lining up. She just got fired from another job (she's a marriage and family therapist!). But I was the problem.

Fiddlestix

i fell into this trp with her almost from the start. I think she played on my guilt from my divorce. I had told her that I new that I was at fault for alot of the problems in the marriage and I explained where I had went wrong. I think this gave her ammunition to play me. Her first melt down came out fo nowhere and caught me by total surprise. I had never seen anyone act like that for something so little. But the verbal lashing was bad. Of course she quickly said she was sorry and just said it was work stress and that she wasnt used to the pressures of being in a relationship. since she hadnt been in one in such a long time. She quickly pointed out that I had been married for over ten years and i was used to the closeness and I had also been established in my career for 20 years and she ahd just started hers. I bought it hook line and sinker. I thought I guess she could be right, she is under alot of pressure. From that moment on everything was my fault. If she lied, It was becasue she couldnt tell me the truth. If she exploded, it was because I had accused her of something or I spoke to her harsh. In the ahlf I worked on turning my head towards her behaviors, i worked on changing in how I talk or looked, facial expressions. I didnt question anything she did. Once I asked her what she had for lunch, just everyday normal conersation and plus she ahd a tendacy not to eat and she was a health person. So it was out of concern and just general conversation. later she accused me of "policing her eating" I was shocked and when I explained she said I guess you thought I was eating with my ex. I have no idea where that came from. When I asked she said you never asked me what I ate before. of course I was sure I had but i could recall for sure. of course i looked back in old text and I had found where I had asked her diffrent times what she had for lunch. But once I could prove it, she didnt want to hear it. and then said you are always starting a fights why not just let it go.

So for a long time I blamed myself and still do at diffrent times. I got stuck in that trap. maybe from my upbring. When I was growing up, may parents seemed to be always harder on me and everything was my reposiblity. Maybe I developed a guilt complex from that. This stilll ha sme stuck to some degree.

a very hard topic because ... .i did cause some of the problems in the relationship. i wasn't in the house enough, for legitimate reasons which she knew before going into the marriage, but which must have been very hard for a BPD; i reacted with frustration to some of her patterns, instead of reaching deeper inside to accept them or setting boundaries which i had the confidence to adhere to; my resentment at her behaviors built up to the point that i couldn't express myself any longer.

but those behaviors were demeaning; and i had the feeling then, and am more certain now (it's only after her exit affair that i was put onto BPD), that no amount of patient acceptance would have been enough, there would always be more need. she was never verbally abuse (really only once that i can think of) but she was very emotionally dishonest and astoundingly passive-aggressive. at the time i thought "maybe she really is just forgetting this and that, or maybe it's the alcohol and not viciousness towards me". with an understanding of BPD it all falls into place. however it's still a struggle for me to really embrace that my reading of the situation is right. i think still: maybe she's right, maybe i didn't love her enough; maybe there was an excuse for each individual oversight (some of which caused me physical injury); maybe that story she told me 5 years later does exculpate her (from trying to trick me into pregnancy); maybe i should have assumed the traditional roles of men and women (and taken care of everything while she sat about indolently); maybe i was emotionally ungenerous (after she got so drunk that she forgot to make the thanksgiving arrangements she had volunteered to take on, i couldn't laugh with her through it any longer. but of course, if i had given her all the emotional support she wanted, she might not have had to drink so much).

her one bit of insight was to say at our last (disastrous) meeting that she can't forgive (anything, but in particular the way i spoke out of my frustration) and does hold grudges forever and "maybe that's just the way i am." so it's nice to know she accepts herself (as a marriage-destroying, deceitful, adulterous egoist).

it would be hugely comforting to know that the BPD is unconquerable, that i'm not just telling myself that to assuage the pain. but everything i read here, and my T, tells me that the BPD really is controlling.

When I first met my uBPDexbf he had a really great job- it didn't pay a lot, but it was immensely satisfying to him. He was injured on the job, had to take time to heal. From then on out he was a total victim- there were always outside causes to why things were always drama, drama, drama. He would only make money on his terms, and I just fell right into the role of family provider. He wouldn't even donate plasma, and I was so full of financial despair that I almost did! It was only words from a healthcare provider, saying my immune was too low to do so kept me from donating.

It was his father's fault, his sister's fault, his ex-wife's fault, his oldest daughter's fault, anybody's fault or responsibility but his. I don't remember thinking it was really ever my fault. I'm a stand-up chicka, and I took care of business as best I could. I also act right, and tend to hold people countable, and that made him nuts. He hated that I put consequences on bad behaviors (good ones too :)). At the very end, after he had replaced me and moved on (in 4 days!), we had one conversation outside of his house. I had come by to pick up some of my gardening stuff. He looked at me so sad, and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen." I told him I wasn't sure what he thought was going to happen, but as always, I based my choices on choices he made and he chose every thing that he did. He chose to move me out, he chose to move on. I chose not to chase him. I chose to disengage immediately. I wasn't begging for that. I accepted a lot of bad behaviors and lies. But when the house of cards fell down I walked away from the game.

until I learned about BPD mine had me convinced that it was all my fault. I didnt do enough for her, I didnt say the right words and if i did say the right words I didnt say them with the right tone. She said I smothered her, so when I backed away I didnt care enough about her. If I wanted sex, all I did was use her for sex and that all I cared about, if I backed off from sex, she said I kow longer found her desirable. If she got out of control with her temper and I left, I abandoned her. If I stayed all I wanted to to do was fight and argue. If I didnt save money I was going through life without a plan. If I started a plan to save for our future then I was to controlling and I never wanted to have fun. If she was accused me of something I didnt do and I defended myself I loved to argue and if I sat in silence that proved she was right. If I laughed at a joke or something funny I was insulting her which resulted in her telling me how mena or cruel I was. If I didnt I had no sense of humor and I never Laughed. I once told her I could never win, She turned around and said why does it have to be about always winning with you. But it was hopeless. I finally just gave up.

I beat myself up about this for awhile, I felt like I was a complete failure. Once I learned about BPD, it was like a light went off in my head. it alll finally made sense. Then I thought about my past relationships and I relized I had never had this problem in past relationship, they had failed but it was for diffrent reasons. Never, never like this. I felt like I was going crazy.

reading my response to this post was helpful and it reminded my of why I never want her back.

Mine behaved very similar... I felt like I couldn't win, I kept telling her that my clock was ticking and I wasn't gonna be able to beat it. Many times I wrote in my journal... . I lose again because she had dysregulated.

I strive hard to always take accountability for things I do wrong. But to her it was always wrong.

I cared too much about her illness, I didn't care enough. I was too needy, I don't trust her enough to ask anything of her. I am clingy, I never want to spend time with her.

Many time I got "u don't see me". Whatever it was I never did it well enough, fast enough, etc.

One if the turning points for me was when she attacked me during an argument because it was my fault she was going to be homeless (a lie) because I hadn't paid her debts fast enough and spent the money on so e things for my house instead.

Cuz of course it was my fault she mismanaged her money

I realized I was codependent at some point late in our relationship and shared this with her stupidly. I was working on it... working on me while I was still with her. Which just gave her a convenient scapegoat to make more my fault. Sigh

I pretzeled myself like crazy trying to keep her happy and even now I have been told that to others the b/u is all because of my insecurities, my controlling tendencies. So be it.

I have plenty of faults and reacted to her behavior in ways that were damaging... . but at least I can admit my faults and work on them. Nothing is ever her fault... . so nothing will ever change for her

Quote from: Mystic on September 04, 2011, 02:09:50 PM

This and the stuff the another person mentioned about PMS and all those other things. I was always believing it was that she didn't handle stress well. Like you said, I was under stress too, but I didn't act like a jerk to everyone and have to apologize for it once a month the next day. One characteristic of being a functioning human is learning from our mistakes. In 10 years of knowing her, I could tell EVERY month when she was about to start her period to the day. EVERY single month. Why didn't she have her Dr. do something about it? Why did she never find a solution? She either didn't want to or knew it wouldn't matter.

I know this for a fact about her, whoever she is with now is getting the same excuse about her being a b^#€% every month, and it's all in the name of her having PMS. Plus she's 46, he gets to experience menopause with her! I'm sure that will be a cakewalk.

I think I fell into this pattern a lot because of the techniques I use to fight depression. One thing I'd do in the past is to make everything into a permanent, personal issue, so I couldn't do anything about it. I learned how to see things as external, temporary, and fixable, which really clears out feelings of hopelessness. But during the initial 'honeymoon phase', I put the relationship inside of my big depression defense grid, and so I'd keep deciding that it was due to the stress of an event we were going to, or her moving in, or job difficulties, or the house-buying process, or the house-selling process. I got her to go to couples therapy, and I figured that even though she said therapy was to fix me, we'd eventually sort it out.

The veil finally lifted when she started adding new things to stress the relationship after things hit a stable point. Supposedly she wanted me to talk about things, but when I tried to schedule a time to talk she freaked out. Then she went through a period where she'd keep asking me why I was acting weird until it freaked me out, and she'd say 'see? that's what I was talking about'. Then she insisted on getting pets even though we had an agreement for when and how that would work. She just kept on trying to push my boundaries and pick fights instead of settling in and making things work. By the time she blew up at me when I tried to set up a really nice birthday for her, I was well past the 'external causes' belief.

Who else bought they were the "problem"? Tell us what you learned and how you healed.

Me!

Because the breakup was so out of the blue for me, I started wondering if I had been the problem all along. He had never, ever told me he was miserable in the relationship (And I always told him to tell me if there was a problem), but when someone walks away from you so easily (and gives you bat sh*t crazy reasons for doing so) you start to question yourself.

Post breakup I started to try and find fault with everything that I had done. For example, my libido had dropped earlier this year because of various reasons - totally normal for this to go up and down throughout a relationship, and I knew that at the time, too. But I started to wonder if that's why he perhaps hadn't been happy with me. I drove myself crazy with this for a while.

And when I lay one issue to rest in my mind, I'd concoct some other magical reason as to why I had made him miserable (even though during the breakup he'd told me that he'd never had doubts about me!). Madness! It made me emotionally sick thinking of all these things, but because our breakup made zero sense to me I was trying to find some logical explanation for it. Turns out, there wasn't one.

I guess it was a friend of mine who helped me with this. She pointed out to me that her ex had many 'faults' that annoyed her, but she still loved him. And that in a healthy relationship, if you're doing something that isn't acceptable to your partner it's his/her responsibility to communicate this to you so that you can discuss it and see what can be done to reach a compromise. But when someone isn't communicating a problem to you, you're not a mind reader - how are you supposed to know that you're doing something that's making someone unhappy?

And that's when I realised that regardless of whether I had been doing some 'deal breaker' behaviour that I wasn't aware of, he had never communicated to me that he was unhappy with me or that he didn't want all the things he kept saying he wanted with me - marriage, kids, etc. So how was I to know? I then realised it was pointless blaming myself for everything because he was very much in the wrong here.

That's not to say that I don't know that I need improvement in certain areas - I do. But I now realise that these weren't the cause of our breakup. His mental health is.

I have only been on bpdfamily for a short time. What is most horrible and wonderful is coming across a thread like this -- I feel like I'm living in my own private hell, and then I read these messages and discover that it's a shared hell. It's a revelation and a shock to read my story in other people's words.

I have done both of the things in the title -- blamed myself for the relationship problems and blamed circumstances.

Early on, when my wife would have a blowup, she would tell me that it was my fault. It might be that I wasn't showing enough affection, that I was spending time alone, not thinking about her needs, not listening to her. The list was endless. She would come up with rules that I was supposed to follow to mend the relationship. (I remember with particular "fondness" her demand that I make "grand romantic gestures" on a regular basis to show my commitment to the relationship. I think those translated to extravagant gifts or fancy dates.)

Early on, I bought all this. I reasoned that I clearly needed to work on my relationship skills, or I would not have been dumped by past girlfriends. And there was probably some truth to that, but it's that little ember of truth that she fanned into a flame that led me to accept all the blame and responsibility for making things better.

Later on, as I grew more cynical and began to notice the gaslighting, I went through the motions just to try to keep the peace. Resentment began to build because I still had to "own" all the responsibility.

Then, we hit a really rough patch. I lost my job. I was underemployed for a year. We had to move out of state, and she had to give up her job for the move. She had emotional affairs, and we started MC. Our daughter began having emotional/behavioral problems.

By this point, I was getting pretty frustrated with the relationship, but I told myself that her behavior was due to the stress. When I thought about ending it, my mantra became "I'm not going to make any decisions based on how we are at our worst." I figured things would turn around, and the marital problems would subside. When we did move to a better place and I got a solid job, I took her out for an expensive dinner to try to prove to her that things were OK now and she could relax and find happiness. That was futile.

When she had her brain injury, I blamed all of the problems with her rages and verbal/emotional abuse on the injury. We saw many, many specialists and she tried plenty of medications. It was only when it got SO bad that she went into DBT and was diagnosed with BPD that I began to get out of the fog... .

Been there, done that, wore the tshirt for many years.

Every single rage for close to 8 years was about something I needed to change. At one point, I realized I was feeling like one of those circus performers balancing dozens of plates and teacups spinning on poles. Every rage left me with one more thing to do (and God forbid I don't keep up the previous requests for change while adding every new one). I'd ask when I would have the opportunity to ask for changes, and he'd put me off saying, "you will one day". That day never came until I was 99% out of the door and he knew it. Then I got words about change but not the follow through with actions.

I also excused his behavior, even after learning about BPD, to my kids. Asked them to "stay out of his way" when he was dysregulated... .I'm embarassed about that.

No more. I have some compassion, but it's tempered by the damage done to me as a result of this relationship. I have lots of healing left to do.

Quote from: Michelle27 on December 02, 2015, 09:21:25 AM

Every single rage for close to 8 years was about something I needed to change. At one point, I realized I was feeling like one of those circus performers balancing dozens of plates and teacups spinning on poles. Every rage left me with one more thing to do (and God forbid I don't keep up the previous requests for change while adding every new one).

No more. I have some compassion, but it's tempered by the damage done to me as a result of this relationship. I have lots of healing left to do.

Ha, yes. I accepted so many "rules" I was supposed to remember to follow. Scripts I was supposed to say. It didn't take long to realize that, even when I was able to remember a particular rule during one of her blowups, following it didn't magically make things better.

Quote from: ShadowIntheNight on February 08, 2015, 06:08:17 PM

Quote from: Mystic on September 04, 2011, 02:09:50 PM

These post ring true for me too, life's stresses would set her off and especially, around her period. l would always be blaming myself for her personality changes; what could I be doing better not to cause this outcome. Her reactions were always so exaggerated to what you and i would consider stressful. I went online for help and bought the book; walking on egg shells at that time.

These events were brought up in our therapy seasons and it was our T who diagnosed her with BPD and he also suggested and herbal supplement for her periods... .I took the supplement, they didn't seem to help her in the least. It was later that she was also diagnosed with pms dysphoric disorder, the worse of the worse for any women... .: ( talk about an emotional roller coaster, the perfect storm!

With that being said; I became Pavlov's dog, reacting to how she saw the world. Placing my needs secondarily to hers. I was doing my best trying to keep those worlds synced but it was a full time job and the realization of losing one's self in the inter-rum was inevitable. The ring tone to my phone could set my heart racing, I never knew what her response would be sent my way or how she would greet me in the mornings. Anything could trigger an issue. Has anyone ever felt that; you were damned if you do and damned if you don't?... .

I had to change my ring tones on my phone since we haven't been together so not to cause these same responses.

And, I still care for her 4 months later... ."I've been trained well," said Pavlov.

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: seeking balance on March 14, 2011, 11:52:57 AM